BLACK DOG 26

Good advice to Sweetpeasue, Doodle. sometimes when you have had to go "at it", for a long time, if the situation eases just a bit, your body goes into collapse "look after me" mode. Trigger HWB, bed, heating on whatever, self care, cakes, hot chocolate- whatever works.

I'm glad the UTI is easing at last, HVDY. Good talks there.

Yes Doodle, the care wraps around you, and as time goes on, you get more confident it is there and will continue.

My eating is very irregular, and not good in terms of remembering or wanting, but its nearly 95% healthy, a lot of raw food as its simply easier to go to the fridge and grab little tomatoes, celery, carrots, watercress, red chard, radishes olives, chopped feta and more, and mix it up with dressing and munch. Tuna fish" prawns, hard boiled eggs, etc, toast or sweet corn (you can do a large one in a microwave for 7 ins approx and its perfect), salmon (poached in microwave) etc. Treats like deli stuff, sun dried toms, artichokes....I get those 3 for £8 Sainsburys little tubs of stuff with different carbs like couscous, and tinned soups like pea and mint.

Today I had a real meltdown. I woke thinking " I think I need to ring the crisis line" as the fears of crashing down were very strong. I put this to the test - iI did something strong and good, which was to offer a painting to the new re-cycle centre in town, I had a "yes brilliant" (its on the environment) and one tot the famers to collect the pic for the exhibition that opens tomorrow and so on. Even looked up going into town on google maps, thought "I can do this after all".

*Then came home and crashed. The lot flooded into my mind. I wanted to drink brandy or take a lot of tablets ...

I noticed knives, the lot. Here is my "stream of consciousness"

1. It’s too much effort to keep going
.
2. I hate myself. I've had enough

3. I'm going to crash again

4. People think I’m strong and I’m so fragile inside.

5. They want to run away from me.

6. The psychologist said they could discharge me one day

7. I want G to give me a big hug, but I’m doing all the wrong things.

8. I've messed up with him. (^Yes, I think I have^)

9. I mess up because I get intense too quickly

All the people I love are too far away for hugs
.
I’m getting snappy and angry,

I’m skating on thin ice as regards staying well

Help me now
Help me now help me now!

Waiting feels unbearable. It means no one cares.

I give a lot out to people I care to much. I’m just like a big blob that tunes into other people‘s needs. I rush towards them, like the elderly woman with he smashed cheek in the car park I'm not so good at taking it in

You don’t, they die on you. (lots of family stuff here I've said before family history)

(Has Brandy)
I know I should be doing listening to music and deep breathing. I’ve been doing this whole weekend. I’ve just run out of it. At Quaker’s yesterday I actually told everybody about it in worship at the beginning of the meeting, but I didn’t stay with it.

I went on to talk about the presence of love, but didn’t act in such a way to get it, I cared about the other people instead of asking for hugs...

I'm a bit better now but the black dog has woken up...and even tonight I did get a nice letter from quaker so..

Doodle The UTI is getting less, thanks. No pain now, just still weeing too much. We prefer to have a proper meal at teatime, too, apart from Mondays, when we have a cooked meal at lunchtime with Little Girl. I'm glad you find friendship and comfort in the church.

SweetpeaSue Oh no, I hope you'll feel ok in the morning - perhaps after some Paracetamol, plenty of fluids, and a better night's sleep, you'll be alright. Fingers crossed for you.

A friend from the day centre place rang me for 2 hours this evening (we both talk a lot) and DH's sister has been texting me. I'll be off to bed at about 10. Hope everyone has a restful night x

So glad your UTI is getting better HVDY
Doodle Its lovely to hear how much comfort and fun you get from going to church and the friendship.

Sorry all short post.
Have a virus( sods lore) Nighties soaking last night and headache, sore throat and temperature. Can't believe my luck. Hoping to feel better tomorrow though that might be pushing it.
Hope everyone is ok. Sending love.x

Evening all.
Scaredycat glad you had a lovely holiday. Good news about your niece. I can’t believe she’s been waiting so long. Hope all goes well. I go to church Wednesday and Sunday for communion and often on Thursday afternoons for some activity or other which usually involves cake. 😊. Yes it is like a hug. People are so kind and nice. It means so much to me
Have you any more holiday plans? We missed you while you were out of communications
HVdY no I seldom eat my main meal at lunchtime. Getting a meal in the evening takes a little while and fills up part of my day so I prefer a snack at lunch. Yesterday I had a Brie and cranberrry panini my favorite.
What a lovely time you had with your family. So nice you all get on. Your DGd must have enjoyed her birthday and all the attention. Hope your UTI is on the mend
Sweetpeasue how has your day been. Nearly in October now and that appointment. Hope your Dh is coping ok.
Wyllow your BIL sounds as though he’s getting all the treatment and tests needed. Hope he starts to improve soon.
Lovely it’s bringing the family together and what a lovely trip your son plans for you.
Ellie Anne thinking of you and hoping you are finding more activities to keep you occupied.

ScaredyCat It was lovely to all get together. I'm feeling better in myself, thanks, but still weeing a lot (6 times in 3 hours). Glad your niece is going to have her operation soon. It's about time! Has she been given a date?

SweetpeaSue I hope you both manage to relax a bit and enjoy the break away.

EllieAnne Christmas is ages away yet. Although the Christmas stuff is in al the shops, which I find depressing.

Wyllow3 How exciting! Are you going to go?

How's everyone been today? LG was here 8-5, so we've just tidied up and are going to have a rest. x

Well done for that booking, Sweetpeasue!

BiL E.amon has Bladder cancer, ie cells in bladder affected.
But the crisis was a breakdown of kidney function, causing him to completely collapse in A and E
He’s been having symptomatic treatment that had worked for 2/3 years.
Currently they gave him a blood transfusion as his blood was anaemic, and he is now set for a course of intense dialysis for a few days to see if this fixes the problem.
They have checked that the tubes between kidney and bladder are blocked, thats a no, good, but they still don’t know why it happened.

DocSis said lots of options still left unless it’s bad - and then the 2 times a week dialysis and not too good prognosis.

But it has brought my family together and a lot of emotional work done by me. I still am avoiding potential loss feelings, not good....but biggest reward reaped is possibly that my son offered, unasked, for us both to go down together to London to see family and go with me to Tate Britain (where my //artists book is. 💛. still cant really believe it - a tutor with contacts sent it there for me just like that, I didn't know till she told me.

But you see, dear all, after all this time, its a great memory, but what matters is holding and being held by those we love (or would like to love in the case of G)

its probably wise t leave it nearer the time, Ellie Anne. You have identified the issues, now you can ponder more slowly the best outcome for you. Iknow this sounds a completely off centre idea, but many resolve the issue by volunteering in centres where people in need come for a Christmas Day meal - that would dodge the issues and give you a sense of something worthwhile?

It sounds like a good Sunday, Doodle, your favourite day of the week like mine?

My headlines with you Scaredycat is your bravery in the face of loss, and I don't think is easy for a moment, and great gratitude for your niece.

Thats me for tonight - been utterly busy: I need to just crash out soon xx

I could invite them but we saw them last Christmas so they probably want to spend it with her family.
I don’t ever see dd. She won’t come here not much time off and too tired and she isn’t interested in Christmas. I won’t go
There because he would have to come too and it would be awful and definitely not good for her mental health.
Anyway we are not there yet so I won’t think or talk about it.

Doodle It is getting colder now. Glad you had a nice lunch at the hospice. Hope you sleep well.
HVDY Pain from UTIs and bladder pain is really dreadful. Hopefully you'll be through that now. Thank goodness for anti- biotic. We're going to Lakes on Tuesday.
Scaredycat You have a lot of worries at present with your friends so I'll and it must be so difficult for you. Such nice posts to others. So pleased your neice is at long last having her operation.

Hi all.
HVDY- hope you,ve had a lovely time with your family and that your DGD was pleased with her pressies. You do think of lovely gift ideas.
Hope too that you are feeling less uncomfortable as the ‘wees ‘ have eased off a bit.
EllieAnne- I agree with Wyllow that your depression is clouding your perception . Your DS and wife come to see you because you’re important to them. You have grandchildren who I,m sure love you very much. If you could possibly reconsider ADs they could really help you. Do you ever see your DD at Xmas?
SweetPeaSue- Going to the Lakes is a good idea and a visit to your lovely place will pass those waiting days kindly.
Don’t worry about what to post - it’s hard to think straight when your mind is in overdrive and your body aching as it is.
Doodle- Glad you enjoyed your meal with your Son and DiL. Those times together are special.
Your day today has been full- Sundays can sometimes be difficult on your own. But your Church gives you a hug every weekend.
Yes washing all done and put away- we don’t have to dress up where we go so not much ironing! Spoke to my Sister this morning and my niece is seeing the anaesthetist tomorrow so hopefully her Op is imminent.
Nadateturbe- always good to hear from you
Wyllow- my fear is not only for those I love but also I can’t bear the thought of leaving everyone.
I hope your BiL is not too uncomfortable and that soon he will be able to go home and enjoy more family life. He sounds a special person and of course he is a part of your sister.
Piddling along with G sounds just about right. You have a lot on your mind right now both really good and not so good.
Sending a comforting hug from across the miles .

Love to all present and those we miss. Xx

Wyllow3 How sad about your sister. You must miss her. Your BIL sounds like a very kind and special man. I hope the transfusion helps a bit. How was Quakers? I've got a scarf with bees on, too. (and one with cats and another with foxes). Your Bea will love it.

EllieAnne I haven't got a big family either -I didn't have cousins, aunts or uncles around as Dad fell out with them and they didn't speak for 26 or so years. I've got 1 brother left, his wife in a care home, one of his sons in Norwich (not seen him for years but don't like him). Could you invite your son, his wife and their son to your for Christmas? My husband and I spend Christmas day alone - both sons have the day with their children. Do you and your husband ever talk? For Christmas day, could you both make the effort?

nadateturbe How are you?

SweetpeaSue I feel a lot better, thanks. What are you taking for the Fibro pain? When are you going away? It'll do you both good.

ScaredyCat How's your day been?

Doodle Glad you had a nice time with your son and his wife. A good day today, too, by the sound of it. Was it a roast dinner today?

My UTI is very much better today, thankfully. Had a delicious buffet at Son1's. Son2, DIL and LG were there. too. GD2 liked her presents. LG entertained us with her antics . She's so cute. Tired and will probably go to bed at 10ish. Hope everyone has a restful evening x

nadateturbe hop the weekend has been ok for you. Nice to hear from you x

HVDY good your DH is helping with the housework. More hands make light work.
Glad you’re starting to improve a bit although you must be worn out going to the loo all the time.
Lovely presents for your DgD. Hope she has a happy birthday.
Ellie Anne like you I don’t have a lot of family. Apart from our sons and their families I have one cousin who I see about twice a year. No brothers or sisters or aunts or uncles or other relatives. DH has one brother i see now and then.. being part of an extended family must be nice but many of us these days don’t have that. Have you heard from your daughter recently?
What sort of cross stitch do you do? Big pieces or smaller ones. I have done two big ones in my time. A bird table with lots of birds and a bell pull of musical instruments. I also did one for the birth of all three grandchildren. Had to give it up when I couldn’t see the holes in the linen anymore,
DH was a big sudoku fan and did at least one a day.
Nice your DS and DIL visited. Do you get on well with your DIL? I think Wyllow is right and your depression makes you think people don’t want to be with you. I know you had a bad experience with ADs but I wish you would try again.
Wyllow your BIl sounds a lovely chap and you sound very fond of him. Hope he’s doing ok. So sad about your sister. You must miss her a lot.
I had a lovely meal with DS1 and DIL. Very pleasant evening and a nice chat.
Sweetpeasue hope you get to your house in the lakes and find it a restful time. Sorry you’ve got so many aches and pains. The stress must be contributing i think.
I had a nice time at church and a good chat after. Went to hospice for lunch with friend then home. So cold and tired today. Might have an early night.
Scaredycat have you done your washing and ironing from the trip? Always so much tidying to be done when you come home. Hope you’ve been relaxing a bit too.

Wyllow Sending you a big hug right now.x Sounds like your BIL is very poorly- I hope he picks up with the infusion. It must have brought so many memories to the fore . I do hope you can speak to J tomorrow and talk out some of what you are feeling.
EllieAnne Im so sorry you're so lonely. I think you're right about sons spending more time with their wive's/ partners families. I don't like to think of Christmas too soon though we're usually on our own when son 2 is working. I realise it's much worse for yourself as you find being with your DH so difficult. Hope you felt better meeting a few friends at church this morning.
HVDY Do hope your UTI is much better.

Sorry Im not much good at knowing what to say lately. Been awful today with Fibro aches and whole body.
I booked 'our' house in the Lakes a couples of dys ago. Could have been a rash decision though just for a few nights. Not feeling up to it but hoping it helps us both get over the waiting time till 8th. Thought Autumn colours( though forecast isn't good).
Try and come back later.x

If its a welcoming church than spend as much time there as possible, but how about my Costa activities - find a cafe where you can become a "Regular" and 'hang out" there -(newspaper, book, etc etc.

Really struggling, I want a hug about BiL, but all potential huggers live hours away. so got into bed.

I love your choice of music Wyllow3.
I hope to post later. Love to all.x

Thank you Wyllow. D in L 2 knows how things are . All of them do that’s why they put him off about the golden wedding business. I wouldn’t mind being alone at Christmas. It’s spending the day with him and having to cook and eat dinner in silence and being stressed.
Anyway things might change before then.
Enjoy quakers.
I’m park ed near church too early but was too stressed in the house.

here's one for you and me, and all Black Dogs - its the wonderful Kathleen Ferrier sining "art thou troubled"

www.youtube.com/watch?v=eopQdrPZ7Y0&list=RDeopQdrPZ7Y0&start_radio=1

*Ellie Anne*Does DiL know the situation between you and your husband? if they don't know, even at a level of "we're not getting on too well these days", there isn't the prompt to invite?

I feel sad for you, because my feeling is that your bad depression is clouding the view of people around you, how they think of you, especially DS2 and family.
I think from everything you've posted on Black Dogs you are a valuable and loving person.

Last night I was over busy busy.

I feel deep grief this morning as it's a trigger which could really potentially bring me down if things go badly. If necessary I'll ring Older Adults tomorrow and ask to speak too a particularly good crisis line worker who is called J, if he is in

Today is Quakers, I shall speak out, and it will be rewarded, I dont know how.

I'll be alone at Christmas, but thats OK. At the moment I can keep loved ones alive in my heart, and I have spent Christmases alone before OK.

That is your struggle, Ellie Anne, to have say DS2 and family lodged in your heart and I wish you all the best.

and Christmas alone is better than the later Christmases with Ex - so I understand that to for you.

Tonight I did cross word and sudoku. Played candy crush and solitaire on iPad. I do cross stitch but need to start something new.
I realised today how isolated and lonely I am.
My son and d in L were here with their son.
Talking to her about her family. She comes from a very big extended family, lots of aunts uncle’s cousins who mostly live in the same city.
I have no siblings have cousins but had very little contact with them when young and wouldn’t know them now.
Send cards to my late sisters family. One acknowledges them but the other doesn’t. Rarely see them and don’t really know them now.
All dh family down south so I’ve never really been close to them because of the distance involved.
I don’t mean to sound self pitying it just hit me today that I have no one. Yes my own children but so involved with their own lives and ds 2 is more involved with wife’s family than us.
Today I felt they were visiting out of duty.
D in L is a huge Christmas fan and by now she’s usually talking about it . I dread it . I’m waiting to see if anyone wants us but have a feeling we will be on our own.

Scardeycat, you say, “I have a constant fear of death due to Life’s experiences although cope much better now with the help of ADs”. Thank you for sharing that. It’s not surprising.

Do you mean of others’ death, or your own? I’m guessing the former. I had the latter as a teenager, but thats becuase I didn’t realise what I was feeing was depressive loss. And goodness knows, that ihas been your life’s experience.

Very wise words to HVDY there. Today sounded just right actually - chilly weather, you both set to and made the house nice, and a suitable cosy meal..well done both. You do lovely presses, they sound spot on. (I’ve got some lovely stuff lined up for family pressies, much of it all new of course but charity shop). Like brand new Next scarf for DiL whose nick name is Bea …and the scarf has dainty little Bees on it

Doodle I hope tonight goes well and gives you a lift (tho I know its difficult after wards, it doesn’t stop the pleasure of being there with family). BiL was married to my immediate sister.

She died of uterine cancer in 2019 and sadly I was so M ill that although I went to the funeral - top marks there for Ex who got me there come what may, Ex at his very best (you see why I still get torn!).

So its the case that now I have a sort of double grieving and I pray and pray that BiL has a good amount of time left as he os a lovely man, loving with his younger daughter and family in a big London house, he looked after nearly all the grandchildren - every day mostly single handed. I WhatSapped him and he replied

“I’m feeling much better. Mainly just monitoring blood, pressure etc. Had a blood transfusion over night and they're planning on a "mini-dialysis" over the next few days”

Mostly I do realise that I am worthy, but I bet I’m not the only one who fears being too well thought off or looking good…envy lurks?
My friendship with G is quietly piddling along with WahtSapps taking about this and that, but he was kind when I said grief had hit me sorry for rabbiting on before, he said not a problem at all, to take care, then chats about local things and political bits and bobs - same attitude, look for positives.

Oh Ellie Anne, I love the dancing of Strictly, really do ,and the way they develop over time is interesting, but its all what my mum clapped the “hoo-ha” around it that drives me spare. Do you knit of something while it’s on? I think I’d survive it with something useful to to in my hands.
You did well to get on with BiL, hats off to you.

Missing our regulars” and warm wishes to people who just” read.

ScaredyCat The symptoms I've been having, which may, or may not be to do with the brain thing - dizziness, smelling things that aren't there (toast, tyres, baby powder, perfume - although that can happen to people who haven't got a brain tumour). The visual disturbances you describe are odd. The brain is a complicated thing. Hope you've been ok today.

Doodle I'm weeing a lot less (20 times so far) Have a lovely time with your son and his wife.

Just wrapped the presents we (I) bought GD2 - Bath/shower stuff, JellyCat figures, nail polishes, skincare products, hair accessories, scented candles, blankets with dogs on (she's got a Dachshund at her house). Hope everyone has a pleasant evening x

B I L has had 2 wives and a long term partner. I probably knew his first wife better because Dh s parents were alive and we were visiting more often. He left her for the long term partner then left her for the present wife. That’s why I don’t know her very well.He wasn’t always a very nice person but I always got on with him. Never had any children with any of them but they had so he got ready made family. Anyway he’s still with us. I don’t know if Dh has phoned recently or not.
Going to watch strictly. I find it a bit samey now but Dh likes it so I will do puzzles or read while half watching it.

Wyllow3 Your BIL is in the best place to be looked after. I didn't feel like going out (had lunch at a lovely village pub yesterday). I vacuumed all upstairs, and when I switched the vacuum off, I heard DH vacuuming downstairs. I've made a cottage pie for dinner.

You are worthy, of course.

Evening all. Going out tonight so won’t past later.
Scaredycat so pleased you had such a nice holiday and the weather was good. Lovely to think of you being with family and being by the sea.
HVdY went for walk yesterday and to the hospice in the afternoon. Walk again today but going to dinner with DS1 and DIL tonight.
Good the dentist was ok now just need to get over this UTI. Hopefully you will start to see an improvement soon. It’s awful feeling you need to go to the loo all the time and so painful.
Ellie Anne hope you migraine is better. You do have a lot on. Hope your BIl is being made comfortable,
Sweetpeasue good news about the heart scan. That sounds positive. Hopefully the vascular team will be able to relieve the terrible pain he’s been in.
Your DGS sounds a lovely little chap no wonder you enjoy having him.
Wyllow so sorry to hear about your BIL. Good thing he went to A&E . Which of your sisters is he married to?
Hope you enjoyed your session in the gym. It’s so good to hear you being more positive now.
Must dash got to get ready. Take care all

Hi all.
SweetPeaSue- At least it sounds like you have more peace of mind now that your DH has no serious heart problems. Of course that doesn’t lesson the seriousness of his condition . The 8th will soon come and hopefully on the 7th the consultant will be able to explain things in more detail.
It’s lovely you both get to see DGS regularly- he sounds a lovely and brave boy.
EllieAnne- Hope your BiL is not suffering too much- shame you don’t know his wife better .
I get those migraines with no pain but visual disturbance like a kaleidoscope- is that what yours are like? I had one once at a Life Drawing class and the model was all shimmery and weird.
Wyllow- sad times for your family. Yes your BiL is certainly in the right place and hopefully receiving the best of treatment. You’re right every family deals with loss and illness differently.
I have a constant fear of death due to Life’s experiences although cope much better now with the help of ADs. Your poor ex husband must have been so traumatised at such a young age.
Wise words again Wyllow- you had a broken heart and now it’s mending . Yes love yourself and enjoy being you - lovely friends help too don’t they.
HVDY- next week perhaps you could contact the Hospital - if your current discomfort is anything to do with the meningioma better to talk to somebody. The way you accept the things you have gone through is so admirable- you just get on with things.
Don’t do too much housework!! Cuddle Jaffa and relax so you can enjoy the Birthday celebrations tomorrow.
Allsorts - hope you’re OK today.

Love to all mentioned and all our lovely posters who have been missing latelyxx