Dementia Question

Thank you. It is an awful situation. Whichever way I look at it there's always a but...

Thank you

Please contact Admiral Nurses.

I volunteer for AgeUk who have the contract to provide Dementia support in Leicestershire. We run courses for people caring for People Living With Dementia. Admiral Nurses will be able to tell you if that service is available in your area. If it is available, please take up the chance to attend.

I’m so sorry you’re in this position it’s all very worrying for you. My dad needed full time care at home, my mum was his career and did a fantastic job until she became ill herself.
I was an only one with children and a job so unfortunately couldn’t be there 24:7 for my dad . I phoned social services they were very good and came out to see us the next day. They arranged respite care for my dad, he was very much against it, quite literally went kicking and screaming.
It was all very upsetting, but we knew he was safe and we visited a lot. Mum recovered and he came home three months later.
Your brother needs time to look after himself and if your mum didn’t have dementia she would surely realise. Good luck I hope your brother makes a full recovery.

Like your brother I am careing for my husband who has early stage alzheimers. He has always been selfish as it seems your mother has so careing for them is even harder. There’s always talk of help out there but apart from a voice on a phone I’ve not had any. I feel so sorry for your brother, the focus will be on the person with dementia when it’s the one careing who has the huge load to deal with. How he is copeing with cancer treatment and someone with dementia who turns nasty is what would worry me. He needs you to relieve him at their house or find a place for respite for her. His current needs should outweigh your mothers right now in my opinion. As I have said , copeing with people with dementia is far harder than anyone can imagine who hasn’t done it.

Sorry for the autocorrect. I hope it makes sense.

The success of his treatment and potentially his life is in jeopardy. I can’t find a gentler way to say that.

If his health fails totally your mother will have to accept care of one sort or another.

Would you be prepared to call for an emergency assessment saying your brothers cancer treatment means he can no longer be her carer and for him to leave.

It would then be out of all your hands.

But I can’t find understand that you would both not want to do that voluntarily and would prefer to wait till your brother becomes very ill.

At some point your mother will have to accept that he can’t care for her any more.

You’re obviously both not used to putting your needs first but he really is in need more than your mother.

It’s a terrible position to be in 💐

Hello, and thank you for the good advice.

There is a cleaner but my brother does the rest. How much mum understands is questionable, sometimes we think she does remember he's having treatment but sometimes she seems to know something but not enough and becomes suspicious. She refuses to accept her dementia and gets angry if we mention it.

I've read all the Wendy Mitchell books, they were interesting and I read them as they came out in case it happened in the family. But this has caught us by surprise.

I've had a long conversation with my brother today, I'm not sure he knows what would help apart from not being in the situation at all. It's come all at once for him. If we arranged some respite care how do we persuade her to go? She says she'd rather throw herself under a bus! She's never been sympathetic to other people's problems so trying to frame it for my brothers sake wouldn't work and she refuses to go to any clubs or groups for the elderly. I can't repeat what she says about them!

Thanks again.

I’m just wondering if she would accept help in the house for him because he is ill. I’m presuming he is the one cooking and cleaning and washing clothes.

These were my thoughts exactly.
Right now he needs the burden lifting in whatever way it can be.

He probably doesn't have the energy to do any "chasing" though.

Maybe he would be OK with some help though?

Has your brother been in contact with the carers association? He can have a carers needs assessment, where they assess his needs with regard to the caring role. He should be able to contact them via his local authority. Do you know if where he goes for his treatment is there a Macmillan Advise coordinator? They usually have a little area with information leaflets they should be able to point him in the right direction on how he can get help both mentally and physically. Please tell him not to bottle things up.
On a practical level if he can have a person calling to sit with your mum, so she can start accepting a little help, if it starts with short visits, 30/45 mins and cuppa tea and a chat to start, they can work up to being there longer and helping with some housework etc.
Can you go down to stay for a few days on the week he has his treatment, just to take some of the load from him.
Your mother is probably frightened by what is happening with your brothers illness, wondering what will happen to her if anything happens to him. This is what is making her spiteful, like a child she can't control her feelings.

I’ve got no idea where so is truth came from. I’m sorry. It doesn’t mean anything.

Does she retain the fact that he has cancer and is having treatment?

I’m just wondering if she would accept help in the house for him because he is ill. I’m presuming he is the one cooking and cleaning and washing clothes.

Or, for instance would she accept someone else to take her to appointments or shopping or the hairdresser because he can’t do it anymore and who would then take her for a cup of tea to extend giving him a break.

He does need help, chemo s exhausting, so it is the truth.

Obviously if you can go for a few days once a month, say, that would be helpful.

But you may all have to accept that this is too much for him to cope with and that your mother’s wishes can’t be paramount in this case. Respite care shouldn’t be dismissed even if your mother objects.

This situation must be hard on both your brother and mum. I wish I could give any good advice, but the only thing I can think of are books by Wendy Mitchell. She had early onset dementia herself and became an advocate. She shed a light on the issues dementia sufferers face and had some unusual tips. I remember one where she mentioned being frightened of closed doors because she kept forgetting what was behind them. So they removed the doors in the house or swapped the cupboard doors for transparent ones. Things like these created an environment where she felt less anxious which meant fewer issues. I used to work with dementia patients. I think it's really about making them feel safe and in control. Of course, that's a proper challenge when they may wish to do unsafe things.

I would get on to the social services.
His own MH is at stake.

The number 0800 888 6678.

I suggest that you contact Admiral Nurses. There is a free phone number which you can call from anywhere and they offer advice and can tell you what services are available near you. I'll look for the link.

Very difficult situation for your brother. Find out what he thinks would help, and start from there.

Watching this, I'm in similar situation. Just starting. You'll get lots of good advice.