Mandymoo456, I am so sorry for the terrible loss of your son. Sadly, I can imagine some of how you are feeling, as I lost my beloved 35 year old daughter in this way, 3 years ago. She had suffered terribly with her mental health for most of her life. It was an outcome I had always dreaded, but the shock, horror and total devastation that we all experienced was not something we could have prepared for. It truly is the most painful loss imaginable.
I have three more adult children who were equally devastated by her death. Fortunately, we are a very close and loving family and have been able to support each other and gradually we are learning to live beside our grief.
Losing a loved one to suicide causes a lot of very strong emotions. We all had massive (unjustified) feelings of guilt and regret, although in time I have come to realise that there was nothing more any of us could have done for our beautiful girl. Her siblings have all accessed telephone suicide bereavement support and they feel it has helped them enormously to talk out their feelings with an uninvolved third party. Counselling is not for me, but I have found a great deal of support and understanding on a Facebook forum called Losing a Child to Suicide UK. Although one would never wish this terrible experience on another parent, there is something comforting about connecting with people who truly understand.
I have tried to always remind myself that much as I love my darling girl, I love her siblings equally. They have experienced more than enough pain and do not deserve to lose their parents and their family life as well, and so we make every effort to maintain occasions, - birthdays, Christmas, family meals out etc. It is very hard at first as the "empty chair" is so obvious, but it gets easier in time. I have also tried to make sure I show an interest in all that they are doing, - jobs, hobbies, holidays, relationships etc. Our girl's life is over but their lives are not and are equally valuable. Also, although my children are all with long-term, loving partners, the situation has put some strain on their relationships and I found they needed some support to think that through.
Obviously, I don't know exactly your situation and your family dynamics, but I hope my post has been of some use to you. Lastly, be very gentle and kind to yourself and do not try to hurry your grief. In time, I hope you can learn to live beside it and find some happiness in your own life.
