husband has had a stroke

Do not have him home again. You deserve much better and will have a more stable life without him. You have coped with more than most people can imagine, it's time for you now. Do your daughters really know what you have been dealing with? Contact social services or even the police no-one should have to live as you have been living. I do so hope that things improve for you.

You can lead a horse to water but you cannot force it to drink! Doctors prescribe these pills for a good reason.

My real worry is the way he treats you. He sounds abusive which must be a terrible strain now that you will be forced to look after him. May be a quiet word with your GP?

I'm puzzled, you say "The bungalow is too small for adaptations she said tough they will move me to a bigger one which is not what I want. " --- WHO is going to move you?

I am glad its getting sorted slowly in your own time, thankfully you have family and doctors who know the situation, hopefully they or yourself will continue to get as much help as possible, take every offer and search online to find more even if it dosnt work out , watching for an update hopefully with positive news,

Leave him. For your own piece of mind.
He sounds disgusting. From what you said he is sexually abusing you too, you said he makes you. I would also be having a conversation with the Police. No woman should be made too/forced against her will to have sex.
Your daughters don't want to believe how revolting their Father is.
I am afraid I can't make any excuses for this man. Please do not let him ruin your life. At 68 if he recovers this could go on for years. You deserve a good life too.

I can't offer any advice but just want to say I am keeping you in my thoughts.

What a dreadful time you are having, living in such fear is no existence.
Please, please take advice from Women’s Aid and a solicitor. On average a woman is killed by an abusive partner every 3 days. This is shocking, don’t risk being one of the statistics.
You are in danger, stroke or not and must not consider living with this man again, regardless of anything your daughter says.

This is no way to live. If you’re not actually married, you’re not obligated to have him back to live with you. If you’re married, consider divorce. End the relationship now and don’t engage with other family members. Only you have the right to choose how you live your life. See a solicitor asap. Best wishes.

Now I have caught up I would say just end it now. Ignore what your daughter’s say and just either leave or refuse to take him back. This is dreadful.

Do not agree to have him home.

Well I am more confused than ever. I spoke to my support worker at the surgery then I have been referred to the Women's Aid because they think I am high risk.
I am so confused my family refuse to support me. My daughter rang me and said I had no right to do this and if he found out it would kill him which would be my fault. She continued shouting and said that I would be stuck here isolated. Of course I will not. Taxis a bus to the town community transport etc and it would not be any different if he was here as he is no longer able to drive and is going blind too.
I said I wanted a few days at home partly because I am in so much pain and so many phone calls saying that they were going to do things for me. My daughter says I am making it all up and I will not have a choice if they say he is coming home he will come home. The bungalow is too small for adaptations she said tough they will move me to a bigger one which is not what I want. I feel torn I see him and he looks so pathetic and poorly I feel a real bitch and I should take him back then I am here calm, been sitting in the sun reading, dog is like a new dog running around not scared in his basket then daughter demands to know why I am not ringing or face timing him. She said no way was he going in a home as he is too young he is 68 no one that age goes in at that age and I would end up paying the fees as social would not. But if he was not comin back one of the agencies would help me get my own bank account so I would not be anything to do with his finances plus they would help me find what I am entitled to.
He has made such a mess of the finances it is taking me days to sort out.
When I went the other day I went to kiss his cheek and pulled me in and tried to stick his tongue in my mouth which made me feel sick. The sexual abuse is awful soon as I wake up he pulls my nightie up and demands. I am over menopause and the skin in my intimate areas is thin so I am often ripped and in pain. He likes to do it several times a day including if I resting on the sofa he will pull my pants off and make me.
He rang up just now and as last time nasty phone call. He demanded to know why I was not going in I said I was not well and its not fair on my daughter rushing after work. I said I will see if anyone is free at the weekend. The other day my daughter kept sayin it was my birthday but he never wished me happy birthday its no good saying it is his stroke. Today I asked what was the hurry about going in and he said oh he just wants to talk to someone. I said well you have your laptop etc and why not talk to the others in the ward for now. With that he told me to fck off
I am so so so confused

Glad you have been clear with the doctors. Hopefully this will all have been noted down.

I worked on a brain injury unit (strokes and RTAs etc.) and one of your DDs is right that there can be behavioural problems that make care difficult. I think your other DD is being influenced by a bit of wishful thinking.

As to P of A - he can only sign this if he is deemed to have mental capacity. And I would advise applying for it for both Finances and also Health and Welfare. The latter will give you (or whoever he names) some say in his future care and treatment.

Glad to hear you’re making progress labatz in that you’ve had a conversation with the hospital doctor and are beginning to see the wood for the trees.

Keep us updated those of us who have responded are obv thinking of you.

Please take care of yourself labazs and in the kindess way stop being a doormat to your husband. There is no way I would put up with the treatment you have received from him.
You don't mention how old you are but the outcome of strokes is not always the same my dad had a major stroke but he was only 59 and physically fit he did recover by around 90% and was able to continue a normal life.
Definitely sort Lasting Power of Attorney which you can do online but you will need a printer for this.
Perhaps just take one day at a time for now until you know more about the outcome of the stroke.
Wishing you well

I am very slowly sorting all the mess he has left. I did speak to the Dr yesterday and told her that I had had four years of rubbish so its not a foregone conclusion he is coming back here. My daughter who is the nurse was there and she kept saying oh don't be worrying about that now its a long road ahead. But I did want them to know when they are making plans what it means to me. All I got was a leaflet from Women's Aid which I know all about anyway. My other daughter has just left after many years a very controlling abusive relationship and she understood. I said to her its hard you walk in and he looks so poorly its heart breaking. When I can I will visit but I have been told he will be there 7 wks and maybe our local hospital for a few more. Obviously as time goes by we will see how far he gets and though my nurse daughter says most stroke people end up gentle soles my other daughter worked in a brain injury unit, not all were strokes obviously some were RTA's but abuse of the staff was common in there including broken bones etc.
The bungalow we moved to is a small one bed perfect for one or two but there would be no room for a lot of equipment though I am asking the HA for a wet room as much for me as him if he came back. There just would be no room for a hospital bed etc so if he did not improve much it may be a choice taken out of my hands as in the case of his father.
The only good things so far is my daughter has a contact who will sell his van as its doing nothing stuck there. Its not worth much but I can't drive and parking space is so small here its out of the way then.
Secondly he said yesterday that he wants me to get Power of Attorney. I am guessing that this is over the worry of his parents house no way would he be up to that to be honest I would probably deal with it better as I am more calm and less likely to start another family war.
Thank you all for your support

My friends husband had a stroke. His personality hasn't improved. Physically he has improved. But she's had to learn to do all the bills. It's beyond his ability now. Can anyone in your family show you how to do this. If you were single you'd have been doing it years ago.

* my daughters all keep saying he is family nothing is too much trouble for him *

Great! Your daughters can do the hospital visits , his hospital laundry, and IF he ever leaves hospital they can take turns having him to stay in their homes.

You're off the hook.

Just give them lots of praise and tell them you are so very touched and grateful that they are going to take on all the care of their dear old Dad while you focus on your own recovery.

If they object, it's time to remind them they have two parents and hand over a list of help you need from them.

Please, please, start putting yourself first.

No, you do not have to let him come back if he is going to abuse you.
He should be appointed a social worker who can help you too. Could he go into a care home, it could be for convalescence then see how it goes.

Did you talk to the GP about how you feel and what has been going on?

Have your daughters got room for him at their homes if they are so keen for him to come home? Will they step up to the mark and care for him?

We looked after my mother after she'd had strokes (Dad had died a few years before) but she was not difficult at all except for getting upset that we had to do all this for her.
It's not easy.

If he asks why you're not visiting just say it's too difficult to get there or tell a white lie, that you have a cold and don't want to bring it in to the ward or just say you don't feel well, which is true.

My panic attacks are getting worse so the GP has upped my propranolol which has helped a bit.
Now I am getting the bungalow how I like it and I do not like to think of him coming home but my daughters all keep saying he is family nothing is too much trouble for him makin me feel awful. He has got cross a few times in the ward.
My sister said she is taking me out to lunch today then the hospital I know I will be in agony later.
I have started to get things sorted but all the bills are in a right mess but he said that I did not know what I was doing so no right to know. I am battling through but its in a terrible state.
My neighbor has been so kind to me. She has a lot of MH issues but she is so kind to me.
I love the peace here and the dog too he feels so calm now he is rescue and lots of issues but he is so much better. Starting to come out and explore.
I can't say he has to go elsewhere but its nice to sleep without being mauled sorry or days making me cry. He has no one else so I have to let him come back

He's going to be in a distant hospital at least 7 weeks. Frequent or daily visiting is impractical. Meanwhile you have a break from his unpleasant behaviour, and the house to yourself.

This is a rare opportunity to focus on yourself, resting at home, relaxing, improve your own physical and mental health. Eat well, go for a walk, get some fresh air, sleep well at night. Make the most of this time to yourself and see it as a positive. You can start this right now.

Stop worrying about him, he's in good hands and it's now up to him to accept treatment, do whatever the physiotherapist, be responsible for his own rehabilitation .

Take care of yourself. It's long overdue.

labazs, this could be your opportunity to make your relationship a workable, respectful one, so I would aim for that. You can have input from people who are there to help you both, so try to ensure you have their backing.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

You must look after yourself and making a GP appointment as a first step is a good idea.

Oh my.love
What a lot to cope with

I would visit when you feel you can but don’t put yourself out. You need to be well for your own operation