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Breakup of a Marriage, Painful at Any Age

(10 Posts)
juneh Tue 14-Jan-14 11:19:37

I have decided to split up from my husband of 5 years, 9 years together. (We were both widowed when we met) I know, I know, I am nearly 70 years old and maybe too old for such a massive upheaval but I have realised that our relationship is over. We have had good times in the first years, but this last 2 have been very up and down with me seemingly doing the chasing when things are not so good, he is rather a reserved cold man which I didn't really notice at first and I tend to do all the emotional and physical care. We squabble too much for my liking and he is sadly getting on my nerves which is not good. I have regular disagreements about my seeing my grandchildren who live a long way off and requires me to travel. He now seems to hate my daughter and will not come with me or stay over and even in the beginning he would not stay longer than 3 nights. She has always been polite and gone to a lot of trouble to make sure the food is to his liking (he is a funny eater) The stuff between them is rather petty and I cannot help but think he is jealous but he has his own family of similar age. His grandsons are much older, but saying that for the first year we had two of the younger ones from school and through holidays for a year after we got together.
I am missing my little family more and more and this new years they came to stay and my daughter and my husband did not see eye to eye about something and he refused to speak to her at all for the whole of new year hol.
He sulked and was unapproachable to my little granddaughters who call him grandpa which was awful. One asked me why Grandpa didn't want to come out with us and why was he acting funny.
I asked him to come out with us for a meal on new years day and he refused saying he did not want to be with my daughter. When they had gone home he said next time they come he would go away.
I can understand him not liking my daughter I suppose he has the right but now he blames her for the break up of what he calls his marriage and his life being ruined.
I cannot live under the strain of this or with a man who can make himself unapproachable to two little girls 6 and 9. When they had gone home I told him it was over.
Maybe if we had 30-40 years of history together then maybe I could work through it but now I want what time I have left being with people who love me.
House is on the market and although he is baffled by it all we are on the move and now although feel really scared I am looking forward to being close to my family.

eliza Tue 14-Jan-14 13:43:19

Dear Juneh good for you I say!!--I have to make you right when you say that you want people around you that love you!

Regardless to what age you are, you are still entitled to be happy.

Reading between the lines, I feel that you are relieved and looking forward to the future.

Good luck to you Dear x

juneh Sat 18-Jan-14 23:00:50

Thanks for your reply, much appreciated. It's interesting that since I decided things are moving quickly and never once has my husband asked me if there was anything he could do to make this right. I can't help wondering about that. ���� maybe he is relieved?

Kate13 Sat 18-Jan-14 23:34:34

Hello Juneh
You've only got one life and you must certainly not waste it living a life that makes you unhappy. It takes a lot of courage to make a big change, , especially as we get older but it sounds as though you're doing the right thing and that you are going to be happier with the freedom to enjoy your DD and your lovely DGDs. You wouldn't be human if you weren't a bit scared but be strong and enjoy your loving family.
Stick with gransnet, there are some good folks who'll be there for you.
Hugs flowers

Roderick Sun 19-Jan-14 15:36:25

Hello,I am not a funny eater,I married a nurse with a history of mental illness and alcoholism.We had 2 sons and the marriage was happy for several decades.Then her mental illness and alcoholism returned and we divorced in 2007 after being married for 40 years
It is not easy living on ones own after all that time

Roderick Sun 19-Jan-14 15:38:43

Hello,I am not a funny eater,I married a nurse with a history of mental illness and alcoholism.We had 2 sons and the marriage was happy for several decades.Then her mental illness and alcoholism returned and we divorced in 2007 after being married for 40 years
It is not easy living on ones own after all that time

juneh Mon 20-Jan-14 08:00:38

Hello Roderick I know it isn't easy living alone after being with someone for a long time, I was married for over 30 years up to my first husband's death almost 13 years ago, however I did live alone for 3 years up to meeting my now husband. We have been together for nearly 9 years and I am truly afraid of being alone again, although I will be living nearer to my family. Being together with someone almost means being symbiotic, learning to anticipate moods, emotions and life in general and then separating from that is traumatic but I know there will be good times and I like to be with people, so hopefully will make new friends and move forward yet again into another life. Feels like I have had quite a few already.
Gransnet in Cornwall will be a link to others I am sure.

Roderick Mon 20-Jan-14 10:55:39

Hello June,Thanks for reply,alcoholism in a partner is very difficult to live with because you do not always know if the other person is drunk or not until you notice they are unsteady on their feet.Time and time again she promised not to drink but she always went back to it.I found this uncertainty very stressful and difficult to live with.Our marriage became a sham but it was not entirely her fault because she was abused as a child,I will say no more

juneh Tue 21-Jan-14 10:16:23

Hello Roderick
My father was an abusive alcoholic and as a child I was always felt filled with terror as he constantly physically abused my mother until she left him when I was 11 years old. My brother was 15 so she had persisted for years in trying to help him and so on.
However she soon found someone else who turned out to be a compulsive gambler. Not a good combination,
I am looking forward to being on my own now and moving down to Cornwall and I have a good contact with Gransnet in Cornwall. Cannot wait. smile

CenoviaAdelleh Fri 21-Mar-14 08:34:42

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