It’s often the case that children are shielded from the death of a grandparent, a relative or a loved one, for their own protection if nothing else. But in the eyes of author Annie Broadbent, this isn’t the way it should be.
Annie Broadbent
Death, taboo and grandchildren
Posted on: Thu 10-Aug-17 10:33:13
(6 comments )
For most people, their first experience of grief is the death of a grandparent. It is an inevitable and expected death. In this way, it is a fundamental experience for many children and adults for coming into first contact with death, dying and grief. And yet so often, grandchildren are kept away. I have heard many people tell me they were not allowed to go to their grandparents’ funeral. And other people share that there was little encouragement to see their grandparents before dying and how they regretted it later on. This is a crucial opportunity missed – an opportunity to start building a necessary and valuable relationship with death, a relationship that will serve us all throughout our whole life.
Parents play an important role here in facilitating that bridge between their children and their dying grandparents. But the responsibility also lies with grandparents. How different would things be if grandparents started talking about death and their experience of grief with their grandchildren when they are young? Young children are naturally open and curious about death. They learn to fear it from adults. So how would it be to dispel that fear by talking about it?
Parents play an important role here in facilitating that bridge between their children and their dying grandparents. But the responsibility also lies with grandparents.
If grandparents avoid talking about it, and grandchildren are kept away from it, the taboo around death and grief will remain firmly entrenched in that family. Surely, if grandparents lead the way in opening dialogues about death, not only will they model a healthy relationship with death and grief for their grandchildren, but, in doing so, it will affect their own relationship with death – their feelings about dying and confront any fears and doubts they may have.
Of course this isn’t necessarily an easy thing to do. The taboo around death exists for a reason. Death is big and uncertain and frightening. And we like to talk about things we know, especially to our children and grandchildren. Talking about something for which we might not have all the answers is a daunting prospect. But it is for this reason, and the others I have mentioned above, that it will be a rich and valuable experience – for grandparent and grandchild. It’s an experiment in radical honesty, taking a leap in to the unknown and trusting that it will be OK.
Annie's book Speaking of Death is available online and from all good booksellers. You can find out more about Annie on her website.