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I might be in the wrong place, but from todays Guardian

(21 Posts)
jollyg Wed 20-Aug-14 14:39:02

This seems to resonate with quite a lot of Mums who are trying to get their kids to realise that life is for real, it aint no preparation for potty training

janerowena Wed 20-Aug-14 15:28:08

My sister had to sell up and move away from London, just to get her kids to leave home, for much the same reasons described by both sides of that article.

Mishap Wed 20-Aug-14 17:51:56

I love it!

Eloethan Wed 20-Aug-14 18:05:18

I did think the original article written by the son was quite funny, but I'm glad his mum had the right of reply - that was even funnier.

NfkDumpling Wed 20-Aug-14 19:15:57

How did he reach 40, supposedly live independently and still manage to have not matured beyond 18? No wonder he doesn't have a full time woman.

FlicketyB Wed 20-Aug-14 21:34:59

What amazes me is that at the age of 40 he thinks he can move back home with the same inclusive rights as if he was 16.

When you move back home as an adult, and 40 is very adult, you come back as a guest in your parent's house and should have the same respect for them, their house and their customs as you would if you had taken refuge in a stranger's home.

On the other hand, if an adult child comes home they should be expected to pay their way; even if they are unemployed and on benefits they should still be expected to pay a significant proportion of their income to their parents for their keep. The value of what they get will certainly exceed what they are paying.

Parents who let their adult children move back home without making a financial contribution to their keep and earning by practical assistance what they cannot afford to pay are disrespecting themselves and should not be surprised if their cuckoo child treats them with the same disrespect.

penguinpaperback Wed 20-Aug-14 21:35:26

I've just read the son's account, copied and pasted this part,
All the things you take for granted when you live alone – masturbating when and wherever you want; barrelling in drunk and ordering a pizza, leaving it out on the sofa overnight and then having the rest for breakfast; drinking wine at 10.30am on a Saturday – they're all out of the window.
He is 40 going on 15! I advise Mum and Dad to quickly change the locks.

Elegran Wed 20-Aug-14 21:48:42

I think both accounts were written by the son - a journalist.

janeainsworth Wed 20-Aug-14 22:41:45

The mum and the son both sound ghastly.
No wonder the dad hides in the greenhouse.

ninathenana Wed 20-Aug-14 23:45:29

Sounds like my brother grin although he was paying the mortgage (he bought mum's LA house) and moved in with her at 50ish. Having got divorced several years earlier and co-inhabiting with several different women. He's always been a slob.

What self respecting 50 yr old sleeps on a double mattress on the floor !!

ayse Thu 21-Aug-14 09:33:42

When my DD was 18 she announced she was having a year 'off'. Just to explain she had not been going to school and failed her 'A' levels as a result. I didn't know at the time as the school failed to talk to me about her non-attendance until it was too late!

I announced to her that if she was signing on she would need to pay £20 per week towards her keep as she was 18 and had been supported by her parents for 18 years. At the time, I worked for the Employment Service and directed her to the Jobcentre and told her to take up a training opportunity - which she did and got a job shortly after and moved out (rather cross) although I she did bring her washing round. After a bit she took up night school and got her A levels and went to University and has gone on from there to be quite self-sufficient.

Some people may think I was a rather hard Mum, but I just didn't want her to think she could avoid responsibility for herself and her actions. In retrospect I'm glad I put my foot down. I'm always willing to help out if I can. I think it's important for young people to accept some responsibility for their lives - after all, at 18 they can vote etc. etc.

Now perhaps it would be a bit different as they receive little state support until they are 25 but that doesn't mean they can behave like children, especially at the age of 40! The Mum's letter was very funny - DH still doesn't seem to be totally grown up smile

Gracesgran Thu 21-Aug-14 14:38:26

I just don't think we do our children any favours by not making sure they cover their costs after the age of full time education so I'm with you on this one ayse. I actually told my children, jokingly, although they knew there was truth in it, that I would take a third of whatever they were earning after this age as "board". This would mean, as I explained, that the more they earned the more they would pay until such time as they thought it was worth moving out, because, as I said, that is what adults do (move out).

You can always save what you get and give it to them to help in setting up their new home but bringing up children to believe they can get something for nothing is not good for them.

Nonu Thu 21-Aug-14 14:47:29

I don"t think if the GROWN CHILDREN give money it should be saved and given to them later.

HollyDaze Thu 21-Aug-14 14:56:09

There is also the other side of the coin. Two people I knew took steps to ensure their children left home and learned to stand on their own two feet:

person one (a university professor I knew) told me that his sons, when they reached the age of 18, were chucked out of the house with £2,000 and told to go and make something of themselves and not come back until they did - and they did! All three of them!

Person two: she was a sergeant in the RAF and she told their only child, a son, that when he reached 18, he was out of the house - and he was. He has also done very well for himself.

I know I couldn't have done that but looking at how those 4 lads turned out, it does make me wonder ...

Eloethan Thu 21-Aug-14 15:31:37

There's surely a middle way?

We were pretty easy going with our son (having been, with hindsight, over-strict with our daughter, which led to a somewhat troubled relationship), and when he started work, we never asked him for "keep". He was consequently not at all good with money. He didn't get into debt but he wasted a lot of money and didn't save at all.

He now has a good job and is a responsible and kind person who is good at managing his finances. However, it took a while and during that time a lot of money went down the drain. On reflection, I think it is better, if financially possible, to do what Gracesgran suggested - take some money for keep and save all or a percentage of it for them for when it is really needed.

Hollydaze I don't at all like the idea of chucking children out of their family home when they are 18. The people in question may well have turned out to be "successful" and capable, but I fear such a cold approach to parenting might result in pretty hard-hearted adults.

rosesarered Thu 21-Aug-14 15:32:00

I think that it's very harsh HollyDaze [from both people] I would have hated to think that my Mother would have done that to me [does she dislike me so much?] You would need to be earning a fair bit to set up on your own now at 18. However, 40 [unless it's a mental health, or physical health thing] is another matter entirely.If grown up children pay their way and help out in the home, that's one thing, but if they pay very little [or none] and expect a slave service as well, then that's another.

Iam64 Thu 21-Aug-14 18:50:48

We currently have one of our children, aged 28 and her partner aged 29 living with us. They returned from a 10 month travelling trip a few months ago. Both are working (as they always have) and saving. They have just got a mortgage on their 1st home and will be moving out before too long. I'm so glad
we've been able to share what is our family home, to give them a bit of assistance. They have paid rent, shared the cooking, can't say I've seen either of them with a hoover in their hand, but hey ho. They are great company, and it's been a privilege to live together.
Not all our parenting experiences have been easy, but that's family life isn't it? By the way, I agree with all the posts about adult children being guests in their parents home if they return. It's respect, init grin

Wheniwasyourage Thu 21-Aug-14 19:24:11

We live in a small town and our children always knew that they would leave home at 17 if they were going to university, which they all did. In fact one went at 16 (Scotland, December birthday, left after getting all the necessary Highers in 5th Year) and although the first year was hard, got an Honours degree at 20 (Scotland, 4 year degree). They didn't seem to feel that they had been thrown out and we are very proud of how they turned out!

susieb755 Thu 21-Aug-14 20:21:54

I'm with you Ayse, DS1 was 18 in the october, left 6th from in the July having flunked A levels due to sheer laziness, drinks and sex.... I explained in the August that he wasnt on school holiday, this was the real world and he needed to pay his keep, so get a job or move out ! Having claimed ot not be able to find the job centre he moved out to a bedsit, then a small flatlet, never came home and now lives in Berlin

It did him and me the world of good - we never fell out, but would have done if he had remained comatose on the sofa ad infinitum
I love him dearly, but had got close to infanticide

FlicketyB Thu 21-Aug-14 21:02:44

There is a difference between leaving home at 18 to go to university or, even, work and being chucked out of the family home at 18 by your parents.

As I said in a previous post I never gave my children money when they got in a mess, only lent it and made sure it was repaid, I also always charged them keep, but I would never have kicked them out at 18. Despite that they have both turned out to be sensible and fiscally responsible and have developed successful careers based on their abilities and work ethic.

ayse Fri 22-Aug-14 09:38:30

DD mentioned above did get into some debt. Her friend came round with threats of county court. I paid the debt to clear it and told her about the problem (she was with her Dad at the time). She promised to pay me back and asked me not to tell her Dad but failed to come up with the goodies. Eventually after chasing her for sometime, I called her and announced the money paid would be a Christmas and next birthday present. She was not best pleased but it resolved the issue. I felt so guilty at the time but glad in retrospect that I took some action.

Lately she had problems with 14 year old daughter loosing phones, school jumpers etc. She also put her foot down and made said GD work (in the garden and similar) for an hourly rate to refund the money lost by paying for replacements. Surprise, surprise - GD stopped loosing her belongings.

I reckon it's down to parents to try to help their children to learn essential life lessons such as money doesn't grow on trees and they must learn to be responsible for their actions. Having said all that, if at anytime they have needed emotional support, I've done my best to provide support and a listening ear as they are all very precious to me.

I have to say that my children have also been a great support to me when I have been in difficulties and fortunately we all have wonderful relationships with each other (most of the time) smile