It's not just women who are abused.

Emotional abuse is very difficult to prove as it tends to happen when there are no witnesses around and leaves no physical marks.

My ex slipped up towards the end but only rarely and not enough to stop people thinking that he was a lovely, friendly fella.

I am led to believe that the police, or some of them, have received extra training about domestic abuse but there is a legacy of the tired old attitude – "It's just a domestic". I would also argue that women are not automatically believed when they claim that there has been violence towards them if there are no visible bruises and cuts. It must be very difficult for both men and women to prove emotional abuse – not much, if anything, in the way of tangible evidence.

And different words can mean different things in different parts of the country
[already discovered this on gransnet. I havent yet come across a poster who lives in the same area of me]

The actual meanings of words change. Or additional meanings get added on to a word.
Dictionaries can lag behind the spoken word.
I think they do a great job[I know of a dictionary writer], but they cant help but be behind the times.

Soutra are you trying to blind with science

Yes, grammar and all of that.

I am wondering about the emotional value people attach to words, which can change over time.

Oh what a nuanced language English can be! I do try to be guided by the actual meaning of a word but have to recognise that is not always the case. I remember one Adult Ed student who was practically in tears because he had no idea of the "definite" and "indefinite" article and could not get his head round the German equivalents of "a" and "the". "But a hotel is a very definite article or thing to me," he kept protesting.

Exactly petallus, not cozy, but terrifying.

I took the post to mean that, whatever the official dictionary definition and origin of the word 'domestic', to most of us it conjures up ideas and feelings of cosy, unthreatening safety.

However, for me adding the word 'violence' changes that completely. Instead of cosiness and safety, the feeling is of fear, unpredictability and danger.

soontobe - those of us who have direct or professional experience (and in some cases both) of domestic abuse understand what the legal definition of the term is. It ain't cozy as I suspect you know very well.

Non sequitur?

I know it makes it worse.

My home is cosy. I suspect your domestic arrangements are cosy too. As are probably the majority of the posters on gransnet.

My opinion. Others dont have to agree.

Domesticsimply means "within the home" (Latin: domus = home). Far from trivialising such assaults, to talk of "domestic abuse/assault/violence" makes it worse because the home should be a place of safety. Nothing "cosy" in the word domestic it is simply descriptive.

Although I agree that men are physically stronger than women it is not always the case that they are emotionally stronger. Most men would not hit a woman who was hitting them because they just simply don't hit women. Men may defend themselves but, as someone else has already mentioned, they are scared they will be accused of abuse if they do and I know that happens. A woman can claim anything she likes and be believed but it does not work the other way round.

Abuse often starts off very subtly with the woman criticising the man so much he feels inadequate and will try anything to please her. From then on she has power over him which no one else understands. He has no hope until he gets out of the relationship but many don't because they don't realise how damaged they are. Yes, men do this to women but the women are believed.

He can't bring himself to leave her. I think it's gone on for such a long time that he can't see any other way of life.

He says he married her for better or worse til death they do part

Would he consider seperating from her?
I dont know if he is religious or not, or a christian.
But the bible says that if there is not peace in the house, then seperation is acceptable. This is not divorce. He would still be married to her.

It is the domestic bit.
domestic appliances, domesticity.

When really it is lots of abuse
and often violence.
and fear which is in your own home.

The term domestic "abuse" rather than domestic "violence" is a much more comprehensive description of the issues that can occur in an abusive relationship.
This seemed to start being used to make it clear that an "abusive relationship" did not ref to purely physical assaults and that it covers all sorts of situations such as very controlling behaviour or financial and emotional abuse.

This might help victims realise that these other patterns of abusive behaviour should be taken seriously as they can be equally damaging to victims.
This "Domestic Abuse" is very different in nature to random assaults in the street.
Maybe the term "relationship abuse" would be more helpful.

Not minimising what your uncle went through though vampirequeen.

A man can hold a woman down. Usually a woman cannot hold a man down.

I boxed DH's ear once. He hardly flinched.

Sorry- bl***y phone plus "fat finger syndrome. I expect you got the gist however.

A woman I think in Scotland spent 2 nights in the cells pver a weekend becsusr dhe "bopped" her husband over the head with a newspaper- not even folded up. I don't know what they'd have done to you jingl!

Men can't protect themselves. If they retaliate or even try to hold the woman off they're accused of being a woman batterer. We all thought my uncle was a wife batterer because she would show us the bruises on her wrists where, she would say, he had held her down. It was true that the bruises were caused by him holding her wrists but in was in an attempt to stop her injuring him further. On two occasions I saw the injuries for myself. Each time I was at my grandma's. The first time was when he arrived with blood pouring down his face and head. She had thrown a knife at him and it had cut his ear. She wasn't aiming for his ear, she was just throwing the knife so he was lucky it was only his ear. Another time he arrived with a knife sticking out of his thigh. He was in a panic and grandma had to remove the knife and staunch the bleeding. Each time we thought that she had resorted to knives in an attempt to protect herself from him and he received no sympathy. Now we know differently.

Just this week she attacked him because he had been out to lunch with us (the dreaded goodbye lunch on another thread). She decided he'd been too long and laid into him as he walked through the door. He ended up locking himself in the bathroom until she fell asleep.

When it comes to physical abuse, men have the advantage most of the time.

A man has a good chance of defending himself against a woman, not so the other way round.

I agree that it is worse.

But it sounds quite a bit better somehow, cosier, as Ana said.
And maybe it does not get anywhere enough seriousness and resources because of that.

Our police force is good, but got rapped because it was not good enough in how it deals with da.

Sometimes, changes in words, can make a big difference.

Domestic Violence is not the same as violence which can happen on the spur of the moment, between strangers, and so on
DV is worse it is systematic, unprovoked, without warning , pre meditated, and is about dominance and control, often accompanied by financial and emotional abuse and sexual violence.

The actual legal definition is now Domestic Abuse to encompass all of this