I'm glad Sally Challen is out.

Oh for an edit button! 'some choice on how we live our lives, how we respond to negative and positive life events'. Yes, I do feel that but `I accept some of us have more negative, difficult life experiences than others.

Anniebach, I suspect we're all the product of nature and nurture. There's recent research about the influence of DNA on not only our emotional, mental and physical health but also on the way our lives play out.
I still feel we have some choice in how we live our lives, how we respond to negative and positive life events.

Above post is a bit mixed up, missed a line so hope you can make sense of it
As you can see, seem to attract the same type of man
Given up now

Men like this often have had an abusive childhood,
My latest relationship i finshed recently was adopted at birth, then his adopted mother left him with his adpted father for another man, so abandonded twice, and i know it still affects him badly
I believe his has affected his relationships with women, he doesn;t trust people in general, and is paranoid about people knowing too much about him
He is like Jekyll and Hyde, and it is difficult to equate the lovely man he can be to the quite cruel in some ways other side of him, which is what messes with your head, and which makes you go back, hard to explain because you don; and it is the good side that pulls you back
know which side you are dealing
I think they turn out to be Narcissists, or have those tendencies

Can I please apologise that the title of this thread makes it sound as if Sally Channen is gay.

Sorry!

I am still pondering on what causes a man to be a controller,
nature or nurture ?

Thank you for the insight, Margarithea
Most of us will not know what it is like to be 'in thrall' to someone like that, from the age of 15 being made to feel as if we are worthless and being emotionally dependent on someone who is gradually destroying us.

EllanVAnnin, it isn't true to say the police don't get too involved in "domestics". In the past yes but the growing body of evidence about the risks to individuals who are subjected to abuse has led to better training within the police. There are also now specialist units who focus on domestic abuse. The officers who respond to concerns can and often do, refer to the specialist units who follow up and offer support and advice.
Orangedog sets out the way the police helped her relative realise that the emotional abuse she was being subjected to was damaging to her and her child and the likelihood was it would escalate.

@EllanVannin
Not quite. Involuntary manslaughter is either gross negligence or unlawful act, gross negligence is where you owe a duty of care to someone and then fail to act, ie. You fail to feed your own child, or as a doctor you fail to care for a patient. Unlawful act would be a base offence that isn't GBH, perhaps assault or battery that causes someone to attempt to flee and they fall, hit their head and die. Or driving dangerously resulting in death, providing there is no intervening act.
Voluntary manslaughter requires the mental state of murder, but with a defence. Loss of control or diminished responsibility, someone must say or do something of a seriously grave nature that causes you to kill them, or your mental state be it from abuse, causes you to kill your abuser. This is a common misconception. There is an allowance for a "slow burn", so the killing may indeed be premeditated. The courts have to decide if the actions coupled with the defendant's mental state were justified under the circumstances. Note, this is not the same as self-defence which is a complete defence.

My lovely young NDN was with a horrible man who gaslighted her constantly, at times he'd pretend she didn't exist and walked through the house saying things like "I swear I can hear something?" when she spoke, he took her money and accused her of cheating when she barely left the house and he demanded he look through her phone daily.
She always had perfect makeup and lovely clothes and was so smiley and on the ball, she was doing so well at college and her darling little girl was always happy and bounding around chirping away to herself. In a matter of months, we stopped hearing from her and seeing her, when we did see her as she was popping the bins out she looked a mess, no makeup, sallow, withdrawn, stopped going to school. She wore baggy clothes and her daughter became very quiet. We'd often hear shouting from him and crying from her, and one day he tried to break into her house. Poor thing was terrified of him but she wouldn't leave. She was an intelligent, confident girl, she was just ground down gradually by this man. We eventually phoned the police, who went round and put a stop to it. He'd never hit her, she kept saying. In her head, she wasn't a victim, he'd not hurt her physically. She was told quite frankly by the police that this would only escalate, and she was putting her DD at risk by staying. So within a week she'd got legal aid, been to court and he'd been served an 18 month (longer than usual) non-molestation order without notice. It was the only way she could break free of his control. It's been a while since that and she's a lot better, but I can see how some just snap and say enough.
Some people seem to believe manslaughter is an acquittal of murder, but it is a charge that carries a sentence. It requires the act of murder, both mental and physical actions, and a partial defence. This isn't really anything new exactly, the case of Ahluwalia saw a woman who set fire to her abusive husband so that he could not chase after her as she fled charged with manslaughter after an appeal. I'm not on social media much, but I've seen a few people irate over this because they believe manslaughter to mean an accidental death, which isn't the case.

Gosh so many good posts. And thank you Magrithea for your first hand experience, and you other brave ladies for posting.

Sally wanted to reconcile, I think she found herself adrift without Richards 'direction'. Paying bills, managing a budget. I see emotional abuse, can recognise it now where maybe years ago it would have been dismissed as 'banter'. My ex liked to joke how he was still waiting for my post natal exercises to start (our kid was in his teens), that sort of thing. His brother was worse, much worse. When I threw my ex out i'd never ran a household alone - getting bills changed to my name, dealing with stuff like the boiler breaking, car repairs, meeting payments due.

Richard visited a local brothel that was raided, found to have girls working there that had been 'slave traded' into the country. He was an unpleasant arse.

Interesting to read all the comments on here - we met Richard and Sally on a trip to Le Mans and immediately hit it off and stayed in touch once home. If you'd met Richard he was a charming, affable man but NONE of us knows what goes on within a marriage as I know from another friend who managed to leave a similar marriage. We never saw the side of him that caused Sally to snap.

The constant drip,drip, drip of criticism and psychological undermining must wear away at anyone, never mind a woman who's been with the person doing that since she was an impressionable teenager.

The reason she was trying for a reconciliation was because he had said he'd change, then demanded an agreement (pre? post? nup) that would have given him everything they owned. When Sally discovered he had again been unfaithful she snapped.

Seeing her on TV this week made me realise how prison has aged her. Those of you who criticise -try and imagine how you'd cope!

Oh, and we got one of those 'delightful' Christmas cards with the topless models on!!

Urmstongran, this is why police don't get too deeply involved in " domestics " because they know that sooner or later the couple will make up only for it to start all over again.
In these violent situations when/if the police are called in the abused is asked if they wish to press charges where any physical damage is evident, or if there's a degree of fear but 9 times out of 10 the abuser turns down that request.

I'm glad Sally Challen has been freed. She is unlikely to ever do anything like this again. Surely that must be in the reckoning when someone is freed.

My heart goes out to others on this thread who have suffered or who have seen family members in an abusive relationship.

MammaBear welcome and do keep posting, We're with you all the way in your struggle to be free.

Your poor daughter, how awful for her. A controlling partner is very difficult to leave. They always make you feel as though they are "doing it for your own good" don't they? Very happy to hear that she has moved on in her life and a I really hope she is happy

Sometimes you can love a person and the emotional abuse is so painful it becomes unbearable, and there is a love/hate situation, which muddles the mind, and the only way is to escape in any way possible
Might be hard to understand, but i think this is what broke Sally Challen, and made her snap, she still misses him apparently,
I have been in a similiar situation, and the only way i could cope was to think of the worst of the person, if i thought of the loveliness at the beginning it still hurt wondering why the niceness turned to abuse
My first husband was like this, and i used to hope he would get killed in his lorry because that would solve the problem,
It is horrible to even think i could think like that, but it took a lot for me to escape far away when he was at work, as he said if i ever left him no one would look at me again and he would break my legs,
So my daughter wasnt the only one to have an abusive husband, even my children dont know this about their father

In her statement yesterday I think she said she still loved him - that shows the depth of the emotional hold he had and still has over her. It’s not broken by death so it wouldn’t probably have been broken by her moving out into her own house. I don’t think you ever escape that type of abuse. Poor woman - I hope she does get some measure of peace one day.

I get that Ilovecheese and it was very brave of MB to tell us of her life with a bully.

But she didn’t leave him, set up a home independently and then, after 12 months .... GO BACK to him.

That’s the bit I don’t understand at all with the SC case.

Why did she return after such a long time? She’d escaped his abuse.

And to all others who have posted about their experiences - well done and all good wishes and strength for the future.

Mammabear it is very brave of you to share your story, thank you.

Urmstongran That is why it is so good to read first hand accounts like those from Mammabear. So that people like myself who have not been in that sort of situation, can try and gain a better understanding.

The bit I don’t get .... they split up. She bought a house and lived apart for 12 months. The boys weren’t youngsters.

Then after all that time - she went back to him??

Mammabear I understand how you feel. I married at 18 and didn't understand that this relationship wasn't normal and no-one else lived like this. After 15 years of having clothes bought for me and being told what to wear I couldn't choose anything by myself as I was frightened of getting it wrong.

Please stay free the "adulting" comes with time and practise don't knock yourself. Love yourself and try to enjoy your freedom. for you.

I have just quickly skimmed thhis thread but she had been physiaclly abused, enough to leave bruises, as well as the emotional controlling abuse.
No-one knows except her what was in her mind.
Is no-one charitable enough to think that she had the hammer for self-defence or to use as a threat?

I feel this was the correct decision re Sally Challenor. It's hard to see what purpose would be served by her remaining in prison any longer, and she's not a threat to anyone else.

DV and coercive control can be so subtle. I know someone who managed to finally break free from her controlling dh. He didn't physically abuse her but the mental abuse was horrific. It began under the guise of him 'loving her so much' eg he took control of all their finances so 'you don't need to worry about money' but she ended up having to account for every penny she spent. He also had a tracker on her phone so he knew where she was every hour of every day.

He eventually gave up work altogether so she was the sole breadwinner for them and their four children. She still had to do all the housework and child care while he took to the bottle. As others have noted, it was only when he turned his attentions to the children that she managed to find the strength to break away.

He spent time in a MH unit where he was found to have no diagnosable disorders. He eventually committed suicide, almost as though he was having a tantrum, and to try to punish my friend further by making her feel guilty. Thankfully, the authorities provided wonderful support to her and she has a strong network of friends and she and her family are coming out the other side now. It's easy to see, though, how a victim could think that doing away with one's torturer might be the only solution.