Domestic violence

I'm glad two of you recognise that it is not only men who abuse. Coercive control is as prevalent in women as in men. Have you seen the statistics for male suicide?

Gabriella am I to congratulate you on walking away from a fiancée over a little tiff what a brave woman you are !! your little story is very different to being married with a home and children and not just having yourself to think of there is a much bigger picture then you are imagining or aware of in most abusive relationships

Thanks for making the point, Maw. I just happened on the live debate yesterday and posted a link on another thread.
But didn't listen to what was said.
The subject is too personal for me - bad memories came back but I only want to know about my dear second husband who has changed my views of men.

I was in a physically abusive relationship for 15 years and yes, the abuse built up. First a little shove, moving on to a stronger shove, enough to knock me over, progressing through to his hands round my neck bashing my head against a wall. One of the chilling aspects of abuse towards woman (IMO) is that the abuser can often be seen as a Light in the Community - my ex was, and still is a paramedic. I went to the police and after taking a statement heard nothing for weeks until a letter asking if I wanted to further the case - I decided if I did, and he went to prison, at some time in the future he'd be out and I'd spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder in fear, eternal punishment Leaving was difficult as he came to live in my house.

Gabriella I respect that you are entitled to your own opinion. I assume I am correct in thinking that you have never experienced violence in your life from what you write. I am happy for you.

I am a survivor of abuse so have a very different point of view/

My daughter was a victim of DA ,she left him,he talked her unto going back ,time after time .I was so angry and worried I threatened to kill him if he laid another finger on her .That very weekend she was saved for what could well have been her death by a friend walking in and finding her on the floor anf him jumping on her .She was beaten black and blue and the mental scars were even worse than the physical ones.She came home ,but she was never the bubbly ,fun girl she had been .The other thing about it that made me ever angrier was the fact his mother was a social worker whose job was looking after women who were being abused ! Of course she said he didn't do it...despite the witness .

Last week there was a heart rending interview on Radio 4 with Sally Challen who was sentenced to 25 years for killing her abusive husband but recently released under the new law coercive control law.

If you want to understand why women don't leave, this is chilling and illuminating.

player.fm/series/womans-hour/sally-challen-with-her-son-david-her-first-radio-interview

I read a very interesting book years ago called 'Scream quietly, or the neighbours will hear' written by Erin Pizzey. Blasted the myth that somehow only the feckless were involved in domestic violence, and that they were not 'like us'. She detailed cases of solicitors, police officers, doctors, all 'respectable' middle class families with dreadful things happening, and in the days when nobody would believe the victim as some of you have bravely shared. Imagine being told to go home and give your husband 'a good time' to stop him beating you. We have moved on, thank heavens, the abuse and violence still happens, but now there is help, if you are able to ask for it. GG54, sending a ring back because you disagreed with your fiance's financial agreement with his parents isn't really the same thing, is it?

I think we need to teach the younger generations what domestic abuse is. By that I mean as parents we should have taught our children that in the same way as we taught them about sex, about consent, about drugs and about alcohol. I regret that I didn't do that. I know why I didn't, I was covering my own past. We also need to teach them it is domestic abuse and that doesn't just mean domestic violence. And our sons should have been taught that men can be victims too. Or if and when it happens how will they recognise it and how will they feel able to admit it and seek help. Instead they grow up in a world where they hear jokes about the woman wearing the trousers or about being under the thumb. It can be far more serious than that. It should be no more acceptable for a man to be in a controlling relationship than it is for a woman to be in a controlling relationship. I should have taught him. I didn't.

BlueBelle
Oh dear! Have I upset you? If that's the case, I apologise.
I was not looking for accolades, what a silly thought.
My intent was to say that I walk away for good if a person is consistently unreasonable in their reasoning and doesn't allow for my point of view to have any validity.
I knew married life with him would pan out like that and he had an odd view of women and kitchens and had I ignored the early warning signs, I might have had similar unhappy stories as some on here have, sadly, had to deal with.

GG54 Having a disagreement with someone and flouncing off in a huff is very different from being abused. Being in an abusive relationship renders you never daring to disagree with the abuser in the first place. I find your flippant comments on such a here very upsetting.

From a selfish point of view, it's the effect on the children for the rest of their lives that also needs to be thought about. I was terrified every day during my childhood. I would pray that my father would die. I would lie in bed with my pillow over my head trying not to hear what I was hearing. We were quite neglected as children too. Frightened children often become frightened adults. I know I have.

KatyK my daughter has several health problems which a psychiatrist attributed to the stress from she suffered while in that relationship

Thanks for the link Maw. One women in four experience domestic abuse in their life time. Two women a week are killed by a partner. The most dangerous time for women is when they tell their partner they're leaving, or after they've left.

The subject is less hidden than it was 50 years ago but to say that there is help available now, is to ignore the number of women's refuges closed because of the cuts. Local Authorities used to fund many refuges but can no longer do so because the cuts mean they struggle to meet statutory responsibilities. The charitable sector struggles to attract funding.

Thankyou for this thread Maw and to every one of you who have shared their experiences. I heard it myself yesterday, it was harrowing. My DD was married to a very controlling man and he still tries to control her through their daughter. There was no physical abuse but there are scars nonetheless.
My friend’s DD’s husband beat, raped and tried to murder her, she wants to give him another chance, she thinks she can change him, I hope she’s right ...

gillybob Thank you for the reply.

Yes, I am a stronger person now. I look back on my life and I don't know how I came through it. It was like a fog that enveloped me slowly and at that age I was quite immature and naive. It would never happen now.

I would tell my younger self: Respect yourself and never let anyone make you feel worthless, no matter who they are. Hold your head high and believe in yourself.

AllotmentLil - I felt like I could change him as well. All I can say is Leopards never change their spots.

Shame there are no refuges for men as well.

Nonnie it's well within men's power to set up their own string of refuges but if you think not, why don't you take the initiative and begin the process yourself. I'm sure men would be grateful to you.

bohemian
I wasn't comparing like for like, I was saying that I left a relationship that showed early warning signs of becoming manipulative and overbearing.
Some women put up and shut up for various reasons and some are persuaded to go back thinking things will change.
If you find my post very upseting that isn't my fault.
It's not a competition in which only victims of abuse can enter, nor is it a forum where levels of anuse are calculated and rated.
Abuse, as evinced in many posts here, often starts in mild and barely noticeable ways.
It's not a comparison site.

anuse abuse

The trouble is Gabriella that many women who are not strong in the first place make excellent and easy targets for bullies. The bully does what's called 'doing a number' on them so they feel they deserve no better and would be worse off if they dared to leave. Therefore they get stuck in this horrible spiral of abuse.

KatyK, my heart goes out to you. It is certainly the children who suffer most in an abusive family.

My parents were not abusive, to my brother and me or to each other, so I cannot compare my situation to yours. However, their rows were constant and verbally violent and I found them incredibly upsetting. There were so many strains on the family, too many to list but financial hardship and the fact that my elder brother was autistic - bright but unable to cope with everyday life - were two important factors. There was no diagnosis or help for children like my brother in those days. His meltdowns (and I don't use that term pejoratively) were also deeply upsetting.

I can only try to imagine what it must have been like for you KatyK, but I know that for me, one of the worst aspects was the feeling of powerlessness as a child in this ocean of permanent conflict, unhappyness and distress.
To this day, although I can handle a conflict that I am involved in, I cannot handle it when any of my loved ones argue or row with each other. I even find that disagreements on GN which get personal make me feel uncomfortable.

Sorry your daughter has suffered this paddyann It stays with you unfortunately. Thank you Amagran I'm sorry you suffered too. If only parents would think about what they are doing for all of you who have been in abusive situations.

That’s what I think and fear Whywhywhy ...