Domestic violence

Iam64 Wed 09-Oct-19 12:29:33 I agree with nearly all of you post but would question the use of 'evidence' as I really don't think we have enough evidence of coercive control. I can only speak from my own knowledge as I am not a professional but I know of more instances of women controlling men than men controlling women. Violence, as I've said before, is a very different matter just a shame that some think they are the same abuse. I think it is obvious that mothers are able to control fathers by threatening to take the children away from them. I doubt there is the same control for fathers over mothers.

Notet " descend into an argument about whether men are equally attacked. In the process, being told that I hadn't been on GN long enough (factually wrong)" That is your interpretation of the posts but I think you are misinterpreting them, whether deliberately or not I don't know. I am not aware that anyone has used the word 'equally' or implied as such. I think what some of us were trying to get across (and apparently failing in your case) is that men are also abused. It is not a competition.

I also don't think anyone suggested how long you have been on GN. Of course if you can show me where these occurred I will apologise but perhaps if you can't, you will do so.

What was the joke Trisher , I must have misread.

OMG that's full of typos! watch out for the thread police!

notentirleyallthere please could you explain to me why it is OK for you to use irony about a subject but not for someone else to make a joke? Aren't both introducing humour?
Iam64 if you bothered to read the thread ou would realise that one of the problems with men who are subjected to abuse be they hetero or homosexual is that they seldom reprt so of course their isn't evidence. I seem to remember that idea -no evidence so it isn't happening- was once used about women.

Good points imo hardlythere - anyone who has worked with domestic abuse (whether police, social work, probation, schools, courts, voluntary organisations etc etc) will confirm that children too often say things like "I don't like it when daddy hits mummy", I could go on but that one is enough for me. Of course I'm not claiming women don't behave badly, emotionally and physically but the evidence we have is that they are more likely to be the victims of domestic abuse, than the perpetrator.

Since you put up a confused emoticon Far North, I will explain further, domestic violence is part of wider violence in our society, the subject is now called Interpersonal Violence and there is a definition by the WHO which you could Google if you were interested to find out more.

It strikes me as bizarre that a thread about a video of a brave woman making public her experience of domestic violence should descend into an argument about whether men are equally attacked. In the process, being told that I hadn't been on GN long enough (factually wrong) to know how to interpret posts is just nonsense. It is not difficult to find valid research giving figures and background to domestic violence though it may require more work than reading a newspaper article or hearing someone's story.

My post to you was an attempt to show that violence takes many forms and that we all have violence in us and that asides about usernames are just one example of passive aggression. As to whether Pam Ayres' poems are acceptable, well times change and sometimes there is much truth in humour. To ban things out of political correctness doesn't make those very things go away.

Yes Farnorth, very appropriate, too Far North to see the bigger picture? Hmm, very appropriate. See how easy it is to be violent? Ooh, shock horror, I hear you say, I'm not being violent. But you are, it is the beginnings of being violent to make a hurtful comment which you doubtless think is 'just a joke'.

As it happens my username is a JOKE. Got it? Ooh and on a serious thread too, well you led the way. Now back to anecdotes about policemen.

BTW I've been on this forum since 2009.

Perhaps it is FarNorth but I couldn't help noticing this in the list of her poems. monologues.co.uk/Pam_Ayres/Kill_My_Husband.htm
Is it really OK to say stuff like this in today's world? (I know many have thought it but is it funny to be so graphic?) I really am asking because I know I find the whole subject so serious and worrying.

Very appropriate username, notentirelyallhere

monologues.co.uk/Pam_Ayres/Ask_My_Husband.htm

DV is shocking, sad and far reaching on the mental capacity of the victims. No one should harm another human being in this way, whether it be physical or emotional DV.
My heart goes out to all the victims who have shared their stories here and those who have not.

I am increasingly aware of the people( mostly women) who I have met, and continue to meet who seem reluctant to join in at social, hobby events. They may seem stand offish, but I wonder if their home life does not allow close social contact.
A long time ago I befriended a woman who’s husband was very controlling. Eventually she no longer met anyone socially, unless it was one of their very long standing friends.

Basically I’m saying people need to be there for each other, without judgement.

Gosh I got into trouble by suggesting that men are also abused and you are all widening the subject further. How very dare you!

absthame Mon 07-Oct-19 17:11:25 yes, that was a bad time and I hope it has largely gone. I think the police need to change their attitude to a more open one now though because that pendulum swung too far. The latest paedophile case has shown that simply believing a complainant and even calling them a 'victim' before there has been an investigation is inappropriate. People have lived under a cloud, lost their livelihoods etc because of false accusations so a more balanced view needs to be taken

notentirelyallhere Mon 07-Oct-19 17:05:04
Nonnie I never said it was a competition. Perhaps you see it as such as you feel it necessary to make it clear that you have been on GN for a long time. The only relevance of that must be that you somehow think this gives your posts extra weight.

I'm sorry that you choose to interpret my post as something it is not. The 'relevance' is that I pointed out that this is what those of us who have been on here a long time expect of the forum. Of course it has no 'extra weight' it simply means I have more experience of how Gn works. One of the things that happens is that some people choose to misinterpret posts for their own ends.

It feels like a competition when one poster thinks that another posting about the same issue from a different point of view chooses to complain about that post as if it were a competition.

No, not walking away as I may have more to say on this subject depending what others say.

The fact that you are 'qualified' does not mean your opinions are more important than anyone else's. In fact 'research' on abuse of males and homosexuals is bound to be somewhat limited as they are far less likely to complain so no one really knows. On the news last night I heard that 1 in 4 women have been abused and 1 in 6 men. No idea where those figures came from or how they could be proven

I am always astonished that anyone would think that hitting another weaker person is the only way to discipline a child. Does no-one else have the imagination to be able to correct bad behavior unless it's by means of other bad behavior?
Rewarding good behavior is surely the better option and using non-violent punishment as necessary.

The arrogance of some people who think the solution is simple, never having been in that situation themselves astounds me.

"Destroy our kids, their future and that of all future generations by eliminating discipline ...."

Discipline doesn't and shouldn't involve hitting children (or indeed anybody or any animal).

Yes we are not like other species; we are the arrogant species that is determined to destroy our kids, their future and that of all future generations by eliminating discipline and our environment.

As I say we are the arrogant species and we do know best.

I despair that anyone would see hitting a child as an appropriate form of discipline. We aren’t animals, we have bigger brains, the ability to reflect and to evaluate complex issues. Human children are dependent on parents for much longer than most animals and have much more complex needs.
How on earth do we teach children not to bite, kick, hit etc if we resort to violence when we are cross

paddyann I have listened to that argument for 60 years or so. Every time that I have smacked I have not been angry, fact when I experienced anger I would go for a long walk and most of those close to me behave in a similar manner

All animals, of every species, use clips to correct errant behavior of their young, why the heck is the world not populated with neurotic animals?

In what way does it make sense for our species to ignore the lessons learned over millions of years? Or maybe it's another case were we know best, and happily screw up generations of kids so that we don't have to feel uncomfortable. I despair.

Abshame I'm sure many parents will give "light smacks" and many more wont.Parents in the main smack when THEY are angry so not in complete control
If its an offence for one adult to hit another then surely it should be an offence for any adult to hit a smaller child who cant hit back.Apart from the fact that violence isn't the answer to anything,all you're teaching the child is that hitting people is OK if they annoy you.

Recent surveys have concluded that one in three domestic abuse incidents involve men incurring violence at the hands of women. It is believed that the figure may be substantially higher, but men are much more unlikely to report such incidents or seek help or advise in those circumstances.

Link to report on domestic violence against men can be found below and many others are available on line.

Link available here:-
fullfact.org/crime/are-third-domestic-abuse-victims-men/

No need to duck. I for one agree with you. Unless you have been a child living in that situation you can't possibly know the effect it has. I don't know how we survived it. One of my brothers didn't.