Domestic violence

Notet " descend into an argument about whether men are equally attacked. In the process, being told that I hadn't been on GN long enough (factually wrong)" That is your interpretation of the posts but I think you are misinterpreting them, whether deliberately or not I don't know. I am not aware that anyone has used the word 'equally' or implied as such. I think what some of us were trying to get across (and apparently failing in your case) is that men are also abused. It is not a competition.

I also don't think anyone suggested how long you have been on GN. Of course if you can show me where these occurred I will apologise but perhaps if you can't, you will do so.

Iam64 Wed 09-Oct-19 12:29:33 I agree with nearly all of you post but would question the use of 'evidence' as I really don't think we have enough evidence of coercive control. I can only speak from my own knowledge as I am not a professional but I know of more instances of women controlling men than men controlling women. Violence, as I've said before, is a very different matter just a shame that some think they are the same abuse. I think it is obvious that mothers are able to control fathers by threatening to take the children away from them. I doubt there is the same control for fathers over mothers.

Nonnie I have already said I do not disagree that men get abused too, I have also said it's possible to research these things and find out more. It's interesting that you happen to know more men who've been abused. Fine.

Frankly though I think life's too short to ferret about looking for proof of who said what. I don't know why you're so hot under the collar about this and so determined to be right.

I have been reasonable throughout this discussion and it's done for me. I wish you all the best.

I relate to your experience, whywhywhy, and even after over 40 years, and now living happily with my partner of 20 years, I still have nightmares of my ex husband, who was controlling and violent. I cried when I heard this being broadcast live on the radio.

trisher - that really is enough. I have read the thread. I'm also well aware of the evidence around domestic abuse, whether it relates to gay, lesbian, straight, transgender and so on, people. Men are more likely to be attacked or raped by other men than they are by women. Men are more likely to be violent within relationships or in society. I don't have sons but I do have 5 grandsons and 4 nephews.
My work took me into contact with men and with women who are perpetrators. I empathised with the people I worked with and have fond memories of many of them, despite the crimes they committed.

I cross posted with not entirely, Patsy and Nonnie. Nonnie, I agree that the way in which psychological and physical violence presents can appear very different. The outcome for the victim's psychological and emotional wellbeing can be very similar. Physical abuse can leave visible scars and disabilities, whereas emotional or psychological abuse can leave the victim presenting as unstable, depressed, anxious.

The perpetrator of emotional abuse uses those m.h. problems to argue that the other parent shouldn't have contact or residence of their children.

The family Courts seem to be moving away from the previous stance, that all fathers (and it usually is fathers) who have been violent towards their partners, should have direct contact to children. The evidence about the risks to children in these situations mitigates against a presumption of direct contact.

not "Frankly though I think life's too short to ferret about looking for proof of who said what. I don't know why you're so hot under the collar about this and so determined to be right." Please stop misrepresenting me, I am not 'hot under the collar' but it does feel as if you are. It is not about being 'right' that must be the way you work, it is about the truth which is very important to me.

tsy70 Wed 09-Oct-19 18:20:23 I cried too and it hasn't happened to me! I suffer with empathy.

Iam64 Wed 09-Oct-19 21:12:45 totally agree with that.

GG54, what you experienced was not abuse, it was a disagreement and you left.

Abuse, is being not able to visit friends or family, isolated, financially dependent, beaten and made to feel you are worthless. You might well have children, where do you go? how can you afford to leave, all these things will play on your mind.

You GG54, have shown in many of your posts that you have no compassion for anyone weaker than you. But just maybe one day you will find you need help and some compassion shown.

Nonnie I feel abused by you, you're not reading my posts, you're picking and choosing as it suits you and reacting. I have a right to an opinion as you do but you accuse me of one thing after another and maybe you don't have a life beyond this but I do. Just get off my back.

Not I think that's part of the problem, alleging abuse when someone has merely stood up for themselves against someone who constantly misconstrues what they say and ignores requests to put things right. If one can't apologise for doing so one really should not accuse another of bullying but should look in the mirror.

You did say this thread was 'done'. Seems that is another inaccuracy.

But Nonnie, I feel that all I have done is stand up for myself, I feel that you constantly misconstrue what I say and ignore requests to put things right.

You haven't apologised to me though to be honest, i can't imagine what on earth you think there is to apologise to you for. I think this whole thing is a bizarre construct of your psychology. Actually I think there is something wrong with you. I have made some points about domestic abuse, have said that I agree that men are abused as well as women but that the whole subject is open to more investigation and research and you go on, and on, and on, and on, and on and on, post after post, insisting that in some way you think you are right and I am wrong and I am MYSTIFIED. JUST MYSTIFIED.

You have to explain yourself because all I see is someone who has used an anecdote to bolster their own particularly view that males get abused as well, you have used some anecdote relating to someone you know who is male and who has been abused and somehow you seem to think that I have said something else for which you think I need to apologise to you?

What planet do you live on? I gave NO IDEA what you are on about.

...have no idea... as ever autotext doesn't help.

'Domestic murderers are often likable men – that's how they have been able to abuse women'

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/oct/

'Domestic murderers are often likable men – that's how they have been able to abuse women'

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/oct/10/domestic-murderers-are-often-likable-men-thats-how-they-have-been-able-to-abuse-women?

There are a number of reasons why people stay with an abusive partner. Common ones include:
1) Fear of being unable to cope
2) Partner controls access to money and the abused person has none of their own
3) Inability to get a job
4) Children (a parent can't simply leave with the children, as they could be accused of parental abduction)
5) Pets (many shelters for abuse survivors will not accept animals, and the partner may threaten to harm the animal)
6) Fear (not a theoretical prospect; abuse often escalates when the abused person tries to leave and can become homicidal)

In a book I read that was written by a woman who was a survivor of intimate partner violence by a female partner, she stated that 35-50% of lesbians have been abused by a female partner. That's A LOT of angry women.

Keep in mind that the statistics for abuse of men may be less accurate because men may not report abuse. They may be concerned about being viewed as "wimps", they may be worried that they will be accused of starting the problem (if the abuser is female), or if they are gay, they may be concerned that no one will listen to them. Sadly, there are people who believe that intimate partner violence doesn't occur in gay relationships, or that women can't be abusers. There are abusive men and women who have killed their same-sex partners, and there are abusive women who have killed their male partners.

agnurse I think if you'd read all the thread, you'd realise posters are well aware of the points you make, as though none of has any idea till you came along.
Your comments about same sex partners and female abusers are preaching to the converted in a big way here.

My father was a likeable man - to anyone outside the family. He was handsome, intelligent, well dressed (while his wife and children suffered). I used to get comments like 'oh isn't your dad lovely' and 'Your dad looks so young'. He was a pig. He came from a lovely family. I don't know why he turned out like he did.

My son was abused by his ex wife mostly emotionally and financial but one day she pushed him down the stairs. That was the turning point for him, but there was no help for men in his situation only women.

It solved by divorce but she had a stroke so he stayed in the house to care for the children and it seems to have worked fine, so far. But he could just not get any help at all.

Perhaps men are more violent because they are less resilient and more retaliatory after being abused themselves and they also might be less inclined to talk about it in an effort to put it out of their mind and behind them yet every time they look into their rearview mirror they're once again reminded and become enraged because they didn't deal with the issue properly ..

Horribly long sentence.. Sorry ..

And it's more of a question than a statement .. based on observation ..

notentirelyallhere Thu 10-Oct-19 18:32:01 You simply don't read/understand what I say and you claim I abuse you. It is interesting that another poster who has left and had at least two incarnations used to do exactly the same to me. Say something unpleasant and then suggest they were a victim! It beggars belief. I cannot understand the mentality of saying "used an anecdote to bolster their own particularly view" isn't that what forums are about? Questioning my mentality is abuse, please stop.

agnurse Thu 10-Oct-19 19:14:03 excellent post.

Nothing to do with this thread but you used the word 'wimp' and it was in my book yesterday with a different meaning -

"WIMPs are Weakly Interacting Massive Particles, hypothetical particles which may be the main (or only) component of Dark Matter, a form of matter which emits and absorbs no light and which comprises approx 75% of all mass in the observable universe."

I think that is probably where it comes from. I learn something new every day.

I think you can jolly well stop Nonnie, have you ever considered anyone else's view than your own. Have you just stopped to consider, consider note the word, that your aggressive responses and demanding of apologies for things you cannot clearly explain are on a thread about domestic violence. I think looking inside is a good idea and I've done plenty and it's the reason that I'm not going away and I'm standing up to you.

notentirelyallhere yes, good name.

will not engage on this, you have been very rude, questioned my mental health and I am not even going to report you to GNHQ. I know who you are and you are not worth arguing with because you believe you are always right. I am sad to see this completely unnecessary rant. GN is not the place for personal vendettas.

I'm so glad to hear that because I have several times suggested we just leave it, I even wished you well. You didn't seem able to hear the first or match the second. So Nonnie, and I'll avoid the childish practice of making fun of your name, I'll take it the vendetta is lifted and I can post without fear of reprisal.

And you're not the only one who's thought of reporting posts, perhaps I've already done it.