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Am I such a Rogue?

(3 Posts)
Qinwa Tue 17-Nov-15 01:36:32

I've just joined gransnet to get some answers. I've had a big fall out with my 37 year old daughter 7 months ago which opened a flood gate of resentment for how she was treated by me in her childhood, how I never appreciated or praised her and always critical no matter what she did. Even though I have written to apologise, made amends, she refused to back down, instead she sent me a tape on parenting. She now speaks to me with what she's learned from this parenting tape.

I've tried to be careful what I said but we had another disagreement this week-end and she brought up the old subjects again and her husband also joined in telling me how much I've upset her. My husband and myself looked after their boys since birth 2 days a week and still continue to pick them up from school now once a week. She told me in no uncertain terms that I choose to look after the boys and not to hold her to ransom just because I do.

When we meet our relationship is very superficial. The only time she calls me is when I'm due to have her boys. She does not voluntarily make the effort to keep in touch with my son and his family who also live in the same town. The only contacts between the grandchildren is when I invite both children to our family gathering or when my son invites them to their place. They have a one year old baby who hardly saw her aunty. My son does not feel as close to her as he is to his wife's siblings.

I feel totally demoralised being told repeatedly what I had done to her in her childhood. I don't know what else she wanted from me. I've offered to go for some counselling with her but she said she's OK. I'm now considering having counselling myself because I feel unable to give anymore. I would appreciate thoughts and comments from you lovely people. Please try not to bash me as I feel very low and if I can I would like to be relieved of my duty as a 'mum' but not 'nana' as I love my grandchildren. sad

Maggiemaybe Tue 17-Nov-15 19:27:04

Of course we can never know the full facts of any family disagreement, Qinwa, and only know your side of this one, but I hope you'll find help and support on Gransnet from others with experience of family situations like yours. From what you've said I would say that your daughter is very much a grown up, and shouldn't be letting what seem on the surface to be petty complaints from the past ruin your relationship. I'm sure if my children were comparing my parenting to that on any modern tape, I'd be found wanting! Good luck to you, and I hope you manage to heal the relationship. flowers

Qinwa Tue 17-Nov-15 23:37:44

Thank you to all you lovely people for your kind comments. I woke up this morning feeling positive having had the opportunity to let off steam in writing. It is uplifting and helpful reading all your comments. Last night I felt like distancing myself from my daughter, but today I decided life is too short to let this ruin my relationship with her. The many helpful advice has given me the impetus to arrange to meet with her on our own without the children so we can talk. I will bear in mind the comments about not apologizing again.

My mother brought up 3 children on her own having been abandoned by my father. She was self sacrificing and always on hand to help but I remember when she was getting older and unable to help as much there was a sense of loss and resentment on my part for the role reversal with me being the parent and she the child. As our children get older and become parents themselves I assume some adopt the parental role with their own parents, telling them off as we did when they were children. I am not decrepit yet so not quite ready to be treated as a child. Wish me luck. Again thank you all for your supportive comments. grin