Help with a friend who has dementia

Dig out some photo albums. It's very sad to lose friends this way.

My school friend has had dementia for four years we usually meet up once a month for a lunch and I make sure she gets back to her husband... he recently rang me to see if I would be with her tomorrow evening as he has to go to a meeting and is getting worried about leaving her for the two hours as she is now starting to get out locking the door behind her but doesn't really know where she's going or how to get back in
I ve asked for him to drop her off at my house as I don't know her house or the heating or turning on or off of anything so feel it will be better at mine I ve got a school photo album and lots of other albums she might recognise or might not We ll have the Tv on in the back ground in case there's any blank moments some cup s of coffee and chat which she won't remember I hope she ll settle and not want to go after him Poor lady it's starting to get hard for him I don't really know him that well but he seems to be doing a caring job
with your friend just chat away about anything and everything lots of cups of tea or coffeee and photos
She still your friend

Sometimes it is better to talk about past events , my OH got very confused yesterday with everyone talking about London , so today I have kept the TV off or played recordings of old programmes he enjoyed . Photo albums are a great idea , you will probably get sick of the same thing over and over , but to the confused it is all new every time

What about a dvd of a film that she has enjoyed in the past? It may evoke pleasant memories for her, but even if it doesn't, she would probably enjoy it. If nothing else, it may help you pass the time with her more easily.

I agree with aggie, photos and chat about old times. It may be repetitive but your friend will be happy. Tea and cake is good too. Don't forget you are helping her husband as well, he is getting some down time. Play it by ear and don't disagree with her just move the conversation on. You will probably need to use distraction techniques if she feels its time to go before her husband arrives. I have recently helped out in the same way, it will be easier the next time as you know what to expect.

Thanks a lot. I thought I had shown the photos too often but obviously things can be repeated. Her husband is the problem as althoough I know him very well he will not discuss her case with me. She is often in pain when walking and he undertskes nothing, no painrelief nor Physio.
When her GD got married I had to tell him to take her to the hairdresser - with one day to go she looked such a mess. Later he thanked me but I felt I had overstepped the mark. Its not knowing where I am with this family.....
there seems to be no chance of her running aay. She is becoming a real couch potato and does no more housework. He does it all.

You might find "Contented Dementia" by Oliver James helpful. I heard him on the radio a while ago and what he said made such sense to me. I think it might give you some ideas for the times you spend with your friend as well as explaining what is happening to her.

Have a look at Alzheimer's Society website here for help and suggestions. Maybe get them to send you some leaflets that you could give her husband. Music is also good as well as old photos - Age UK have a radio station called The Wireless which plays music of previous eras. Well done for trying to help your friend

Margaretx, you can never show someone with Dementia something too often as sadly they probably will not remember that you have shown that to them before, but hopefully whenever you show your friend the photos it will bring back happy memories for her,
I visit care homes where most residents have Dementia, i and my dog are registered to visit, i love the connection residents have with my dog, they will often chat about dogs they have owned in the past , many will ask me over and over again during my visit , "what is his name/age and all about his life" , i dont mind the repeated questions its part of Dementia. i hope your friend gets some help as i do for all with Dementia and their carers .x

I think your friend's husband may be feeling out of his depth and trying to cope without thinking about details too much.

Could you say something like " Mary's knees seem to be very sore today. Does she get anything from the doctor for them?" And that might lead to a chat about it.

It's a sad situation for everyone involved and I can only agree with the suggestions already offered.

another thought. , my hairdresser comes to our house to cut OHs hair , could you suggest that ? If she came while you were there it could give you something else to. talk about

One thing from my time with my aunt, it's usually best not to ask questions, as they're just confusing and could make her feel bad. It's all about being safe. She used to love going to a local garden centre and seeing the flowers and watching the children. Sometimes staying with what you can see around you right now can be good.

My mother in law had dementia and my husband and father in law found the worst time was when she became aggressive towards them and no longer knew who they were. Lots of good ideas here, music is excellent, photos too. A knitting group here were making twiddle muffs for dementia patients as they need to have something to hold and fiddle with. My MiL used to empty her handbag and put everything back again repeatedly! I think it is the cruellest illness that there is.

MargaretX dementia is so hard, it must be very difficult for your friends husband. has she had a diagnosis? depending on the stage she is at photos, chat and perhaps music which your friend may relate to, may help. later on physical touch is important, perhaps you could paint her nails, hand massage, that sort of thing and dont worry about repeating things.

What would help the most is to keep up your contact because coming from one who knows, most friendships fall by the wayside once this dreadful disease takes hold.

i was helped greatly by the many information leaflets (also online) from Alzheimers Society who have a telephone helpline for advice. Is there something similar in Germany?

want to mention that people in the mid/ later stages can sometimes lose their adopted language and revert to their native tongue. my German born mum, despite 65 years in the uk and fluent English lost it all in very short time. It was a total shock.

Good luck and however hard sometimes, and it is, be a good friend if you can. She does need you, and so does her husband who is probably only just coming to terms with it.

Yes great ideas
My friend has dementia. I miss the outings we used to have but that's life
My D.H. comes with me too and we take her out for lunch
Best to stick to the same few places she knows. D.H. is good at laughing and joking with her
We don't ask any questions and talk about old times although she is beginning to forget those too. I sometimes just chatter on about the kids as she doesn't initiate conversation any more. She has accepted now that she has memory problems. Sad to see an old friend slowly disappearing before your eyes.

MargaretX, the past is the place dementia sufferers seems to feel happiest/safest. I don't think it matters how often the same thing gets talked about, she won't remember and you're doing your best to make a happy time for her. Maybe you could offer to take her to the hairdresser sometimes? Or just casually mention she seems to be having a bit of pain. Her husband will be struggling so much with it all. My husband's closest friend has dementia and his wife finds it all so hard - she has lost her devoted husband and in his place has a complete stranger who doesn't even know who she is. You're doing your best for your friend and her husband.

When people first have dementia they are better off staying in the place they are used to. Anywhere else just confuses them. When they get really bad it doesn't really matter where they are because they do not retain memories any longer. They confuse people with someone else, they often think they are speaking to people who are long dead. It comes with the illness. The people they were disappear and they become someone else themselves. I think when they are in the first stages a photo album is ok, but as they reach the last stages it just confuses them more so best left in the cupboard. Talk to them about general things, flowers in the garden, birds in the trees, find out what they like doing and do that, it might be sticking stamps in an album or something like that. They will not however stick them in the right places so don't expect that. Make allowances, if they forget or repeat things don't get annoyed with them they cannot help it. Most of all do not leave things such as matches or cigarettes around because they could set the house on fire. Don't leave them with boiling pans or open fires. Don't let them near a gas fire. All practical but essential things to remember NOT to do. Let them do their knitting even if they end up with a tangled mess. They will probably want to sleep a lot but as long as someone is with them that is fine.

I have had 3 family members with dementia. It is depressing to see the person you love disappear, but be ready for it. Make sure they take their medicine, and also that they eat something because they will forget. When they get too weak or even aggressive, that is the time to start looking for specialist help because it is impossible to carry on, on your own, without nursing care in the latter stages. Don't get upset at hurtful things they might say because they do not know how hurtful they are being. Just be there for them because they will not be with you for much longer.

It is very hard, I know, I have been there myself 3 times.

This is a very useful thread for me personally as my OH has just had his diagnosis of vascular dementia. We are at the stage of forgetting present things but still remembering events from years ago. The repetitive questions are hard to take but I just reply as if he has asked for the first time. I am learning too but the future does worry me and the rest of the family. Best wishes for all those caring for dementia sufferers.

I know just how difficult this can be. I have friends in the same situation and I find it difficult to see how to help. My very intelligent friend was diagnosed at a young age and is getting progressively worse. She seems to recognise our faces but rarely uses a name. It is difficult to make conversation as she is 99% unaware of what's going on. I would love to help more as her husband seems to be out of his depth but, because he loves her so much, he is reluctant to seek much help. Some of the advice offered here is invaluable . The important thing to remember, it seems, is that everything is new to the dementia sufferer, so you are NOT boring them by having the same simple conversations or showing the same photos. I am encouraged to make more effort without the need to feel 'rewarded'. I am sure every little helps.

MargaretX , my mother had dementia. Something to keep her hands busy was very useful - I dug out lots of table napkins, or paper towels and asked her to 'help' me fold them (I could just keep recycling them into the to do pile). I also found some old photos on Google of her home town from when she was a girl, and showed her them on an iPad *. She chatted for ages about which shop was next to Boots and where her mum bought her school uniform etc.
As to music - old-fashioned hymns were really popular as background music, because they were so ingrained into her memory. She loved to sing along.
*By the way, if she has difficulty remembering not to touch the iPad screen, there is a work around by turning on Guided Access. Go to Settings > General > Accessibility > Guided Access. When you triple-click the home button in any app you can circle any area (including the whole screen) that you don't want to be activated on touch. This can include the Home button. It's great for giving the iPad to children or anyone else safe in the knowledge that they can touch the screen as much as they like and it will stay in the app.

I think that dementia is very difficult to cope with and it's a very cruel condition. My MIL has this to some extent. As her eyesight has badly deteriorated looking at photo albums is a waste of time as she can't see them well enough. There is a huge dislike of the radio.
She firmly insists that she has no interest in the past but sadly she doesn't care about the future either. Many questions are answered with, "Oh I don't know", or "I can't remember" and even, "Why are you asking me so many questions?"
It's difficult, people have often said to me that I must have a lot of patience BUT sometimes I snap back at her. To see a friend with dementia must be doubly difficult.

beige cardigan it sounds like your mil is a little depressed. I know it is frustrating and easy to be short at times . at the outset of mums dementia when i hadnt realised what was happening to her i am sorry to say i was impatient at times until i learned her behaviour was not attention seeking but her fear of what was happening to her.

my friend (now 53) was diagnosed about 18months ago. Sadly I live a 2hour drive from her now so don't see her as often as I would like. It's lovely when we have days where she chats away about all sorts but the days when she seems to struggle to find her words are sad. It feels like she is fading away as each month goes by. As mentioned photo albums seem to be popular, she shows me the same album every time I visit but I never tell her I've seen it before.

Please Google "compassionate communication dementia"which gives really good advice. Don't ask a dementia sufferer ANY questions even those like "have you had any lunch? or "what would you like to eat?" As they don't know the answer at best it makes them embarrassed and at worse aggressive. Many so called professional carers just don't understand this. It took me a long time to get this with my Mum and until I did I made her life unhappy for quite a while as a result.
Dementia sufferers do remember emotions but not why they felt them so if you start to snap at them from your own anger and frustration it can really affect them. As others have said be prepared to repeat over and over what has just been said but eventually you get used to it and it becomes second nature.
For your friend as a lost sense of smell and taste is often one of the early stages be prepared to try different foods and textures to tempt her to eat. Films and TV programmes are impossible to follow as with dementia you can't remember the plot. Encourage things that give a sense of agency or control. My Mum liked to shop even in the later stages and bought dozens and dozens of teddy bears and other items for herself in charity shops. She enjoyed choosing and handing over the money and the kindly way the charity shop staff treated her. Outings for afternoon tea are good but take a cushion if she is losing weight. Bizarrely almost right to the end when Mum could no longer recognise us and was totally bed bound she could still read out loud so she enjoyed looking at a glossy magazine on interiors together and discussing whether she liked the things shown or not. Animals, pets etc are also a great topic of conversation although be careful as it can trigger sad emotions in the dementia sufferer from the death of a pet often decades ago. They can grieve all over again. Do food preparation together although your friend will no longer be able to cook a meal her hands will remember how to grate a carrot and so on. The folding napkins is a great idea I wish I had thought of that for my Mum.