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Daughter and I Quarrel As I Am Being Compared to My Sister

(8 Posts)
pharr Tue 15-Jan-19 12:40:32

I will try to be brief. I have one younger sister who has an adult daughter with 4 children living with she and her husband. The daughter is a recovering drug addict. I also have an adult daughter with two young boys who I adore. They live down the road, so we have been close and used to talk every day. The past couple of years, my sister has started texting and asking my daughter to do different activities, since her daughter is "out of comission". This would normally be fine, but my sister no longer asks me on these outings, but will send me long messages afterwards telling me all about it. Long-story-short, this has created tension between my daughter and I and we are currently not speaking. My sister has always been passive-aggressive and, I feel, likes to hurt me on purpose. When I question my daughter about it, she just says "Mom, I don't know why she doesn't invite you." I am currently trying to keep my distance from both of them, but I miss my sweet little grandsons. My daughter has recently begun to argue with me and say horrible things and I have been told by friends to stay away from her. This is distressing me horribly. Does anyone else have a similar situation, or any advice they can give me on how to deal with this? Thank you. I am getting sick over this.

Bridgeit Tue 15-Jan-19 13:46:23

Can you see your daughter & Grandchildren on your own as you did before? .
If your sister is seeing your daughter daily , I suspect that will change at some point.
Try not to argue or talk about it , keep neutral for now& give yourself a time scale to see if things improve, if not then speak to your daughter again but don’t argue, just tell her how much you miss them. Reassure her you are there any time . Don’t say anything about your sister, even going as far as to pretend you have no idea they see each other so wishes

pharr Tue 15-Jan-19 21:45:03

Thank you Bridgeit for your quick response! The only way I can see my grandsons is through my daughter, since they are 3 and 6. Since she is not speaking to me, it makes it difficult to arrange times, etc. I should also add that this is not the first time this has happened. But, yes, you are right, I never mention anything about her seeing my sister. Admittedly, I goofed and did say something when this argument occurred, just saying "it hurt my feelings" that I was left out of a gathering that included my sister, her daughter (which is rare!) and my daughter. It was a mistake on my part, but sometimes emotions get the best of us and I had to say something as I have been holding my tongue for a year! But, yes, you are right. I will no longer say anything about my sister, but as she won't speak to me, that is pretty easy to do lol! She said some awful and hurtful things that I did not deserve. My husband is very upset also and will not even respond to her text messages. Basically, she is your basic "entitled" millennial and feels that I should be exactly like my sister, insofar that I should want her boys (who I love dearly, but they are a handful) almost daily since my sister has her grandchildren and constantly tells me "Your sister would do it". I just get tired of the constant comparison. My sister is very easy-going to the point of being a doormat, while I admittedly am more of a planner and scheduler. I also have an auto-immune condition, which makes any plans we might make sometimes unpredictable, although I usually power through and smile, like a good mother lol! I just almost feel like they have ganged up on me and it has hurt me that the two women I am closest to in the whole world would treat me this way and I feel powerless. Thank you so much for your kind words of advice. It feels good just to know someone cares enough to try to help me with this. As I said, it is somewhat complicated. Thank you!

Bridgeit Tue 15-Jan-19 22:15:55

I am sorry to read more details of their behaviour, and thank you for your appreciative reply.
To some extent I know what it is like to constantly feel that you have caused offence etc, when you know that you haven’t.
It was once pointed out to me that we can’t change others behaviour only our own. So doing you’re own thing & distracting yourself from thinking about the situation as much as possible may help somewhat, never easy, more a case of using coping strategies to dull the sad feelings. You can do it 👍🙂

pharr Wed 16-Jan-19 00:08:27

Thanks again. You have given me wonderful advice. I am praying about it and hope for the best! It is true that we can only change our own behaviour--that is why I am thinking of seeing a therapist to help me see exactly what I am doing wrong in this situation, since it is hard to see what an outsider might see that I'm missing.

BradfordLass72 Wed 16-Jan-19 01:20:05

Pharr although it's easy for us to think we're in the wrong when stuff like this happens, from what you say above, I don't think you are.

Seeing a therapist is a good idea if you get a perceptive one.

I have a feeling it would do you good just to pull back for a short while, have a total break from them all and this stressful situation, especially as you have a health problem.
Prayer can be so comforting flowers

absent Wed 16-Jan-19 01:32:20

My sister, with no children of her own, tried to take control of my daughter and freeze me out when she was quite a young girl. Do not listen to your "friends" and do not stay away from your daughter. In my experience, as both, the connection between mother and daughter is unique and hugely special. If you sister does not want you to be part of or is scared of your being part of whatever she is doing, then don't worry about it. Just keep the lines open with your daughter – your sister has no rights over her but it sounds as if she is being manipulative. Be open, be loving, be Mum!

pharr Wed 16-Jan-19 16:24:27

Absent, yes, I do believe my sister is being somewhat manipulative, even though I don't know if she is doing it purposefully, as she has a lot of issues. I try to give people the benefit of a doubt. But, yes, Absent and BradfordLass72, I will try to pull back from her for a while. I have to. Thank you all for being so kind and helpful. These boards have the most wonderful people on them! Yes, BradfordLass72, I have had many prayers regarding relationships answered in the past, so I will keep on praying! God Bless all of you!