Daughter refusing all contact with me.

A person who sits at home all day watching tv etc could be s person with severe depression

You ask what else can you do. I think the solution is relatively simple: you change your wills so that your daughter is totally ignored, which seems to be well deserved. Then you write to her to say that in the light of her comments and those of her husband (!!) you have reflected long and hard on how best to arrange your wills and you have decided to make changes that will reflect your true feelings. Then your daughter might just change her attitude, though that's doubtful. If she does change then you can change your will again to include her but otherwise your far more deserving son and his family will take 100% and be so grateful to his loving parents.

How sad for you. We all say things we regret but for someone to hold a grudge for 17 years is very immature I think. I’d send a letter telling her you are sorry it’s come to this but you will always be around if she needs you and then leave it at that. I feel the more you beg forgiveness of her the more pleasure she will take in hurting you by not doing so. (Not that you have done anything to be forgiven for). For the sake of your own health I would then try to just move on and put all this behind you. Maybe one day in the future she will come round. Stranger things have happened. I wish you well and take care of your own health and wellbeing. X

What is DD and DS? I can't understand the posts without knowing what these abbreviations stand for?
I am really sorry that you have had to endure such despicable behaviour. Money is the root of all evil, I know this from experience. You must be kind to yourself. Get time will come and she'll look back when someone does this to her. Some people are just such hateful characters. I think you've kept your cool and you're a good person.

Joyfulnanna, DD stands for Dear or Darling Daughter and DS for Dear or Darling Son. If you look under the GRANSNET FORUMS title you will see the link for acronyms which will interpret these posts for you! I know they are tiresome to begin with but a godsend for somebody typing on a post of a phone.

I am sorry you are having this problem. It is more common than you think. They may be blaming you for their inadequacies. You have to let them get on with it. It is not your fault so don't beat yourself up. They would soon contact you if they needed a kidney.

I have had no contact with my DS in 5 years. He and his wife live with her mother, Every Christmas she sends me a card. I think it is rubbing it in. The only reason I can think of is money: I have none to spare.

notanan2. I would say it about any person male or female who behaved in the way this man behaves. He is not a performing a "housewife" role! He does not earn any money or pay any of the bills in the house. He does not do any housework. He does not do the food or domestic shopping. He does to do the cooking. He has used his partner's credit card without her knowledge or permission and run up a bill so that she did two jobs working 7 days a week as well as the house work, shopping, cooking, etc. He does nothing towards the house, she pays the bills including the mortgage. He lives there for nothing, doing nothing. That is not what a housewife does. He is a parasite.

muffinthemoo. Wise words. I agree with you! (Not for the first time!)

Anniebach
"could be a person with severe depression"
The aggressive behaviour, the holding a 17 year grudge, the never saying he has mental health problems when he knows his partner's brother does, the phoning her relatives to spread nasty lies about her parents...
In my experience of my Psychology career there is a lot here pointing at another disorder. But we cannot diagnose. We can however observe the history of cruel and selfish behaviour, the lying, the making his Partner do two jobs plus all the house work and cooking, the using her credit card behind her back etc. These kind of nasty behaviours are extremely suggestive of a personality that will not change and will not come round by sending apologetic letters, or including him, or "always keeping the door open for him" and all the other suggestions that people are making which will simply make jennymolly much more vulnerable and open to manipulation. There is only one way to survive these people; Total non contact. I hope her daughter escapes.

Tilly when you were practising as a .psycologist did you make a diagnosis just from reading a letter ?

llizzie2. I am so very sorry about what you have been through.

I admire you very much. You have come to terms with the ugly fact that such people exist, that they can inveigle our own children into their world and that there is nothing we can do except make a life for ourselves and look after our own safety and our own mental health.

You are a gem! You have found humour in the darkest of situations. I really do think you are wonderful!

Anniebach. Re-read what I wrote.
You will see that I did not "diagnose". Not at all.

It is so tedious when people want to sound clever and pounce, accusing of something that, had they bothered to read the text properly, they would see was the opposite of what they declare has been said.

tilly I am not trying to ‘be clever’.

I was troubled you called the man a parasite, wicked, you strongly suspect he is ‘a malignant narcissist with psychopathic tendencies ‘ .

Your choice to express your views, my choice to say ‘you do not know because you do not know the man ‘,

I am so sorry for jenny , I hope there can be a reconciliation

@Anniebach

That's right, I said;
"suspect". That has nothing whatsoever to do with "diagnose".

We are all giving our views here, or would you prefer that the thread only gave yours? There would be little point in anyone posting their letter to GransNet if we did not respond with our views would there? My view of this situation is what I stated, saying that as far as I could tell this is what I suspect. What I think may be involved in the situation is relevant to how one would deal with the situation. You do not agree, apparently. That is fine.

But instead of going to the text and quoting what the OP says to back up your opposing view, you decide to attack me personally by misquoting what I have written and in so doing, implying sarcastically that I am being unprofessional. Which I am not.

People write in to ask our views. I gave my impressions and tried to give help in a constructive way in the circumstances as I could best interpret them.

I also feel extremely upset for jennymolly. I think everybody here feels terribly sad for her. I have suggested a way she might reach her daughter, and said why she may not be getting any response at this time. I do hope she and her daughter do get in touch soon. I think her daughter has been, for want of a better expression, "brainwashed" by the attitudes of a very unpleasant man and has lost sight of her own rights. It is very strange that she puts up with the conditions she is living under with this man; doing two jobs to pay off debts he secretly ran up on her card, doing the housework and cooking even though she is out at work and he is at home all the time doing no work, paying every bill because he provides nothing towards his keep... It is like being a slave kept to finance him and do all his bidding. He seems to have a hold over her that the vast majority of women would never agree to. There have been no explanations as to why they live like this. I suspect this daughter is extremely unhappy yet believes she has to live like this. It is not an isolated example of a man forcing a woman to keep him and do all the work and making sure she is not in contact with her family. What he is doing, is actually against the law. If he is ill and cannot work then he would be entitled to Benefits. But apparently he does not get this and does not contribute anything towards his keep, not even doing some household chores.

I most certaintly will not use other people’s pain to discuss this with you tilly

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Anniebach
I think I have the right to defend what I said, because I have been accused of having a view which has been disparaged by the words "‘you do not know because you do not know the man"

I said that I spoke only about the situation which jennymolly described, in which she extensively described what the man does and says. I carefully read her description of the man her DD is with, in her original post and in further posts she made.
I think it is helpful if we remember the kind of person jennymolly has described. People are asking her to try and befriend him, keep the door open, always invite him etc. My experience led me to talk about what kind of person he is based upon the considerable amount of information we have here about how he behaves and has done so over many years, for example in the thread Jenny wrote: her
"daughter had found out that her partner was running up bills on her card and hiding the receipts etc. They were getting in debt because of his secret spending and our daughter was working 7 days a week to pay off HIS debts. Also she was doing all the shopping cleaning cooking etc whilst he did nothing" I felt he was not the kind of person who would respond to a friendly invitation. Indeed, there could be a good chance that he would abuse it. I do believe he is a wicked and controlling man who has kept Jenny's DD away from her family and kept her against her family. I find it very odd that the daughter tolerates his behaviour and accepts the conditions she has to live in. I think he has got a hold over her. This does happen. We know about the leaders of Cults being able to completely control people but we never hear about the individual people that are kept like slaves by controlling and coercive men. (Usually they are male). I fear this could be the situation because Jenny's daughter's life is so very drab.

I give my view based on the information jennymolly has given and she has not objected. He is a very horrible man, and while her daughter is under his control, I do not think it will be likely she will be able to connect with her. I have suggested a means of trying, by writing to her at her workplace in the hopes her daughter will not show this man the communication. I do not think trying to act as if he is a normal person with normal morals and feelings and constantly including him in all invitations etc will get Jenny and her husband anywhere. Indeed I would expect it to backfire.
I made it clear that my interest here is in how to help jennymolly cope in a horrible situation, using the information she has kindly entrusted to us.

However, when a respondent misquotes me or says something completely wrong about me, I do feel I should at least have the right to point out the truth about what I sad and about how I gain and use information.

jennymolly Just out of interest, have you ever noticed if your DD's partner ever shows regret or remorse when he hurts her or does anything that causes her pain or inconvenience? Was he, I wonder, sorry that he ran up a debt on her card behind her back and that she has to have two jobs to pay off the debts? It gives an interesting insight into his way of thinking if you have noticed whether he feels remorse for doing something that hurts another person, especially your DD.

I would try and make your own life as good as you can. Sadly we just can't control our adult children, I know only too well that mine seem so different now. Actually I hear a lot of my friends say how different their children's generation's outlooks are from us. I wouldn't really know, but they do have a tougher time I think. I think friends in our own age group are usually more understanding and supportive for us. My children are just so extraordinarily busy! Please treat your self and your husband. Do special things whenever you can. Afternoon tea? Buy flowers.... Thankfully the weather is brightening up and it should start to be warm enough to sit outside fairly soon.. (fingers crossed). Oh! And if you can, do what was suggested earlier - spend the inheritance!!! Get Equity Release if you can!!
Lots of love Tea Elle x

Jennymolly
So very sorry, you must be devastated. Can your DH or other mutual family member speak to your AC. Find someone that they respect. Best wishes

Joyfulnana

I wouldn't advocate going down that route. I've actually been in that position before. As you may or may not know, my sister and BIL are estranged from my parents. This is actually the second time they've been estranged. The first time, I acted as a go-between of sorts for them. It wasn't a position I enjoyed. I was hearing their concerns about her from one end and her concerns about them from the other. This time around I told my parents I wasn't doing that again and they understood.

Getting someone else involved is likely to make them feel their parents and the mediators are ganging up on them, and it will be uncomfortable for the mediators.