7 year old grandson, recently lost mother, refuses to learn to read and write

Callistemom: We live 8,000 miles away. We will be going in October. We were there literally after the death of his mother. When we were there I encouraged him to paint and draw and actually his pictures were pretty happy. Seeing photos of him and speaking to him 'live' on Skype and WhatsApp, he still appears to be pretty happy but obviously it's difficult to know when we aren't with him 24x7. Unfortunately they live in a Third World country where social services, although they try hard, are not the same as in the First World and where bereavement counselling an total understanding of children's emotional needs are not fully understood - in the 'Western' tradition.

The poor little mite , all he is need of is cuddles, love, and reassurance at the moment . I know schools are different in other parts of the world but surely they know a grieving distressed child.

Wild - support (in the form of specialist counselling) is very helpful for children going through something as traumatic as this. It's not something to be worried about, nor should it only kick in if there are difficulties.

I wouldn't worry about him not wanting to learn how to read and write. Many of us in adulthood who lose people we love dearly aren't particularly interested in learning new skills 12 weeks after they've died. Multiple that by 1000 and you're probably around the point at which this little boy is in terms of wanting to read and write.

Coud it justbe possible that he is behaving like a lot of six and seven year old boys - just can't be arsed to learn to read and write?

I think the extra lessons might not have been a good idea. Too much pressure. He could be simply be put off. Or even rebelling a little bit. I would just let him go into lessons with the other children in his class and let the Spanish reading and writing progress as it will.

Tell the school to take it a bit easy with him.

If he is playing happily with his Spanish speaking friends, why should he need counselling?

Children are very resillient. I don't think he needs adult interference from outsiders.

Because playing happily with your friends at 7 isn't the same as coping long term with the death of your mum as a young child.

Worth a shot, isn't it? I'd rather offer it and have it not needed then for the wee mite to suffer in the future.

Actually, children aren't as resilient as you might think. Google ACEs.

Yes, he might have stuff to deal with in later life. A lot of people do. But messing about with his mind now will not help.

He's seven years old. Let him play his way out of it.

Specialist counselling isn't messing with minds, it's important to understand that - and interestingly, play is often a feature of support that children receive from CAMHS.

The little boy sounds fine to me. Bye.

Thanks RoMO I misunderstood. Do you speak Spanish?

Perhaps Dad could simply do the bedtime reading and point at each word as he read. It is a great way to get a child to know that words are the same in print as when read out and he may subconsciously start to realise he is reading.

We don't know what is going on in his mind, he could think that anything could go away and leave him so have lost trust in everything. There are lots of little things which can be done to encourage him to look and learn without being 'taught' anything, not just words. Pointing out Road signs and discussing what they mean, telling him things along the road side. I think we probably all knew the word Kellog before we could read. Perhaps just engaging him in more things would help him want to learn. I'm not a teacher or psychologist so could be completely wrong but can't see that it would do any harm.

Perhaps he is worried he might lose his Dad as well? I wonder how Dad is coping? That might affect the little chap too. So many things could be going on in his mind which he can't articulate. Very hard.

Bereavement counselling/support is not interfering with what is a natural process ...it is helping someone to go through that process in a healthy way so that they can live well with their loss! 12 months time, damage can be done if a child is not helped to deal with their absolutely right emotions ..and for a little boy being put under pressure at school, it is even more important!!

Try to get the boy's father to find another school that has a more understanding approach to a child who has just lost his mother.

Am I right that his mother spoke English with him?
If so the child is refusing to read and write Spanish in order to feel closer to his mother. He doesn't realise this, but the adults around him need to.

If they continue to live in South America, he will learn to read and write Spanish, sooner or later, but pushing him now will only make his resistance to the language worse and probably result in other problems, like bed-wetting, stammering, you name it.

Is there any grief counselling available for the children? Probably their father would benefit from it too.

I am dreadfully sorry for your loss, all of you, was the child's mother your daughter or daughter-in-law? Please let us know, how the family progresses.

I m unsure of your relationship in this ? is the father your son? Or was the mother your daughter?? you don’t speak as if either are !
I totally disagree with gonegirl let him play his way out if it what a stupid thing to say A child has the most traumatic event in his life you could imagine and you think he can play his way out of it What planet are you on

Being read to is so important so I hope his father can find the time to do that.

Reading to him is the best way to get him interested in written words, books with pictures that are fun and a bit repetitive. I presume that some good English books have been translated into Spanish.

Boys are often more disinclined to learn to read and write at that age and he may not need that added pressure from the school just at the moment.
Encouraging a love of books could be the key.


I'm sorry for your loss and wish you all the best when you go to see them again.

Three months is a short time to expect a seven-year-old child to oversome his grief – if anyone, whether adult or child, actually ever overcomes their grief when the most important person in their lives dies. Reading to him rather than expecting him to read would probably be a good idea, but right now the school curriculum is almost certainly more than he can bear to focus on.

If the family is Catholic – not uncommon in South America – his mother will almost certianly be buried rather than cremated. If she is, then taking him to her grave to make her a special garden – planting ground-cover flowers and decorating it with pretty stones and shells – is a way of helping a child say "goodbye".

I recall going through a stage round about seven when I used lie awake at night worrying about my parents dying. It is very possible that there is an unspoken fear that his father will die too, which, of course, he eventually will, but probably not while your grandson is still a child. Perhaps some gentle questioning about his fears and a gentle but strightforward conversation about death might clear some distress and confusion in his mind. After all, it not uncommon for children whose mother/father/sibling has died to think that somehow it is her/his fault.

Bluebelle: My son is his father. His mother was from South America. My son reads to him every night and makes up stories.

Absent: She was buried and they have visited her grave a number of times. It's interesting what you say about him being worried that his father may die too... It's something to think about when we are there and speaking to him gently about. It's very difficult to bring up the subject unless it's something he wants to speak about. At the moment he appears to be 'ok' but we are not there... My son is very pro-active with both the children and always has been.

grandtante: Many thanks for your kind words. Actually the school itself if probably the best for him, in the long run. Liberal arts (difficult to find where they live) and generally 'holistic' but in this case... not so much. His mother was Spanish speaking but didn't really 'engage' with the children and unfortunately spoke very little with them.

It may be that there is a combination of the mother not "engaging" with the children and a child's fear that as a result his mother's death is somehow his fault. If so, he will be feeling particularly bad, with guilt added to the grief.

Poor, brave little boy! Could your son possibly get some kind motherly woman to come in and cuddle him and tell him simple stories?

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