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Whinging kinda tongue in cheek

(49 Posts)
TerryM Sun 01-Sep-19 07:41:18

Love my husband but he has been retired a month now and my whole routine is gone sad
Most articles and information say give a person a year to adjust but what about me ??
My laundry was five days in arrears, my kitchen (which he very kindly said he would deal with as he does most of the cooking always has done ) just looks .....dreadful
The dog (flipping rotten bane of my existence ) peed twice in the house today !!!! Then promptly decided to eat one of my brand new cushion cover.
Oohhh and I am on a restricted diet for a procedure at the end of the week (yep getting older ) and I have worked out I just don't like being told what I can and can't have.
Should I point out I can have chocolate lol
Just to allay concerns my dog is amazing and very much spoilt and loved....just he picked the wrong day to be ..annoying.
I asked my husband this morning "will you survive the next few days ?" " Oh yes of course " was the reply in a very light tone.
I don't think he is going to last the night ooops

Sara65 Wed 04-Sep-19 09:37:55

I’m hoping we’ll be alright when the time comes, we’ve been working together for over forty years, so we’re used to each other’s company.

But time will tell, may be totally different when we’ve got time on our hands

BradfordLass72 Wed 04-Sep-19 02:05:41

If a couple haven't planned, well in advance, for his retirement then like any other seriously life-changing event, it becomes a problem they often don't know how to solve.

I have heard many people, longing for retirement, saying how great it will be that they'll have all the leisure time in the world to do the things they love and/or have promised.

What they haven't bargained for is the huge psychological shift which makes them feel as if they are no longer a useful part of the community or society.

Previously, they had a purpose - and to prove it, were paid for their expertise.
Now they don't - and leisure pursuits, however much you enjoy them, often pall after a while.

Low-grade depression can set in and all he wants to do is sit in front of the telly.
He's irritable when she tries to jolly him out of it or suggest things he might do because how can she give him back, or find any useful substitute for what he's lost?

Retirement impacts greatly on a man's pride and his sense of being in charge of his life and even being able to provide for his wife and family. These things are deeply ingrained even in men who have working wives.

Pension may be just fine but compared to a wage you've earned, it can feel like a hand-out.

And of course, now he has to accept he is getting old> A word often synonymous with 'useless'.

It helps if he has a supportive spouse and with whom he can do things, such as travel or hobbies - but if not and he's made to feel in the way even at home, where's his refuge?

And to add insult to injury, his wife still has her place in the world. For her, little has changed, except maybe her irritability levels when she finds him under her feet all the time.

She still feels useful, women never run out of things to do and are often long-time members of clubs and societies he's never had time or inclination for.

If she's still working, then he's left alone all day and if they've followed the pattern of so many marriages, never learned how to cook, clean iron, or in any way take care of himself.

Inevitably he feels further emasculated but if he gives it a go and makes a mess of things, he has to handle all the repercussions when she comes home and he's used all the pans and most of the crockery to make scrambled eggs and toast. And of course he hasn't washed up because that's something she always does, so it never occurs to him.

I was once called in to help an elderly man who hadn't eaten any fresh food, or done any shopping since his wife died over a month before.

He had systematically eaten through all the tinned and packet stuff in the pantry, except the dry goods which he had no idea how to prepare and couldn't see the instructon anyway.

He didn't know how or where to buy fresh or even access money to do so.
When I asked him why he hadn't gone to the shop he said, 'I wouldn't know what to do when I got there, she did all that ."

That's one of the saddest sentences I ever heard. Sixty years of "doing all that" had deprived him of so much more than her presence when she died.

TrendyNannie6 Tue 03-Sep-19 15:42:53

I can’t wait for my husband to retire to be honest , my heart goes out to the above ladies who have lost their husbands and count your blessings you others who still have your husbands even though they might get under your feet

PennyWhistle Tue 03-Sep-19 13:43:45

Thanks for the smiles whilst I read this discussion.

My own DH works part time with the intention of completing renovation of our new home. We thought it made sense for me to carry on working to pay for said renovations.

Does that mean when I do retire my DH will be frustrated at my interference in housework matters 😁

Calpurnia Tue 03-Sep-19 06:58:09

I have a little sign in my kitchen.....”A retired husband is a wife’s full time job”.......

I overheard two “older” ladies talking while they enjoyed a coffee together. One lady said to the other.....”don’t you just wish you could give him the money to go to the pictures.”

I know the feeling and expect lots of other wives do too.

I think a lot of the problem is that many men do not have any interests outside of going to work so do not have anything to do when they retire...... apart from getting under their wife’s feet!

BradfordLass72 Tue 03-Sep-19 06:52:35

Many, many moons ago, I worked at the Baird TV factory soldering parts onto boards.
Three weeks in, I was taken aside and asked to slow down.
The other workers were afraid they'd be asked to work as quickly.

GabriellaG54 Tue 03-Sep-19 06:37:12

That was funny SueDoku 😂
I could picture the scene in the kitchen with clipboard...📝
When I worked in JL, many moons ago, we were subject a work study and those being studied went at a slower pace so that their normal pace generated overtime pay.
Not sure how that worked but their pay packets were bulging.

BlueSapphire Mon 02-Sep-19 21:36:52

I felt like most of you when my DH retired. My routine went out of the window. I felt guilty if I wanted to go out without him, just a bit of shopping or a trip into town, but I learned to live with it. He got a bit set in his ways, and lots of times I had to bite my tongue and let him get on with stuff in his way. I missed the time on my own when I could please myself what I did. But there were times when we'd just look at each other and say "this beats working, doesn't it?", especially on a lovely sunny day, sitting in the garden and having lunch together. Can I say just make the most of the time you have together if you love each other, this time doesn't last for ever. I really do understand how you feel, but would give anything to have him sitting in his chair now, and enjoying his company.

Sara65 Mon 02-Sep-19 19:01:20

I always felt sorry for my dad when he retired, my mum was a real cow at times practically kicking him out of the house. I thought it was awful that he’d worked so many years while she sat around at home, and was then treated as nothing but a nuisance.

wicklowwinnie Mon 02-Sep-19 16:50:58


Good luck!! You only have one life-enjoy the
rest of it. x

trendygran Mon 02-Sep-19 16:47:27

Please just try to be glad you still have your DH.I lost mine 11 years ago and we had no retirement time at all together. I know it can be hard to adjust ,but you never know for how long. My DH died very suddenly ,aged just 66. Hope you can sort things out and enjoy your time together.

wicklowwinnie Mon 02-Sep-19 16:42:50

When my mother was newly married an old lady told her she wouldn't know what marriage was until my father retired.

Plus, A nurse told me she was shocked how many widows
confessed when told their husband was dead their first thought was "freedom at last"

There must be a lot of hidden unhappiness around.

grandtanteJE65 Mon 02-Sep-19 16:19:18

Put newspapers down when you mop the floor! I do!

Sorry if we are causing grief to the widows amongst us, but our better halves are driving us batty!

Mine starts things, then stops, no explanation vouchsafed as to why. Just now we have
kitchen sink requiring an u-bend - it works but the stink of drains is overwhelming (DH can't smell it!)
kitchen counter with a temporary surface - temporary two years ago that is.
walk- in closet, partially insulated with rock wool, d***n all happing to the other wall and a half
sliding-door to the above fitted at top, but not at bottom
hand-basin waiting to be fitted in upstairs toilet
plastering incomplete in kitchen, so no hope of decorating there.

TELL him to use the toilet before you put cleaner in it, Lilypops. It might just help.

Yes, we love them and don't want to do without them, but why oh why must they be so infuriating at times?

Lilypops Mon 02-Sep-19 15:52:17

Pittcity , oh how I can agree with you regarding mopping the kitchen floor, mine hasn't been done for 3 weeks !! OH always wants to "just get something from the kitchen cupboard"
Also , the toilet floor too , AND whenever I put bleach down the toilet to be left a couple of hours,, he needs the loo !!!
Oh so frustrating , I have no routine now , when he was out at work I got on with my chores as soon as he had left and had everything done ,
I shouldn't complain I know, I am lucky I still have him ,

hulahoop Mon 02-Sep-19 15:31:17

My oh retired before me now we are both retired we are enjoying retirement we rub along ok we have our own friends and do our own thing yes routine as gone out of window but I didn't have much of a routine due to us both working shifts .i love having him at home 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

notentirelyallhere Mon 02-Sep-19 15:18:18

Tooyoungtobeagrandma good for you and best of luck. flowers

maryhoffman37 Mon 02-Sep-19 14:38:14

"My laundry"?, "my kitchen" (even though he has always done most of the cooking)? I think the root of the problem is right there. The OP is being very territorial. My husband retired nearly three years ago and I love having him around all the time. It's true that when we stop for coffee at 11am, the break stretches out a bit and I don't get as much work done as I should but then I'm 74 and most people have retired by then!

Tooyoungytobeagrandma Mon 02-Sep-19 14:33:02

Sorry for those that have lost partners but your situation does not trump someone elses. My oh has been retired couple years while I still have to work part time. That time has made me realise that I don't like him much and so have started divorce proceedings. He is selfish and mean and whilst enjoying his lovely pension doing whatever he wants when he wants, I am working to keep my car running and to pay my share of the bills. He still expects me to cook when I get home despite having had all day to himself and has kicked off when I've refused as have been working. Some women have no means of getting away and suffer retirement, well I have decided I am not going to put up with it any more and if have to work more hours to survive I will.

pinkquartz Mon 02-Sep-19 14:29:00

Perhaps you are needing more reassurance for your procedure at the end of the week.
It would be good if you and DH went out and did something fun together before.
Then sort out the house stuff when you are recovered and ready to do battle.

I do wish you well for the procedure

123kitty Mon 02-Sep-19 14:25:04

I'm so sorry for you Artdecogran and Tymera. I think a lot of this post is tongue-in-cheek and a good way of grans letting off steam.

Bathsheba Mon 02-Sep-19 13:57:28

EllieB52 my DH plays golf a couple of times a week too, but I plan my outings to coincide with this. It’s the only way I get to go anywhere on my own. As soon as I put my shoes on and pick up my bag, he says “where are you off to?” - as he’s getting up to get his shoes on and come with me 🙄😡

Sheilasue Mon 02-Sep-19 13:36:17

Crikey I have been to my Monday get together group this morning while I was dh did the bathroom out cleaned the tiles on wall floor etc.
I have come back made lunch and when he goes for a kip later I am vacuuming and dusting the living room.
You have to get them to help.

notentirelyallhere Mon 02-Sep-19 12:11:09

Whilst I am sorry for the loss of those who have lost a dearly loved husband, there are plenty of women in unhappy marriages who wouldn't regret such a loss at all. Life is unfair.

Only the other day, a friend was relating the story of another friend who committed suicide because she couldn't stand her unhappy marriage one day longer. Even if your husband is now gone, you are so lucky to have had a loving relationship, not everyone has that.

SueDoku Mon 02-Sep-19 11:36:00

My late FIL was a time-&-motion study expert, called in by companies to ensure that their employees were working in the most productive way. About six months after he retired, MIL told me that she was ready to brain him with his clipboard, as he'd been watching her cook, clean etc and making 'helpful suggestions' about how she might work more efficiently...grin
As she pointed out to him, he'd had no worries over the preceding 40 years, and the house had always been clean, food on the table - and she'd worked part-time as well.! I had every sympathy with her...!!!

Craftycat Mon 02-Sep-19 11:34:43

My DH has been at home for a couple of months as he is between contracts. It has made me realise what it is going to be like when he retires in about 8 years time. I think I may have to go back to work!!