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Commercial surrogacy-could you leave a baby?

(20 Posts)
trisher Sat 13-Jun-20 12:28:30

The news showed a couple collecting their surrogate baby in the Ukraine. This is one of the few places where commercial surrogacy is legal. Because of lockdown there is a room at an orphanage full of babies waiting for their real parents. They also showed a 4 year old girl who had disabilities because she was born prematurely, she lives in an orphanage because the people who paid the surrogate wouldn't take her. I couldn't imagine giving birth and then leaving the baby or rejecting a child I knew was mine genetically. I wondered about the grandparents. Did they know about the baby? And if they did know how did they feel?

petunia Sat 13-Jun-20 12:55:27

I read an article about this very thing recently, probably the same hospital. Once lock down happened, the biological parents were not able to collect their babies. And as time went by, the biological parents were expressing their plans not to collect their baby as it was no longer a new born. I also believe the babies must stay in the building as to leave involves registering the child and someone taking responsibility, which the Ukraine authorities are reluctant to do. So instead of a welcoming home, they must stay in a nursery with the others, cared for by staff.

It was heartbreaking to see the rows of babies waiting for collection and tragic for the small disabled child who had been discarded.

Galaxy Sat 13-Jun-20 12:56:49

What have we become where children are for sale.

trisher Sat 13-Jun-20 13:01:06

Thanks petunia I didn't know the authorities made it difficult for the child to be registered. What a terrible thing for those children.

Iam64 Sat 13-Jun-20 13:12:28

The immediate response to your question trisher, is no, I could never act as a surrogate. I understand the wish to have children and I've blessed in being able to do this. I have real emotional difficulty in accepting that just because we can, we should have babies via surrogates. In the UK, surrogacy is rightly subject to a legal framework. It's similar as our adoption processes, meant to support the wellbeing of children and avoid exploitation.

The idea that would be parents are backing out because 'their' baby is no longer a new born nauseates and disgusts me. The research from the Romanian orphanages confirmed what anyone working with children knew, that early attachment needs have to be met or children are likely to face life long psychological and emotional difficulties. What a sense of entitlement to buy a baby, then leave that child in a dreadful environment. I know the pandemic couldn't have been predicted but it isn't an excuse for walking away
I'm presuming the birth mother entered into a financial agreement either because she is someone would could walk away from a baby but more likely because she was in desperate financial need.

paddyanne Sat 13-Jun-20 13:16:19

I think back to the days when a baby wasn't a "RIGHT" and wonder what happened along the way .
In my family there were three couple who didn't have children ,not by choice but they accepted that their lives were meant to be that way .To our benefit it has to be admitted as my parents had 4 of us and we were the babies of all the aunties too.Much loved and cared for ,they knitted and sewed for us and spent time with us most days before school got in the way .
As a mother who had major difficulties carrying to full term I fully understand the need to have a child of your own .My last pregnancy was to be my last attempt whatever the outcome as the physical and mental cost was becoming impossible to cope with.
I dont think surrogacy would have been an option for a lot of reasons ,having lost babies myself I wouldn't expect anyone to hand over a child they had given birth to and having them in the background of the childs life forever would be hard .I fully understand that some women can walk away but its not something I could have been part of .
As for the rich and famous who USE surrogates to avoid the pregnancy and birth and the stretch marks etc....it s beyond my comprehension.Old fashioned ,maybe .

Galaxy Sat 13-Jun-20 13:18:40

Its not old fashioned its putting the rights of children ahead of the rights of adults.

Oopsminty Sat 13-Jun-20 13:25:10

Never understood the surrogate thing.

I could never leave my baby. And in my head, it would be mine.

Digressing slightly, I read about an American couple who adopted a baby from China and then gave him away once he was about 4. He was autistic and they couldn't cope with his needs.

Grannynannywanny Sat 13-Jun-20 13:26:28

I saw that heartbreaking clip on the BBC news website yesterday showing a couple being allowed in to collect their baby after 10 weeks of lockdown.

Also the poor little 4 yr old girl left unwanted by her American parents because of her disabilities. Truly heartbreaking.
Surrogate baby meets parents at last
www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-53006494

BlueBelle Sat 13-Jun-20 13:28:45

No never, never , never..... and I think this Ukraine thing is horrific and the parents who use it are horrendous too It should be outlawed a baby isn’t a ‘thing’ to reject if it’s not as you expect it to be

petunia Sat 13-Jun-20 13:31:57

i read that too oopsminty. the couple were social influences and spoke of re-homing the child as though he was a troublesome puppy

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8363197/YouTube-influencer-Myka-Stauffer-draws-backlash-rehoming-autistic-four-year-old-son.html

Grammaretto Sat 13-Jun-20 14:29:54

I am still living in the last century and don't get this: "right to have a child at any cost".
I was having this conversation with a friend where we agreed that to be a parent needn't be the be-all and end-all.

Then we started to laugh as she has 5 DC and I have 4!.
It depends on your perspective I suppose and I am sure not many of those parents were happy to leave their baby for any longer than they have to. Let's wish them all well - the babies that it..

My DS adopted 2 babies back in the 1970s in the UK and it wasn't so very different for them. A full orphanage, they could choose the one they wanted, the babies were not new born but not being played with, talked to or cuddled. They were fed and changed but treated like babies although some were walking.

maddyone Sat 13-Jun-20 15:30:50

I have four grandchildren, none of whom arrived via the conventional method. Three are IVF babies, and one is adopted. We love them all unconditionally. Surrogacy is however, something completely different. I saw the news item trisher is speaking of, it was on the evening news, probably BBC, a couple of nights ago. It was very sad. I think parents who deliberately create a child via a surrogate should be obliged to take the child after it has been born. As parents we don’t get to choose our baby, we accept and love the baby who arrives.

sodapop Sat 13-Jun-20 15:37:34

I think the situation in Ukraine is the exception where commercial surrogacy is allowed as trisher said. This can obviously lead to abuse of the system.
In certain circumstance surrogacy can work and I would not have a problem having a baby for someone else. I was fortunate in being able to get pregnant easily and having uneventful pregnancies.
I do have reservations in so far as there are children without families in foster care or children's homes who could be adopted.

trisher Sat 13-Jun-20 16:36:46

Seeing the parents collecting their baby and the joy it gave them was wonderful, but it was one baby and there were so many more. I do hope their parents arrive for them.

EllanVannin Sat 13-Jun-20 17:42:12

Aw, that little girl. I couldn't have left her behind bless her. How damn cruel.

Floradora9 Sat 13-Jun-20 22:54:12

I fostered babies getting them at a week old and had them until they were addopted. I had my own children as well but you have to always accept they will never be yours. I shed tears after every one left but did it.One little girl was 6 months old and cried when anyone else took her that was terrible . I got really annoyed with people saying how they could never do what I was doing because they could not give the babies away . The alternative for these babies was the children's home so how could you let your feelings stand in the way of giving the children the start they deserved.

Grannynannywanny Sun 14-Jun-20 00:11:00

Floradora9 Foster parents like you do a fantastic job. It takes a special kind of person to be a good foster parent. Your family must be very proud of you. I hope you’re having a well earned rest now 💐

grandtanteJE65 Mon 15-Jun-20 12:51:05

No, I don't think I could have been a surrogate mother if such a thing had existed when I was of the age to have children.

In our childhood, quite a lot of women gave their children up for adoption because they had them before marriage. A heart-breaking decision, but one some women felt forced to make. But I have always felt grateful to the woman who gave my sister up for adoption.

We can too remember the days when some unmarried mother's children were adopted by the father and his (usually barren) wife.

It is a very sad thing that there are orphanages full of children who are denied parents and childless couples who may not adopt them. Surely laws on adoption should be less restrictive?

In his time as a doctor, my father knew one couple who refused to take a mentally handicapped child home from the maternity ward and put the child into a children's home.

There have sadly always been people who wanted "the perfect child", which doesn't make it right, just a sad fact.

sodapop Mon 15-Jun-20 13:22:15

I echo what Grannynannywanny said Floradora9 you are a very special person, well done.