Why is my daughter in law so competitive?

Hello Grannyspecial you could use Mothers Day to send a card or small gift.

I always send something small to my Daughter and Daughter in Law from the GC, both are aware the gifts are from me as the children are too small(well 4 out of the 5) it does no harm showing your gratitude for all they hard work they do. Think Mothers Day is 18th March this year. Hope things improve for you.

Hello Carol - thanks for your thoughtful response. Unfortunately my DIL's mother is exactly the same - neither of them have a "warmth" to their relationships with family. My younger son can't stand her sarcasm and one-liners. I've tried just about everything I can think of, including buying a membership to RHS Wisley (near where we live), so we could go together sometimes or she can go with her friends. Needless to say, I haven't been asked once to go there with her in the whole year. My son, her husband, brings my grandson to see me sometimes for a couple of hours and says "You know that she's very possessive". That sums up their relationship too.
It's a very unusual situation, as most of my friends, who are grandparents, see their grandchildren quite freely. I thought she may need me when she went back to work, but so far not!
I suppose I'll just have to live with it, but it's so hurtful.

Welcome Grannyspecial. If you look back over the months, a few Gransnetters have talked about their frustrations at not being allowed to get close to their new grandchildren. Some new mums feel a bit threatened, others want to do everything themselves, and yet others have misunderstood something that may have been said casually and taken it to heart. Are you on good terms with her mother? Can you drop in with a small gift, and offer to help in some small way? Or perhaps send a card to say how much you enjoy seeing your grandchild and what a good job she is making of caring for him, as looking after a premature baby has much more entailed in it than many people realise (I have two sets of twin grandchildren who were premature).

Good luck - I hope things improve for you x

It's so interesting to read everyone's point of view about MIL and DIL relationships. I've just joined, having come onto the site because of my frustration, sadness and bewilderment
My experience has been going on since my 15month old grandson was born. A few not so nice things are:- my DIL hasn't phoned me or come over to see me once in all that time and they only live 10 minutes from my home. She tells my son what she expects me to do, which is more or less nothing, as she sems not to want to encourage my relationship with my grandson. As my user name suggests, I think being a grandparent is very special. My mother died when I was 18, so as a mother and grandmother, I didn't have an "imprint".
My son does his best, but DIL prefers to send her son to nursery 3 days a week, rather than the original 2 planned and 1 day with me. There are many other little niggles, but on the plus side she is a devoted mother, makes all his meals herself and was very patient with her premature baby. I've tried to be in her shoes, but don't think she's been in mine. It's so sad, as I've never had my grandson in my house on his own and often feel like social services are monitoring me when she's here. Probably we've never been close, but it's far worse now and as I hardly ever get the opportunity to talk to her, she can't say I'm interferring!

Oh dear, there is nowt as queer as folks. Thankfully we have no problems in our family, we all love each other dearly. My Mother used to fall over herself to do things for my DH, and she used to tell me off if she thought I was not being nice enough to him.

Maybe it's a good thing that all these strange and brittle people are shared out amongst our respective families, and we all have one or two - I dread to think what it would be like to have a few of them knocking about in the same family - they make life miserable for themselves and others. Some people seem to delight in being vengeful, telling malicious lies and enjoying other people's distress. They are in for a very lonely old age!

Most families have someone that is strange, my family and some of my children's in laws have more than their share. D1's FIL does not like D1 and barely speaks to her, she told her husband this and he assured her that she was imagining it. He doesn't know that his father told D1's friend that he could barely look at my daughter when he first met her. He may feel this way because D1 dared to live with his son and he has never forgiven her. He seems to forget that his own daughter lived with a violent man and had two children with him and then had to move away to get away from the violence. Or that the rest of his many children have all lived with their partners. Or that his S2 is nasty and no one in my family or quite a few in his family speak to him (he unfortunately married my niece). I would say it's D1's FIL's sanctimonious background that made him think that D1 was making his son 'live in sin' and stopped him finishing uni. He seems to have missed that his son was barely passing his subjects through lack of interest. He barely spoke to his eldest son so should not be surprised that his son moved away.
My daughter is a really decent woman and I am very proud of her. She has a wonderful career, loves her husband very much and has two beautiful daughters who are very much loved. D1 and I are puzzled why her FIL would tell one of D1's closest friends this information when he had never met her before. D1 is now wondering who else he has told this. It has put her on edge with her in laws now. She might not be as welcoming when they next visit and stay for a few days.

I was lucky - my MIL had my ex-OH and then another son exactly one year later. My OH was more or less brought up by his grandmother, who lived with them. Consequently, he was never very close to his mother and she didn't take much interest in us. She actually told me when I was pregnant that my child would not be as important to her as her DD's child. Fair enough, but I don't know why she had to tell me that.
My ex BIL and his wife had terrible problems. She was a widow of 26 with two lovely little girls aged 4 and 2. My in-laws refused to accept them as grandchildren and always bought them cheaper presents than their 'real' grandchildren. They were very narrow-minded and bigoted, and I often had to bite my lip when my FIL started off on his sexist or racist rants. They told me they would not attend our wedding if we had it in a catholic church (I don't know why they thought I would, as they knew I was an atheist) but they would come to a Registry Office wedding, which they did. I remember misquoting Shylock 'If this is Christian charity, thank god I am only an atheist'.
We decided at the start of our marriage that he would deal with his family and I would deal with mine - not that mine gave us any trouble, as my mother thought the sun shone out of me and always liked my OH.

I have only a SIL who is wonderful and knows how much I admire him. He is stepfather to my DD's four eldest children (they have another two as well) and nobody could have done a better job. His mother has always been kindness personified to my DD and her children.

I think I can understand why some wives feel threatened by their MIL's. You have been the most important woman in most of your son's life. She may feel that you will resent her and is on the defensive from the start.
I think it is sometimes possible to 'lance the boil' by being forthright, but by couching what you say in terms of how it affects you, rather than a criticism of her - i.e. It upsets me when you say.....because I really want to be your friend. Can you tell me how I can help our relationship - I know I must get it wrong sometimes.' It may make you grit your teeth to seem to be taking the blame, but ask yourself, do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

My MiL was such hard work; I got her son pregnant, was not the right class, and was cleverer than her. I was only 19 and came from a loving family who forgave me my errors (1965, remember) and I didn't know how to cope with her nastiness. She came from a very tight, sort of middle class, Scottish (and how!) background, and I was the cause of her shame. (Not, you will notice, DH!)

But, as I've said elsewhere, I said little (probably because I didn't know HOW!) and was actually quite glad I hadn't after she died. We'd reahced an uneasy truce - especially when I produced sons. I wonder how I'd have reacted after I'd gone back to university, gained confidence and found out who I was etc?

I have two wonderful DsiL and I love them to bits. I am constantly amazed at their ability and affection. And, of course, I have the loveliest daughter in the world!

Hi Catsgran,

You say that the slightest confrontation with my son...brings on no contact. But you shouldn't assume that the DIL is the one that is keeping your son from contact. I think it is great that you watch your grandchildren. Clearly the DIL/son must respect your ability to care for their children. I know that it must be very hard to have your relationship change since your son married, but I also imagine it is just something that happens and not necessarily someone's fault.

As a mom of three boys - my relationship with them is constantly changing. If you could try to see that and respect that as natural, maybe it would keep you from being so upset by the change.

I also believe that your son does have a BIG place for you in his heart. No matter what the circumstances, a child doesn't stop loving their parent/mom but instead has to make room in their heart for the others in their life as well.

My suggestions to you is to continue to work at the relationship but maybe except that the time he gives you is what he has at the time to offer and enjoy that time and the time with your grandchildren.

Maybe your DIl doesn't plan to have a lot of interaction with you for whatever reason and if that is the case, there is not reason to try and force her to. But, continue to show your love and support of your son and grandchildren and your son's relationship with your DIL - maybe eventually things will change and she will welcome a relationship with you.

As I love my own mother in law very much and have always found her to be supportive, I want my daughters in law to have the same experience as I've had. I'm truly blessed as I genuinely like both of my sons girlfriends. My oldest son has been 'going steady' (do people still say that, or is it only me?) for a long time and I'm expecting that his girlfriend will, one day, become my daughter in law.
This is how I will look on that day:

I must be one of the lucky ones. My DiL and my other son's partner are like the daughters I never had and I can let my hair down with them - in fact, the wine comes out of the fridge when I come in the door! We see eye to eye on most things and they will talk to me about just about anything. And I don't think they like my ex-H very much which gives us something more in common!!

As for the guidelines; they arise from the 'new' idea that breast feeding is best for the child and our generation were conned by the dried milk industry to thinking that a bottle was more modern. I fed my 46 year old daughter on egg yolk at the age of 3 weeks and now she has got an egg allergy! She is a modern midwife and I didn't dare tell her that the egg allergy was maybe my fault as I was innocently following doctor's orders.

The DIL problem is very diffcult. My daughter married her schoolboy friend from down the road. We MILs are friends now and I found it difficult knowing both sides and sometimes things were tense until my daughter did behave badly to me. I went home and awaited an apology. When I criticised my DD her MIL stuck up for her! Since that day we have found a way to openly discuss the tensions which arise from DILs From my side I have her son as my SIL and we have no problems. It is different with sons and always will be.

I have tried very hard with my daughter in law but from day 1 it was obvious that she didn't want to be involved with the wider family. M son changed so much and from a very close friendship we now have virtually no relationship. I live around the corner and have done masses of daycare and babysitting for my grandchildren and have always tried to say the right things and tell them what brilliant parents they are..but the slightest confrontation with my son brings a punishing routine of no contact,no phone or text messages and it goes on for weeks if I let it...its always me that makes the apology even though I havent caused the problem...its making me ill and I can't sleep...I know that ones relationship will change dramatically once a child marries but surely my son should be able to find a place in his heart for me alongside his new family...any help would be gratefully recieved !

I love her to bits, respect her entirely and trust her implicitly.

KittyVentura what a lovely thing to say about your MIL.

KittyVentura - I think every generation thinks they have the last word in "scientific" evidence, only to see ideas change with the next generation. For example, whilst I agree that the evidence about SIDS is robust, I am not so sure about the "evidence" about late weaning and I am certainly unconvinced by the idea that routine, unless it is ridiculously over-strict, causes anxiety and behavioural problems.
I think these things feel terribly important when you have a young baby, but by the time you get to the end of the process (if you ever do), and youir children leave home, you realise that it is just that long-term process that is really important and that people who are text-book parents of young children are sometimes hopeless with teenagers etc
I think as parents you have to find the way that works for you, your family and your situation and that "expert" advice often needs very careful evaluation. You only have to look at the different outcomes of studies about the impact of different forms of childcare (nursery / home / childminder) to see that experts very rarely agree.

I love my ex-MIL. Always did, always will. She accepted me totally and was (is) a supergran. I used to find her super-efficiency and apparently endless energy a bit overpowering but she is so nice that I always knew that was just me feeling inadequate (don't we all, at times?) and not her fault.
My own mother has always felt threatened by me (I wonder now if she thought I was stealing some of my dad's affection that rightly belonged to her) and still challenges me over trivia all the time. She also challenges me about my daughters' way of doing things, which is often different from mine, as is normal. I don't ask my daughters too many questions so often I'm unable to answer my mum's. One day she said: "Don't you CARE?" This was because I couldn't remember exactly what OU course DD was doing. I thought for a bit and said: "Actually, no. If my daughter is happy, then I don't care how she chooses to do things. It's her life."
Eventually my phone chats with my mum petered out (she is not within easy visiting distance) because I simply couldn't handle the constant attack. We still have "conversations of purpose", as the Amish call them, and I still see my mum at family gatherings but I have, in effect, backed off. It is sad but it is also a relief.

I think that its pretty common. Many parents are keen to do things differently, follow current parenting trends etc and I think they feel a need to try to get everyone on board. When people perceive that they want to do things a new way and have specific parenting values in mind they can be a bit defensive. I have to admit to being culpable in this regard at times myself.

She is free of course to want to be modern and do things her way. I would try to go with the flow and show a positive and encouraging interest in how she's doing things - probably a topic she will enjoy if she's like many new moms reading lots of child rearing books. That could help you understand better and open a doorway for her to fully explain herself so she doesn't feel the need for little side comments.

Just be wary of criticism and unsolicited advice. Nobody appreciates that.

My MIL was my saviour, she was always there with a helping hand and to babysit. When I had my DS she sat up all night making tea for midwives and supporting DH. I was devastated when we lost her at 58 and the children lost a wonderful Nanna. I try to be a good MIL too and will always help but never interfere, I offer advice but only if it was something I found worked for me. I know my DIL does not feel afraid to ask for help when she needs it.

I doubt many DILs mean to be competitive. Some will unfortunately... and some just plain dislike their MILs and (as a mother of one 7 month old boy so far) this makes me very sad and scared.

One of the problems is that most of the guidelines given by the health professionals now seems to contradict everything that was previously done, and all with "good" reason. We have so much information now available to us and so many studies have been completed which gives evidence to state that many things need to be done differently with babies these days. That's not to say that the olds ways were wrong, just that the more we learn, the more that guidelines change to prevent risk of illness or harm.

*Things like:
Not weaning until 6 months - Can cause digestive issues, allergies and other "badies"
Not allowing babies to sleep on their fronts - Increased risk of SIDs
Not giving the baby too many blankets - Increased risk of SIDs
Not allowing babies to "cry it out" - Can cause anxiety and behavioural problems
Following a "baby-led" routine rather than a strict routine - Can cause anxiety and behavioural problems
Giving water as a drink - No longer deemed neccessary
etc etc*

However, as most of you will have done things the way you did... and raised perfectly healthy babies in the process... it is sometimes hard for you to see and fully understand why we are doing things a different way.

This leads to a new mother feeling a need to assert herself more to ensure that current guidelines are followed... and for the older generation to think that we are being awkward. It's not the case at all, we just want the best for our babies.

I am personally closer to my MIL than I am to my own mother (which I think is fab because my husband has just one brother and I really am like the daughter she never had - it gives her that "front row seat" with our children that she might not normally get as a MIL). I love her to bits, respect her entirely and trust her implicitly. I felt this same need to assert myself though. It wasn't in any way to be competitive at all. I could just see, after explaining for the 5th time that week why my son did not need to be offered water, that sometimes it is hard to really appreciate why new guidelines are there when you raised healthy adults doing things a different way.

I hope that helps you see things from another perspective. We do all (and I'm sure many of you were the same) have an idea of the parents we want to be and how we want to do things and sometimes the determination to do things a certain was can come across as stubborn.

KV xx

Just type in what it says next to the smiley face. Include the brackets.
I only found this out through another of the forums on Gransnet. Really enjoying the variety of forums.

Hello...will some kind grannie tell me how to get a smiley face on my comment page please?

Dear Silkycat....I doubt this was due to anything you did......such an extreme reaction is beyond any explanation. I just want to say how sorry I am and hope that either your son or his wife sees sense. The longer she keeps it up....the more damage she is doing to everyone.

Hi bite your tongue sit back and let her get on with it smile and nod and say yes dear, has you will end up lossing your son and grandchild which is what as happened to me my daughter in law was all sweetness till they got married 3 years ago and we loaned them £3,000 everything was ok then this time last year we called with a card and present for our sons birthday and because she was having a bad day she sent me a text message shortly after we got home saying that we should have phoned before calling and that they want nothing more to do with us we still have the childrens christmas present as she wont let them have them l know my son should not have to chose between us but he will not return my calls or texts asking to meet and talk things over l am at my wits end and miss them all so much so just smile and say nothing good luck and hope all goes well with your new grandchild

Hi all
My son is not yet married (he is only 25) & I am hoping that when he gets married we will all get on. Reading your stories does worry me slightly! He lives in Sweden so I will probably have a lovely blond, blue eyed DIL who hopefully will like me. However I think that daughters do gravitate towards their mothers once married & not thier MILs. PS I have just become a G Ma to my daughter's baby but that's another stroy....