Why is my daughter in law so competitive?

I think Xmas is a thorn in a lot of peoples sides re 'who goes where' can't you all go out for lunch and then back to someones house for present giving etc. we did this last Xmas & it was very successful ,everyone was included so no feelings were hurt.I thought I would hate it but it was lovely & relaxing.

I had a great relationship with my mother in law - we were able to talk about anything and everything, and she was very supportive when we were first married. I was worried because my husband was an only child and son. She adored my son, and I dont know what i would have done without her support - and yes, love. I have had sad problems with my daughter in law, she prefers her own family to be fully involved in her and my sons family life. I bite my tongue, am careful not to be critical. For instance, she made clear from the start that Christmas would be with her family every year. I am invited up in January to deliver my presents. My son is afraid to say anything. Any ideas?

maybe the wrong site but just a word in favour of sons in law, I have 2 and I could"nt love them more if they were my own! they are both great partners to my DDs and great fun and friends to us

I remember being made to feel very inferior by my late mother-in-law for more than 30 years. I was determined not to mete out similar treatment when it came to my turn to be a MIL but to give praise and encouragement wherever possible.

Luckily I have an adorable daughter-in-law who manages five children (including 9 month-old twins) in a way that leaves me stunned with admiration. She's amazing and I tell her so regularly!

My daughter-in-law and son have been married 10 years and have known each other for 15 - teenage sweethearts really. They have a darling little girl of 2 and another on the way in November. I adore my daughter-in-law and we've never had a cross word or moment. With her pregnancies she kept me as involved as her own mother, I don't always agree with some of the things she does and vice versa but we've never had to have words about it. I know how lucky I am because I have friends who have a difficult relationship with their son's wife.

Hello, We grandmothers (when new mothers) did things the way that we thought best...even though we were perhaps sometimes considered pushy or know it all by our own parents and in-laws. It's the way of the world. I have three fine sons and three very pleasant capable daughters-in-law. Now have seven grandchildren - all delightful! My mantra is - allow the parent to make their own decisions regarding the upbringing of their own family. I offer advice, if asked for. I'm there when most needed. It's understandable to feel "left out" but not a good plan to express dismay as retalliation can cause rifts...

I was warned by my late mother-in-law's cousin that I would make an enemy of her the day I married her darling son and boy did I do that to the extent that she even wrote a diary lying about how I treated her when I nursed her after a broken hip. Of course her son (now my ex) would not believe me over her and I never did get her to come round in her attitude and like me.

I now have a daughter in law of my own and learning the lessons of my own experience am very careful not to offer unasked for advice. Sometimes I refer back to my son's childhood and what we did with him but she knows I am not being critical of her. I am flattered too that when they were having a few problems she came to me for advice and complained about my son! She was right and I thank my lucky stars that we have a really good relationship and of course I adore my granddaughters.

This said it doesn't stop me getting occasionally a bit hurt if I have the mickey taken out of me by her and my son for my views and ideas but I keep my own counsel on this but may one day retalliate.

I had a terrible few years with my MIL until we both realised that we did not have to fight for every small thing. We became very good friends and I miss her very much now that she is not here and feel we missed out on those years when we both were standing our ground.

I try so hard with my Ds P not to make her any different from my dd, and feel that as a MIL it is not my place to judge her, she is a very important part of the family.

All I can say is give DIL's a chance dont make it any harder than it is.

I'm a daugther in law and I did (maybe still do a little) have a lack of confidence around the in laws - I want them to love me and think I'm great and a compentent mother even if I do things differently to how they brought up my husband, ultimately I want their approval - I sure at times I have been a nightmare (although not conciously, I know I used to get very defensive) With my mum and dad I know I have unconditional love and understanding even if I say something stupid - I'm not sure with my inlaws and I'm looking for signs they even like me sometimes as its so important they do, I'm often on my guard so I don't say the wrong thing.

I think just as you are trying to get used to being a mother in law she is trying to work out where she stands as a daugther in law and maybe (as all kids do) find out what the boundaries are.

It has also taken me a long time to work out that when I was learning how to be a mother, my in laws and parents where learning to be grandparents and sometimes got it wrong too.

Maybe she is worried you'll disapprove of her parenting and is trying to justify her choices to you already? The sigma of bad relationships with inlaws also doesn't help, we are brought up to believe that we won't get on.

The break through with my mother in law was one day just saying I was finding it hard as a parent as no one ever told you if your were doing a good job, I noticed she started saying things like how happy ds was, commenting on his ability to do things like 'hasn't he got good fine motor skills' and not 'he's a late walker isn't he - X is the same age and already walking' (like she used to) or if I said 'he's been a handful' she'd say dh was just the same as a boy and I shouldn't be so hard on my self and she'd soon tell me if we needed to call in super nanny

as I've become more relaxed in their company (and I've been with dh for 14 years, married for almost 7 and have 3 children!) I find it easier to let their annoying comments slide and be more confident around them, I guess I feel I have less to prove, my relationship with dh is great and we are our own family unit.

Not sure if thats much help but only to say if she starts off on some critism make some none commital sound and change the subject - think of what she says that annoys you - does it really matter? is she just insecure in your company? is it a lack of confidence? what do you want from her in terms of understanding and acceptance? is it that she's asking for the same thing from you but is being a 'child' about it?

What sort of things is she criticising? Maybe she has a point?

Or maybe she feels that you are supercompetent at everything and she needs to prove to you that she is not just a silly kid who doesn't know everything? Maybe she wants your approval?

I have one like this and one who is lovely.I bit my lip and try very had not to obviously favour the lovely one

this is so normal - I had the exact same thing with my daughter in law. She kept getting at me and getting at me ( although my son was of course oblivious) until finally last christmas after 2 and a half years of this I stormed out (not too old to be a drama queen ) and she was slightly forced to apologise which led to a great conversation. I wouldn't recommend this route though, was very stressful but things HAVE been much better since.
Sorry, don't know how useful that is but really hope you manage to sort it out!