Why is my daughter in law so competitive?

OceanMama I was just going to say the same thing

grandtanteJE65

Any young woman who spends her time criticising the way you do things compared with the way she does them is probably basically dreadfully insecure in the housekeeping area and possibly elsewhere as well.

Next time she starts off about things, smile and say, "Well, love, we will have to agree to differ. You have your ways and I have mine."

Congrats on the coming grandchild. Tell your DIL that you have no intention of boring her with advice as your mum and mother-in-law did when you were expecting or a new mum, but you are there to be asked if she needs advice.

The child in the original post will be coming up to ten years old now. :-)

Any young woman who spends her time criticising the way you do things compared with the way she does them is probably basically dreadfully insecure in the housekeeping area and possibly elsewhere as well.

Next time she starts off about things, smile and say, "Well, love, we will have to agree to differ. You have your ways and I have mine."

Congrats on the coming grandchild. Tell your DIL that you have no intention of boring her with advice as your mum and mother-in-law did when you were expecting or a new mum, but you are there to be asked if she needs advice.

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Hi lovemykids - it is understandable that you are feeling hurt and of course it's not "wrong" to have a cake for a grandchild. But in the grand scheme of things and the situation you have described, you have to ask yourself how important it is - and is it worth making a fuss about. I'd say no, and I would let it go, and enjoy the celebration for my grandchild, with the rest of the family.

My daughter-in-law said no birthday cake this year they was having a party at her mothers.. I have always had a party for her so I am really hurt by this am I wrong for wanting to do a cake and ice cream???? Please help ?

Is it wrong to have a cake for grandchild .. ?

Is it wrong to have a birthday cake for my granddaughter party ..I was told not to because they was having just one party am I wrong for that..? I have always had a little party..

Yes, having brought up 4 children you do know a thing or two about bringing up children. But there is more to know than just your 'thing or two'. I brought up 6 children with varying degrees of success and people sometimes say 'You must know everything about bringing up children' - my response is that I know a little bit about bringing up my own children but little or nothing about bringing up anyone else's including my own grandchildren. A bit of humility might help your situation I'd have thought.

My MIL (well actually ex-MIL since I've been divorced for well over a decade) just died aged nearly 108; she was quite a character. We never got on but looking back I realise that because my family of origin was completely different from hers (they had lots of shouting matches and she always said exactly what came into her head - the opposite to mine where conflict and expression of emotions was completely forbidden), I was terrified of her and didn't know how to cope at all. Had I simply been able to 'give as good as I got' instead of cowering in a corner I think we would have got on much better. The trouble is it takes maturity to do that and I was hopelessly immature when we first met and my ex-DH didn't know how to handle the situation either. So she and I never managed to make a decent relationship which actually deprived us both, as well as my children. Hope this helps someone!

I really relate to difficult daughter-in-laws. My DIL is a very conniving little so and so. Totally has my son under her control.

We weren't happy with his choice but hid this from her and never let her feel any different. However, she's a nightmare but never to his face and he always believes her word over mine.

The most humiliating aspect was when her family held a party and invited us to come along. As it's customary in our culture to accept and bring gifts, we went ahead and did this. At this party, her cousin tried to treat me like a servant to which I did not tolerate and told her not to disrespect me as I've been very nice. Her brothers who are the age of my children shouted at me for saying this. My DIL didn't defend me at all nor did she get her brothers to apologise for this sort of behaviour. We left the house in disgust and my son never apologised on behalf of his in-laws.

Even after this, I have allowed my DIL to come into my house and have never held her family's behaviour against her or made her feel unwelcomed. I've even supported her against my other daughters who dislike her as they see her conniving manipulative side.

I know have a grand-daughter from them however I am unable to see them unless they supervise me. I have bought four children up successfully all going into professional careers, I think I know a thing or two about parenting! My DIL is currently on maternity leave and enquired the days I work. She has deliberately ensure her return to work are on the exact same days to ensure there is no chance of me babysitting my grandchild while she's at work.

It really hurts and I can only hope my son sees through it one day. My SIL on the other hand is amazing. Never been a problem and infact sometimes, he does far more for me as a SIL than my very own DS.

My DIL is very competitive in all aspects of life so it hasnt been easy. She is also from a European country and disappears there at every opportunity. I havent had a Christmas, Easter, or more than a couple of days with my son for years and its worse now as his job is so demanding that even if I manage to visit them in their distant home he is likely to have to work. I have now asked, after years of keeping quiet, whether we could have a Christmas together on alternate years, especially since there is still scope for them to visit her home country after seeing us - the special day in her country is 6 January in any case. This was responded to only by my son who agreed it was perfectly reasonable. Having seen that Christmas flights were available to book the other day, I asked if I should book flights for myself and younger son while they were still so cheap. Panic ensued, with my son obviously in stress trying to keep DIL happy by not committing to any dates, saying there were many work commitments in the offing. I now feel they can jolly well come and find ME - but of course this plays right into DIL's hands....

I wonder if it has every crossed the minds of these difficult DILs that they themselves will be mothers-in-law one day when their sons marry and their own DILs might treat them in the same way. After all, what goes around comes around!!!

I hope I was a good DiL. My DH was the youngest of 4 by a few years..post war de-mob baby born when MiL was 41. She was a sweet lady and v independent. We visited regularly and invited them regularly in return. Lived nearish so able to go for lunch or tea most weekends
I was naturally closer to my mum who also did some of my childcare but hope my DDs saw their grandmothers as 'equal' in terms of time and love!

As kids got older we continued to visit regularly and became the prime carers as DHs siblings lived further away. She never asked for anything and lived independently ( carers came in about 3 times a week to help with shopping and cleaning ) until her death at 98. My mum had died , aged 61 , some years previously so DDs became close to her.

I wonder what kind of MiL I am to my SsiL??

Dealing with difficult DinLs especially if they are either too close to their own mothers, or are as in the case of one of my DinLs, on really bad terms with hers, can be a nightmare. I've spent many years carefully walking on egg shells, never being confrontational or critical. So far it's seemed to have worked well, but there again, I have always been 'useful' and their parents have most definitely not pulled their weight. Things may change now that chronic ill health has made me not so 'available', we'll see. I still think the best summing up of how to deal with a DinL was put forward by Estee Lauder who had an awful time with hers until she twigged she was interfering too much. She said that she then determined in future and 'keep her mouth shut and her handbag (ie be generous) open'.

I had a similar experience over Christmas a couple of years ago - deliberately displaying what lengths she was going to do make it a special family Christmas and then engineering things to ensure I wasn't included. Fortunately, I have three other children and we got on with things ourselves, but it is hurtful when a DIL does this and son goes along with it for the sake of some peace.

What goes round comes round, and your DIL is not immune from everything coming back to bite her. She is creating hostility and, as one of the nasty texts I received from ex-DIL yesterday morning says 'no-one has given me any moral support - all I want is for someone to tell me that I am the one who has been kicked in the teeth. (Her parents live across the road, 30 years away - they are fed up with her). This came after a request (refused) to take my grandson to the cinema in the half terms hols. She lashes out nastily, then has to find a way to save face when I don't respond in kind, but offer sympathy (kills me to do it, but what can I do?).

Last night I got another text saying she had found a couple of books of my son's that he might want, if I would care to pick them up. This is her way of saying she realises she has gone too far and this way I will see my grandson for a few minutes when I call. I'll pick up some treats and a new book to take with me, and his daddy will send something with a letter, which I'll hand over to my grandson directly. Why do we have to go to these lengths, when we could expend all our love and energy on making grandchildren feel happy and secure?

Carol - you are so right about "flattery gets you anywhere" and I have tried this ploy, even with my DIL's mother, who just ignored me!!!!

There seems to be no chink at all ... until my son stands up to her. I didn't tell you that she arranged both days of Christmas with her family and for the first time in 61 years, I spent Christmas Day on my own (I did have offers). It was very upsetting, that my son went along with that arrangement, especially as I had all her family here for the day last year after the birth of my premature grandson. I spent Boixing Day with my other son's fiancee's parents, which was lovely.

I have moved on from all tha hurt and try to just get on with my life, which is quite full. Nevertheless, I'm in a "no win" situtation. My DIL isn't mean outwardly, but manipulates her prey behind the scenes.

Sorry that you're going through a difficult time yourself - I'm sure that gritting your teeth is the right thing to do, but I underrstand how hurtful it is for you.

Often grandchildren seem to be uses as weapons against us grandparents in marriages. So sad.

I think I have been dealing with a version of the DIL you describe Grannyspecial. Ex-DIL who is nasty, mean and morbidly possessive and jealous. My son was emotionally abused and financially exploited by her for many years before he started disclosing what she did, although the whole family had sussed her by then. He left her a year ago and since then she has made our lives hell. It suited her to let me look after my grandson, though, so she could party and drink, but now I have to fight for every minute I get to see him.

The only chinks in her armour I can find are that she wants money, and if I let her save face every now and again, whilst asking what I can do in terms of paying for uniform, shoes, trips out etc. she 'allows' me a little time with my grandson (then withdraws it after she has got what she wanted). Also flattery occasionally works - I just grit my teeth and remind myself this is what keeps me in contact with my grandson.

Do you have any idea what the chinks in her armour might be?

My DIL is a manipulator - I've known her for 16 years and since she's had their son and then got married she's defintely got worse. I'd say that she's insecure and just want my son to herself - this carries over into her son now. Most of my friends and family recognise this, but of course I'm the only one who has to "deal with it" I've tried so many things and I know that my son thinks that she should make more of an effort towards me, but I don't want to make trouble, so never criticise her to him. I usually ask him what he thinks can be done and he says, well you know what she's like!

I often feel like Henry Kissinger trying to negotiate a USA/UK diplomatic situation. Now I'm showing my age .... remember him from the 1970s

thanks for all your welcoming comments

Grannyspecial if your son is able to bring your grandson to see you, perhaps he can make it a more regular thing. You will see on other threads that some of us have used lateral thinking and tried all sorts of strategies to get a few minutes with some of our grandchildren. There might be something you can do that will persuade him to make progress for you. If she's possessive, I wonder what that stems from and whether there is something that you could resort to that could include you in her possessiveness. There's more than one way to skin a cat!!

Hi grannyspecial welcome to GN

Hi grannyspecial

Hello, Grannyspecial!

Welcome Grannyspecial

Glassortwo - you are talking my language ! Have you ever had a card from your grandchildren? I haven't. I have told my DIL that I think she's doing a good job, especially in the early days. I will consider your suggestion anyway, as I don't want this to be the ongoing situation anmd it's not healthy for any of us. Thanks for your help.