Changing Needs

Trixie - you sound like a strong and well-adjusted woman, despite (or maybe because of) what you've been through. It was different for me financially as we married quite young, acquired everything throughout the marriage on a 50/50 basis, both worked and ended up with a reasonable 50/50 split of assets and house.It did mean downsizing, but many years on, I feel it was a fair settlement. If you feel he's taken advantage or doesn't deserve half the assets, then that is quite a different situation. However with your very positive but pragmatic approach, I'm sure you'll be fine. Enjoy your new lifestyle and friends but be aware that things can change so don't let a real 'Mr Right' slip by, simply because you didn't notice him!! Good luck and be happy.

Jesse, I agree with Mollie so much!.......get a new haircut, make new friends , enjoy life! When men do this daft dashing off thing its all so damned unoriginal....do they realize they are being such silly cliches? There may well come a time when he realizes he has thrown away that deep intimacy formed by years spent together that he will never have with this youngster. At the moment hes having fun with this mad rush of late hormones but when hes just a bit older he may wish that hes got a partner who has truly been there for him through all of lifes ups and downs and you will be just too busy having a great time.

Jesse - the best revenge is to get on and have a brilliant life without him! Bet he thinks you'll fall apart and become a reclusive wreck - so prove him wrong and let him watch your dust!!!

em, thanks so much for your comment and I have seriously thought of divorce, believe me!
The only problem is that I would have to give him half of the value of my house...Hate to sound mean but I've worked hard for years to own my own property (his past debts have led to loss of previous homes) and I'd rather stick needles in my eyes than give him a penny!! I realise I've facilitated his 'I'm entitled' attitude to money over the years by usually having two jobs and bailing him out. His mother did likewise until her death and I took on the mothering role, I suppose. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!
We lead separate lives but he has a room in the house as he's nowhere else to go. I'd be more than happy to live alone!
Not all gloom and doom, though. Retirement and a move to the coast has transformed my life in the last few months. I'm making new friends and getting out lots on my own. Just planning a trip to Florida for Christmas, the first without the Husband. I can't wait.

Trixie - aren't you thinking of ending it? It may seem impossible, but just re-read the posts from those of us who are now free of unhappy relationships which give nothing and take everything from you. The very worst part of the whole thing is the period just before you bite the bullet and admit it's over. After that things can only get better. Life on your own is NOT the end of the world.

sad to read truebluebabe's comments and share similar disappointment after 39 years of putting so much into the relationship with my husband. He's typically public school, never shares any emotional intimacy. He lies constantly about money and as a result is he's up to his ears in debt
at the age of 76. I'm 12 years younger, just retired and dread the future. We haven't shared a bedroom for 15 years, so no joy there either!

There are a few vibrators on the market that are discreet, I have one that looks like a lipstick. I also have a normal one for want of a better word.
I got mine from Ann Summers

Bet he's having a male menopause; men hit fifty plus and lose all power of reasoning. It's a problem with him, not you. Join clubs, take up a new hobby and be happy. You'e not on a downward slope...look on it as a new beginning and a new challenge. Mine left me for an older woman!

Ilove reading all those posts. What am I to do? My man of 36 years has left me for a forty year old. I am in my sixties but I still want to have a sexual relationship. He has made me feel so old and just on the downward slope.

You're not alone, Doris. I even went to see a therapist, but she just told me I was 'feeling guilty'. Feel as if I've missed out somewhere along the way! Unfortunately my husband wasn't sympathetic and the marriage ended. I thought our marriage would just turn to a deep friendship, but, as I read somewhere 'all the family grew up and left home, including my husband...'

My husband bless him is not in the best of health and so our sexlife is no longer really viable. I still miss it terribly but know it would hurt him dreadfully if i took a lover. SO ladies, does anyone know of a (hopefully pretty discreet) vibrator??? I have never used one but think it may help my growing frustration---

Hi there
I've been married once and had a longish term relationship after that. I've been involved with another guy for about 12 years now but he doesn't live with me and neither of us are committed even after all this time - and quite frankly I don't think I could live with anyone 24/7 again as living on my own has made me fairly selfish.
He's 10 years younger than me and a really lovely guy. However, he can't give me everything I need - and even in my sixties I still need - so I've got other "friends" he doesn't know about and will never know about.
I suppose you could say that I have my cake and eat it too - and I'm enjoying every moment.
So if you find yourself in my position then don't hesitate - several of my friends are younger than my guy [although not much] and if they are attracted to me then I just enjoy everything I get.

Hi Em,
Totally understand. After 2 marriage and a few lovers ...living on my own is tops. Have lovely daughter and 2 grandchildren..but have a very busy independent life. Lots of travelling, meeting new people, lovely longterm friends, road cycling enthusiast, painting (professionally), working at the CAB. Don't miss my job in the City and the posers! The most important thing is HEALTH and Humour!!!!Keep going girl!!!

I really appreciate this thread - we are in our early 50s but it's at least 18 months since my OH slept in our bed. It started with him sitting up whenever he had a bad cold (they always hit his chest and he said he couldn't sleep flat) and eventually the pressure of a big tum and excess weight made him sleep propped up all the time. By Christmas 2009 even that wasn't successful and he opted to sit in an upright comfy chair 'temporarily' and has been there every night ever since. It's in our bedroom but I have to confess that the situation really bothers me. He's a lovely hugger and is very affectionate so I have no reason to doubt his love. But I miss him not being in our bed and how the closeness prompts intimacy. The thought that that side of our relationship could be over made me quite upset but thankfully, he does listen and is making an effort to get back but it's a slow progress ... I can understand the pleasure of your own room but there is something about me that needs to feel desired that came as a surprising realisation...not very mature but I'm working on that too...

I think the most important thing is that you talk about it to one another - no use sweeping stuff under the carpet. Not an easy thing to talk about, I know, but it seems to be a good starting place for sorting things out between you.
Just wish I could take my own advice

Well, due to my health problems - 3 strokes, rheumatoid and osteo arthritis, herniated disc - my husband gets really worried about causing me pain, getting me too tired etc. But we both want sex which we do indulge in just not as often or as vigerously. Most of the time it is the closeness that is important.

I usually go to bed early to rest and watch television and he stays up to watch television in the lounge. He does admit to staying up late because he says he would be 'tempted' as he still loves me and wants me after 40 years and all our health problems.

I do think that as we age being close and having a deeper love than the heady days of early marriage or relationship becomes more important but we still need the physical side of a relationship.

"Doris"
Don't feel the odd one out, some times we don't like to admit it...I am very much like you....although it has been forced upon me but it really doesnt bother me..think you just get used to the situation. I too would love my own bed and bedroom (but the trian set has taken over)!!! lol...

I understand Trueblue ..exactly what you mean about bringing up the family and doing everything as well as working full time !!!
My husband and I have been together since 17/14 yrs old respectively and have only ever had sex with each other. Been married for 42 yrs.

We had a 'good' sex life but when he was 50 he had an accident which resulted in severe clinical depression and we haven't had sex since (he is now 66 and I am 63).
The subject has NEVER been discussed , swept under the carpet...the forbidden subject.
I went through years of feeling unwanted and unloved but once I accepted it we have a fairly good relationship..what you would call ''contented''.

I am now his full time carer as he has type 2 respiratory failure and is on Oxygen most of the time.
I do enjoy having my own bedroom where I can read or watch TV until the 'small' hours if I want....but I do feel envious of couples who can go out together and have a 'normal' relationship.
You can feel very lonely even when you are not alone.

You're not odd.......we are all just individuals.....am much happier with a good book and a cup of tea in bed nowadays!

I am beginning to feel the odd one out here as it's me who can't be bothered with sex and haven't really ever felt the massive need for it, and I've been married for 38 years now. What I will say is that I have been very fortunate in having a husband that hasn't strayed because of it as many would have before now. Any tips on low libido?

Nothing wrong with a bit of 'what if' fantasy...its jolly healthy and keeps us sane. Am pretty sure you are perfectly lovable..the only critea needed is to be able to love. But to have the wisdom to accept what life has given you is a wonderful gift.

Carry on living your life, enjoy your friends and family and you just never know..........!

And please remember many of us out here might have a husband or partner who appears to be pretty near perfect but its not always quite what it seems. My husband is a dear kind man but I know that he and I are not always quite as emotionally sound as we could be. But I am ok with that. I have chosen to make the odd compromise because that is what I want.Perhaps I have watched too many episodes of Sex in the City and just perhaps I have thought that there is 'The One' still out there but I am a simple practical person and have chosen to settle because I know that compared to both my wonderful Mother and remarkable Grandmother I eventually found a man who has tried very hard to be a loving and supportive husband.

Em, your situation mirrors mine. I'm now very happily on my own, recently retired and about to start looking after my grandchild on a part time basis when his mum goes back to work.

But. And it's quite a big but, I was this week thinking that I probably now will never be the object of a man's total, unconditional love. I'm very aware that neither husband nor long term lover were able to give me that. And now that I've thought about it, it's stayed with me (especially after a glass or two), and although I'm not stressing about it, I have wondered what it would have been like. Of course, the other side of this coin is that maybe I'm not the kind of woman who is particularly 'lovable', and in fact I am happier on my own. Mind you, without said husband, I wouldn't have my two most marvelous daughters, and now wonderful grandson.

My sensible head tells me that I'm very fortunate and to count my blessings.

lol just one word!! (well 2 actauly) []

" Anne Summers " !

I have been married for 43 years and known my DH since I was 17. I could never find anything to complain about, if you had to compile the perfect man it is him. He was a new man in the sixties, nappy washing bottle making etc. When we were in our forties he had to work away from home and that lasted 16 years until his retirement. Not ideal living apart and only seeing each other on a weekend but it does spice up your weekends. You find you have more to talk about and enjoy each others company.

Oh truebluebabe, I am sorry and I do understand how you feel. When things were strained with my OH I began to feel like just a housekeeper, nothing else. Took the shine off of everything. Luckily he does understand and we have sorted things out - not perfect but better. I wish I could say something that would really help the two of you but it seems to me that you must know if there is any chance you can persuade your husband to see how you feel. If you can't then you'll have to find another way to feel nurtured and loved ... not saying look for a toyboy (might be fun, eh???) but it's that old message of being good to yourself and giving yourself what you need...

Sorry, probably sounds like I'm wittering on...