recovering from betrayal.is it possible?

Hi dancingfeet not heard from you in a while. Just wanted to say you're still in my thoughts.

I agree about forgiveness. It's a long process made easier if the other person recognises the wrong they have done and shows remorse by their actions (some hope here!). How many of us are strong enough to give unconditional forgiveness. What you can do is have an aspiration to forgive and learn a lot on the way, even if you don't ever get there. As grannyactivist says it shouldn't stop you acknowledging all the understandable anger, sadness, grief etc. It's how productively you express the emotions that counts. Betrayal is the other side of trust - you can't have one without the other - humans got out of the Garden of Eden state where there was no need for trust. It can produce the strongest of emotions because the strong emotion of love is betrayed.

Sounds like some counselling JUST for you would help to boost confidence & learn strategies. Finding the right person is as important as the right technique. A good one will know enough methods to offer what is right for you. Talk to a few before deciding. But the practical things are very important like good legal advice. So is self-help. Make a map or list of all the things you find helpful - physical, spiritual, emotional, social (like gransnet) etc and another of what doesn't help - it's easy to forget or not realise something that has helped or not.

dancingfeet my first husband left me shortly after our third baby was born. Since then I have remarried and I can truly say that my husband is faithful and trustworthy. Our sons and daughters all aspire to be like him and he has been my rock through many tragic and difficult situations. We will celebrate our silver wedding anniversary this year and we share a deeper love than most newlyweds.
I believe that forgiveness genuinely does release people from bitterness, which is corrosive - BUT, do give yourself permission to be angry and give yourself time to process your situation. You have been hurt and it would be unrealistic to expect that forgiveness will be easy or quick, but eventually if you can find it in your heart to forgive your husband then you will benefit from that. (Forgiveness, however, does not mean that he shouldn't bear the consequences of his actions; which might be that you make the decision to ask him to leave.)

What is wrong with the men in this world. Are there any faithful, trustworthy, loving men around. It seems that every paper I read, programme I watch or listen to seems to be about men deceiving their partners by any means possible, including the new internet and text messaging betrayals. I am still all over the place and not helped by this constant reminder and confrontation of appalling male behaviour. I managed to get a bit of counselling last week and was helped by hearing someone tell me that it is still early days and I've got months to go before I start feeling better. It sounds odd that I was comforted by that, but I think I have been expecting more and maybe too much from myself.Yesterday I thought I could manage to live in the house with him in it, but today my anger is back to the surface again and I want him out.I look forward to the time when I can have have a few days in a row without the anger and bitterness dominating my thoughts. I think that forgiveness is the only thing that will set me free, but at the moment I am not capable of it. If I was a truly religious person I would say that it would only be possible as a gift from God.

Dancing feet,I know what you are going through, but trust me this too will pass, my husband left me ten years ago after 35 years of marriage, and I then found our he had another secret life, and a son who was at that time 9 years old. My children, all grown up,were horrified, and furious,they felt that all they knew about us was a lie. They were angry that I had not confided in them, I think I should have. However ten years on, they have a good relationship with both of us,and their half brother. I am married for the second time, I was 60 just before my wedding, and my ex is married to the mother of his(2nd)son. I can't pretend that it was all plain sailing,but I have come to terms with it and I have now met, and married, the love of my life.
So keep strong and have faith, things will get better,talk to your children you will be surprise at the support and strength they will be able to give you. I agree with magdalene, your husband has demonstrated that you can't trust him, don't presume he will be fair. Good luck.

That is very true Crimson. But having had years to reflect as I expect you have, I do perhaps wonder, that having known someone for so many years, we perhaps take too much for granted about them. I willing admit I always felt very smug about my family life.
True too Magdelene. Where money is concerned, trust no-one!! Once the deal is done and signed, you can't go back on it.

Can I just add to the comments - make sure that you dont jump out of the family home until you get a settlement sorted out - dont trust that your husband will be fair . For some reason men change in these situations and even if he was fairminded before then its possible that he will not be committed to giving you a good deal financially and you need to be a bit hard headed which is very difficult when you are emotionally drained. I was very silly when it happened to me and have had to struggle for years just to stay afloat financially but I have survived.

It's strange how you can be with someone for [in my case] over thirty years, and suddenly realise that you don't know them at all.

My husband left me for his pregnant secretary 23 years ago. My daughters were 12 and 14. I know exactly how you feel. I had known him since I was 18 and he was my best friend. It turned out he had been having an affair with her for the last 6 years. It soon turned nasty. He became mean and difficult. It took 5 years before the finances and everything was sorted out. I never spoke to him again. My daughters, though still children, were enormous support to me. As were my friends and family. I tried Relate and a mediation service - both completely useless!

That's how I thought Relate was; I was so embarrassed to find that the fee was quite high. And the last time we went together we were just told 'you're marriage is over; move on'.

By the way, reading through this thread, I noticed that Farmgal thought CAB requested 'discretionary donations'. I can categorically say that this is not the case. We never ask, though in our Bureau we leave a donations box in each interview room and leave it up to the clients. Some give, lots don't. The principles of CAB are that advice is free and confidential.

dancingfeet I'm glad our input has helped a bit, but sad that you don't feel you can confide in your adult children. They will have to know sooner or later, don't you think? So is there any point in keeping the situation all to yourself? Perhaps they will be puzzled and even a bit hurt when they find out that you have been unable to share your burden with them. Wouldn't you want to know if a crisis was happening in their lives? But I don't know how other families' dynamics work. I only speak from my own experience. Good luck - I hope you will let us know how things go.

Thank you all so much for your support and advice. It has given me so much to think about and act upon which means I am not feeling so helpless and powerless. The information regarding Citizens Advice and counselling I am going to pursue in the next few days so hopefully you will see a positive,new me emerge. My children (mature adults) have noticed the weight loss, but accepted my explanation that I was doing more exercise. I think they sense something is not right, but I don't think they want to know basically as they are busy juggling lots of balls in the air with children and careers. They probably thought their father's sex life ended 35 years ago anyway!

I've just found this thread and just want to add my support to you, dancing feet. I was only in my early 20s when I went through a similar situation with one small child and the next on the way. That alters the practicalities but not the feelings. Writing down my feelings helped a lot and even though life subsequently was often difficult and very financially challenging I know I made the right decision to put myself and my children first.

You must get good practical advice and CAB would be the best place to start. Try to get yourself into the frame of mind where you can take control without being vindictive. Revenge may be sweet but is definitely a dish best eaten cold, so save changing the locks for later. (But you may find some pleasure in imagining what you MIGHT do. Cutting up his clothes could be the least of it!)

You need to ensure you have a space to live which is YOURS and an income to provide the basics which you feel are necessary to you. Check out all the ways that you can use to achieve that.

You must find someone to confide your feelings to, and agree that friends who know you as a couple may find this hard, so a counsellor would be good. Even if you are not a church goer, some priests can be brilliant to confide in as many are trained in counselling. I've come across several at key moments in my life.

Please keep on using these boards, we are all rooting for you.

Dancing feet - do you have any brothers, sisters, cousins etc that you are close to? You say that your children wouldn't notice if you had grown two heads, but surely such a dramatic weight loss would be cause for concern. I was in a similar situation quite a while ago now, and once I had got over the initial shock and shame (not quite sure why I was ashamed as it certainly wasn't MY fault) and told my mother, who promptly rang all my brothers and sisters to pass on the news I was so touched to find them all ringing me to offer me their unconditional love and support. It IS hard, there's no doubt about that, but keep strong, we're all thinking of you on GN, and do keep in touch xx

Dancingfeet. If you look on the CAB' s web site: adviceguide.org.uk and look in the 'families' section, you will find advice on the mechanics of ending a marriage. Your local Bureau should have a list of local solicitors who offer a free preliminary interview. However, the key to finding a solicitor is to follow recommendations from people who have been through the same experience and there are a lot of us out here as this thread shows. A solicitor specialising in these matters may well be able to provide a link with a mediation service.
When I was facing your situation, I kept a diary and wrote some very angry poetry. This is one way of 'letting it all hang out'. Some nights I found myself in tears, but this was therapeutic. My sons, then teenagers, were enormously supportive as were my sisters.

Try putting strong laxatives in his food. That'll give him something to think about!!

Bit concerned as to where dancingfeet would stand legally by changing the locks. Might husband use it in future as 'unreasonable behaviour'? Also not sure if you can just register a house in one persons name, and sometimes pension rights are worth far more than property.

Stansgran, sounds good in theory, but not sure your ideas would be helpful ..... satisfying though!

Might not hurt to change the locks while he is away-give him pause for thought on his return and open a bank account in your own name if you share accounts. Register the house in your name as well with a solicitor as your home to keep a roof over your head.good luck

I echo the feelings of soNanny about the advice and sisterhood. Thank you all for your support. It helps calm me down when I think I am going to explode with anger or die of grief. It seems I have been doing the right things by instinct ie. lots of gym classes, writing in a journal and trying to meditate, but have failed miserably on the latter. I hate this feeling of being stuck. I used to be such an action girl so my next job will be to book an appointment with CAB just so that I have got things in place, whatever the outcome will be. I do keep telling myself that I must take my time and my husband is quite happy with that as he is such a coward he does not want to tell the family. I'm sure he thinks that if he keeps his head down for a while, it will all go away and I'll forget about it.

dancingfeet, I agree with HildaW again. Walking is one of the best things you can do. It really clears your head. I also kept a journal and would write all my thoughts and emotions down each night. You'll realise just how much you have progressed when you read it back. I kept it up for about 6 months until I felt I no longer needed it.
I love all the advice and sisterhood here!

Dancingfeet,which area do you live in,i know an excellent therapist/counceller,she has a web page if it would help.

I think most of the larger solicitors offer a 30 or 60 min free first session, I used this when I went through a similar situation about 5 years ago. But you do need to get some advise as soon as possible.

Good advice from Farmgal....I walked for miles to and from work...just working things through in my mind.....it really helped and the exercise did me good too!