recovering from betrayal.is it possible?

I will have to see that movie. I talked to a number of women with my same story. Everything matches - his private vs public persona. His asexual behavior around women. Our sex life was non existent no matter what I tried. Early on when we did have sex, there was no passion, no kissing and he preferred doggie style. He made so many excuses and then just said that he had no interest in sex. After almost ten years of absolutley no sex he said it was my fault because I was too demanding. The male porn on his computer was the last clue. He is so respected that no one can imagine that he is at fault in our marriage. They say I was a bad wife and drove him to cheat. Admittedly, after ten years of no sex I was a little cranky. One person even talked about how wonderful and spritual he is. Shortly after I caught him he started going to church and hanging crosses in his car and around his neck. I get credit for his idiocy but not his spirituality. I wonder if they will also blame me for making him gay when that comes out. I taught my children about homosexuality so that they are both tolerant. When he finally does come out, I think he will wonder why he waited so long.

momof2 that is so interesting, your final comments. Have you seen Beginners, the movie with Ewan McGregor as the son, and Christopher Plummer (he got an Oscar for it) in the role of the (old) dad who comes out as gay after his wife died. In one of the scenes the son asks 'But you and mom ...?' and the dad answers 'We did our best' with the loveliest of smiles. Life never ceases to amaze or surprise me.

I am two years post discovery that my husband cheated with as many as two dozen women, that he remembers and admits to anyway. He blamed me as well. I am still in lots of pain but not nearly what I was then. My bigget problem is filling the void that my marriage left. Most of "our friends" were through his work and sided with him; my social life is non-existent. Still my own company is better than anything he had to offer or his friends. I am glad I left but every situation is different. If I thought my husband would have changed, I might have done things differently. My divorce should be final before the end of the year.

An update to my story is that I recently discovered that he is gay. My sister was telling me for years but I didn't want to believe it. All the women were his attempt to convince himself and anyone that was watching that he was not gay. He is still in denial but at 50, I don't think he can cover much longer. I hope he doesn't implode before my two kids are grown and can handle the other shoe falling. Funny thing is, I am pretty tolerant of gays. If he had been honest we could have come up with an amicable solution.

Thoroughly endorse your last two sentences, Grannyknot. It's no cliché to say that I 'found myself' after I got over the first hurt of rejection.

To everyone who has posted on here about 'lying, cheating men' a big hug from me. I had one of those husbands 30 years ago, and was left with 2 very small children, a toddler and a baby of 8 months. My family and girlfriends got me through a very low point in my life (long before internet ); and myself and my best female friend at that time eventually shared a house with our 4 children, which was very successful. Having each other around as babysitters on tap helped and we both married again. I think part of what attracted me to H2 is that (and I think someone mentioned it on this thread somewhere) as far as men and cheating go, there are those who do and those who just never will. I'm lucky to have found one of the latter (although of course he isn't perfect .) But I'd never ever want to be back in the situation again where someone cheats and lies. It does your head in! But with the benefit of hindsight and the distance of time, I realise it did wonders for me - forced me to grow up, to become independent, to take stock, to make a life for ME. But it took time, and a focus on 'accept what you cannot change, and change what you can'. I think everything I went through and having come out the other end, made me a strong person. Good luck, there's a whole world out there to experience. .

You are right dancingfeet, healing does take a long time, but it sounds as though you are doing all the things that are right for you!

Keep strong xx

dancingfeet

tiggy I'm so sorry to hear you are yet another one who has joined the betrayed grans club and thank you for your concerns.
Do not, whatever you do, blame yourself for his actions and I wish you lots of strength and courage with whatever you decide to do.
I am still caught up with indecision and the roller coaster of grief associated with the loss of everything I believed in after now, 46 years of marriage.
Although my H would do everything he could to undo the damage and is overwhelmed with guilt, the trust has gone and I look at him sometimes and don't know who he is.
I spend lots of time on my own as it gives me peace. This is the way I want it, so to some extent I am calling the shots and trying to build up my strength in order to make a sound decision when the time is right.
I have recently had some very good counselling (privately)and I continue to pursue my own path of personal development which has been one good thing to come out of all of this. I have also had some good support from GN and find it such a useful source of information and knowledge.
I am not happy with my own indecisiveness and often wonder where I would be now, emotionally and practically if I had called it a day immediately, instead of dragging it on, but I did and I'm doing the best I can. There is never one plan that will fit all.
Thank you all and I apologise for my silence, but I have so little free time running the house and an acre of garden, especially during the summer months, on my own.
Healing takes a long time.

Tiggy, Whenim is right. It needs to be on your terms. It will only make a marriage stronger if the betrayer is prepared to work really hard to repair the damage done. I hope he will do that for you, if he can remove the threat of the other woman, there could be a chance it will work out. Good luck

Thank you, gransnetters, for your support, I am sorry, Nemo nan, you are going through a similar experience. It's quite awful, but either makes a marriage stronger or falls apart, important not to get stuck in the middle, a really bad place to be ! no self blaming and stay strong as Gransnetters say. do not sell yourself short, and if you don't want to put up with it, DON'T ! Just hope I can walk the walk and not talk the talk.
Take care everyone, I wonder how Dancing feet is getting on ?

I don`t t hink you can look for blame in this situation.

Some Men will always stray and guess they are easily flattered.

It is certainly not right to look for self blaming.#

When things go wrong it is tempting to try and see why.

Is hard to understand why some women put up with being betrayed but I guess if it works for them who are we to disagree.

I think I would find it very hard to forgive. So hard once the trust has gone.
Do hope that you can make it work Tiggy it seems like was a good marriage if together 20 years sorry have got that right?
Please do not beat yourself up with self blame.

Do hope you can work it through will take long while to rebuid the trust I am reckoning. very best of luck with it.

tiggy We Gransnetters wish to do our bit to support you throughout this testing time. I agree with when's wise words.

Dancing feet ,is it time to tell your family? Have you or your husband sat and thrashed all this out yet or is he unwilling? I do not know how old you are but maybe ,Age UK ,may know of good counsellors able to assist . I would not yet make any major decisions untill you are really over the initial shock.

Dancingfeet Some mental health charities offer free counselling /support which can provide a safe space to articulate your needs /feelings etc. It seems important to invest time and energy in your recovery from this devastating blow regardless of how you eventually choose to proceed with your relationship. I wish you well as you embark on this difficult journey and believe that you will find resolution and peace.

tiggy, this has turned into a destructive relationship. He is trying to make you believe you are responsible for his turning to another woman. Don't believe it. He is entirely responsible for his own behaviour.

I feel for you tiggy, I am going through a similar situation myself at the moment. The support from GN is brilliant and it really does help when you start to think it might be all your fault. Stay strong and look after yourself.

Tiggy, I feel for you, you are in a very difficult situation, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, I have been there too. Be strong and take your time to make up your mind. That way you will look back and know that you didn't act in haste whatever you decide to do. Take care of yourself x

Thanks whenim64, wise words, indeed it must be on my terms, but to be in this situation for any length of time will be very difficult, and a time limit is going to have to be put in place, but of course the longer it drags on the firmer I will be in my mind that this is not the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. I hope those that have written are ok. Love to you all x

If you decide to end it tiggy you will have peace of mind and control of your own life. I can recommend living singly. I hope you are able to make your decision soon, and don't have to agonise over someone who doesn't deserve another thought from you. Lots of people make mistakes and then commit to their relationship again, and in those circumstances maybe trying again is worth the effort. If you decide to stick with it, it should be on your terms. Good luck x

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your support. It really helps.
This is my second marriage that is going pear shaped. First marriage lasted twelve years and finished for the same reason, another woman ! So I suppose I want to save this marriage, I can't believe it has happened again! But as eleg ran says, I am worth better than this. I won't give up yet, then at least I will know that I tried, but I really never expected this, after twenty years of being together. I am thinking is it really all my fault, mustn't think like that. But there is the issue of ' will I ever trust him again' probably not. He has a mountain to climb, but I don't think he sees it that way! We will see !

If he can't do without her, then he should be man enough to throw in his lot with her completely. If he wants you to stay by his side as you have all these years, then he should say goodbye to his lady friend.

I don't know how she feels about this - she seems good enough to be in almost continuous contact with, but not good to make her the one and only - but in my opinion he is not acting fairly by either of his women. He wants his bread buttered on both sides.

First collect all the evidence, so that you have a strong hand should you wish to divorce him. Then ask him to choose how he wants his life to be in future. Set a deadline, and keep to it. After that he is either with you or with her.

Be strong. You are worth better than this.

tiggy Be strong and do what is best for you, only you know what your feelings are towards him and how much you will put aside to hold onto your relationship, but don't sell yourself short you deserve better .

Tiggy, you must make your own decision, but if a man told me that he could not give up another woman, his suitcases would be on the step and the locks changed next time he went to visit her. Do you really think he is now ever going to be faithful to you? Will you ever be able to trust him? Read what the other members have said and done - you can manage without him.

I am amazed at the number of posts on this subject. Ten pages long !
But here I am, writing to you all. Six weeks ago my husband confessed to
Me that he was seeing someone, (having told my daughter the day before, she was not pleased ) after 20 years of marriage I never suspected as he is not a ladies man at all. I was gob-smacked to say the least. Of course it was all my fault and he hadn't been happy for the past four years. But if it was ok he would carry on seeing her and life wouldn't really change for me, well, would you believe that, I was in shock, he continued to see her, telling me when he was going to see her and thought that would be fine, telling me all about her and how he cared for her very much. I suppose this went on for a couple of weeks, I then had sight of his mobile phone bill, phone calls and texts every day, he came in from seeing the OW and I was so angry with him, told him
I would not accept this behaviour and if rebuilding our marriage was possible he would have to tell her it is all over, well, twice he went to tell her, with my knowledge, and twice he said he could not end it. I am waiting for hIm to decide either her or me, but it's strange, I am now feeling I don't want to be with him, he has gone away on his own to sort himself out, but I can't understand how he blames everyone but himself ! I think that is the most upsetting thing. And this has been said In The previous posts. Feels like a complete muddle and I am sea with it all

My ex has everyone thinking that he is the greatest thing that ever walked the earth. No one believes that he would do these things. I must say that I was shocked when I realized what was going on and every day as I discovered more of his secrets it was another punch in the gut. I spent six weeks living with him pretending that nothing was wrong while I got proof of his nonsense. I hacked into his email accounts and copied his credit card statements. I found proof of gifts, trips, hookers, and other unmentionable perversions. I lost so much weight and he never said a word. Once I saw the photos of his girlfriend in my house, I couldn't eat at home. It took almost a year before I would eat at home again. Even after all the lies he told me and all the sneaking around, I felt guilty for how I snooped and surprised him with the papers. He used company funds to pay for his affairs. He didn't read the divorce papers until he got on the plane. That is when he figured out that I knew. He sent emails from every stop to beg me to talk to him. I didn't respond. He cancelled his trip to Hawaii with his gal pal and came back crying that he would lose his job. He never spent another night in my home. His girlfriend wrote to me to tell me how much of a Christian she is and how her relationship with my ex was more about friendship than sex and that she always encouraged him to come back to me. I asked her why she thought I would want him after being with her.