I found husband looking at internet porn

I suppose my overriding question would be to all males/females who indulge in online surfing of this subject would be- define porn. The how, the what and the why! Not, I think, a subject for this forum.

Overall, my personal view would be that it goes to a place that most people would find unacceptable.

mishap, Gramps has given no indication that he feels the need to change his behaviour - rather, he is justifying his position. Of course he wouldn't want any member of his family to be involved in the making of porn - what man would? It may be hypocritical, but he's not denying that.

I agree about the irrelevance of sex toys for women in this discussion. I don't think they come under the definition of 'porn', Gramps.

As for your comment re previous threads on here, I am so tempted to ask "which bit of GRANS-net do you not understand".

But I know grandads seem to be welcome on here. (A policy I do not agree with)

How can you be so hypocritical - and freely admit to it! So it's alright for other women to be exploited, but not members of your family?

Incredible.

Go and look at the pictures in Pompeii . There's no need to exploit modern women!
Even I was amazed!!!
My dd bought me a calendar of the "erotic art of Pompeii" as a present. We also visited the camera segredo? Sp in the Naples museum together.
Bestiallity rather than 'normal' porn seemed to be what the Romans enjoyed. Modern porn is quite boring in comparison.
I suspect it is the secrecy that gives men the thrill?
But then I'm female, so, how would I know?

Lots of things went on in antiquity gramps that we would not wish to see now - beheading, stoning, hanging etc.

I cannot see any connection between porn and sex toys - they are inanimate objects and their use is a matter of personal choice. No-one's sons or daughters are being exploited and degraded.

Maybe your recognition of the hyposcrisy of your behaviour is a good step forward. Will it change your behaviour? The fact that you would not want any members of your family involved implies a recognition that there is something not quite right about all this.

Porn can be a relationship wrecker - you admit your OH hates it. I do not think I could continue to do something that my OH hated. I would hope that we might find some way forward that was a compromise and left no-one unhappy.

Do your PD drugs have an influence here? - I know well the sort of problems that they can cause.

Good points gramps And, yes, hyprocritcal, but you are being honest!

I hope that we men have not outstayed our welcome by trying to show another side to the discussion.
I might just add two more points.

1/ Pornography goes back in antiquity, of course they didn't have modern media then, but it has always existed. There is nothing "new" in this world regarding human behavior!

2/ Viewing a page here recently, the question of "Ladies toys" was discussed. How does this compare with the recent chat on here? As always, there is more than one side to every question!! lol

AND, I would not want any of my family , or friends to be involved in any form of porn! (So, I'm a hypocrite, ehh ?!!!)

A little light-hearted banter sometimes helps to take the sting out of a serious subject. There can be a funny side to it, and even a positive outcome. pinkhater would probably be cheered up if she witnessed some of the comments people have made about men ogling porn. If you think about it, they really can look ridiculous. I remember seeing a Ricky Gervais 'Extras' programme where he walked in on Barry 'enjoying' some porn in the office - it was hilarious to see the look of embarrassment on both their faces.

I'm not being rude. Just saying.

Oh yes. I'm sure she was was very interesting in our replies, quite a few posts back.

green Thank you. I've been worrying myself sick. That's what I do...

I think perhaps pinkhater may have very much cared what we think, jingle. For her to be able to read our comments and see that many of us feel the same as she does, will surely help her come to terms with her own feelings. It may have been quite difficult for her to make the post in the first place, but I hope we've helped her a little bit. (and soop, I don't think pinkhater would see your replies as anything other than light-hearted!)

I think you might be right Jingle

That's a relief. I was beginning to feel bad.

I think pinkhater stopped caring what we think, long ago.

pinkhater I apologise if my response to a matter that has caused you some discomfort, seemed glib and uncaring. I loathe pornography and wish to goodness that the world could rid itself of such ugliness. Sadly, we do not live in an ideal world. I ask myself how would I react if I happened across my husband viewing such rubbish on the computer. I would be HURT and ANGRY, even though I know beyond a shadow of doubt that he truly loves me. I would have to ask him to resist the temptation because if he continued, I would feel tainted. I sympathise with you. I do not wish to point the finger at the men who have confessed to using porn sites...I just wish that, like me, they could be turned on by the romance of beautiful music, art, literature - or films such as 'Brief Encounter' but that isn't going to happen.
On reading this message through, I seem not to be making sense. If so, I offer a double apology.

Yes - I agree whenim64.

I am also aware how hard it must be for pinkhater to find the support she needs - it is not something that one can easily share with family or friends, so hopefully gransnetters can be by her side while she resolves this. Here she can be anonymous.

It is so difficult to extrapolate men's views about porn from those of wider society. A psychologist colleague did his PhD on this issue, in the development of the use of the PPG (penile plethysmograph - it's a strain gauge that measures arousal) in treatment of sex offenders.

Global results from testing control groups in the general population show that men are generally aroused to explicit sexual images, whether they objectify women or not. The UK gives the same results. It's not just our culture that colludes with the porn industry, and men are socialised into benignly accommodating arousal material, even those who can intellectualise about the negative issues. It seems their instinctive sexual drive can override their logic when provocative sexual images are presented to them.

People who work with sex offenders have to learn that their bodies may respond by becoming aroused when they are reading accounts of sexual abuse, as there is a natural drive to reframe sexual behaviour into our own happy experiences - it's as though our bodies are betraying us by doing this - this is why treatment therapists need good supervision and debriefing, and they have to learn distancing strategies so they are not drawn in by these accounts, especially when reading statements that attempt to convince the authorities that the acts were consensual and loving, which they clearly were not.

It's all a bit of a minefield and ethical guidelines and training help us to differentiate between worrying behaviour and ignorance. Most men who like to look at porn come into the latter category and don't think they are harming anyone. Some education about the issues usually effects a change.

Let us hope that pinkhater can find a way of sharing her concerns with OH and finding a positive way to move on. It is hard to do that to begin with when feelings are raw and the temptation is to be accusatory and angry.

The survey results are published on line Jingle but come from a variety of sources. I Googled 'statistics on men using internet porn' and a wealth of results came up.

mishap I agree with you personally and from a professional perspective. However, this is a new set of circumstances for pinkhater and her partner has yet to respond to her concerns if she chooses to express them to him. We all learn things that change our views, and maybe he will be educated about the wider issues if he is given the chance to process them.

whenim64 - we do indeed live in a culture that colludes with the porn industry - that is my concern about gramps' posting - it is all so "cosy" - he really seems to think that there are no wider implications.

I do think that pinkhater has a challenge on her hands here and that we all need to offer her lots of support in her task of coming to terms with something about her partner that has disturbed her - and it is doubly hard to feel that someone you thought you knew so well has another side to them that you did not know about.

Wishing you well - but do not beat yourself up about your reaction - I am sure that there are enough posts here that tell you that others would share your concern. I have seen this scenario before in my professional life and do know that it an be resolved. You are facing the weight of the media and of male indifference to the real implications of these sites, as well as your own domestic situation - so it will be a challenge. But you have to be yourself with your own thoughts and worries, and not feel that there is any right or wrong response. It is your feelings that matter - and you may need to share these with your OH.

Ah. I was taking it that the surveys were done online. In which case it wouldn't be a true picture of all men. And, of course, they wouldn't have been.

I wonder where the surveys were done?

I haven't said all men use the internet Jingle. I said that some men do use it for porn. There are some well known celebs who proudly boast how much they enjoy porn, and one would think they were far too busy, judging by the amount of time they crop up on TV and appear to have hectic lives. However, porn is used in quite a different way by some men, as already described by some of the male Gransnetters.

By the way, it was interesting to learn that IVF clinics have a ready supply of soft porn for prospective fathers to use when providing their sperm samples!

There's a difference between looking at porn and using it as it "helps me satisfy my needs". Eeuurghh! We don't need to know that.

64 Not all men use the internet. Not by long way.

Perhaps it's only a certain type of man who finds the time to do so. Perhaps one without enough hobbies and interests in his life?

Obsessions Hobbies are fantastic at keeping men out of mischief.