My daughter's boyfriend has been hurting her and I'm so worried about it.

I think it is good that Carol's daughter can talk to her about this. When you are inside a relationship you see the problems from a subjective basis, but someone else, even your Mum, has a more objective view and can see the big picture. Women, well most women I think, would expect their Mum to say what she thinks.

I certainly would say what I thought. In fact my basic inclination would be to send a posse of the men in the family after the bastard and sort him out. But I wouldn't. You can get arrested for that! Alas!

I hate "calm down, dear" too. Also "bless"!

It's not contradictory. I don't think there is anything this mother can do except advise her daughter. Which is what I said.

I absolutely hate that "calm down dear". It is insulting.

Sorry Grannylin. Was a tad stroppy.

It is a somewhat contradictory post J . You seem to be a tad "firing on all guns" at the moment.
It is Ok grannylin I don't need defending , well on this occasion anyway

sickly sweet

to you too

That is a silly comment.

Pathetic in fact, being as it's from a television advert.

Think of something more original.

Of course she has! Calm down, dear!

Have you read my post? I did say the mother can advise her against going back to him. I'm all for that. Advise her vehemently!

I disagree jo4. Mostly it is better to keep schtum when it comes to other people's relationships. Especially one's kids. In a perfect world.
There are a few times though when one should maybe take a risk and say what one thinks.
I wish my mother had at least tried to talk me out of getting married the first time and/or when it got to the point where he was sometimes hitting me, I wish she had given me a forthright talking to, rather than saying something vague - like "you could leave" (if memory serves me right. it was a long time ago)

It is possible, maybe, to do this without getting into criticising the partner/ex
e.g. this relationship is not making either of you happy
But frankly, such men are dangerous and it should not be treated just like a normal breakup.

Your daughter is twenty. Isn't it up to her what to do about this? She is not married to him and they have no children. If she is silly enough to go back to him knowing full well what he is like, there is nothing you can do about it.

Of course you can advise her, and let her know she will always have a safe home with you. After that, it is up to her.

I appreciate it is very worrying for you, but, so long as there are never any children involved, there is nothing you can do.

Hi Carol I've been away from the site for a while but have just seen your message andd the support you've received from the lovely people.

I manage a domestic abuse charity and the behaviour you describe is certainly the power and control of abuse. We have whole programmes for young women in unhealthy or controlling relationships even if they don't recognise the difficulties or want to admit to them. The hiddenhurt which has already been mentioned is excellent and so is www.womensaid.org.uk. She could also look at 'spiralling' on You tube.
She is really lucky to have you to support her. You may need a bit of support yourself and you can get this by phone from your local women's aid - it may be named something different in your area. You can remain anonymous if you want. I don't know what area in the uk you are in but if you want any more help, i'm happy to help if i can.

Suuze

nellie Your experience is a shocking dereliction of duty by the police. It is pitiful treatment, and I am sorry to read it.

I would like to see domestic violence units with special liaison staff in all police forces across the country.

There is definitely room for improvement but the areas they are covering with the manpower, limited resources,and low morale I cannot see how things will improve,unfortunately mine isn't an isolated incident,one officer was so disillusioned and told us of many cases,he left to work with the met,halfway through our case jess

Goodness me that is awful nellie - they were full of talk about how they have improved on radio yesterday...

How awful for you both. She really should report it. As others have said he will continue to behave like this, does she want another girl to suffer too? Not all abusers come from an abused background, sometimes they are just rotten people. Luckily, the police are trained nowadays in this sort of thing and would not dismiss her claims out of hand. Good luck to you both

Essex police have a poor reputation and low morale for officers,having been involved in a long running case due to my daughters case,re domestic violence,vital evidence was lost,my family liaison officer,accompanied me to identify her body,and literally dumped me outside the mortuary saying ",right we have had a busy weekend with 4 murders,"and disappeared never to be seen again,we never had a replacement,we eventually got to court 3 years later,never having had a liaison officer,no one could give us protection,as we where being stalked and hounded,and one night after calling 999 where told no one was available,changes and shift patterns,in staffing meant no one would get back to you with information,Essex police are a joke....I could go on...

Essex police yesterday were criticised in this area for not doing enough to save 2 lives.
They commented that they get 88 reports a day and it is now taking a quarter of their manpower. Which must, surely, make it their largest single area of crime.
For years women kept quiet about it and police brushed it aside.

Any news, Carol?

carol123 your poor DD being worried about getting his breakfast right,he must be very controlling towards her and if she is still in education as you mentioned this lifestyle will not do her career prospects any good at all she must move away from it asap.I would personally not have him staying in my house even if they try to make a go of it again and I would let him know why.keep strong best wishes.

carol123 - I am pleased you have become more informed about domestic violence, but very sad that you have had to do so. It's terrible to endure and terrible to sit on the sidelines, but your daughter has made a big step in talking about it, as I've mentioned before.
Continue to gather as much info. as you can, as this will give you the insight you need to continue in the strength and support you offer to your daughter.

He told her counselling was too expensive and he couldnt help having a bad temper I meant to say. I truely feel like hurting him as hes hurt my girl which is not like me to feel violent at all.
I have looked at all the websites now and learned a lot about this that I didnt know before so at least I feel prepared for the next episode if it happens. Her personality is changing - she seemed very worried about getting his breakfast cooked perfect the last time he stayed here which is not like her at all - usually it will just do or he could do it himself if u know what I mean.
Thanks to you all for your support in this and your kind words. Carol x

She talked to him about it and he fobbed her off by saying he couldnt afford it as its too expensive - hes always been a liar throughout the relationship - but shes only just told me about the violence. I dont even think shes told me half of what went on really yet.
They are apart at the moment but the longest shes ever stayed away from him is 2 weeks so I dont hold out much hope.

Me too pogs if only........

With you all the way POGS - if anyone abused one of my 3 DDs I would be hard put to it to control myself. Thank goodness carol123 that you DD has you around and that she has told you what has been going on; but it must all be so worrying for you.