Being a paternal grandmother

My Dil has a very fraught relationship with her mum and has told me repeatedly how much she appreciates me. I'm close to both sons and close to my grandson too. I see the little man every day and very much included in his life.

I'm a future first time paternal grandmother of DS and DIL expecting identical twin girls in December. They are moving to be near her mother who has 3 other GC, I'm 6 hours by car away, one hour by plane but can't fly because of the pandemic. I'm also older than other GP. I'm already worried about being sidelined. Anyone in similar situation or able to give advice?

I'm a paternal granny and have a good friendship with my DiL and DS2's long-time partner. I knew both of them for some time before they settled down and developed a relaxed rapport with them. When DiL and DS1 were getting together, they were working for a holiday company running ski hotels in Switzerland. I went out to visit, staying in her hotel and eating in his. I think she was quite nervous of me when she met me at Martigny station, but we were soon on excellent terms. The last three summers they have asked me to go on holiday with them in the caravan and again this year they are taking me with them to Provence. I said to DS that not many DiLs would want to spend three weeks on holiday with MiL and he told me I had become 'a family tradition'! I also spend time with the other son's family and love being with his partner whom I first met when they were both students. I was with her when she went into labour with her second and took her to the hospital to meet up with DS2 and then had the job of taking howling toddler home without his mum and dad!

Good advice NewNana - I too am a maternal granny and I always make special efforts to greet my son in law and have a chat with him too (it's not hard, he's quite lovely).

I'm a maternal nana (6 months in) and the paternal nana is forever on about being excluded - to the point where I often feel rather irritated. A lot of the trouble stems from her 'insisting' on seeing GD - and leaves the new mummy feeling excluded, herself. Her focus is on seeing GD - even to the point where she will ring her son and ask him to visit with GD on their own, and will openly criticise the new mummy and her child rearing ideas. I know we're all delighted when baby arrives on a visit - but when they arrive, try not to rush & gush over new baby. Take 10 mins, to greet the new mummy and really focus on her, how well and happy she looks and demonstrate that this young woman is as important to you as the little baby in her arms. Be prepared to listen to all your DiL's self doubts and worries - but only offer an opinion when directly asked - and even then, remember that we are 20+ years out of date and ideas have changed. And when the new family leave after a lovely visit - tell your DiL how much you've enjoyed seeing her and what a great job she's doing in raising her (emphasis on 'her') baby.

I was the sole grandparent for eight of my ten grandchildren, but then my daughter , who had four children already, married a wonderful young man and has two more children with him. His parents were incredible, accepting their four step-grandchildren whole-heartedly. Far from being jealous I was delighted that my gc had somebody else to love and cherish them. The in-laws lived in the same village and eventually moved next door to my DD, but they never interfered and were just very loving and helpful. Sadly, my DDs mother-in-law is now in a care home, suffering from dementia. She does not know that they now live in New Zealand.
I was present at the births of two of that daughter's children (without the father, who preferrred to be out somewhere) and one of my other daughter's four births. That daughter's MIL was a total nightmare, who considered her not good enough for her precious son and did everything she could to wreck the marriage.
Like my own ex-husband, she has never shown any interest in the gc, or bought them so much as a rattle.
I don't have any sons, but my sister has four, and has a good relationship with only one DIL but unfortunately that couple live in Scotland and my sister lives in Manchester and does not drive. However, they send her the plane fare every couple of months and we both spent Christmas with them and her DIL's family. Another DIL was very off-hand with her own mother and did not want her present at the births either, so my sister did not feel so excluded. However, those two grandsons are now 21 and 19 and often call to see their paternal grandmother.
I don't think there are any rules - every person, every family, every relationship is different. What is most important is not to view grandparenting as a competition - the gc need as many loving adults in their lives as possible. Normally, it will be natural for a young mother to want her own mother close when she has a baby, but that does not mean that her MIL will be less important in the children's lives.

I'm a paternal granny and it's been fine, even though we live four or five hours away we see lots of the grandchildren. My son was the main support during both births even though my daughter in law's mum was helping too and is very close to her.
Anxiousgran has your grandchild arrived yet? Hope all is well.

My DD2's children, whenever they make an appearance, will never know their paternal grandparents and I know that when the time comes there will be sadness as well as joy because of this. My DSil loved his parents and it's hard for him I think knowing what they have missed.
I find it hard to understand those who allow their own feelings of jealousy and insecurity to mar family relationships.
Life is just too short and children are just too precious

I am fortunate that the other mutual grandparents of my other DGC are all equal in the parents' eyes. In fact one of my best friends is grandmother to my two eldest GC - the couple are no longer together but are fairly amicable - my friend and I have never fallen out. Also my DS is now married to another very best and departed friend and I have known the girl since she was a bump. It is so lovely that it all seems to have come full circle and I can keep a motherly eye on my dear friend's daughter.

I feel very lucky. I am both a maternal and paternal grandmother and get on well with both sets of other grandparents as well as the respective partners. My DD lives close by so veers towards us in times of need though her expartners family generously help out too - as does her ex who keeps very much in the frame which is lovely. I visit for cups of tea and cake from time to time.
My DS and his partner live a few miles away so I don't see them so often but feel very comfortable when I do. We get on very well and have made time to have their little ones one day a week so they get to know us and we get to know them and we babysit from time to time. Fortunately I get on well too with the other grandma - she's a lot younger than I am. I felt that she had priority over her grandchildren and didn't push myself forward. Since then we have had fun together at the children's parties and on other occasions although we're quite different people really. It makes for a great atmosphere even though we don't see each other much.

Flowerofthewest, I have had similar experiences. My son did not get on with his partner's mother. She was there at the birth of their daughter and actually told my son he was useless and in the way, he admitted to me that he has felt constantly undermined and pushed out, although verbally he did give as good as he got and his relationship with his "monster-in-law" broke down a while ago. Other things she has done was to have my granddaughter's ears pierced at six months without consulting my son, arrange a baptism, again without any consultation, even though neither she nor her daughter practice, we didn't go can't stand these vulgar displays merely for effect. She also said in front of both myself, my husband and her daughter in our home, when our grandchild was a few months old, she would be taking her abroad later that year on holiday with her and her husband. When her own daughter remonstrated with her saying she felt the baby would be too young to be away without her parents, she replied "we'll see about that". In short she is proprietorial with our mutual grandchild and a thoroughly unpleasant and over bearing person. I am very happy to see our granddaughter when we have her once a week, I do not want to be her surrogate mother. The other grandmother and her husband are playing mothers and fathers vicariously as they didn't have children together. I see myself as a grandmother one step back. I intend to be true to myself and be the grandparent I want to be and not compete with her for the number one position because clearly she feels that belongs to her.

This brought some memories, When my eldest DS was expecting their first baby he made a special visit to me to say that his wife (now ex) had asked him to tell me that her mother was the primary grandparent and I was the secondary grandmother. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I told him that I would love the child as much as her mother and that I would always be there for the child. I had never heard of anything so ridiculous and told him so. At family gathering it was so obvious that we were second in command in her families eyes. In fact at the little girl's Christening my mother asked if she could hold the baby, the ex DILs father snatched the baby out of my mother's arms stating She is not a parcel to be passed around. My children see all the grandparents as equal. My eldest now has two more little boys from his new relationship and we are all seen as equal. In fact she has shown her true colours by excluding my son and all of our family from the childrens' lives.

Oh anxiousgran I can totally understand why you are worried but these things often have ways of sorting themselves out in the end. I am a paternal grandma to my sons 3 children. My DIL's mum is very different to me, we have nothing in common whatsoever . This works well as it means we each have our own special qualities to give the children.

I hope everything works out for you and your family. I am sure it will.

I've just caught up with this thread after a few days away from the pc. This is a wonderful site and it's reassuring to read such thoughtful and sensible messages from grandmothers with experience. I hope anxiousgran hasn't been too worried by some of the stories here and I hope her whole family will join in sharing the love when the baby arrives. By the way, although I am pretty much shut out of my own grandchildren's life, I have been "adopted" by a young friend who has two delightful children, 7 and 5. Her parents live about 20 miles away but show little interest in their GC so I get my "fix" of love and cuddles there. Their loss is my gain.

GrannyGalactica I was sad for you but at least you have two other sons. I hope they don't marry such rude women as your daughter in law.

My son and his family live a 2 1/2 hour plane ride away, plus a five hour drive. My DIL calls on me when they needed someone to stay with my GS 6 while my GS 4 was in hospital last year, her mother was working and my son said I am always reliable. The night before the operation DIL was telling GS that Grandma would look after him while they were away overnight he turned around and said, "I am glad you will be here Grandma." His other Grandma who was lives about half an hour away and was over for dinner was the one standing behind him, when he realised he leant past her, looked at me and said, "I mean you Grandma."

My DIL has told me I am a hit with GS4 too, he talks about me a lot and wants to be with me when I visit. At Christmas when my son and DIL picked my youngest daughter, her husband, her children and me up at the airport in two cars I had to go with DIL in her car. DIL told me I was the one the boys were waiting to see and had been talking about. GS4 had told her a few days before my visit they should go to the airport because Grandma might be there. He had been asking her every day when would I arrive. I only see them about twice a year and we only talk on FaceTime about once a month.

I really think it isn't how much you see them, but how much you love them that matters the most.

Hello anxiousgran and welcome to grandmothers club!.

I am a paternal grandma to my younger son's five children.I have no daughters and my older son has no children.
When my first grandchild who is now 21 was born I was quite prepared to take a back seat to DILs mother but I soon found out I was the one who took first place.DS2 and his now ex-wife had three children together and I was the grandmother who did childminding when their mother was working when I was not at work myself.The tables were turned when son and his wife divorced when oldest DGD was 6 and youngest 2.She denied my son acess(sp) to his children and he had to take her to court to be able to see his children.During these two years my DH and myself had no contact either and this nearly broke my heart.This proves that no one should ever take their grandchildren for granted.It was the happiest day of my life when I got to see them again and they stayed with us when DS saw them which was alternate weekends.
By this time my DS had found a new partner, they had a son together, got married and then had a daughter.They all live with me and DH along with DS's youngest daughter from his first marriage who is now 16.
DIL2 has her mother and her partner living 10 minutes drive away and they have never offered to have the grandchildren at all.DS and his wife visit them with their two children but it has to be arranged in advance and they only stay about two hours.Maternal grandma has never yet collected the children from school when DIL is working nor has she had them in school holidays.She has another daughter who has four children and the situation is the same.When her other daughter's youngest child was born 4 months ago she announced on FB ''I have become a grandmother again and now my life is complete''.
I am in my late sixties and regulary collect my 10 year old grandaughter from school and care for her and her 12 year old brother (who has autism) during school holidays.I dont mind as the experience of not seeing my older grandchildren for two years has taught me a lesson,It is getting easier now they are getting older.I see DGD3 every day of corse and the older two who are now 21 and 18 visit often.
Dont worry, you will be overjoyed when your grandchild arrives.Offer to help when you can but dont be offended by the other grandmother seeming to take first place.As you say she is your DIL's mother and they are very close but there will be times when you will be able to have care of the baby and spoil him or her.There is more to being a grandmother than being at the birth.That is just the beginning.

Statistics show that paternal grandparents are more likely to be denied contact with GC if there is dispute /separation between parents.When they are babies we never imagine this can happen but some of us know this heartbreak - so GPs don't rock the boat at an early stage.

My own mum died when I was a teenager so I hoped my MiL would be a good grandmother for my 2DDs -who also had 2 GFs+a GreatGF. However we always had to "make an appointment" just to visit her+GF(or have them visit us)even though they only lived a few miles away+had 2cars. I could count on 1 hand the number of times they babysat when our DDs were growing up. Recently, BiL & SiL were reminiscing about "all the great times" their 2sons (their only other GC) had, when they went to stay with their GPs at weekends+during school hols.-This was indeed news to DH & me! Our 4GC have paternal grandmothers. One is widowed, mid 70s, lives about 80miles away from GS, cannot drive & as now in poor health can no longer visit. Sil takes GS to visit her when he can and she is loved by all her GC! Our other 3GC have younger grandmother (55) who lives just a few miles away from them, has never babysat, never visits, sometimes sends very 'babyish' cards (even to 18yr old recently!)-but never a Birthday or Christmas present, never phones GC or SiL. Now has new GD (by her younger son) who is "Apple of her eye"-according to her own FB page.Youngest of our 3GC (age 9) does not even know what she looks like, as not seen her for at least 5years! As 'they' say -'There's nowt as queer as folk'. We love ALL out GC dearly and they are all delightful - even the 2 teenagers! So to all of you -YOU are all EQUAL GRANDPARENTS-just love & treat all your grandchildren equally, no matter WHO their parents are!!

My mother was probably the last person I'd have wanted present when I was in labour. I don't think she'd have relished it either.

Having your mother at the birth ! I didn't even have DH at ours.

I am new to using gransnet and it is the first time I have ever had a chance to use a forum like this. I feel so lucky there are so many understanding women out there who have taken the time to be in touch with me.
Grannygalactica- I am so sorry you have been rather excluded. I don't think you were unreasonable to see your new grandson early in his life and I am sure you weren't in the way. I understand about the knitting you did with so much love, and I am sure they have 'found' it now amongst all the baby debris and they will definitely need it. I am knitting a lacy shawl which will probably not bear close inspection when it is done, but love is never wasted.
WhenIm64- I'm glad things are improving now in your family. We can't take on everyone's problems even when we think we should.
Gally- how wonderful that you were at your gc's births. What an honour to be asked.
Much love to everyone.

A few quite sad stories here. I try to think back to what my MIL was like (overpowering) and no be like her. My DGD,son and partner live about an hours drive from us,her mum was at the birth with my son and she looks after DGD while mum works. She's now 17 mths and lately I've been asked if I want her overnight at week end and it has been lovely, nearly 2 whole days with her. My daughter is trying to fall pregnant I can't imagine her wanting me at the birth and certainly not her MIL but I live over an hour from her and in laws stay very close. I am preparing myself to be very jealous.
I think if I thought I was being ignored I would have to say something. As for gifts hardly being looked at my DIL is a bit like that but that's more to do with rudeness than not including me.

I am a maternal granny, so the boot is on the other foot. Two of my daughters live very near to their PILs, one in the other half of the house. They are all very considerate when I visit and although initially I felt a little put out, I soon came to realise that it's a good situation all round. They tend to make themselves scarce when I visit so I can have my 'turn' with the gc's. The 3rd PILs live some 100 miles away from DD (I am 400 miles away) and our paths rarely cross. My only gripe would be that DD and family tend to visit them more often for holidays and only visit me when it coincides with something else - wedding, work, party, but I do understand that logistics come into it. I was present at the births of 3 gc's at the request of DD (in Oz )and her husband. He was very squeamish and was reassured to have me present so there was never any problem between us. Luckily we get on just fine

grannygalactica I felt for you when I read your story. My son and his family live fairly close so I make the effort as does he to keep in touch - but they are so busy with their own lives (grandson is the only one I will ever have) that it is difficult to maintain the closeness one once had - particularly if there is no 'paternal grandad' on your side.
hope you enjoy your new grandchild.

I am paternal grandmother to two boys, one nearly 13 and the other just born on Monday. I have always been really close to the eldest, who was my first grandchild, but the relationship with ex-DIL was really hard to navigate, as she was abusive and has an alcohol problem. They divorced last year, with much acrimony, and she prevented my son and me from seeing grandson for a few months. It's all fine again now (for us) - she has another baby and is exchanging hostile allegations with the potential father.

My son has a new, happy relationship and a new baby. DIL is a normal, loving woman who is generous with her own time and access to the baby. She is like a daughter already. Her mum and dad live very near, so will see my grandson most days. I feel totally included, and my son is so different now he is not constantly treading on eggshells. My elder grandson is welcomed into her family, and he is quite relaxed about things.

I do think that DILs are naturally going to lean towards their mums, but they shouldn't be encouraged to exclude paternal grandparents, and one of my other daughters has her MIL living just a few doors away. She minds our two grandaughters, and does a great job. I don't feel any jealousy. I can call in whenever I want to see them, and she makes me welcome. We will take the children to the library and nursery rhyme sessions together.

If I thought either of my daughters would exclude the paternal grandparents for no good reason, I would be mortified. They both assert that they would not do such a callous thing. They see the benefits of all grandparents being on the scene as much as they can.