Does sexual fidelity matter?

Since statistics have indicated that quite a few people, both men and women, have had affairs, where are they all on Gransnet? Or are we more virtuous than the general population?

I THINK IT IS ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL AND SHOWS RESPECT FOR SOMEONE YOU PROFESS TO LOVE,SUCH A PITY THAT MORALS SEEM TO HAVE DISAPPEARED ALONG WITH COMMITMENT AND CARE

I don't think it is an age thing. People have always had affairs, but it may be easier for women now most of them go out to work. I know my daughter would never be unfaithful to her lovely husband (but then, he is 6' 6", very handsome, kind, funny, and a good provider! And he is good to his MIL!)

When I found out that my partner of 19 years had been having an affair for 3 years it wasn't the sex part of their relationship that upset me.
It was the fact that she had been introduced to friends; he spent time at her house; he obviously had some sort of relationship with her children.
This was far more personal than sex.

hochiwich - thank goodness you find a way and the strength + support to leave when you did. You are right, it is impossible to imagine what it must be like, and I have been extremely lucky. I always think that I would have had the courage to leave had I found myself in such a situation - but of course I will never know, and for that I will be eternally grateful.

What I was asking/wondering is about an excellent relationship, where the sexual side suddenly goes out of the window for some terrible reason - would it be worth putting that great relationship under threat 'just' for sexual gratification, and the hurt associated, etc, or not. I have several friends who have had strokes, or terrible accidents (both female and male) - did their partner wonder sexually or not? Should they, would they?

I think personally I'd rather let go of that side of thing to keep the rest and not hurt my partner- but again, I hope I'll never know.

bookdreamer I don't think all young people feel like that. I am sure my DSs think fidelity is very, very important. I cannot imagine any of them cheating on their partner. I am sure you are right in some cases.

granjura, I never thought I had a choice. When I married I married for better or worse. And for the children of course. Once they were all over 21 I felt less guilty about leaving. And then only because I was persuaded by a) my doctor, and b) marriage guidance, that I should leave for the sake of my sanity. Also I was given the opportunity of somewhere to go. I felt by then completely defeated, and had no sense of self worth left. Anyone who has never been in this position will not understand how low you can go in a marriage. It took every ounce of strength I could muster to walk out but it's the best thing I ever did.

hochiwich - in this case, why stay with the man if it was so miserable? For the children?

I am talking about a wonderful relationship, but where the sexual side becomes impossible for a reason or another- like illness or accident. I suppose the partner who becomes incapacitated could do the very generous thing to say 'OK I can't anymore - so be free to enjoy your sexuality elsewhere' - but it could be very hurtful. Not sure I could be so generous myself. It would be hard enough to accept ones disability, and then also let your partner go? I have NO idea how I would react, I have to say.

I think fidelity is the ideal. However, we are but human. I remained faithful to my ex for 25 miserable, wretched, years. Not that I didn't have offers, I did, but I "did my duty" by him. Kept my vows. I don't think he did but it was my choice to do so. And sometimes wonder why I bothered, as it turned out that he had never believed our second child was his anyway! Much later, after being divorced for many years, I met with a man whose wife hadn't been intimate with him for ten years. He had always just put up with it, but we became very close and had an affair. I'm not proud of it, but neither am I ashamed. He would never have cheated on her if their marriage had been a full one, indeed I wouldn't have condoned it. In fact there came a day when she, having talked with her friends, decided that she was being unfair to him and wanted them to be a "normal" married couple again. He asked me if that would make a difference, and I had to say yes, it would. That was the end of the affair. I have often thought that she'd twigged to something happening, though he was convinced she had no idea, and that's why she made a change. Should he have put up with a joyless marriage indefinitely? Should he have told her and broken up the marriage? I don't know and I don't have the right to judge.

ps It takes two to tango.

No I don't remember that sort of life; I didn't get married until 1978 and had had previous sexual relationships, including with my husband.

Some men fall madly in love with a prostitute - remember John Profumo - but in general it is a quick and loveless transaction which some wives might find less hurtful than a long affair.

Prostitute - very definitely.

Porn - not sure

Would a man visiting a prostitute count as infidelity?

Or using online porn?

absent I personally could not imagine a situation where a physical relationship between two individuals could not be perfected to the satisfaction of both no matter how disasterous it might at first appear to be. Remember when we were young and first married in the 40's, 50's and 60's? We didn't live together first so had to learn to please each other as time went on as young marrieds, we earnt each others trust and affection and were honest with each other and not surprisingly the physical side of the marriage perfected itself.
If you are saying this is not always the case then perhaps the honest thing to do would be to part company. That is of course only my opinion but I still maintain if we are honest and open with each other and communicate our needs then I cannot forsee a problem which might suggest the need for infidelity. Maybe I'm old fashioned, if I am then I would wish to stay that way. I would only want to give 100% of me in every sense to one person but I am after all just a mere simple man with simple tastes and simple needs. I derive my pleasure from my partners pleasure - nothing could be simpler.

It's not really about sexual satisfaction - DIY is always an option - but about broken trust, and the development of a real relationship with an outside sexual partner that undermines the marriage.

I think promises are important.

absent I see your point and, theoretically, agree with what you say.

However, what one thinks and knows one should do and what one actually feels and does are often two different things. Rejected partners know that for the sake of their children they should not be spiteful or vengeful, but feelings are not logical and are often difficult to overcome.

Due to prevailing cultural norms it is difficult for people to separate out sex from love as we are brought up on the notion of romance and "happily ever after". Most people - myself included - would therefore find it immensely hurtful if a partner were to have a sexual relationship with someone else.

I don't know if I've missed something. I think it is a generation thing. Certainly when we took wedding vows we meant them.

However, I think marriage and their vows are now obsolete. Younger people just don't think like us. Which is fine. But why get married in a church or wherever if you don't mean the vows you are saying.

So I think sexual fidelity does matter but just to our or our previous generation and not to the present one.

I said it was a difficult one. If my partner suffered from such a terrible disability in later life - and I knew it would hurt him even more to have to accept that I chose to share my sexuality with someone else... I don't know?!? I think I'd either be VERY discreet - but then what if that sexual side with someone else developed into something else? Again, I don't know.
I'd say perhaps it would be better to seek other ways to get sexual pleasure?

granjura If a partner later on suffers from a terrible illness, like MS or another degenerative disease, or has an accident and becomes paraplegic, for instance do they have the right to decide that their partner may no longer expect, want or enjoy sexual fulfilment or even simple pleasure?

absent, that is a difficult one. But if a partner later on suffers from a terrible illness, like MS or another degenerative disease, or has an accident and becomes paraplegic, for instance- do they have to suffer the pain of their spouse seeking sexual 'fullfilment' elsewhere too?

You need to allow for the devil's advocate as well, ps

ps You can respect your partner but if the physical side of the relationship is disastrous, no matter how you try to improve it, should you just write off that part of your life? And at what age? Meanwhile, you build a happy life together of companionship, sharing and perhaps even raising children. So you find physical pleasure elsewhere and it cancels out companionship, sharing and all the other aspects of your life together? Seems unreasonable and unbalanced to me.

Just for the record, before anyone decides to comment again on my morals, I said that I didn't regard sexual fidelity as important but I didn't make a comment about what I considered right and wrong in a marriage/partnership.

So reassuring to see that most of the ladies on here believe in fidelity. Quite rightly so, (I only wish I had found one that did) to all you who do all respect and happiness to you for you obviously know the true meaning of love and respect for each other.

absent obviously, there are more important aspects to a relationship than copulation but, as that is one of the most intimate parts of a relationship, surely it is one of the worst betrayals.

I think sexual fidelity is not the single most important aspect but it is a sign that you respect your spouse/partner.

Obviously there are many aspects of marriage which are important but in this thread we are addressing sexual fidelity. It would take a long time for me to list all the aspects which have combined to make our marriage so successful and so long but one of them is respect and I would not be unfaithful as it would be disrespectful.