Betrayal - discussion

Just caught up with this thread and i agree with you nanaej when you say "Once someone lies about something significant there is a betrayal of trust" and even more when you say "A healthy relationship should be open and honest and not filled with secrets or lies." It does as ps says and display a lack of mutual respect.

Betrayal to me is a breaking of trust that is detrimental to a relationship. We are all different and our relationships are based on differing values but I think we all know right from wrong. Two ladies moaning about their respective husbands not mowing the lawn or being lazy about the house is not the same as having an affair and lying about it in order to deceive. If any action violates the trust that any relationship has then, at least to me, it must be classed as betrayal.
Having an extra marital sexual relationship, lying, deceiving and constantly belittling or harming your partner is a betrayal of the trust your partner has placed in you. It is not nice in fact I would go as far as to say it is an evil and selfish thing to do.
Mutual respect, love and trust are paramount and sacrosanct in any relationship. If they are broken then the injured party has been betrayed. Any psychological, physical or moral violation of a marriage or relationship is, in my book, a betrayal. It has happened to me and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. The results are devastating for the innocent party.
Specki Constant unwelcome criticism would be betrayal in my humble opinion but friendly criticism which both partners could laugh at would perhaps not be. I think we know what would be classed as mental cruelty as against a term of endearment.

Yes that is a significant aspect - whether or not the criticisms have already been the subject in an exchange of views between the main protagonists. If not, the person being criticised cannot defend themselves; that is key.

Actually 'criticism' is too mild a word in this case - 'untruthful disparagement' - more adequately fits the bill. We are all guilty of whinging and complaining to a trusted friend/relative from time to time but imo, a long, slow insidious character assassination over many years betrays trust much more damagingly than does an affair, brief or otherwise.

Clearly I am referring to my own situation, I am not trying to deceive anyone who participates in this debate. And equally clearly, I am proposing my own view. My analysis is a powerful one in my eyes because I do set such great store by honesty and integrity.

Yes kitty thank you, I truly am keeping strong - my DS and DDIL are here and being very loving and supportive. They have both been at the receiving end of my H's unkind ways many times, so it is no surprise to them.

'Couple' betrayal for me is deliberate deceit. That may or may not involve sexual infidelity. Once someone lies about something significant there is a betrayal of trust. Unfortunately people views on 'significant' are not always the same!

A healthy relationship should be open and honest and not filled with secrets or lies.

My DDs and I often enjoy a session off loading our moans about our respective partners but tbh none of it is anything we have not told them to their faces at one point or another!

My take on Betrayal - the other side of the coin to Trust - can't have real trust without the risk of betrayal. Doesn't have to be sexual but I think what you describe is a very minor form of it & shows an unwillingness or lack of power to do something about the problem. I'd keep the word for more serious acts, especially if done over a period of time & with real intent to deceive. But it doesn't have to involve a person - people can feel betrayed by God (as after a traumatic event) or another belief system, or a government etc.

Sexual infidelity would be awful but more for the thought the intimacies shared with someone else than the act itself.

Having said that, among my friends, we do the 'Well, you know what he's like' but it's in a gentle way. Also, I think we could tell our DHs what we said about them without the sky falling in. The sort of discussion you are talking about is not the same thing at all.

Hope you are keeping strong 'specki' and enjoying your visitors.

I agree, hummingbird, and to be able to use a good friend as a sounding board is a great thing! My close friend and I have had many, many sessions doing this - in fact we've talked AT each other mainly, and feel quite a bit better afterwards!

I suppose it depends on whether or not the person hearing the criticism understands the true nature of the relationship. My very dear friend and I spend many a happy hour grumbling about our respective other halves, but we both know that our relationships are solid, and that we love our husbands dearly. No betrayal there!

We had a neighbour once who criticised her husband a lot but God help anyone else who said a word against him.

Betrayal is rather a strong word, but criticism to a mutual acquaintance over many years, if it is not 'oh, you know what he's like, bless him' criticism, would appear to be undermining of the relationship. I suppose if it's a form of venting to blow off a bit of steam when the other half is oblivious, some people might find it useful, but sounds like the relationship might need a bit of investment.

I think that we all grumble about our partners to third parties at one time or another. But to be married to someone that is constantly critical may not be betrayal; more like mental cruelty imo.