Betrayal - discussion

I,m hoping this will serve as a "warning" to any married person who is considering "reconnecting" with a long lost love. Please,please keep your SO fully informed,ask their opinion BEFORE engaging in a search of the past!I speak from experience and if the above takes place and bears "fruit" is the one time loves reconnect albeit in cyberspace(in my case)the spouse/partner can suffer greatly.Lost sleep imagining the worst endless going over and over every "what if"etc.I would love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar position.
O

To Gundy! The "betrayal" was not what happened 50years ago!Then they were teenagers and it was years before he and I met.No,the betrayal was when he decided it would be a good idea to reconnect with her a few months ago.And the subsequent deceit and yes lies which followed.Please read the whole post before commenting! And by the way I know no one is perfect.For that reason I am working at forgiving DH.We are making progress with our relationship.I think I am doing a good job in putting it behind me at last. However Rome wasn,t built in a day.It,ll take time and it's good to have others perspective on things which is why I posted in the first place.

Meryl Streep.... "The derogatory remarks about his puppy love" .Were made out of hurt and...yes anger! I did not have to know about their teenage "romance" .He could have kept his memories to himself! In fact I'm pretty sure he doesn't remember that much about it according to what he has said.No the really hurtful part is this:instead of "keeping it to himself" he reminded his one time "love" of it in a very graphic email! She replied in an enthusiastic "brings back good memories!!" I did not need that in my mind.EVER!! She must have had the last laugh however,when he later explained,that a few short weeks after "the event he dumped her for another,who,in turn,dumped him shortly afterwards!😊

I sometimes post my thoughts before reading previous texts because I don’t have time in the morning. But sometimes I do go back at night and read more.

The people who cannot let go of their dear husband’s betrayal with someone 50 yrs ago, and constantly have thoughts churning inside making themselves miserable, while also bringing it up constantly to their husband’s face making them miserable… how productive is that?

You need help to get over it - please go talk to someone (a therapist) so you can continue in your marriage without rancor. Or get out of the marriage because he’s such a beast and his betrayal is so heinous your life is ruined.

No one is perfect. It’s a choice of how you want to live.

Meryl Streep Paperback writer Thankyou,I appreciate your response.It really makes a lot of sense.I have tried over the past few months to "talk myself out of the what ifs"ie "if she had been single,if the suggested meeting had taken place,would they have felt any of the" love"now they had as teenagers?These ,hopefully I will never have to deal with!Maybe I should distract my mind away from the whole subject.I have started to do this but it's a work in process atm! I,m really sorry to read about your situation.It must have been very difficult for you. Yes you are correct,my DH has done nothing in the physical sense.BUT I did feel betrayed in that he had to look for emotional support from another woman.And not just any woman....one he had been romantically involved with at a young age.

I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t talk about mutual acquaintances. I think we all do it.

But I feel it’s HOW you talk of another - if it’s excessively critical or cruel, that’s not nice, but it happens, right? (What do they say about me? I can only imagine.)

It’s when those people with the hurtful words continue to associate with “their subject” in a way that is hypocritical. That’s sort of a betrayal.

For sure sexual infidelity is the biggest betrayal. There’s all sorts of situations… how about anyone shattering your TRUST in them… not once but twice. That’s it for me - I’m outta there. Who needs that?

I do have a group sort of like above but we are still hanging together - but I also have the best group of friends too, who are so easy, so happy, so respectful. These are the women who you prefer to be around all the time. They’re lovely 🥰
USA Gundy

MerylStreep

Paperbackwriter

Nana75

In my case it was the fact DH had decided to "reconnect" with his first girlfriend.Even 50+years later I firmly believe feelings have a chance of rekindling.Whether this would have happened in his case I hope never to find out! She apparently was never keen for a meeting,so my fears were probably pointless.BUT and isn,t there always a but?She has his email address,he has hers......!I have been hypervigilant over the past few months since it finished.I think I will continue to be this way for sometime yet.He absolutely hates me bringing the subject up now.This doesn't intimidate me at all.Whether he likes it or not if I need to ask or say something relating to the emails I do!After all if he hadn,t started on his "quest"there would be nothing to" constantly bring up "as he likes to put it! Thank you,everyone for reading these.It,s good to have a rant!😡

I do sympathise, deeply. But he hasn't done anything really, has he? You can waste your life away worrying about what "might" have happened. Please don't do that. Just forget her, hard though that might be right now. Make that big effort to ignore the situation and it'll gradually fade.
My husband re-connected (via the Curse of Facebook) with someone he'd fancied as a teenager. Long story short, they had a brief affair earlier this year when she came over to the UK from her home in LA. It's over now but was devastating. (Of course I knew, probably almost before he did!). We're mending now but if I keep harping on about it, it'll still be there. I have - realistically - probably less than 20 years max on this planet and I don't want thoughts of her wasting my days. So my advice is either leave it, or get counselling so as to learn how to deal with your feelings.

I don’t think there’s much chance of the OP achieving that.
It’s obvious from the post above that Nana75 is never going to let go. She wants him to suffer. All I can say about that, is, be careful what you wish for.

I don't think it's the OP - she was pondering what constitutes betrayal and that was over ten years ago!
🙂

Having been in a 21yr marriage and him leaving after having affair he constantly putting me down etc. once the trust is gone it’s very hard to trust at the start with someone else but you learn to believe that not all men are the same. Then you realise yes they are given the chance. I was on a train yesterday and a man with his wife kept looking my way and as he walked past me he dropped his phone number onto my desk don’t know if she knew but she didn’t look my way so obviously not.

To me betrayal can take many forms -infidelity is a very grave form, but so is being irresponsible about money matters, lies and repeating anything one was told in confidence.

Paperbackwriter

Nana75

In my case it was the fact DH had decided to "reconnect" with his first girlfriend.Even 50+years later I firmly believe feelings have a chance of rekindling.Whether this would have happened in his case I hope never to find out! She apparently was never keen for a meeting,so my fears were probably pointless.BUT and isn,t there always a but?She has his email address,he has hers......!I have been hypervigilant over the past few months since it finished.I think I will continue to be this way for sometime yet.He absolutely hates me bringing the subject up now.This doesn't intimidate me at all.Whether he likes it or not if I need to ask or say something relating to the emails I do!After all if he hadn,t started on his "quest"there would be nothing to" constantly bring up "as he likes to put it! Thank you,everyone for reading these.It,s good to have a rant!😡

I do sympathise, deeply. But he hasn't done anything really, has he? You can waste your life away worrying about what "might" have happened. Please don't do that. Just forget her, hard though that might be right now. Make that big effort to ignore the situation and it'll gradually fade.
My husband re-connected (via the Curse of Facebook) with someone he'd fancied as a teenager. Long story short, they had a brief affair earlier this year when she came over to the UK from her home in LA. It's over now but was devastating. (Of course I knew, probably almost before he did!). We're mending now but if I keep harping on about it, it'll still be there. I have - realistically - probably less than 20 years max on this planet and I don't want thoughts of her wasting my days. So my advice is either leave it, or get counselling so as to learn how to deal with your feelings.

I don’t think there’s much chance of the OP achieving that.
It’s obvious from the post above that Nana75 is never going to let go. She wants him to suffer. All I can say about that, is, be careful what you wish for.

Nana75

In my case it was the fact DH had decided to "reconnect" with his first girlfriend.Even 50+years later I firmly believe feelings have a chance of rekindling.Whether this would have happened in his case I hope never to find out! She apparently was never keen for a meeting,so my fears were probably pointless.BUT and isn,t there always a but?She has his email address,he has hers......!I have been hypervigilant over the past few months since it finished.I think I will continue to be this way for sometime yet.He absolutely hates me bringing the subject up now.This doesn't intimidate me at all.Whether he likes it or not if I need to ask or say something relating to the emails I do!After all if he hadn,t started on his "quest"there would be nothing to" constantly bring up "as he likes to put it! Thank you,everyone for reading these.It,s good to have a rant!😡

I do sympathise, deeply. But he hasn't done anything really, has he? You can waste your life away worrying about what "might" have happened. Please don't do that. Just forget her, hard though that might be right now. Make that big effort to ignore the situation and it'll gradually fade.
My husband re-connected (via the Curse of Facebook) with someone he'd fancied as a teenager. Long story short, they had a brief affair earlier this year when she came over to the UK from her home in LA. It's over now but was devastating. (Of course I knew, probably almost before he did!). We're mending now but if I keep harping on about it, it'll still be there. I have - realistically - probably less than 20 years max on this planet and I don't want thoughts of her wasting my days. So my advice is either leave it, or get counselling so as to learn how to deal with your feelings.

biglois,What exactly are you referring to?Your post doesn't seem to be related to the subject being discussed.

Betray is when someone lies to cover up something important, it doesn’t have to be sexual. It’s when a partner destroys the trust you have between you. You can’t trust a liar.

Nana75
Why did you feel the need to make derogatory remarks about his puppy love?
Unless there was something else going on it wasn’t a very nice thing to do, was it?

In DH ,s case obviously there was no sex.However he did "share" a memory of their "first time" when they were both virgins.It was put to her,again in an email,as a "mutual and special occasion" .I think it must have been a rushed thing though as her parents were out!!

Sexual infidelity is not a marriage breaker unless it is accompanied with emotional infidelity…

In my case it was the fact DH had decided to "reconnect" with his first girlfriend.Even 50+years later I firmly believe feelings have a chance of rekindling.Whether this would have happened in his case I hope never to find out! She apparently was never keen for a meeting,so my fears were probably pointless.BUT and isn,t there always a but?She has his email address,he has hers......!I have been hypervigilant over the past few months since it finished.I think I will continue to be this way for sometime yet.He absolutely hates me bringing the subject up now.This doesn't intimidate me at all.Whether he likes it or not if I need to ask or say something relating to the emails I do!After all if he hadn,t started on his "quest"there would be nothing to" constantly bring up "as he likes to put it! Thank you,everyone for reading these.It,s good to have a rant!😡

Betrayal. You mean passing a law for one lot of people and having the police impose it to a degree that is sometimes laughable. Yet you and your mates breaking that law - not by accident - but knowingly and wantonly. Then lying to try and weasel out of responsibility.

Sound familiar at all?

I think a lot of people have been critical of a partner at times and will share that with another but for me, sharing intimate details about each other’s lives is actually deeply unpleasant and what makes it a betrayal is this: if your partner would be upset by the things you’ve shared!

I was the victim of quite a serious assault as a teenager and told a partner...he then proceeded to discuss this with several members of his family and of course, small towns being what they are, I heard about it. I was devastated - that wasn't criticism as such but it was deeply personal for me and a total betrayal of trust.

Betrayal doesn't have to include sex. Betrayal of trust or just complete disloyalty for me.

i am not sure what I consider as 'betrayal'. Sexual infidelity is devastating, but I am not sure that it is automatically a marriage breaker. Circumstances are all important.

I can think of one example. A young couple, married and booked a holiday of a lifetime, doing something the young man had always wanted to do, but then the wife discovered she was pregnant and under the circumstances, the holiday was unsuitable for her. Her husband was all set to cancel the whole holiday, but she insisted as he had always so wanted this particular holiday, he should go on his own and in the end he did. He got back to find his wife had moved out citing his going on the holiday on his own as proof that the relationship had broken down. That to me is betrayal.

Betrayal to me is a breaking of trust that is detrimental to the relationship I agree ps.

Nana75 - I would call that betrayal.

It may be better to start a new thread?

Some may not notice that the original thread is from 2013.

If you have a “close” relationship with another person outside the relationship with your partner it will cause problems. It does not matter of it is sexual or same sex it will cause jealousies. Opposite sex is obviously the usual cause of tension because your partner will imagine something is going on wether it is or not.

On feeling betrayed. DH.contacted his first girlfriend from 50+years ago.He "found" her on a people's website.He could not find a way to connect with her directly.But was able to do so via a friend of here by sending this person his email address.In other words he wrote to a complete stranger to facilitate a reconnect.The ex gf eventually after a few weeks sent him an email.I forgot to say the "reason"for the" need "to contact,the ex,was to apologise for the way he dumped her when they were teenagers.He apparently had been feeling guilty for a while after,again,courtesy of the people's website,finding out her later marriage had failed.I was told of this when he received her first email.All very innocent maybe.However a few emails later(she said no to a meeting up with him) he suggested collecting her from near her home to go for coffee.To clarify I was" invited "in the first instance to join them in any meeting to begin with.I was NOT told of the" pick her up "for coffee suggestion! After this,which she never replied to,I knew there was something going on,I told him to stay away from me.He had deleted the email concerned but because of my devastation he managed to retrieve,saying I could see it but wouldn't like it!An understatement! As I said she didn't reply.It didn't happen possibly because she is in a relationship which she didn't want to endanger?Who knows?This was a few months ago but I am still reeling.It's the first time in our 50+year marriage I have had trust issues.I seem to be stuck in a fit as the whole thing keeps going round and round in my head.I have now heard myself making derogatory comments about their" puppy love ".Which I am not proud of.Especially as the relationship eventually became physical on one occasion.He said it was so long ago he can hardly remember it!And I can,t forget! I am trying to forgive but
finding it very difficult.I must keep trying though.Nothing else for it.The emails have stopped.
L