Difficult son

Mothers Day needless to say nothing from my son or daughter in law even though I always purchase cards for my husbands family and just two weeks ago sent a birthday present to my daughter in law. I think its time I realised I am bashing my head against a brick wall.

What a shame, but glad you are still trying! Just remember that it is his problem, not yours. I hope one day things will be sorted.

Cab61 - unfortunately we can't make our children love us or respect us or treat us the way we'd like. If he's holding on to 'historical issues' he really needs to discuss them with you so that you can both move on. You might no agree with his view of whatever it was that happened (and there are always two sides to every story) but it's his view that is fuelling this sad separation. Until he is willing to be honest with you I think, for your own sake and bearing in mind your own ill health (I think you said you had Parkinson's?) then yes, you do have to accept you are beating your head against a brick wall and find a way to live in peace without having any expectations of your son and his family. I'm sorry that today hasn't been all you hoped for but tomorrow could be so much better if you let it.

I agree with mollie

mollie has put it with good sense.
Our second son has always been a mystery to me - he hasn't contacted me today, although the others have. But sons aren't as good at keeping in touch as daughters. And they're all different.
But don't shut the door on him - he might think of returning some time.

cab61 how stressful for you. I think you are right, you are definitely bashing your head against a wall. If he won't tell you what the historical problem is don't make yourself stressed trying to figure it out. I would let it all go for now, let him figure out why you have cooled off and don't initiate contact, just don't cut ties. Things might turn around in the future when he finally grows up. Silly man!

Thanks all - its helps to let of steam and Faye you are right he needs to grow up but at 37 I don't hold out much hope - I wonder how you can raise two children the same and one is respectful and appreciative and the other is difficult and has a huge chip on his shoulder.

I've raised all of mine the same, cab61, and my elder DD is both respectful and appreciative, the younger DD has estranged herself (twice in 10 years), and DS (who now has a lady in his life) contacts me rarely. When he didn't have anyone in his life he texted/phoned quite often......and I do miss that, but what is it they say: "A daughter's a daughter for all of her life, but a son's just a son till he gets him a wife". I just wish my younger DD would still herself as my daughter.

I meant 'still SEE herself as my daughter'.

It is always sad to hear these stories and my heart goes out to you. But I really do not think there is much you can do if he does not have the courage to face these "historical issues" and bring them into the open and give you the chance to explain about whatever it is that it irking him. I would suggest that you continue to send greetings appropriately to all 3 of them but try to resign yourself that there will be little in the way of flow the other way.

Good luck.

Marelli - I have heard that saying about a daughter but in my experience it isn't true. I have said on another thread that I asked my daughter recently if she thought I was no longer a mum now that I am a nan. She didn't really answer. Although she is close by, we never do much together as a mother and daughter (in fact nothing really). I miss her but she doesn't 'get it'. She is completely wrapped up in her own daughter, which is as it should be but I'm not sure why she barely gives me a thought.

Katy
a ((Hug)) to you !

Oh thank you nonu you are very kind. We are ok really. At least we still see each other. There is no malice in it. She's just getting on with her life. She is a lovely girl who has overcome her own struggles and done well in her life. Bit of self pity here sometimes. She would be here like a shot if we were in trouble.

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I'm jumping in late here, I know. But in my experience, this is not uncommon with male offspring. We have 2 sons. One was an awkward child, downbeat and always miserable and in trouble. He's grown into a lovely man. The other was a lovely child, a pleasure to be with. He's become an awkward man, with, apparently, historic 'issues' with his father and me. Like cab61, our DiL and GCs are lovely, so I just work around the discontented son and remain positive. As someone has remarked, life's too short - and my family is too important to me to be put off by this awkward fellow.

It's oddly comforting to know that I am not alone in this type of situation. I will also speak up on behalf of boys: not all sons forsake their families once they marry.

My mother disliked me from the moment I was born and blamed me for every ill that befell her (as she told me this frequently throughout my childhood and life, it isn't something I've imagined). My daugher and I were very, very close (as I was, and still am, with my son). My mother was always jealous of my relationship with my daughter (my mother disliked my son intensely from the day he was born and wouldn't have much to do with him). My mother then told my daughter and son-in-law, this was about 7 years ago, that I had never really liked my son-in-law and only pretended to like him. This was an out and out lie, I had never said any such thing and had always treated my son-in-law like a second son (which is probably why when he had worries/concerns he would come to me before his own mother!). When my daughter and son-in-law returned to the Island, my son-in-law refused to speak to me (and hasn't to this day) and my daughter was also miffed with me. I was furious that they didn't even think to ask me if I had actually said it but just took it that I had when I'd given them no reason to think it could be true; I was also miffed that, knowing her nan as she does, why didn't my daughter dismiss the comment as her nan just being spiteful as usual. I felt unbelievably hurt and betrayed by two of the people I had trusted most in the world.

We didn't speak for the next 6 years. Then my son-in-law left my daughter for another woman and my daughter rang saying 'mum, I need you' and like a numpty, I drove straight to her house to comfort her. A few weeks later, another phone call 'mum, I need you, I think I'm having a miscarriage'. I rush her to hospital and sit with her all night. I have barely heard a word from her since. I have visited but she sits glued to the tv. Not once has she asked about my health (she is aware of what I am facing), never asked if I need help.

My son, on the other hand, is, as always, a tower of strength and always manages to make me laugh or smile. He often texts a silly message too which makes me smile.

Although I'm so sad that the relatioship I had with my daughter has gone, I'm not going to send my blood pressure up over someone who sees themselves as a victim when they weren't and fails to show basic human concern for anyone other than herself.

Sons can be great as well.

Sometimes, families fall out and, heartbreaking as it is, you can't risk your own health by repeatedly offering an olive branch that is then thrown back at you.

Right, moan over (I feel better for actually saying all of that ). Sorry to have had a moan on someone else's thread but it might help those who aren't able to bury the hatchet for whatever reason.

Read my story 'Amble' in Memories.
I'm 70 now. All my friends who knew this awful situation are now dead.
So, I have to live in isolation, how do you explain this to someone new.
I tried Talking Therapy - it just made things worse - what was I suppose to say when the lady said to me: 'How do you see your roll as a Mother' ??!
To be a doormat for your daughter ?

doretta78, I've been searching for 'Amble', in Memories, but can't find it

Is this it, Marelli?

www.gransnet.com/memories/show-story/248-amble

Thank you, rosequartz.

What a very strange story.I just feel I cannot comment further.

Oh my goodness! I don't think I can comment either.

Wouldn't the result of your husband's appeal - where the proceeds of the house sale was awarded finally to your husband and you (half each) - be on record somewhere?

Can one court completely overule the findings of the previous court?

#angelsfeartotread

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