Elderly mother

Like the others, I've been in a similar situation although mum never came to live with us - mainly because she didn't like my DH - well it was mutual really! I can only add to the excellent advise already given that you and your husband must be united and strong and stick to your guns. When the demands of caring for my mother were really getting me down a friend reminded me of aircraft safety procedure - First fix your own oxygen mask before helping others. You need regular breaks. Without them you'll wear yourself down and be unable to look after her and she'll end up in full time care, not just respite. (Even my mother with a lifetime's practice in manipulation had to agree with this - and we got our holidays)

Ginniecam

Oh dear how I understand your situation.

My dear dad passed away last June, aged 94. His health was very similar to your mothers too.

The thing is Ginnie, we don't realise we are doing it but we tend to have a 'whipping post' when life get's tough and am I wrong to say that is your hubby in your case?. Forgive me if I have said something innapropriate. You see you are doing the absolutely right thing by your mother but it does take it's toll and something eventually has to give. I am sure that your husband is worried about his health, worried about the effect this is having on you and feels 'cornered'. That is human nature, we are not saints and have to accept that whilst the mind is willing sometimes the flesh is weak.

You both need a holiday/break and I agree with others that you should try to resolve the issue and unfortunately that does mean telling your mum you love her dearly but you need a a break to replenish your spirits to carry on giving her the love and attention you want to give her. If you don't things will fester and it will do none of you any good in the long run.

Don't be too hard on yourselves for feeling this way, I wouldn't mind betting you are feeling a 'little' guilty for thinking this way but you most certainly are not and I can assure you that there are many of us on GN who have walked in your shoes.

You are good people to be giving your mum such love and kindness, not everybody can or will give their time so freely or willingly but you must look after your interests also or the whole job becomes a chore and resented and that is the worst case scenario for all of you. It happens so easily doesn't it.

I hope you and Barry find a way to get your much needed break, you deserve it.

Mr absent and I looked after my mother after she broke her hip, knowing that she would never be able to return to her previous independent life. (We moved her in with us straight from the hospital exactly four months to the day after we got married.) The strain did begin to get to me at one point and I was visiting my GP about something else all together when I started shaking and burst into tears. She was the one who recommended help from carers and put the whole thing in place with social services. They couldn't do a lot as they didn't have a huge amount of time, but their help washing her hair, getting her dressed, giving her breakfast, even making her bed took the pressure off me. So I would recommend a word with your GP.

As far as respite care is concerned, I think you have to be a bit firm with your mother. However, I would recommend checking the home that social services suggest. The first one we used was a truly horrible place where my mother contracted MRSA while we were away and I came home to find her being admitted to hospital where she stayed for three months in a heart-breaking condition. The second one (used a couple of times) wasn't luxurious but was okay, clean and full of kind people. My mother's big fear was that we would dump her in the respite home and never collect her – not that she ever had the slightest grounds for believing that. I suspect it was memories of days when the workhouse and then those horrible geriatric wards still existed. If that's the case with your mother, do you best to allay her fears. And, by the way, I wrote to her every day that I was away, including the day I left the country, to reassure her that I loved her and would be seeing her soon. (She kept every one of those letters, bless her heart.)

When my mother-in-law was alive she lived on her own but with quite a lot of attention from us. She didn't like change of any kind. Then she suddenly became quite frail (falling over) just as we were due to go on a cruise. After a struggle she agreed to go in for respite care for 10 days. She wasn't keen but accepted that as our holiday was paid for it was necessary as she couldn't be left alone. It was a turning point because she quite liked the home and agreed to move in permanently. She lived for another five years there and died at 99.

I also agree that you need to be firm about respite care. If you continue as you are there will be 3 sick people in the family. A break for you is not a luxury but a necessity.
My mother always managed to make me feel guilty if I was not constantly at her beck and call. Her excuse for not wanting me to go away for 3 days when she was convalescing in hospital was that there would be nobody to clean her false teeth and apply the 'sticky stuff'. I never did it to her satisfaction anyway!
I hope you manage to organise something.

I am afraid you have no choice but to be firm - it is tough but there is no alternative. As a retired SW I saw so many carers drive themselves into the ground and it helps no-one in the end. Carers need space to recharge their batteries - professional carers work shifts and have time off, and you need it too.

Tell her your plans and ask if she would like to be involved in the selection of how and where she might be cared for during your holiday. Point out that you need a break in order to look after her well. If she does not like it, then you will have to duck as the flak flies.

It usually stems from fear, as many very elderly people have so many limitations that change, however brief, is very scary. And also their lives contract and they find it hard to understand why anyone else might need to get away and have a break.

When I was a young SW I was called to the ward as a lady of 101 and a half (the half was very important!) wanted to see me. She was totally compos mentis and wanted to tell me that her DD (83!), who was single and lived with her, was "getting into bad company"! When I quizzed her a bit, it seemed that DD had joined the WI - heaven forfend! - and this meant that she was out of the house one evening a week and old lady did not like it. She did not get a huge amount of sympathy from me!

and, we'd love to hear what happens!

As others have said, start with AgeUK - they are brilliant!

I would have thought you should be able to have carers even though your Mum is living with you. Maybe you need to ask your GP for a referral to a Social Worker for your mum. Despite their perceived failings, I have found them very helpful as a starting place.

Put mum into respite then do it - if you are lucky you and DH should have years together when your mum has gone and you need to be 'together' as a couple when that time comes with no simmering resentment. I doubt my DH (a lovely man) would be as accommodating as yours appears to be.

I had the same 'problem' for three years. The only way mum would let me go away with husband was to say I was cracking up. We used to pay a local lady to call in several times a day to check on her and I used to phone all the time. We promised ourselves we would have wonderful hols after she had passed on. Sadly hubbie died suddenly two weeks before mum, so please please try to get away you don't know what's ahead.

Exactly Nonnie .

Oh Ginniecam I can totally sympathise with your situation. I look after my elderly grandma (she will be 98 this year) and although she does not live with my DH and I, I am still very much responsible for her (hospitals, shopping, meals, visiting etc.)which makes getting away extremely hard. My mum is in very poor health and is not able to help her mother at all After a prolonged spell in hospital I was able to get a care package in place for her where carers come in to her three times a day. I did this via social services, so I would strongly suggest you contact them for help and information. Additionally there are facilities for respite care where your mother could go into residential care for a short time to enable you and your DH to have a break. I know she is saying that she doesn't want to do this (who really would) and I know the very elderly do can get quite selfish but you owe it to yourself and your DH to have a break and recharge your batteries.

I am saying all of this to you but I still feel extremly guilty on the rare occasions we do get away and worry all of the time. My DH and I both work and feel that although I love my grandma and mum dearly, we need to have some sort of "life" together. Good luck. Keep us posted.

My parents didn't live to be elderly so you can ignore what I suggest if you think I don't understand. And you may well right.

I had a friend in a similar situation and in the end she just simply had to be firm with her mother. She felt that her mother used emotional blackmail on her and her sister and would have had them running after her full time if they let her. Some elderly people become very selfish and childlike it they are allowed to. You and your husband deserve some time to yourselves and I don't suppose the tension is helping mum much either. I think you have to bite the bullet and just tell her you are planning a holiday and booking her into respite. She will not like it but has no choice to accept it. It is quite possible she will enjoy it once she is there as there is bound to be more company than she has at the moment.

Go for it, it will do you the world of good. Make sure it is for at least 2 weeks so you can get the full benefit.

ginnie I agree with Bez, an objective view would be absolutely that you need a break. Are there not organisations that offer respite care so that you can have a break? (I mean where your mum can be looked after in-house for a few weeks).

Best wishes to you in dealing with this.

Yes, Aka you took the words out of my mouth re Age UK. Could your GP not be a bit more involved if he/she sees that you are nearly on your knees with exhaustion, maybe there maybe a suggestion from him/her.

Your mother is thinking of herself and not you and your husband. There has to be some leeway from her.

PS have you contacted Age UK? It's a good place to start.

Respect! Looking after an elderly, frail person with physical limitations takes courage, love and dedication. Do you get any breaks during the week at all? I'm thinking of perhaps a day centre once a week to start with so you and DH can take a drive and perhaps have a lunch out?

You might have to be quite firm (easier said than done I know) about respite care. Could you perhaps start off with just a weekend?

I am sure that someone on here will come up with a lot of good information for you to go to for help and advice.
From the perspective of a simple onlooker it would seem that you and your husband deserve, need and are entitled to a holiday. What you are doing all day everyday is very stressful and tiring and you need a break. It maybe that on here you will get a suggestion of someone who could speak to your Mum quietly and she will see that for her to go into respite could be a nice break for her too and that you will all return home well refreshed and ready to face life together again.

Good luck with whatever you do x x xx