STROKE VICTIMS WIFE

Thanks GNetters but being strong is sometimes a step too far but you know ever since DH set me up on GN it has been so strengthening and this too will pass

it was a lovely time with the family around but not youngest who is in California - again why or why do I miss him so much?????

sparkygran: I understand this emotion so well. I have one on the same coastline and we email several times daily, we talk on the phone every couple of weeks, we will Skype in a few days so I can see my little 10 month old grandson whom I got to cuddle on a visit 2 months ago. None of this takes the place of your arms around your son.
You miss your son so much because you love him, the one who is always missing, and also you are going through so much emotional upheaval yourself at present, being strong for everyone..... showing you can cope..... a wee wobbler is quite natural.

I know you must going through a VERY difficult time , sparky, the thing I can do is to wish you good karma .

xx

There are many times I wish I didn't have to be the sole driver, sparky, many times I wish DH could buy me a Christmas or birthday present without me having to take him to get it for me or buy it for myself, many times I wish I didn't have to do all the organising, cajoling, form filling etc., and many many times I miss my family who don't live nearer than three hours away.

DD and her boys now live with us so that's a great help but it's quite normal to feel down in the dumps when you feel the weight of it all on your shoulders.

Just keep telling yourself it could have been a whole lot worse.

Can anyone explain why I feel `blue` again triggered by going into town yesterday and once again why oh why isn`t DH with me driving me in and then meeting for lunch. Ugg I know why but it still has the power to upset me.

We were even out for tea last night (dinner now too late for us) as it was DD`s birthday and it was a lovely time with the family around but not youngest who is in California - again why or why do I miss him so much?????

Am I cracking up and I haven`t even mentioned the bereavements lately and my darling aunt`s birthday is today. Sorry to burden you all but needed to get rid of it all.

Fantastic news! Onwards and upwards to Mr and Mrs Sparkygran

Today is a red letter day for us for the past few days I have noticed DH right hand instinctively working a little and this morning he called me in because he thankfully noticed it too and his RH was holding his cereal bowl tipping it forward to allow him to finish off the milk etc. I could have wept for joy this time needed to share

That is such good news Sparkygran. What a roller coaster we live on. I am really pleased that you have been able to discuss things so fully.
Good idea to have a break especially if Mr S is supportive. You will recharge your batteries and come back refreshed. Go for it Sparky

Just have to post for the past hour DH and myself have had the most useful conversation for a long time. His language skills were really good and he was able to express himself well. It started off with me approaching my having a few days break in the Autumn either a week in the sun or a city break. After initial surprise he was supportive I just hope social worker will be able to advise I certainly don`t want him to go into a nursing home. He would be able to be on his own overnight with care during the day for cleanliness etc and food and our son and daughter living locally can make sure he is ok. Any advice on how I should approach social services.

We then progressed on to really in-depth feeling he has had of recent times and we were able to address issues that affect both of us. I also raised the EPA issue and he is happy for me to proceed. Tonight I am heading off to bed and my book in a lighter frame of mind.

Ah Purpledaffodil what a strong woman you are I`m so sorry Mr P`s stroke was not a good time for you if you ever want to unburden send me a PM you have been such a support to me with your wise words and advice I would like to give something back to you

I think that is absolutely to be expected Sparkygran. There has to be some grief for the life that was if it was happy. In my case, without going into too many details, our life pre stroke was not so. My sadness now is for those wasted years. And almost 7 years on, I still get days when I feel very peed off with the way things have worked out. I think there is a case for living in the moment, trying not to be sad about the past or dreading the future. I say 'trying' because it certainly isn't easy! As I have said before, I think stroke recovers' wives are heroes! If there were a medal emoticon, I should be presenting you with one, instead to you and I hope today is a better day.

What a difference a day makes I`m feeling quite down today and again something simple has triggered it had to go into town this morning and missed my old DH so much as he would have driven in gone and done his own thing and we would have met in one of our favourite restaurants for lunch and because this will never happen again it depressed me travelling home on the bus.

I`m normally very upbeat and am wondering if after 6-months the grieving process of what I have lost is kicking in.

I just knew you would keep me right Purpledaff it was just so out of character. Today weatherwise was simple horrendous constant heavy drizzle but off we went of Conversation Group he then managed to almost fall trying to sit down anyway said a cheery goodbye and off I went when I returned was a bit nervous had he been so shocked by bad weather and nearly falling that I had missed mobile phone call which would have been difficult as I hadn`t switched the damned thing on anyway all was sweetness and light and a volunteer called, Rosemary, was looking after him so all is well. He is currently having a lie down watching football. Phew my partaking of the liquid refreshment (if was known to my darling children) is proving a great help. to you Purpledaff

Oh dear Sparkygran. I'm sorry to tell you that social skills are another invisible casualty of stroke. I'm not sure how much is stroke and how much is the self obsession of one with a chronic, life changing condition. I know it sounds patronising, but I find if I treat him like a large, challenging toddler, then things are easier. Eg I try, oh how I try, not to shout back when he yells at me in public. I even give him a version of 'Time out' when he gets too angry about something like the the TV not working as he thinks it should. In this case I leave the room while he cools down, not exactly for a minute for every year of his age
Expecting your food to be given to him, sounds just like this sort of thing, although less embarrassing than being told you are incompetent in a very loud voice because you didn't produce a ticket at exactly the time it was required. And yet he isn't like this all the time or I would be writing this in my prison cell. You have to try to hammer home the point that you do not have a walk on part in his show. Keep taking the liquid refreshment xx

Help - I`m shocked but not horrified but tonight over our meal (which I`m whispering because it`s another salad ok it Wimbeldon fortnight) part of which was locally grown potatoes now we may have been married for 50 years but we have never been a couple who `shared` food from one another`s plate - well there might have been the odd time - but tonight he scoffed the salad and new pots then horror of horrors he spotted one on my plate and asked nay demanded it - his thinking was that I had said there was more but he had already had more - does that make sense.

Where are you Purpledaffodil is this something else I will have to contend with?????????????????

Also a Living Will is something I will have to clarify with DH thanks for flagging it up durhamjen

Just have to have another glass to steady the old nerves

Tell him you'll cremate him unless he writes down what he wants!
My grandson keeps asking me if I want to be cremated like grandad. When I say yes and it's written in my will, he says, "But you'll be burnt, " so I say that I will not feel it.
Not really being macabre, but I am the same age my husband was when he died, and my grandson, being autistic, asks questions and wants answers.

Thanks durhamjen. It is interesting that a Living Will was so useful. I will have a look at that too. Trouble is that Mr Purple has gone into ostrich mode and won't even go and do a prepaid funeral plan for us both. And yet he has very strong views on not wanting to be cremated. Grrrr!

Purple, I never had the health EPA, either. He had filled in a living will which was acted on. I had to be in the room every time his health was discussed because they knew he would not be able to remember what they had said the next day. A health EPA was not necessary in those circumstances.

Thanks for your support and encouragement Purpledaffodil and Lona today we are having a quiet day in even though the sun is shining we`re all socialised out and need to get ourselves ready for 2 hopefully glorious weeks of WIMBLEDON Good luck Andy

sparky Enjoy the

Poor Sparkygran it sounds like you have really been through the mill recently. Amazed you stay so positive ! Isn't it surprising how something simple like a church fair can be such a great experience? I think part of it goes back to life being normal which is what we all crave after a lot of drama.

Those EPAs are very long winded I agree Durhamjen. Everything has to be done in the right order or they throw them back at you. Our eldest son was named as "a person to be told" and that meant documents going to Singapore and back. I think nine weeks is the minimum from what I have read. I only did the Financial one too, but now I wonder if I should have done the health one too. He has all the Do not resuscitate stuff in his medical records from previous strokes so not sure what difference the health EPA would make. Cheerful topic for a sunny Saturday isn't it?

Purpledaff it was and DD organised it beautifully DSs absence was missed by me but DH didn`t seem to notice and of course they have been in touch via telephone and FB Durhamjen thanks for your input will discuss with DH but think I should have EPA just because he can`t write and I know deep in my heart he never will be able to so just have to gird my loins and get on with it.

today went to local Church fair and met said DD and GC dispensed spending money (also to little friend - I couldn`t give GC something and not Emily) the sun was shining and I bought my favourite bramble jelly and fudge for DH then DDs friends were all there spread out in the sun and made me so welcome and all knew about yesterday`s extravaganza but after a while I felt for the first time in my life - old - so made an elegant exit.

I don`t want to overload you lovely GN friends but apart from DH`s stoke we have suffered 3 family bereavements in the last year 2 of which were extremely painful and today when my lovely auntie would have been with me and family plying children with goodies she wasn`t and because of what has happened to DH I have had no time to grieve for her (she died not long before DH had stroke and we were extremely close - she was my mother`s youngest sister hence there was only 10 years between us - so sorry for venting but you all seem to understand the inner workings of an oh so human being)

Am already on the red wine

Purple, it took a long time for my husband's to be set up, as we had to have people from different parts of the country to sign and date in the correct order, so by the time it had been registered and returned, he had already had an operation on his brain tumour. We had copies for the bank and the insurance companies and the financial adviser.
Illness certainly makes you concentrate your minds. He had been ill for 15 years before that, but the ataxia made us do things more quickly than we would have liked. Fortunately the timing worked out well, if that doesn't sound too awful to say.

That sounds like an excellent and well considered treat. What a lovely family you have. Enjoy the fizz

Well the secret is out and enjoyed - a delightful day at a very plush hotel for gorgeous afternoon tea with champagne flowing. 11 of us there and DH coped very well (told me privately that he worries about making a fool of himself but he didn`t and if I thought he would I wouldn`t put him in that position) we are now home and he is relaxing with the football and me being me am enjoying champagne - well why not??

It really was the perfect day under the circumstances. Thanks for info re EPA I know I need to do it.