Family get togethers

I suggest that, if you go to the party, you busy yourself in the kitchen for as much of the time as possible. Cutting up the cake, wrapping and putting in the goodie bags can be helpful and takes ages if you try! I used to find this helps, and the rest of the time I took photographs of the children to keep myself occupied. Remember ex will probably also be apprehensive. You have as much right to be there as he does, so don't let him spoil your enjoyment of GD's special day.

My GCs are older now, so no birthday parties, and anyway exDH does not attend family gatherings since his second wife was rude to me after I greeted them politely at a christening, and then shouted abuse at me in the car park! I had the silly idea that we could be friends, as she met him a while after the divorce.

As I have to keep advising DD1, who is going through a dificult divorce, try to act with dignity and put on a brave face, and show him that he cannot hurt you any more. I hope to hear that you have survived and that it wasn't as bad as you feared.

Good advice so far Nansy as others have said there will have to be a first time and my advice would be to take your time getting ready. Wear clothes you look/feel at your best in. Wear some makeup and a little perfume and walk in looking 10 feet tall (even if you don't feel it). That way if/when everyone looks at you for that brief second the only comments they could make would be "my, she doesn't half look good" . Go for it . Good luck and do report back.

Nansy I have not been in your situation, but if I have had to do things I have dreaded, I find it helps to visualise in advance being confident and strong in the situation. If you think you're going to be strong, you will be.

You have had the strength to leave an unhappy marriage - your little DGD will be sad if you're not there, so be strong for her and you will come out feeling pleased with yourself for overcoming your fears

As you say, there has got to be first time so let it be this time and this might be the last time that your DGD 'allows' grandparents at her birthday celebrations. I am only tolerated at my 7 year old DGS's parties so long as I do nothing more than handing round food and drink!

Oh, do go Nansy and show the world that you are indifferent to him now (even if it takes a bit of acting this first time) - he's the past and you have the power back now. I find if I ignore my ex at family events I can enjoy them. It was difficult at first, but I soon got into my stride. Good luck

Well, my GDs 6th birthday "do" is this coming weekend and I STILL don't know whether to go! I think I must because there will always be a "first time" of seeing my ex. I know I'm being somewhat irrational but I feel as though I might be part of a cabaret if I go, with people watching. My DD can't come down and I really don't relish the thought of turning up on my own. I don't know what to say, I really don't want to talk to him as I can't forget how truly horrible and insulting he was to me. It's bringing tears to my eyes writing this and remembering how things were. I think he destroyed my confidence forever. Thank goodness I was lucky enough to find my lovely little house and feel safe and secure in it with only myself to answer to.

Nansy the best revenge is to be happy. Think how ecstatic you are now that you are shot of him. You can not miss your granddaughter's birthday because it will only make the next family celebration harder to attend.

When you see him say hello and move away. Enjoy spending time with your family, knowing we will be interested in hearing what a great time you had. Best wishes.

ps if I saw my ex partner I would love to run him over, but I would never let him know he bothered me.

Nansy I'm so glad to hear that you are finally settled in your new life .... if I remember rightly you were having difficulty selling the marital home?

I can only repeat what everyone else has said, you must go and have a great time!

I love meeting my ex. I dress up, perfect makeup, the whole 9 yards. But what I love most is: I am still with the person ( who ex knows well) who I met after he left me and he has divorced 4 times and is sad and lonely.

just get it in your head..that all the Gransnetters..will be walking in behind you!

think you have to remember you are going for "that persons" celebration....and just try and go and celebrate with them....just don't think about who may be going...you have as much right..and why should you! miss out!

Oh yes, Nansy you go!

And how good to hear from you again and know how things have worked out, so happy for you.

Thanks everyone for your comments - I think that's 100% of advice to go. I hope my dd and her family will be able to come down that weekend as I don't relish the thought of arriving on my own.

storynanny

Please go and do as granny knot says, be an oscar winning actress. I have much practice at doing this whenever I have to be in the vicinity of my vile first husband who I was only married to for few years 30 years ago.
As we had 2 sons together there are a couple of events we go to at the same time.
I am teetotal except for these situations, maybe once every couple of years and I have a big swig of something before I go. The only other time I do that is prior to having a smear test!

Come to think of it - when there is an occasion, I think of myself as being "on stage" and I put on as good an act as can be . As long as the theatre or play doesn't go on for to long, you can do it!

Reminds me of my best friend's daughter's wedding - I was just walking towards the marquee when my friend cannoned into me, whispering 'Hide me! The DJ has just called for the mother and father of the bride to dance together!' Oops - no-one had thought of that possibility! Up until that moment you would have thought she hadn't any worries about it all at all, I had watched her and been completely taken in by her laughing and chatting with him. Having to dance with him though was a step too far.

As long as there has not been serious abuse from the partner it's worth being civil but distant. Go knowing that you are doing it for your GCs.

If it's a large gathering then it's feasible to not even speak to him SiL parents managed it quiet easily at DD wedding but then neither of them spoke to DH and I either!

Don't miss out on a happy occasion because of him.

You are happy now and I'm so pleased that you made the move. Be happy with your GD and the rest of your family. Leave it to him to socialise with other relatives and just enjoy the occasion. I've had to do it at weddings and graduations and frankly, he was the loser.

My ex-DH went off with my BF so only time we spoke was when he picked the children up and then only when necessary. I was dreading DC weddings etc as his family had also cut contact with me. At the first one his mother and sister came over and said how much they had missed me and how much they felt pushed out by his new partner's family. I was shocked as had not seen them for years. It boosted my confidence and now many years later I even speak to her too. I always agonise about what to wear though. I need to look my best! Hold your head up and go.Why should you miss out?

I think I would bite the bullet and go. If you find it too uncomfortable you will know for the next time but until you have done it once you will not know. It may be easier than you think.

Nansy I am in a similar position, but I'm not going to let his presence stop me from sharing my family celebrations.
Why should you miss out, not to mention your dgd?

I do understand, but I say "Grin and bear it with grace" (and gritted teeth)

It does get easier too.

Good luck and enjoy your life

Pleased to hear you are happy and settled in your own place now Nansy

Would your grandaughter not miss you if you don't go though? This will be a big day for her and you are very important to her. If it were me, I would grin and bear it. Also a big day for your daughter too and I'm sure she would want her Mum to be part of it.

Even at the most acrimonious stage we coped with family events. Cool, rather distant, but there for the DGCs. Ex went through a particularly stupid phase but subsequently remarried - to a lovely woman who was in no way involved with the divorce. Years on, we're all co-operating very well. I did go into a happy relationship for 10 years but ultimately decided that I'm happiest being independent. I wish you very well.