DD & SiL

How upsettingnina it does look as though your SIL has taken some of the things your DD has said to him onboard for him to phone your DH and have a chat with him,I can't see anything wrong with you talking to him but just be careful that anything said cannot be misconstrude in anyway as things can have a habit of biting us on the bum once said.
Would it be possible to have a face to face meeting with him,maybe a coffee date or something and talk to him that way,maybe this is the shake up he needs to put things right between them hopefully. Best of Luck.[flowers}

Glamma the reason I was going to e-mail him is because I get teary very easily when it comes to talking about any family problems. Also, I thought I can delete and start again in e-mail which I can't face to face
Thanks for reply.

Oh, tough one. It would be hard not to get annoyed in a face to face meeting. I would be wary of my DD seeing any correspondence, maybe an email and ask him to delete it in case there's anything that can be misconstrued after the event.

If your. DD has already explained to him what the problem is and what is required of him as a husband and father, is that not then up to the two,of them to talk things out more? It's a difficult situation for you and I would advise that any communication with him is done with your DD's approval. If it was possible, could you, your DH,DD and SIL sit down and talk together, that way, everyone knows what has been said and suggested.

Definitely don't do anything behind DD's back.

Hope this works out for all of you.

I agree with the last two posts. I would be very cautious about putting something in writing in case what I said was misconstrued.

If I did write I would definitely send a copy to your DD.

My DD and her husband split up last year and he turned to us in his efforts to persuade her to take him back. I was very sorry for him at the time but now I see there was a danger we were being manipulated.

Interesting last paragraph petallus.
Agus yes I would have left them too it, I have never commented in the past about things as I see them. I told DD when she said she's had enough and one of them had to go, that I wouldn't take sides. If SiL hadn't rung this morning I wouldn't have even considered contacting him.

I told DD I'd like to e-mail him. She said 'go for it'.

Nina - we had a similar situation last year. DD said she had had 'just about as much as she can take of SIL' and they were splitting up. We were devastated - they have a 14 year old daughter. We were asked for advice re solicitors, legal stuff etc. We did try to advise. She was saying all sorts about SIL (who we really like but has given her a few problems in the past). We were a bit shocked and probably said a few things we shouldn't. I asked her if there was any going back from this and she said no, he was moving out. A few days later I got a text saying they had decided to give it another go and all has gone back to normal as far as I know. I would say just be there but don't comment (unless asked and even then tread carefully).

nina I understand so much better now

The same thing happened to my sister's DiL and DS. He felt he didn't love her any more. She suggested Relate and it did work.

I don't think it matters if you get tearful Nina if it was my SiL I'd ask him out for a coffee / beer / glass of wine and have a heart-to-heart with him. I don't think you need to involve your DD but I do think he needs a woman's take on this.

After all you DD has given her tacit approval.

I would keep out of it if I were you - it is a minefield. It is down to your DD to sort it out with her OH in her own way. SIL chose to speak to your OH - and I am not sure this was wise of him.

I know how hard it is to stand back, but any interference of any kind really could backfire on you from either side, particularly if they finish up staying together - you will need to have sound relationships for the future.

I am also of the opinion that individuals within couples only tell what they want to tell when discussing their problems outside the relationship and any advice given is likely to be based on only a part of the story.

I hope this all resolves.

As your DD has given you the green light Nina and it's something you want to do, knowing them well and their situation, then this could well be a positive move.

They are your family and understandably you want to help in any way you can.

My aunt was in the same situation with my cousin, her son, who really wasn't pulling his weight with his lovely wife and two small boys. His wife eventually told him to leave and when he went to my aunt, she told him exactly where he had gone wrong and to seriously think about changing his ways if he didn't want to lose his family. It was the wake up call he needed and thankfully he took heed and they are fine now.

I do agree though, a face to face chat is a better way to communicate if you can.

I agree with Mishap. The "Rescuer" can so easily become the "Victim". I would have thought an outside counsellor would be the best bet.

I agree, it's not up to the MIL to save or scupper the marriage. However, if you and both of them want to get together and have a go at getting SIL to understand what your DD wants from the marriage, then have go.I would only say this; that we all take our childrens part, but we don't know how our daughters are really acting in the marriage, perhaps the husband feels let down by her? It 's very rarely all one sided.Tread carefully, you don't want to end up being seen as the bad guy.

I'm under no illusions about DD, I know she can be a moody bu***r. She will be the first to admit it
Thanks for all advice, it helps to discuss it with someone on the outside. If SiL hadn't actually asked for advice I wouldn't have considered it.
I won't be e-mailing.

Perhaps you could research local counsellors for them. That way, you are showing that you care without becoming actively involved.