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The DD SiL saga

(16 Posts)
ninathenana Mon 14-Jul-14 17:52:30

I'm sure most of you know DD and SiL are separating.
She has a good friend (that's all) that she's known since they were 11. He just happens to be male.
SiL has said that he doesn't want this friend anywhere near 'his boys' She asked what I think and I said "maybe not just now" She is not happy as this restricts the times she can see him and she says he's what she needs right now. Is SiL being fare ??

glammanana Mon 14-Jul-14 18:00:21

nina I'm sure your suggestion of "maybe not just now" is the best solution as SIL may just be feeling a bit threatened even though he has no cause to be,hence the term "my boys" ask DD if she would feel the same if the position was reversed and SIL had a good girl friend,tender times ahead I'm

FlicketyB Mon 14-Jul-14 20:11:27

It might unsettle your DGSs to have another man seemingly in their mothers life so soon after the separation, however non-sexual the friendship.

rosesarered Mon 14-Jul-14 20:16:42

I agree with the others nina although nothing to stop her having a chat on the phone with him now and then.Not a good time for another man around the place.

Ana Mon 14-Jul-14 20:44:08

I agree too. No point rocking the boat unnecessarily - male pride is so fragile!

Nonu Mon 14-Jul-14 21:41:09

Nina I agree with all the above posts , she should be "aware", and

think about if the boot was on the other foot .

ps Sat 19-Jul-14 11:18:23

nina I'm sure all you wish for is the best for your daughter and the children and I accept what you have said. However from a male perspective and one who has been sold the "we are just good friends, there is no romantic involvement at the moment but that is not to say there will not be in future" (that's word for word) story only to find out there was only one bed and they did have sex within hours of leaving me (she told me weeks later) I'm afraid suspicions will be high and your son in law naturally will not want his sons to suffer the emotional turmoil a different male, friend or otherwise, would inflict on them no matter how nice a person he is.
I agree with other posters that another man on the scene so soon will not be good and if your daughter is unhappy that it will restrict her ability to see her friend as much as she would like then there may just be a little more to it than what at first appears. I hope not and would like to think honesty, integrity and morals would prevail but I guess I have had that concept shattered so perhaps am a little too suspicious now. All you can do is be as supportive as you can or want to be and offer the benefit of your wisdom. Others have summed it up admirably. I hope a satisfactory solution is reached for the sake of the children but I fear the worst is yet to come. Lets hope not. Good luck.

GillT57 Sat 19-Jul-14 11:54:17

Within my own family, we had a situation where a male friend soon became more than a friend, and although they eventually married her son never recovered from the trauma of having his Father bath him one night and then another man read him a story two nights later. He is now an adult and undoubtedly damaged. Your daughter should be able to meet her friend on a social and supportive basis outside of the home, there is no need for the children to be involved.

rosequartz Sat 19-Jul-14 12:32:30

Do you live near enough to babysit so that your DD can go out for a social drink with her friend (and perhaps with others as well) so that SIL does not feel his role being threatened?

Cressida Sat 19-Jul-14 20:28:40

It depends whether the boys already know the 'good friend'. If he has been part of their lives then their contact with him should stay as normal as possible.

If they don't know him then SIL is not being unreasonable. Right at the moment the children's needs come first.

rosequartz Sat 19-Jul-14 20:40:20

I agree, Cressida

rosequartz Sat 19-Jul-14 20:42:34

But still think that he should not be a presence just at the moment if SIL feels uncertain, it could have repurcussions.

ninathenana Sun 20-Jul-14 12:04:06

I'm of the opinion that he should be kept out of the picture at the moment too and have told DD this.
DD and boys are living with us at the moment. SiL was scheduled to pick up the oldest and take him 'home' to sleep with him. He arrived at 10pm !! GS is 5 and was desperately trying to keep awake. He brought him back here at 9am. So DGS spent about 2 waking hours with his dad gggggrrrrrr. !!

rosequartz Sun 20-Jul-14 12:34:54

Not much point, really; you just had to deal with a very tired child so that he could say he had him overnight!!

rosequartz Sun 20-Jul-14 12:36:24

Probably better for your DD not to see much of her friend either for the time being - she could get into something she regrets on the rebound.

ninathenana Sun 20-Jul-14 12:43:36

Exactly rose, he just isn't father material.