Warring son and daughter in law

Lona
You've hit the nail on the head!
What do you do after your ds has vented though!

As Penstemmon says, your son could go to relationship counselling on his own. It could help him to discuss things with an uninvolved third party, even without his wife there.

I'm in a very similar position and my ds has no one else to talk to, so he 'vents' to me and then says "Now you mustn't worry Mum!"

You are in an impossible situation because the truth is, you just don't know which is the right way for your son to act. So much good advice here, listen, allow your son to explore his options verbally, be supportive but you truly cannot do more. A hard experience to go through as I am sure many of us gransnetters can testify

Penstemmon
Tried the flowers bit. I see my son very irregularly as he lives a distance away. Probably no more than 6 or so times a year. DiL doesn't like him phoning me or OH from home, so he does on his way home from work.
I've tried to be a good mil and keep in the background, be helpful when wanted and out of the way when not. So I'm not in their really in their daily lives.

Ha, ha!! How very true! You've lightened my mood!

Find out the address of local Relationship Counselling for your son and suggest he should try to go with has wife. Otherwise he could go on his own. It may be , in your DiL eyes, that you are part of the problem by having such a close relationship with him still even though he has a wife and children.

I advise listening, smiling , nodding , a meal for your son but no direct advice and a bunch of flowers for his wife.

Three little words :-
EGGSHELLS,^ EGGSHELLS ^ and DILS.

Mishap
As my son can't discuss this with his wife, she refuses to talk about it, I think as his mum, I'm the only person he can be open with.
My DiL has no interest at all in her in law family, so I feel that I need to help my son, if only by emotional stroking. But I don't know if this is the right thing to do.

I have suggested, not told or advised, that counselling could help, as it would be on neutral territory, with a third party who had no agenda, so they would hopefully be able to talk normally without arguing. But, my DiL believes she's right about everything and finds it impossible to see anyone else's point of view.
I know that they have to sort it out themselves.

One of the dangers in getting too involved is that, whichever way things go in the end, you may find yourself in a difficult situation. If they patch things up, you will have been the recipient of negative remarks that might make it hard for either party to relax in your company. If they part, your ex-DIL might be difficult about you seeing the GC for instance, as she will resent your involvement.

So much better to stand back, to say how sorry you are that things are not working out, but to avoid direct involvement or advice except, as Jane says guiding them towards professional help.

Whatever the outcome it is in your and the GCs' interests for you to stay on good terms with all parties, wherever you judge the rights and wrongs to be.

I agree with Mishap that they must sort it out themselves, but if they basically want to make their relationship work, professional counselling could help.

I totally agree Mishap. It must be hell for the children, whatever age they are.

Indeed - listen and keep quiet. Sympathy rather than advice is what is needed.

It may be that this relationship has run its course and the couple may be able to part amicably without too much difficulty for the children. Living with warring parents can be worse - I speak as one who knows!!

It is not our place to prop up our children's relationships - they are adults and must sort it out themselves.