Daughter's in-laws

That is an interesting point Ffinnochio, you said it is not a competition between the respective parents of a couple. Reading between the lines of some posts on this forum and from what I have heard from others in person (not internet based) and my own experiences I think it may be is just that, a competition between the parents. Some parents can provide in monetary terms,some can provide practical help as in babysitting or housework/diy help. Some parents/grandparents can provide both. The real benefit to the younger couple and the grandchildren is that they can get various types of help.
I try to keep things like birthday and christmas presents around the same value for each child/adult. I would be happier if one of my children would remember that there are two sets of grandparents to her children and perhaps visits should be equal. (There is no great difference in distances, and there are plenty of cars anyway).
Sugarpufffairy

Yes, I was rather blunt, and please accept my apologies for that oldcelt. Yet I feel one can't control the relationship between one's children, grandchildren and their in-laws where money is concerned. There was quite a bit mentioned about control in the op.

Do what you can financially as and when, and leave the in-laws to do likewise. It's not a competition.

Hope everything resolves reasonably.

I don't know if oldcelt knows what you are talking about, ffinnochio, but I haven't a clue why you need to be so forthright & blunt, just going by their posts on here.

Well that's me told then. :/

oldcelt. If I were being forthright, then I might suggest that you look to yourself when considering issues of control with your daughter and her family. I'm sorry if that's rather blunt, but there it is.

I don't see that money or birthday cards are the issue here.

oldcelt, you've asked for advice on how you can help your daughter and her husband.
Without making criticisms of the other parents, you can advise your DD and SiL not to get involved in any monetary gifts or loans from them, now or in the future.
If that means it takes them longer to get a mortgage sorted out, that's just the way it will have to be. Disappointing at the moment, but should mean less stress in the long term.

As Elegran says, the money might well be offered again at some other time but they should then continue to say 'No thank you.' and explain that they would prefer to rely on themselves.

'Late in sending a birthday greeting'....am sorry but what's that got to do with anything....that's just a minor little annoyance.....not even that realy in my book....just all part of lif'e rich whatsits.
To be honest your annoyance at this 'control' should be separated out from what your daughter and her husband feel. Its their life, their marriage.....sometimes we just have to bite our tongues and let things go for the sake of a bit of harmony.

They need to say no thank you to the money, then. It is neither a gift nor a loan, it is a weapon to hold over their heads to make sure that they always come to heel. They are better off without it, even if it makes life a bit harder.. It sounds as though they are not getting it, anyway, so they should make their plans without relying on it, or on any more from the same source. It would not surprise me if it is offered later on, if it seems they are not dancing enough attention.

Don't get involved in criticisn if it makes life ing the other inlaws. It is not your fight, and if you join it you will get hurt sooner or later. The most you should say is "That's a pity", no more.

If you can help them, do it as anno suggests and make it a loan, properly drawn up with details of how it will be repaid, and make no demands on them using your generosity as a lever. That will demonstrate that you are not using it to buy their attendance and obedience. Don't put yourself in the same category as the controlling inlaws.

Money is the least part of this. Relationships are more important in my view. There are grandchildren and I really dislike them having anything to do with them with this attitude.

Oh well. That's solved your problem then.

Hi Thanks for all the responses. They would regard a loan as the same as a gift. We will be able to help them, but it's the issues around control and unreasonableness that really upset me. This has all blown up because my son in law was late in sending a birthday greeting, for various reasons, some of which were unexpected and unsurmountable at the time. He rang the next day to explain and apologise. Just had a torrent of abuse down the line, and a terse email saying the money was off. Jeeesh!

Why don't they do what my DS and his partner did? They had their deposit as a loan from me and repaid it over a couple of years by standing order. They could accept the deposit as a loan from his parents which would effectively give them back some control over the situation.

We are better off than DiL's mother, but we have never used money as a form of control. Indeed we do not subsidise DC at all, although we have occasionally given, unbidden, a small gift now and again when we can see a problem that would benefit from a little help - and they do know that, in extremis, we would be there.

Most of the help we have given them has been entirely practical. We are fairly practical DiYers and decorators and DS would have difficulty telling a screwdriver from a spanner so we have decorated, fitted kitchens and insulated lofts.

By far the most help has been given by DiL's mother. She lives a mile or two away, while we live 200 miles away and from the word go she has been there any time help was needed, at times almost every day, to help with childcare and personal support. She has lent her car and generally been marvellous. Something DS & DDiL fully appreciate.

It seems that they have two choices. To accept the deposit and whatever comes with it or to go it alone and probably not get the house they want. I don't think that you can really get involved, unless you could financially help them.
What sort of control do they have? X
.

My DiL's parents are in a much more favourable financial position than DH and I oldcelt . We do not have the means to throw money at things but do a lot to help practically. I think this works quite well for our family although I admit to sometimes wishing they would do things differently, it is not my money, so I tend to try and stay out of it. I think in your siuation what I might do is to suggest a family get together from both sides and at the right time say something like "I am sure I speak for all of us when I say, we are happy to help in whatever way we can but obviously it is your life so we don't want to interfere in any way" and hope the in laws get the hint/message. Good luck. Families eh?

Do they really need to move if they can't really afford to? You say they have been together for fifteen years. They will either have to stay where they are, or accept the help of his parents and not let them control.