What's wrong with my lovely daughter?

I've just been reading through your thread again, gilly. It does seem as if your DD feels as if she's needing her mum just now, doesn't it? You are a really close family and no doubt there's a lot of warmth, kindness and support going on all the time within it. She's perhaps needing to be near you so that she can feel more secure than she has been feeling of late. The house and her ability to keep it clean and tidy has got on top of her (I have a DD like this, although she's estranged herself from me ). All the more reason not to want to be in it very often, and for her to want to be with you where she doesn't feel judged. Mums are 'fixers'. As some of the others were saying, given time and while helping her sort her house out, you can maybe get to the bottom of how she's feeling. x

Thank you all again for such helpful advice. My DD works all kinds of shifts from 6am until 10pm (sometimes split too) so it's difficult to have a set day in which to do anything grannyactivist but I have decided though that I am going to make a point of helping her at least once a week (what am I starting?????) at least until we can get on top of things. Yes Stansgran I do have quite a bit going on with mum, dad,grandma, the grandchildren and work too but I don't think there is any way she could come home on a permanent basis. I only have a two bed roomed house and I have the three grandchildren staying 2 nights a week. Anyway I think this would mean a step back for her (she is almost 30 after all). She does stay "over" here at least once a week anyway and she knows she is welcome anytime (when the room is free obviously) I think that there is a lot more to this than just neglecting the house. I think she is probably fed up with her rubbish job and having few friends and almost a zero social life doesn't help either.

Thanks again everyone. Where would we be without Gransnet?

I think Gillybob from reading her other posts has an awful lot on her plate and adding in cleaning sessions ...hmm.what about her selling the house and coming back to live with you? Or even renting out the house? It could be that it's a reminder of how things went wrong. Sometimes a house can feel it hates you,always needing cleaning or tidying or repairing.

I agree with grannyactivist in that it is easier to talk whilst doing something. Years ago...my son and I would sometimes go for an evening walk and put the world to rights. Didn't matter what the weather was like. When he said - fancy a walk mam I knew that sometime during our walk he would get to the point.

It would serve the purpose of sorting your daughter's house and also possibly be a gentle introduction to bonding time. You would be 'helping' her rather than doing it for her.

gilly I wonder if it's possible for you to go round to your daughter's place once a week on a regular basis to clean house together with her? It would give her (and you) opportunities to talk and also give her some responsibility for sorting the problem - and once the house is tidy and she's regained some control of that she may feel better about herself. I know it's always a juggling act to manage home, work AND be there for our adult children, but as I've said elsewhere sometimes it's better to act in the short term than deal with longer term problems.

Nothing at all to add to the brilliant advice above gilly.

DD3 has never been the tidiest person but when her marriage to the idiot was falling apart her house was too. As POGS said, lots of us have been there and come out the other side with our daughters! It does sound like depression.

You have enough on your plate at the moment so take care of yourself as well as everyone else

gilly I'm so sorry to hear that your daughter is having such a bad time. It does sound very much like depression. Would she see her GP do you think?
Perhaps she could be referred to a counsellor who may be able to help her.

As you mention she is staying a lot at your house and even comes in to work with you sometimes I wonder if there is something she wants to talk to you about but doesn't know how to broach whatever it is. Perhaps she is hoping you will instigate the conversation.

Also, it does sound very much like she is depressed, given that the house and garden were in a much worse state than you have ever seen previously. Do you think she is eating properly? If she works long and antisocial hours it's easy to resort to "snacking" and that might partly account for her lack of energy. As she is feeling very down at the moment, I think perhaps for a few weeks some help in the house (and maybe a couple of meals for the freezer) might remove some pressure.

It's often the sweetest, kindest people that people take advantage of- and it seems from what you say that various employers (and others) have not played fair. I can understand why she feels disheartened and has lost confidence, but at least she has a family that loves and helps her - that must give her some comfort.

I do hope that your daughter soon feels better.

I can't really add much to the above, gillybob. I do hope your DD manages to regain her confidence and self esteem. All you can do is continue to support. That's what we mums are for.

I'm sending you instead of because it sounds like you could do with it.

gilly your DD as been through a lot these last couple of years. Have some girly time together and see if she will open up to you.
Could there be something going on in her relationship that you have been unaware of, behind closed doors and all that ???

A useful resource for getting organised is www.flylady.net. It's all about doing a little at a time, being kind to yourself and not getting burned out.

It does sound,tho, as if the job is sapping all her energy and pushing her into depression. Can you talk to her about that and encourage her to stop taking all the cr*p shifts, so that she can start to have a life of her own?

If you are able to take on the cleaning of her home, for a limited time, offer to do that but make sure it's what she wants and that she doesn't feel a failure because of it being done.

and to you, gillybob, and to your daughter.

gillybob have you talked to her about pregnancy ? As she is nearing her 30's perhaps she is longing for a baby but not seeing this as viable with the current boyfriend. Possibly she is looking longingly at her brother's lovely family and wishing she could have the same. Life is so much more complicated for young people now and it can be like treading on eggshells. I hope you can get to the bottom of it

I am thinking the same as jane, it does sound like every thing has become too hard at the moment. Some help from mum and a life coach may give her that boost she needs.

She needs some friends who aren't married and busy with children - either old friends or new ones - who she can socialise with and chat to.

Also I would recommend a little book called Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui by Karen Kingston - you don't have to believe the feng shui aspects but the author encourages people to sort out their homes as part of a personal development process.

It is definitely a vicious circle - you feel depressed, can't find the energy to tidy up, then your environment makes you feel more depressed.

Gilly Don't worry about speaking to her like a naughty child. It's perhaps what she needed.
I don't mean that in a nasty authoritarian way, I mean that she needed to feel like a child again, with you as her mum, taking her problems and responsibilities away for her.
It will only be temporary I'm sure - with you to support her, she'll get back on her feet.
I'm not sure going to the doctor with ? depression is the answer - I think if she needs help, maybe mentoring or life-coaching would help her be more assertive about her needs at work, and make her see that she really is capable of holding her life together by herself.

Oh dear gilly I'm so sorry. It sounds as though she has neglected the house for a while and the disorder and suchlike has just continued to build to the extent that she can't cope with making a start on it. Almost like someone who overeats, becomes obese and can't see any way of being slim again - it just seems too big a task.

It could be once you've managed to sort out the practical jobs and the house and garden are clean and tidy, it will give her the impetus to continue to keep it that way.

But I agree with you and others, this is just how her emotional problems are manifesting themselves. She really needs a good "best friend" doesn't she? Someone to let off steam with and talk to and take her out of herself. What a difficult situation for you, sorry I can't offer any useful advice x

Gilly She might be pleased you have gone in and helped if she is feeling really down she needs a bit of help to get going.

Apologise if to her if you had thought you sounded rude and offer to help again.
She does sound as if she wants help from you because she wants to spend time with you. Is she saying Mum please come and make it all better for me?
Would she see an employment consultant or such.
The trouble is if she feels down about her job, she probably feels useless so she has lost the confidence to face any new challenge.

She needs the very caring version of a kick up the backside, poor lass.

Oh it's most definitely a dead end job JaneA. She has a good degree and went through the McDonalds management program (which is one of the best retail management training programs there is). She was climbing the ladder but left when her store got sold to a franchisee (a whole other issue here). She then went to a coffee chain (the most famous one) and was promised the earth but is stuck doing a store managers job (complete with all the responsibility) for a shift managers pay. She takes on all the cr*p herself and ends up working the worst hours that no-one else will do. The company are well and truly laughing all the way to the bank! I have found lots of better jobs online that she could do with her eyes closed but she just says NO. I don't think she has the confidence to change. You have hit the nail on the head with her friends being in better places. The group of friends she had after uni have all gone their separate ways. some married, some in really good jobs and she probably thinks to herself that she has neither.

Nellie the new boyfriend is actually a recycled boyfriend from teenage years. They split up when she went to uni as she had ambition and he did not. What on earth happened to it I don't know. He is still in the factory job he took after he left school. He is a lovely gentle lad but has no get up and go whatsoever. Definitely no abuse there. When I walked in yesterday I was so shocked. My face must have spoke volumes and she just sighed and said "yes, I know". I then said "well I'm getting stuck in here, you can't live like this, its disgusting! " she seemed sad and I very much regret the way I spoke to her like a naughty child.

She has always been a bit untidy Glamma although quite clean. But this was a whole different level of untidy. Also I am ashamed to say the house wasn't very clean either. She couldn't stay with me during working days as she would not beable to get to work from mine very easily. She does stay often when she is off work though. Its sad but she doesn't seem to have many friends these days. She is quite shy and seems to have very low self confidence of late. She knows she is welcome at "home" anytime but I don't think its doing her any good when she should be having fun with people her own age.

That could have been "my" daughter jings everything she says seems to be with a big sigh.... when we left hers last night it was as though she didn't know what to do once we had gone home.

I'm not sure how long I can continue to blame her ex though*POGS*. Yes he was a rat but she seemed to be doing a lot better but now its as though she has gone back over (as you say one forward, two back) and has given up caring about herself and the house. She doesn't seem to laugh much anymore and hardly ever goes out. I feel like a terrible mother now thinking of her sitting on her own amid the chaos but it is so hard trying to keep all the balls in the air as it is. Perhaps I need to spend less time looking after the oldies and the young ones in my family and spend more time looking after my daughter.

I agree that I need to try and spend more time with herTeetime and also that the worse state the house gets in the least she would be able to tackle it. I am good at getting stuck in but what i really want is for her to get her pride back both in herself and her lovely little home.

Thank you all again for wise and kind words. to you all. x

Gilliybob Does she seem unhappy in the relationship? Are the any power and control issues or domestic abuse in other ways?

How did she react when you saw the state of the place?

How about taking her out for lunch and raising your concerns with her.
She might be reluctant to off load on you but she might just appreciate someone knowing that she is feeling down and not have to pretend everything is OK.

Only just seen this gilly - I hope you can get to the bottom of what's going on, but it does sound as though she needs some help to regain her confidence. Is the job what she really wants to do, or a stepping stone to something else, or a dead-end?
I think the 20s can be a difficult time - when they are at school, the stepping stones in life all happen at more or less the same time as their group of friends. Then afterwards, paths diverge and comparisons with their peer group become more stark. Perhaps your DD is comparing herself unfavourably with former friends who are in happier situations?
I think the housework thing is a vicious circle.
You feel low, so you don't bother. Then because the place is a tip, you feel even worse. I'm sure you helping to sort it will make her feel better and perhaps will be the catalyst for her opening up to you about what's really going on.
((Big hug))

Oh dear its does sound like depression doesn't it. The problem is that people often don't want to admit depression as it feels like failure and there seems to be a stigma attached to it. Its a high pressure world at work these days. It seems that she just wants her Mum which is not a bad thing. If it were me I'd try to spend as much time with her as as possible with a few pampering treats like a nice home baked cake thrown in- wear her reserve down with kindness and it wont be long before she spills the beans. As for housework etc she wont be feeling like doing it and the worse it gets the less she will feel like attacking it so she is going to need all the help she can get even if they are only symptoms they can really get you down and make matters worse. I hope she is feeling better soon and that its not too much for you.

Gillybob

I have found myself in a similar position over the past 18 months.

My daughter has just gone through a divorce, it has been 'kind of' amicable but even then it was obvious depression and a feeling of having 'no self worth' had crept into my daughters life. At one time she and my DGD lived with us for a while. I think that has possibly been a scenario quite a few GN's may have experienced at one time or another sadly.

During this horrible period her home etc. meant very little, she couldn't see it! She was not able to think straight.!

All we could do was be there, help with the house and garden, offer support, as you are obviously doing for the love of your daughter. Things have turned a corner, although it is always one step forward two steps back, bugger it, however it has been a roller coaster and she has come out of it with more confidence and is looking pretty self reliant once more.

I am sorry I cannot offer constructive points but I could read the heartache in your post and I guess all I could offer is empathy with a dash of hope. I hope as time passes things will level out but it will take honesty on your part but handled with utmost care.

You're right Glamma. Girlfriends can be a blessing for getting them out of themselves.

They have to work so hard these days. They get exhausted. I really feel for them. When DD left here yesterday (after a family celebration) she said, "Oh well. One foot in front of the other".