I left my partner

I would always hope that both parties would get a fair deal from a divorce.

Indeed Starling, it's a messy business business at the best of times.

HollyDaze I would always hope that both parties would get a fair deal from a divorce. I just thought it sounded sad that elderly men were missing their garden and shed and so on.... I suppose it's the idea of one partner keeping the family home. But to return to the original question, yes I do think in many cases it can be easier to live apart!

sussexpoet; how would you have felt if you partner had moved close to where you live without discussing it with you first?

Do we expect them to just be able to let go of everything that has been important to them?

Do most of them let go of everything? I thought everything was split 50/50 (for the lucky women who actually get 50% anyway) - the men still tend to do better out of divorce than the women do (the last time I read about it anyway).

I am convinced that lack of space - physical or spiritual - is the reason behind most unhappy relationships and breakups.

I tend to agree - some people are not cut out for living in close proximity over an extended period of time.

I can understand this situation very well: I lived on my own for a number of years, having finally given up on the state of marriage generally (and being lucky not to lose the roof over my head, left with enormous debts, etc.) and I value my space. For the past nearly 10 years, I have had a partner who loves me dearly, as I love him. When I first met him he lived about 15 miles away from me; he moved into my town 4 years ago and has his own flat a 10-minute walk away. We spend a great deal of time together, but neither of us would want to live together fulltime - we'd be killing each other about twice a week! He had also lived alone for a long time. So we are within easy reach of each other, but retain our privacy, both physical and psychological. I am convinced that lack of space - physical or spiritual - is the reason behind most unhappy relationships and breakups. Have a happy, independent, life, Naniwood, and good luck to you!

Unusually for me, as I do identify with most of the women in this thread, I am actually feeling quite sorry for most of the men mentioned - they are obviously attached to their ex-spouse as a friend, and emotionally attached to their former family home, which after all was their home too, and we have another thread about that. Do we expect them to just be able to let go of everything that has been important to them?

I'm not meaning this as a comment on any individual's situation, just the general theme.

Sad specki but also courageous. Keep on doing your best - you're obviously the better person.

Oh, specki - how sad...

My ex comes back to the FMH (where I still live whilst it is on the market). When I wake up on the morning of his visit, I feel this black dread. He arrives without announcing his presence or offering a greeting, mows the grass and faffs about a bit in the garage and then leaves without saying goodbye. I used to make him a cup of coffee and take it out to him...until I realised how rude he was being - now I get the hell out and don't come back until he's left.

After thirty years of pandering to his every need - he's not easy to ignore but I do my very best!

I don't have personal experience of this but know of two instances. The elderly couple living near my SIL had two separate bungalows next door to each other and were perfectly happy with this arrangement until they both died in old age.

Another couple who were our neighbours lived together for a while but she moved out a few years ago; they were still friends and he has recently moved to be much nearer to her. We now see them together out and about and they seem very happy with this arrangement.

Whatever suits you - and I mean you!

Hello Naniwood67

This is the situation my husband and I ended up in. He also wanted to come back but I just couldn't have that happen. He did start off visiting once a week but then those visits started to creep up and up until he was here 2 or 3 times in the week and all day Saturday and Sunday. That had to be stopped. It didn't go down well at first with him (he became very defensive) but it did settle to once a week and all day Saturday and Sunday (but going home at night and nothing romantic at all).

Whether it can work depends upon what you both want - if you are both happy to just keep it as friendship, then it should work; if not, I doubt it will.

I have read that this sort of relationship, known as 'living apart togther', is common amongst our age group. I have lived alone for 15 years, and could NEVER share my home again. I hope you will continue to enjoy your peace and come together at times to suit you both.

When I parted from my first husband I saw him regularly about 3 times a week, for about an hour after I finished work. We'd go for a drink, and I dreaded every minute of it. This went on for about 18 months until I could stand it no longer. He did not believe that I wouldn't go back to him. House was sold and still he wouldn't believe me. Why did I still meet him. I felt sorry for him and didn't want to wish any harm, just wanted some peace.
When I served divorce papers after 2 years separation he still thought I'd change my mind.

In the end I cut all ties and at last felt some peace of mind.

I think a good relationship can work as long as it is how both parties want it and are content. If one wants more than the other it could raise issues and resentments.

Don't do it because you are feeling pressured which is what I did.
Do what you really want.

Yes, you can have a good relationship, Naniwood, as long as he accepts that you will not go back to live with him.

The only very similar circumstances I know of are those of my friend's next door neighbour. She is now 74 and asked her man friend to leave her house a couple of years ago, she just wanted to live on her own and not be the one doing all the work I think! Things were rather acrimonious at first, but I have heard that she broke her leg just over a week ago and he is looking after her. Much to my friend's relief as she is rather frazzled caring for her own mother.

I have never been in this situation but DH's BiL has had a partner for 10yrs they have never lived together but he does spend some nights at hers. They are 71 and 68 and are very happy with their situation.

I think you can still have a good relationship living apart if that's what you want!
Don't do it just because he wants it though, that's just 'people pleasing'.

I did the same thing, we carried on doing things together when we wanted to, but there is no way I would have lived with him again.

You've done the hard bit, now do what suits you! Life is too short!