Daughter-in-law problems....

pepper I could have written your post myself. My dil is a lovely girl & wonderful mum. She has treated me with a kindness that at times I didn’t deserve - I am ashamed to say that when my dgs was first born, I didn’t conduct myself the way I should have, didn’t offer the support my dil needed & looked for any and all signs that she was favouring her side of the family. This couldn’t have been further from the truth and I am so grateful that 1, I noticed the error of my ways before I caused permenent damage to our relationship and 2, that my dil was so forgiving. I’m not sure I would have been of my mil. I receive pictures of my dgs several times a week, and am in almost daily contact with my dil. My gratitude was even greater earlier this week when I received a beautiful, personalised birthday gift from ‘dgs’. Which I know it was solely down to my dil.

A lovely post Pepper. You're blessed with your lovely d.i.l. and your son.

WelcomePepper

Lovely first post and good of you to share

I do wonder when our AC will wake up and realise the pain & despair they have caused, for no reason. I miss my AC&GC each and every day My beloved GC have missed out on all that love and adoration from their maternal side of the family and especially my precious GD from all her real blood family that love her so, so, much

First tine poster
I really feel for all you with the stained relationship between son/daughter and the person they married. In the past I now realised that I did not treat my mother in law in the way that I would have liked to be treated myself. I now realise this now because my dil is lovely never tries to exclude me send me pictures of my g/d regularly and on mothers day presented me a gift from my g/d and a card after my son had given me his gift. She never demonstrates that I take over my g/d when she visits letting me and my husband feed her and cuddle and from her I have learnt restraint and respect for her and my son who also puts in boundaries that I do not cross I feel blessed that one I raised a son that values his family first and is loyal but sets his family on their own course and because I am blessed with a dil who is thoughtful and kind. I know I am lucky and wish I had treated my mil in the same and considerate manner.instead of behaving like a spoilt brat at times.

Even worse in my case Humpty

Humptydumpty, you will be ok. My ex son-in-law was great......no arguments, no bitching, just a lovely boy...sadly, their marriage didn't last (the usual thing, had an affair....men can't help their animal urges, it's wrong but it's a fact) but he is a good Dad to my lovely grandchildren.

All these posts make me very glad that I have a daughter and no son - or are SiL's just as bad???!!

I have an email bluebird from our ES when we were aware of problems but had no idea what was to come. He wrote 'we'll never stop you from seeing .... because we know how much you love him.

It had never, up to that point, entered my head that they would; perhaps it was a premonition he had.

Irishrose yes we definitely have a piece of ourselves missing, our AC&GC have left a big hole My DD & I were talking about the effects of this on our lives yesterday, after having such a lovely day celebrating my sister's birthday with a nice walk on the beach [icy wind!] and then a lovely meal. When my sister left to return to London, my DD & I sat and had a long, long chat about it all, the damage that can never be repaired, can never turn that clock back

Talking about your premonitions Bluebird I used to have a re-occurring nightmare, when my C were small, about losing my children, still sometimes get the same one, they are still small , same nightmare

smileless2012 and yogagirl thank you for responding to acknowledge how great it is that my son comes here with the GC. I am very lucky...and feel sad that you both have suffered in cruel ways.

Years ago when the eldest GS was very young and my son and DIL were having problems I said I was worried I would lose my GS. He stated then there would be no way ever that I wouldn't see him, no way. [ I must have had a premonition, I do have them].

And so when things blew up 3 years ago he kept to his word and I admire him and appreciate him so much for it.

He knows his wife is difficult/complex and has problems yet he is also loyal to her. The GC never mention the issue, I just ask if their mum is ok, I am told if she is going on holiday or has a new car/job...then leave it.

I assume she isn't bad mouthing me her end to her sons so that could be to her credit. I don't know.

The irony of all this is that a few weeks before DIL put her sarcastic, provocative post online I had been on a thread online saying how lucky I was to have 2 lovely daughters in law!

Hello everyone,
It makes me sad when I feel the pain in all of your posts.
So many of us with daughters-in-law who have refused all efforts to have a pleasant relationship. We can’t all be wrong can we?

Besides the obvious heartache of never knowing my grandchildren, I feel that I’ve lost a bit of me as a person. In business I worked very successfully in a managerial position with people from all walks of life. Of course there were the occasional difficult ones, but I was able to handle them without resorting to nastiness, or losing my self respect. Many became friends. Now I feel like a second class citizen, forced to keep quiet and be someone I’m not, in order not to cause WW3 for my sons.

Seejay sorry for the loss of your dear mum. Mine died on Easter Sunday.

Bluebird I think you are very lucky that your son visits with the GC, best to keep it that way, wish this was what my estD had done!

Hope all is going better with you sundried

I have the same problem Seejay....details on another thread or earlier on in this thread, can't remember. You are not alone. She is very rude to me, bullies me, barbs at me. I have taken the advice of all the lovely ladies here and have not said anything to her or to my son. I don't see them, talk to them, phone them or text them. A few weeks ago they invited me for Easter Lunch, along with her parents. I don't feel like going. It will be like going to the torture chamber...that's what she does ..tortures me . My son has nothing nice to say to me either.

thank you xx

Seejay condolences at this difficult time ?. Your DIL lacks basic respectful behaviour regardless of how she is related to you.
I would not confront her, it would only make things worse and possibly play into her hands.
Be dignified and rise above her behaviour, be polite in her presence and give her no cause to discredit you.
Difficult I know.

bluebird. Thank God for your son, for him not allowing you to lose touch with him and his children.

I wish my ES had an ounce of your son's courage and integrity.

My daughter in law was ok until she married my son after being with him for 14 years by that time, and having 2 children. She seemed to ramp up her possessiveness each year...yet no one was trying to take him away! She certainly knew she held the ace card.

Before that I helped all I could, going over to play with the GC once a week [all approved by her], picking them up from nursery, babysitting, having one of them for weekends to give them a bread, taking them out for most of the day in school hols etc. etc. I never interfered.

Then I started to feel unwelcome, subtle differences, I asked if everything was ok...yes it was. I got digs and scoffing about my age, snorts if I said what I was doing at weekends etc...just ridiculing me in general. It was making me unhappy and I did not know what was going on, just that I wasn't needed in the same way as when the GC were smaller.

She then posted something on the internet inferring poor parenting and interfering with GC...basically a huge lack of respect for me and my life. She thought I wouldn't see it. I did. I was gutted, it was nasty. Just DIL showing off to her friends. [It's a long story, much more to this I would be here all night. That was the last straw for me].

My son was furious with her. I asked for an apology. A text would have done, let alone a visit [we live quite near, a walk away]...3 years on she hasn't and won't. My son comes to me now and brings the GC, he won't allow me to lose contact. My other son and other DIL are wary of her, are polite but not impressed.

I now longer go to their house. It's best this way. The thought of seeing her and her betrayal literally makes me feel nauseous. She's told me in the past it is 'her' house!

She has her own problems and demons yet I have been the one in the firing line.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother seejay, my Mum died on a Mothering Sunday many years ago and it’s a link that can be particularly difficult, I hope your son has been supportive and kind while he mourns his grandmother. I’m sorry your relationship with your daughter in law has been so difficult. I can understand your patience running out and her lack of communication seeming hurtful. I suspect I will disappoint you now. I don’t think I can offer any advice other than to say that it’s often a mistake to make big decisions when we are grieving. Others will be along soon I expect who may have different thoughts. In the meantime please look after yourself at this very difficult time.

Hello everyone- I’m new to this site. But need some advice.
I’ll try to be brief.
I’m really shocked by all the advice I’ve found online that as a grandparent and mother in law I should always be welcoming and lovely to a rude, ungrateful uncommunicative selfish daughter in law because our son has chosen her and she may change one day.
I’m not the only that feels this way one surely?!
In any other aspect of my life I wouldn’t tolerate direct rude behaviour. We brought our children up to speak out against bullying behaviour and that includes recognising passive aggressive ones. Why then when I’m older and ‘wiser’ am I told to put up shut up smile and invite it in, let it settle on the sofa and give it cake and tea.
My mother died on Mothering Sunday 9 days ago. Not a word from my daughter in law, no phone call- nothing. We have welcomed, cajoled and encouraged her, for 6 years so far and I’m running out of patience. She is mute around us, but we witness gregarious communication with others- just not with me and my partner. In fact the only comments are generally sharp well aimed barbs towards me. Should I confront her and say I will no longer tolerate her behaviour. I’m getting very close to telling my son not to bring her to see us EVER again.

Daughter in law difficulties

Your friend was spot on IrishRose and not only do you deserve their respect, you deserve their gratitude because you raised two wonderful men and they are fortunate enough to be married to them.

I was having coffee with a friend of over fifty years. She knows me inside out. I was saying that, despite not knowing my grandchildren, I’m lucky to still have my sons.

Well, this normally placid lady banged the kitchen table until the cups rattled making me jump, and really let rip. Paraphrasing - and missing out the swear words! - she was saying that luck had nothing to do with it, I had brought up two wonderful men, asking nothing in return but their love, and that my daughters-in-law were the lucky ones, and if nothing else I deserved their respect. There was more of the same, but you know what, she was right. It doesn’t change the fact that there are little people out there who haven’t a clue who I am...but it did make me feel a bit better....for a little while.

Smileless you made me ? never heard that one before ha

Smileless. Her mother is 10 years younger but she has a grandmother who is 15 years older than me. It’s a load of nonsense and just an excuse for bad behaviour!

What about your di.l.'s mother Fairydoll isn't she a similar age to you?

I'll never forget the night ES got engaged and she looked me in the eye and said "I have only child syndrome, I don't share".

It's just horrible Madgran. When I think of all the crap and the times we gave her the benefit of the doubt, I wish we'd never bothered. I wish now I hadn't heeded my dear GM's advice and kept my powder dry, I wish I'd let her have it with both barrels.

Well who knows, maybe one day I'll get the chance to do just that.