Daughter-in-law problems....

Anne. You have my total understanding and sympathy.

Like Smileless (Hi!) I too don't understand why DIL's don't get on with their partners parents - his mother, predominately. It seems to be a sign of the times, unfortunately. In our case, as seems the norm, all was well until DIL gave birth. We then had 18 months of being accused of things we hadn't said, things we hadn't done and even accused of thinking thoughts we never had. Walking on eggshells was putting it mildly. PND ( if indeed it was that) as far as I'm aware,does not make a woman throw totally false and damaging accusations against the paternal grandparents. We had always stayed on the periphery - giving help only if it was asked for which it frequently was. In fact if DIL said 'Jump' we said, 'How high?' I kid you not! Now, we are happily estranged from my sons partner but it puts him 'in the middle' as he is now totally responsible for us seeing our only grandchild - which he does, admirably, but it is still a difficult situation and at times things can be a bit 'tense', particularly if he happens to mention 'her.' I count myself lucky though, it could be far worse.

Hi,just going down this road.DIL lives an hour away,quite doable to visit but they only come to me twice a year.I offer to have them and cook Christmases ,birthdays etc but in the last 10 years no big days have been honoured in my house.
She has extended family and her view is it would be too much for me but I am fed up going over there to enjoy an event which is shared always with my ex .I don't want to offend my son but she dictates terms, he can't answer his phone and have a discussion with me ,all I hear are her comments in the background , my grandchildren have only just been allowed to stay over ,they are 5 and 7 . Seen your post and wondered about talking to my son but feel after 10 years might be a lost cause.Her children have been christened with her surname , what's that all about. VERY SAD.

Maybe see him in the next couple of days and give his pressie then?

There are some kind posts on here and the idea of a small party is great. It's a shame not to be invited. Yes some families are busy and self involved which is hurtful to grandparents but some grandparents do themselves no favours either by being interfering, possessive, jealous and critical.

I am estranged from my family as they didn't want me and had no time for me. I was just dismissed. I've heard from a mutual friend they regret it now but it's too late.

My partner's mother (recently deceased) was lovely to me at first and I was really pleased but when it was clear I was going to be a permanent fixture she turned on a sixpence into a cold and difficult person who I couldn't do anything right for. I was cut out of her life and banned from her home as she was jealous and possessive over DP, having been recently divorced, her mother who she lived with had just died and her other son had just moved away. It didn't occur to her what she could have gained.

I told DP that his relationship with his mother was his business and our relationship was ours. We have no children. His mother ended up very lonely as he had to split himself in two and couldn't spend as much time with her, which he could have done had she accepted our relationship or at least been civil to me. She was ill for a long time before dying and told DP I was welcome to visit but I said I'm not being snubbed for a length of time and then bothered with just because it suits. I wasn't going to be used or manipulated. Ditto with my family.

Yes perhaps I'm socially awkward and have major issues but what do you do when you haven't been given the choice?

People need to learn there are consequences.

I hope you see your grandson soon.

What a horrible post Stayanotherday

This thread was started in 2014.

Obviously the same problems go on and on Anya. It's very sad.

Yes, this is a very old thread. The op's gs will soon be 7.

Sundried, do you still read here? Have things gotten any better?

Nantastic, your dil sounds very controlling. I'm so sorry. But she may mean well. She may really feel that hosting would be "too much for" you, as offensive as that may sound. Also, she may see these occasions as a chance to "get in" everybody - you, her extended family, and yes, your ex. If you hosted, presumably, you wouldn't invite ex and then they'd have to celebrate with him on a separate day. They might not want to do that.

You don't have to go to all their events though. It depends on whether it means more to be with ds and the gc or to avoid your ex.

Have you tried inviting them - just their little family - ds, dil, & gc - over for a simple lunch or dinner, unrelated to birthdays or Christmas? Maybe that would work better?

Stayanotherday, my heart goes out to you! How painful to have been rejected by your own family! I'm sure it had to do with unfortunate circumstances and was never really about you at all.

So sad, also, about DP's mom's behavior. It must have hurt all the more after being pushed away by your own family. But it seems to have been more about her and what she went through than about you.

It sounds as if you handled both situations as well as possible. Have you had counselling? It's done a good job if you have, imo. If you haven't, I recommend it. Iv heard there are programs to help "socially awkward" people (Idk for sure), and that might be a good idea, too.

Thanks so much Starlady. I hope you don't have problems like that.

Sorry if I've offended anybody as I'm aware we live in a different society and many people go on their merry way forgetting about older relatives, taking what they want and not caring in return. I'm sorry for the OP who was doing her best and anybody else in difficult situations. I hope things worked out for her. I just meant that I can relate to it from the other side of things. Not sure how I was being horrible?

Yes my parents were children themselves having me, I wasn't planned. They felt trapped and were pressured into an unhappy marriage where they blamed me. I was and still am quiet, shy and geekish. An easy scapegoat. We lived rurally and they weren't sociable people. The rest of the family didn't live locally, were a different age group, few family members were close with lots of jealousy and bickering and maybe they chose to look the other way.

On meeting DP, you're right Starlady, I did want to get on with his mother and saw it as a chance to have a mam figure or at the very least have a civil relationship as it makes life easier for everybody. This lady was going through a tough time admittedly and saw me as a rival instead of a potential daughter/friend. There's a history of her not getting on with her son's partners. When the hostility started I was hurt but decided to distance myself in return as I wasn't putting myself through that again. I never made it difficult for DP to see her as that's their business. His family are 'you're either family or a stranger' but the rest of them have been pleasant enough.

I asked myself what I did to deserve it, any reasonable person would and I'm not blameless but what do you do when somebody's taken against you and you can't do anything right? It's best to leave them alone than hit your head against a wall.

Thanks for the recommendation for counselling. I will think about that, although it'll be very painful to bring it up. I will look into those programs, it's always worth doing what you can to improve and when you haven't learnt social skills when younger. Thanks a lot for your kind words.

You're very welcome, stay. I feel for you and I wish you the best.

Stayanotherday I said the post was horrible, not you.

Thanks a lot Starlady and Yogagirl for your kindness. I feel for everybody in these situations, it's horrid.

I have a son who lives with his family in New York. The GC are very welcoming, as opposed to my always sulking DiL. I stay with them. Hat would you suggest? My son doesn't even think about my staying in a hotel!

I would tell your son you're coming for a few days holiday, book a hotel and ask when they're free to see you. That way you don't have to see DIL, you could meet your son and grandchildren on their own if that would avoid a difficult situation.

I'm very involved and have a great relationship with my Dd, Ds and both their other halves, so no problems at all but I noticed that as soon as they started having Birthday Parties with friends from school, I wasn't invited any more. Was I bothered, was I heck.
Don't be upset, this seems to be how it's done these days.

Grandparents are not usually invited to our DGS's parties and probably won't be to DGD's. Usually it is their friends and the friend's parents and is usually noisy and chaotic. There is always a grandparents party before or after in the house which works out nicely. Last year I did help as did DD2 and DS as DD1 was on bedrest with pregnancy complications so not allowed to do much. I think all the daddies had the greatest fun at that

I read so many familiar things in here and continue to dread possible CO by my DIL!

Madgranit must be awful to live with the fear of being cut out.

Being CO is really awful but at least Mr. S. and I are no longer living on tender hooks and wondering if or when we're going to see our ES and GC.

Hope it doesn't come to that for you.

I had no idea of this estrangement thing, I had heard of estrangement, but thought there was a good reason for it, a family argument or such, but never thought I could be in for it! I wish I had read this thread on GN [didn't know about GN] and been warned of what could happen. At least you have some awareness Madgran and can therefore, hopefully avoid what has happened to me, Smileless and so may other kind, gentle Grandmothers on here [& other forums, many, many of them too!]

Sudried, It sounds as if you might expect too much due to distance.

I find the post from Stayanotherday very upsetting, such unhappiness for everyone.

Yes Nonu I agree

Reading these posts, I felt some comfort to think I was not the only one going through DIL problems. I have 2 DILs .....one is the sweetest, kindest girl you could find. The other is just downright rude and obnoxious. She is an only child and spoilt to the core. She is trying to alienate my son from me....she knows I was close to him. Unfortunately he doesn't have the guts to cross her and therefore he and I are so distant. It's 2 weeks since I had an op on my breast and neither of them have come to visit me , texted me once . She has 2 little ones and her excuse will be that she is too busy. But she is not too busy to visit her Mum and even visits my ex-husband and his new wife . I just have to live and let live....I thank Heaven for what I have ...... thanks for listening .

Slightly off-piste and we have lovely DIL but her mother is the fly in the ointment. Admittedly they look after the GC 3 days a week - their choice - but as DS son says they go to the opening of an envelope! So GS 2nd birthday party last Saturday, we said we'd bail out but DS wanted us there as despite it being for babies and parents, his MIL was going. Last straw was when we walked in and she told me where the coat hooks were.