Daughter-in-law problems....

This thread was started in 2014.

What a horrible post Stayanotherday

There are some kind posts on here and the idea of a small party is great. It's a shame not to be invited. Yes some families are busy and self involved which is hurtful to grandparents but some grandparents do themselves no favours either by being interfering, possessive, jealous and critical.

I am estranged from my family as they didn't want me and had no time for me. I was just dismissed. I've heard from a mutual friend they regret it now but it's too late.

My partner's mother (recently deceased) was lovely to me at first and I was really pleased but when it was clear I was going to be a permanent fixture she turned on a sixpence into a cold and difficult person who I couldn't do anything right for. I was cut out of her life and banned from her home as she was jealous and possessive over DP, having been recently divorced, her mother who she lived with had just died and her other son had just moved away. It didn't occur to her what she could have gained.

I told DP that his relationship with his mother was his business and our relationship was ours. We have no children. His mother ended up very lonely as he had to split himself in two and couldn't spend as much time with her, which he could have done had she accepted our relationship or at least been civil to me. She was ill for a long time before dying and told DP I was welcome to visit but I said I'm not being snubbed for a length of time and then bothered with just because it suits. I wasn't going to be used or manipulated. Ditto with my family.

Yes perhaps I'm socially awkward and have major issues but what do you do when you haven't been given the choice?

People need to learn there are consequences.

I hope you see your grandson soon.

Maybe see him in the next couple of days and give his pressie then?

Hi,just going down this road.DIL lives an hour away,quite doable to visit but they only come to me twice a year.I offer to have them and cook Christmases ,birthdays etc but in the last 10 years no big days have been honoured in my house.
She has extended family and her view is it would be too much for me but I am fed up going over there to enjoy an event which is shared always with my ex .I don't want to offend my son but she dictates terms, he can't answer his phone and have a discussion with me ,all I hear are her comments in the background , my grandchildren have only just been allowed to stay over ,they are 5 and 7 . Seen your post and wondered about talking to my son but feel after 10 years might be a lost cause.Her children have been christened with her surname , what's that all about. VERY SAD.

Anne. You have my total understanding and sympathy.

Like Smileless (Hi!) I too don't understand why DIL's don't get on with their partners parents - his mother, predominately. It seems to be a sign of the times, unfortunately. In our case, as seems the norm, all was well until DIL gave birth. We then had 18 months of being accused of things we hadn't said, things we hadn't done and even accused of thinking thoughts we never had. Walking on eggshells was putting it mildly. PND ( if indeed it was that) as far as I'm aware,does not make a woman throw totally false and damaging accusations against the paternal grandparents. We had always stayed on the periphery - giving help only if it was asked for which it frequently was. In fact if DIL said 'Jump' we said, 'How high?' I kid you not! Now, we are happily estranged from my sons partner but it puts him 'in the middle' as he is now totally responsible for us seeing our only grandchild - which he does, admirably, but it is still a difficult situation and at times things can be a bit 'tense', particularly if he happens to mention 'her.' I count myself lucky though, it could be far worse.

I'm glad that you do at least get to see your grandchildren Anne and I hope that you'll be able to spend time with your grand daughter when she arrives.

It's such a shame that so many grandparents get to see so little of their grand children and so many don't get to see them at all. I don't know why so many young DIL don't get on with their partners parents, but even if that is the case, why should their children miss out on their grand parents.

I remember an old saying:

A son is a son 'til he takes him a wife. A daughter is a daughter for all of her life. I have found this very true!

I am much in same situation- I live practically round the corner from son and his partner - but feel I should make an appointment before I visit to see my grandchildren- I live on my own as lost my husband in 2008. Thankfully I still work which helps and I do make arrangements via my son to have my grandsons visit me on occasions. My son's partner does not visit me - she is allergic to my cat which is probably true so I go visit my son and his family when I am able but at times it is really hard work trying to act myself when she is around! To be honest I sometimes just want to just ask out straight what her problem is with me but for peace sake I think it best not to so I just concentrate on my grandsons and treasure my time I do have with them - I have a granddaughter due in September. I do believe it is quite common these days for young DIL not to get on with their partner's mother - why? I am not sure and gone past caring as to the whys - it is what it is - it is sad but what can you do? In the beginning I felt I was walking on eggshells and would try so hard to be 'nice' - not any more - I just see my grandchildren and treasure my time with them - Anne

Kiora, I know what you mean. I have only one baby grandchild, yet my DIL comes from a huge family with 8 or 9 grandchildren, nephews and nieces etc. My mum died when I was young and my MIL was very uninvolved, despite my best efforts. I don't have much family nearby. My DIL is extremely possessive of my son and grandchild and controls all visits. I see my grandchild around every 10 days. The few times my family get together, eg birthday meals, she hates me taking photos, despite her family constantly posting posts and pics on Facebook. They had some professional pics taken and I asked nicely if they could put some on a disc for me but she replied it's up to her and my son who sees the photos. This is just one example. I have to wait for permission from her for everything involving my son and grandbaby. xx

Kiora, I know what you mean. I have only one baby grandchild, yet my DIL comes from a huge family with 8 or 9 grandchildren, nephews and nieces etc. My mum died when I was young and my MIL was very uninvolved, despite my best efforts. I don't have much family nearby. My DIL is extremely possessive of my son and grandson and controls all visits. I see my grandchild around every 10 days. The few times my family get together, eg birthday meals, she hates me taking photos, despite her family constantly posting posts and pics on Facebook. They had some professional pics taken and I asked nicely if they could put some on a disc for me but she replied it's up to her and my son who sees the photos. This is just one example. I have to wait for permission from her for everything involving my son and grandbaby. xx

I have 9 GC the eldest being 34 , and the 7 that are my daughters have been great sources of joy and love, the youngest of these is 18 yrs. So my life used to be very full and happy !!
Which helped cover the flaws in our marriage,

Well I didn't have a mum, and got along with my mil very well, had great respect for her!
So just don't understand my situ with dil, both GD go to school at the end of my road, but have never called here to see us ! We are retired! Since the birth of the eldest , and problems as to seeing her, even though we have bent over backwards to help the parents, yes we are asked to baby sit when they were in bed,
Then as they grew -they would have a friend to stay as well , m which meant they didn't talk to us ! Also had their own TV in another room, it was cutting and hopeless !! So I stopped going, my excuse was I can't stand late nights, which parents always did ! But my health has gone down rapidly since, I had been s very outward going lady , full of energy, then I started having falls here or there causing some damage to ankle, then knee. Its been too hard to bear.

Any tips on dealing with a hostile ex DIL

I have two daughters-in-law.

One is volatile and takes offence at the slightest opportunity. The other one is as cold as ice.

They say sons chose a wife who is a bit like mum - I am neither volatile or ice cold.

The book Daughters in Law is very interesting indeed and worth a read if you have DILs or even if you haven't.

I remember thinking when I had my third son - one day I will have 3 DILs so far I only have the two but I am never relaxed around them - but to be fair I was never relaxed around my MIL.

I suppose its just as well that we have no idea when coming home from hospital with a treasured bundle the amount of pitfalls that lie ahead. At least when they are growing up problems can usually be sorted but when other outside relationships begin eggshells start to intrude. Happy resolutions seem to come from a good deal of tongue biting and turning the other cheek.

Have to agree about the tightrope thing.....

We have been to every one of our grandson's parties - always at DDs request and mostly to help with sorting out the food. I wouldn't have been too unhappy if she had said "it's okay, you don't have to come" (last year there were twenty little savages running around the woods in February and it was b****y cold - the candles on the cake kept blowing out!) but until this year, when he had a catered party, she never has. This year she said "you don't have to come, there's nothing for you to do, but you're very welcome." I can imagine how hurtful it is not to be invited - even if you wouldn't want to go! Relationships with DiLs can be like walking a tightrope. My son's first wife kept us very much at arms length (she didn't "do" families and they had no children) and did not get on with her own mother. We had no choice but to "suck it up" as they say.

What's wrong with a grandparent who lives just around the corner hoping for an invitation to their GC's birthday party. Sundried didn't say she was expecting to be invited, she simply stated that her son had told her she wasn't going to be.

I don't understand Ana why "a couple of helpers should ideally be the supervisors"; what's wrong with a grand mother who is willing, able and available helping out.

It's awful to feel as if you're "hanging by a thread" Sundried and so unpleasant and emotionally draining to feel as if you have to constantly walk on egg shells. We hung by a thread for about 8 months and although the past 2.5 years of our lives since that thread was cut have been unbelievably painful, at least we're no longer living with the stress and anxiety that plagued us while we waited for it to happen.

You're clearly not being paranoid, alarm bells are ringing and in the circumstances that's hardly surprising.

Living in such close proximity does make it a lot harder. Our only GC lives about 400 yards down the road, he's 3, we haven't had contact with him since he was 8 months old, he doesn't even know we exist.

We have friends whose only two GC live in Australia. They skype on a regular basis and see them as often as they can, about every 18 months. Their grand children know they're their grand parents. I'd rather be in their shoes than mine.

Hold on to the positives Sundried; you see your GC, your son brings him round. I think jinglbellsfrocks suggestion about having your own little party is inspired. Enjoy each precious moment you have with him. I hope every thing works out well for you.

Teatime. I have only read the first 2 posts here, but the first one is very much how my life..contact has been with my sons two daughters , the eldest is 15 yrs soon and the younger one will be 13 yrs come end of summer .
They only visit when I ask them to eat with us, and go within the hour after finishing!
The girls have never called at my home, called on mobile, I get cards saying lots of love from them at b.day and Xmas also mothering Sunday, though I am their grand mother !
I have 2 daughters who have been so kind and generous, but then so were we in helping lots of various ways! Their children visit ..contact..send cards ..and text me often ! They are older by around 8yrs , but it has always been so !
When family get together , my son and family make some effort to join us, or I ask them to share a meal out with us, of course I pay. But even these times are taunt , girls answer questions with yes or no !! Never talk of things they like or do, apart from this new dance craze of twisting,jumping,shaking to loud music ?!!

So time does not always answer the problem, I have hedged the subject with my son regards taking girls shopping or such, but his answer is he will speak to wife and girls....they are too busy , dance classes, exams, other commitments !!!
So not wanting to make trouble within his marriage ! I crawl back into my hole ..lol

DGS 3rd birthday is on Wednesday, we will have a little family get together, not hard as I live in the Granny flat downstairs from them. His actual party will be on a weekend at the end of the month as his little 'best friend' is on holiday with her parents for a couple of weeks.
It sadly will be mainly adults, nearly all DD and SILs freinds are either gay singles and couples or childless couples. No other family here on either side, and he is not at school yet. Hopefully next year will be different as he will have started school.
Due to an estrangement from DS2 not sure of the reason, he just keeps saying 'you know' umm no I don't. I never have any contact with DGS1 and have never even seen DGD, it breaks my heart but I just count my blessings that I have such a close relationship with DD and Dgs2.

i sympathise. I haven't seen my grandson since christmas even though they live only 45 mins drive away . I have given up asking t go over so I just stay away.

Sundried that must be a very difficult situation and I know I would feel hurt and excluded but, anyway as others have said, children's parties can be noisy and chaotic affairs.

Re your DIL, my oldest daughter has a partner who 'doesn't do family' as she puts it. I don't think they want children as they have a pretty busy and fulfilled life but I can imagine the problems if they ever do. We've met him a few times and he seems awkward and anti-social. I think he has had a very damaged childhood, he barely sees his own family. It's sad to think that some people have such a bad time when growing up that they just reject all family but I think it's more common than you might think. More and more, the news tells us that not everyone treats children as innocents with a right to their own bodies.

So you might not want to take it personally but instead see it as something that is to do with her and try not to feel rejected. Have you tried to talk to your DS about how she is? I imagine she may have confided in him and I would guess it's not about how awful you are (which is probably what you fear) but instead why she is the way she is. He may feel rather caught in the middle. It would be nice if your GS came around near to his birthday so that you can celebrate it with him and his dad.
Don't feel bad, and things may change in time.

Yes, that is happening with DGD.

We used to do two parties for our DC's birthdays, one children's party for their friends and another little family "party" on a separate day.