Daughter-in-law problems....

We are going to DGD's party (not on her actual birthday) this weekend. I have offered to help with food - no help needed apparently, so I may just hide in the kitchen and make tea and coffee for parents. I could (possibly) just cope with that.

Leave the children's parties to the younger ones with the energy to cope!
We shall take her present on her birthday.

I must say, when my children were small, I was always glad of my mum-in-law's presence at parties, especially as DH would always hide in the bedroom till it was over. But that was a different era.

Just seen that you can't see him on his birthday? Maybe the day after?

Again.
He will need to open his presents, have breakfast..Children's parties are exhaustig. You need to do food, prepare food, drink, decorations, entertainment, play hostess as well as getting yourself ready and your child. The noise! Then saying bye, party bags, then your DGC will want to open his presents...Then the tidying up afterwards. Washing up etc.
A 4 year old will be conked out, let alone the adults.
Then trying to fit in a visit to open more presents.

It's a lot in 1 day. Definitely smile and see him the day after

I have a DD who is 4 and she has a better social life than me!
We have been to lots of parties and apart from parents who take their child to the party and the 'birthday childs' parents, there is never any extended family there.

We all step back, have a coffee and chat and it's really the kids that get on with it. It's honestly pretty boring! At that age they only talk when they want a drink or the toilet!

I wouldn't take it to heart. It's a child's party for him and his friends.

Sundried I'm sorry you feel so hurt about this. As others have said, I don't think it's always the norm for grandparents to go to their grandchildren's parties. However, I do think it was a bit insensitive to, in effect, be told that you can't see your grandson at all on his birthday - if only to give him a hug and his present. On the other hand, it may well be much more relaxing and enjoyable if, as jingle suggested, he comes round to your house for a special tea on another day. To be honest, children's parties can be pretty exhausting and you probably wouldn't get much chance to talk to your grandson as he'll be too busy charging around.

As your daughter-in-law doesn't see her own mother, there are obviously some major issues there. It may be that your daughter-in-law is just a rather "difficult" or easily stressed person. Or it may be that, for example, her own mother was very controlling/interfering - which would make your daughter-in-law wary about "mother figures" in general.

Try not to take it personally, and enjoy the times when you do see your grandson.

I think it is a good idea of jingls to make some party food and have a little party when your DGS is brought round to see you to 'pick up his present'. Could you speak to your son - very nicely - and ask if he and your DIL would like to pop around and stay for a cuppa and a piece of cake on that day and mention that you would like to have a little party with DGS (you don't want her to get upset if he eats cake, crisps and jelly at your house then won't eat his nourishing dinner later!). She can always say 'no' but at least you have tried. If she says no, just say 'oh, OK then, I expect you are busy' and leave it at that.

Just try to have a fun hour or so with your DGS and DS and don't say a word about missing the children's party (which could be noisy and not everyone's cup of tea).

She obviously has a few problems if she doesn't see her own mother - perhaps she doesn't realise how nice you are!

It does seem to be a modern-day thing, this inviting adults to children's birthday parties. On some occasions it seems to be an excuse for a booze-up while the kiddies entertain themselves!

Very odd, and I agree with absent that the parents, plus perhaps a couple of 'helpers' should ideally be the supervisors. Grandparents and other relatives can see the child on another day, surely?

(Often, the party's not held on the actual birthday in any event, due to circumstances)

I am slightly surprised that you expected to attend your grandson's birthday party. His mum [and dad?] will be coping not just with a bunch of noisy young friends trampling jelly and birthday cake into the carpet as they sling the pass-the-parcel parcel across the room and, if mainly boys, jump on furniture, hit each other with cushions and generally get massively over-excited, but, most likely, their parents too. (Birthday parties are so much easier when the children are old enough to be left and simply picked up later.) I invited my mother to absentdaughter's birthday parties on only one occasion because I needed some extra help, which she very kindly provided. I celebrate my grandchildren's birthdays but wouldn't intrude on a children's party unless my practical assistance was required. Perhaps your daughter-in-law is of like mind and doesn't intend a slight.

Probably.

I think with DIL"S you ARE ALWAYS walking on eggshells , could be wrong !!

sundried, I notice your dil doesn't see her mother, which doesn't sound a good indicator of the way she manages relationships. Unless, of course her mother is a harridan, always possible. You're wise to keep your counsel, as so many posters have wisely suggested.
Sending positive thoughts

I'm currently reading a book called Daughters-in-Law by Joanna Trollope, it's really made me think and see things a bit differently. I haven't finished it yet, but it shows all sorts of things going on that you aren't aware of when you get a new DiL.

You've learnt fast sundried even though my sons know they can say anything to me and probably think I can tell them everything they'd be shocked to find out that I keep my opnions about their wives and our relationship to myself ( well I moan to my husband, to my own daughter and obviously to all you gransnetters) mostly because I don't want to hurt my sons, because they would be hurt. Their loyalties would be tested. They'd feel terrible if they knew I was hurt. They may very well challenge their wives. Then there'd be a row. The wife wouldn't back down or even worse she would and we'd be unwelcome guests. Everyone would be the loser. I made up my mind years ago that I might come in second place to my DIL families. I see less of my lovely darling grandchildren that her family.,but when I do see them I give them a time to remember. we make it really special. So far as the grandchildren are concerned it's worked a treat. I still somtimes feel hurt and I'm shamed to say really really jealous. . Childish I know but I can't help it.

Sounds difficult for you Sundried. Your GS will become curious about you and want to know you as he grows older. The special things you do with him at your house will become important to him. I expect your son feels awkward.

My DIL in Australia has alienated my son from me and his sister, who lives there. It's not the nicest situation but, like you, I feel part of my daughter's family although they are on the other side of the world.

Keep busy, say nothing, things will work out

That is so sad Sundried. It sounds like you are walking on eggshells. to you.

No it's not me being paranoid, or wanting to be over-involved. My DL clearly wants me out of her life. I should add that she has no contact at all with her own mother, who, despite living in the same city, has never seen her grandchildren. It's a very real problem - feel as if I'm hanging on by a thread. I'm going to follow the advice, though, of those who say 'say nothing.' Thanks

I know if I'm invited to DGCs parties it means they want help with party games / making tea/ clearing up etc. which is fair dos - why else would a gran be invited? I am more than happy to be excluded from what is bound to be chaos. I was always relieved when small party guests went home.

Sundried Welcome to Gransnet, I hope you'll 'stick around'. (Sorry I have been in the US for 10 weeks and it's beginning to show )

It's my English DGDs 4th birthday soon and I must confess that I'm rather hoping that my presence won't be required at the party!!

Joking aside, I realise how hurtful it must feel, if it seems to you that your DiL tries to avoid you. But thinking logically, there is no reason why DiLs and MiLs should automatically get on. Maybe she thinks you don't like her?

Just a thought.

Have a lovely time with your DGS when your son comes round with him, and no, I wouldn't talk to your son about how you feel.
' Least said, soonest mended', is not a popular piece of advice these days, but I think it applies in this case

I don't attend the GC's birthday parties, way too noisy for me. We usually have a little celebration before the day, pizza at a local restaurant for example.
Don't read too much into being excluded, you can not be part of every event. Think back to your childhood, were your GPs part of your everyday life ? mine certainly weren't, I saw them a couple of times a year.

Thanks everyone. It's my first time on Gransnet, and the support is so instant! I like the idea of a little party at mine. Will follow that one up.
To those saying I'm lucky living so close, I have to say that that adds to the hurt.
In fact my daughter in Australia who is pregnant with her first child makes me feel much more part of the family than my son round the corner!
Anyway, must move on - count my blessings - get ready for ukulele class and get on with life.
Hugs to everyone. Thanks for listening.

You should have Tegan!

It does hurt when they're so close, though. I'm doing lots of school runs at the moment; I'm more than happy to do so. But I had an 'ouch' moment the other weekend when I said I might drop something round for the children but was told it would be best if I didn't because various family members were visiting that day. Felt like saying that I would be quite happy to enter via the servants door .

Lucky you, to live close enough for your son to bring him round to see you. I suppose that sounds heartless; I am sure it is hard for you to have him so close but not immediately available all the time. There are dozens (hundreds) of grans here whose GC live on the other side of the globe - or the Atlantic - and many more, like me, who have to travel a couple of hundred miles to see them. Just keep the contact going through your son and perhaps - in a few years' time - the lad will be happy to come round the corner on his own to see his gran.

Sympathies to you - what a difficult situation. At least your son is gong to bring him round to see you - hang on to the good things, even if they seem very small.

ps. I went to one of my grandsons' children's parties. That was quite enough, thank you.