Erratic behaviour of children's mother

Petallus - I feel so sorry you have been cut off from contact with DD's ex. At least I am still in the loop when she wants something.

It's true everything is for the grandchildren and I would give up anything for them as I love them so dearly. It's just being banned from seeing them one day and then being asked for favours the next as if nothing had happened that is difficult to cope with. I seriously worry about her mental health and the effect on the children though I have no doubt that she loves them in her way.

I am not totally on the side of my son as, living with him, I know his faults. On the other hand I can see how mentally he is being destroyed by these constant threats. She knows exactly which buttons to press!

I am dreading the introduction of new partners to the situation!

Oh well, onwards and upwards for long suffering grandparents, and we thought they were difficult when they were children. How wrong we were!

I am currently in a situation where DD's ex absolutely refuses to have any contact with her at all. He does not reply to texts or phone calls regarding their child no matter what. He has also cut off from me even thought we got on very well previously and I gave him a lot of support when they split up (and he was devastated).

He now has a new partner but still won't communicate. It all has to be done through his parents who we manage to stay on good terms with.

I don't know the circumstances of the breakup between your DS and his partner but if she feels bitter it is likely she won't answer phone calls from your DS.

As for asking you to take the children to school etc. at short notice, isn't that part of being a gran?

I realise I don't know much about your situation and am probably missing something. Keep going for the sake of the children. Good luck!

Thanks Petallus _ I agree, but talking about being unreasonable - after all we have had to put up with last week, I got a phone call on Wednesday asking me to take two children to the doctor, return one to her sister and one to school and pick them up from school, taking the third one back to mine for tea, while she took the other two out. She would then not answer my son's call to ask when she wanted him back! Of course I gave up my plans to accede to her requests because we dare not upset her. I think this is a perfect example of how unpredictable she is and how we have to be manipulated by her. My son and I will always do this because of our love for the children.

People can't always behave reasonably when they are feeling devastated. I know my ex sil couldn't when we were in this position some years ago.

We always tried to stay neutral for the sake of the GC. It's a fine line because our own children probably expect us to be wholeheartedly on their side and against the partner. We only hear their side of things most of the time.

Just hold on because in the end the one who is hurting gets over it. My ex sil is now with a young woman and expecting another child. My DD and he now get on really well. In fact, she is going to be Godmother to the child.

Thanks Anya I pretty much feel this too. I battled for years to keep my children on an even keel when their father left and they now very much respect me for that. I just feel I have to dig out the strength to start all over again with the next generation.
I know that my son's ex is hurting and try to take it into account but sometimes I do feel worn down by it and I'm not getting any younger. Ironically had she behaved more reasonably he would have considered going back with her for the sake of the children but now that will never happen. Thank you for your support. I guess we'll just have to hang in there.
By the way alex57currie if there was any indication from my grandchildren of deliberate physical or psychological abuse I would rethink our strategies.

I meant to add also, but it came after I posted. Both my Dh and I walked a very fine line for 12yrs. We kept quiet at certain observed behaviours. Didn't want to rock the boat etc, etc, etc. Just gave practical and financial support. Now it seems to have hit the fan so to speak.

I know this is very controversial, but my Dd has found out that her ex and his wife have psychologically abused my 2 dgc. The father has physically abused dgs. This has culminated in the police and welfare services compiling a file for the courts, because the police have decided they are rectrospectively prosecuting!
A wpc called Dd yesterday and asked her to list as many events the children can recall. They are 16+ and 14 yrs. old. It seems the courts are beginning to take a dim view of unhinged treatment of children, and not before time imho.

It would be a very good idea if he keeps the texts that she sends you DS. Awful as that may sound, they may be needed later on if matters are taken to a more formal level. Make sure that any texts/calls your DS makes to his exP are not abusive, swearing etc.

Grandma2213 try to hang on in there for the sake of your son and grandchildren. You seem to be their rock. Nothing will be gained by falling out with their mother, no matter how much she provokes. She is probably hurting inside too.

Please keep doing everything you can for your family. They need you in so many ways - emotionally, practically, financially. It's very hard I know, believe me I do know, but you are going to have to be strong when everyone else is trying to find a way forward.

Big ((((hugs)))

She refuses to go to mediation or accept advice even from her own family. It seems she has to be in control and if she does give in following a threat she says it is because she is too soft. We just seem to have to put up with the rollercoaster of her moods and it is very stressful not knowing what she will threaten next.
She says she will keep the children away altogether if he goes to court and make his life Hell and we know that can take months or more to sort out anyway. In the meantime the children's routine is disrupted. She has her own business and does not declare all her earnings. If we cause ripples it can only affect the children. We are stuck! He now has a job but this has also caused trouble because she accuses him of not caring about his kids as he leaves me to look after them when he is at work.

Go to the courts. He needs to set his access and maintenance payment. If he's unemployed he only has to pay £5 a week maintenance. His ex will get extra payments from the DWP.

I know it doesn't sound much but then he won't be getting much from JSA. Also if he has the children for four days a week he may not have to contribute to the other three days anyway.

I know it's £5 a week because that's what the CSA said DH had to pay. We found this out when his ex started to make demands for more money. She shut up when she found out she would get less than we were already paying if she went down the formal route lol.

Have you googled Mediation schemes in your area? In Manchester, there is a charity called Pro Contact where staff can work with all family members stuck in the emotionally draining situation you are facing.

Firms of solicitors who have staff members on the Children Panel (necessary if they are to work in the family courts) often have qualified mediators on their staff. Sadly I expect the cuts to legal aid will have reduced or stopped this.

Is there anyone you know who could be impartial and help your son and his ex to sit down and talk things through in a calm, child centred way?
That's what's needed here though I do sympathise with you