Being Needy.

My mother died very suddenly, at 68, and did not have a period of being frail or unable to cope.
I have realised recently, though, that she might have liked more help from me, during many years of her looking after my dad, who had Parkinson's.
At the time, I saw her as very capable and in charge of her own life and (thoughtlessly, I guess) did not think to offer help.
If she had said to me, in a matter of fact way, something like "I wondered if you could do such-and-such for me because whatever-reason." then I would have happily done it.

What I'm trying to get at here is that "being needy" seems to me to mean complaining, moaning, making unreasonable demands.
Simply stating a problem and asking for help with it, is not being needy and should get a reasonable response.

Soontobe, my husband will, grudgingly, help out, but only if asked, but most of the time, by the time I want help, he`s buggered off upstairs on his PS4, and is there for several hours, like now.

Falconbird - my mother died aged 64, I was finally able to make the the necessary decisions for my future life but it took years before I had got rid of the guilty feelings about being able to live my life my own way.

It seems to me that you are missing your dear husband and of course you feel needy but children can't fill that gap anyway no matter how hard they try. They are another generation, and have their own problems especially your son. Try to accept that at the moment nothing feels right and you would like to be helped but that help is not available at the moment.
Its a bad patch for you but your experience will tell you that life moves on and in time you will feel better.
You sound to me to be a competent person, not at all needy but rather sad- and with good reason to be.
Best of luck and keep writing on GN

I had one of 'those' mothers Falcon so I have told my DC to tell me if I'm showing any signs of morphing into her (I already look like her). Occasionally I'll say or worry about something and they'll just reply with a "Yes, Nanna" to bring me up short and make me think! They are doing more to help us now, but as we've always done stuff for them they consider it only right, so don't worry too much about asking for help or advise. Just ask them to be honest and let them know if you're turning into Grandma.

Sewsilver - My goodness that's a lot of moving!! I have only recently settled after moving house twice in 8 months and helping my son move as well. I think you are doing a fantastic job!!! I found the three house moves bad enough. You are an inspiration. Oh yes the boxes. I hope you settle soon.

One of my worst moments was sitting on my own last summer in a rented house waiting for the Removal Men with all my belongings packed in boxes. Didn't imagine that scenario in my late 60s.

MargaretX - you mother sounds so much like mine. I was always worried about her and felt I was responsible for her happiness. She was a massive influence on my life and I was quite relieved when she passed away at 90.

Soontobe - my dh passed away two and a half years ago and that's why I'm feeling unsure about everything. I do tell friends about my aches and pains but my DH and I did it all the time as we got older and reassured each other in a way that friends can't. I am always quite emotional when some kindness comes my way and I am moved by all your wise words.

I know that I do present a strong image and I'm trying to change that a bit. I even had to say to a doctor - "I'm not as together" as I seem."

Coming to this thread late.
Falconbird, you sound the opposite of needy to me.
Have your sons ever told you that you are needy? I suspect not.

Also, for say things like aches and pains,
have you other people you can offload on too, such as friends?

numberplease. You also sound the very opposite of needy. What happens when you ask you husband for some help?

I have a disabled daughter who cannot really do anything around the house, so consequently she gets waited on-by me, and a husband who still considers himself delicate nearly 18 months after his last operation, so therefore does next to nothing. So on days like today, when I`ve been feeling really poorly, all I want to do is sit down and cry, because just for once I want someone to look after ME for a change. Is that being needy?

Falconbird what a good topic this is. I too have struggled since DH died with the balance between being over independent and feeling as if I am being too needy. I think I have done such a good job in convincing everybody that I am fine that I am mostly left to get on with it. But on balance I am glad that my children and other people see me as strong and independent even if it doesn't often feel like that on the inside.
I hope your son gets good news soon.
Marmight, I know just what you mean about paperwork and struggling with stuff. A lot of my belongings are in my house incarcerated under mountains of dust and builders rubble. I'm living in my sixth temporary home this year and about to move to another one next week . I seem to be surrounded by boxes.

Falconbird - I am so sorry that your son has been ill and hope that the news will be good. You have so much to contend with that I think the last thing you want to do is to worry about being needy. Be kind to yourself - you are not being needy in a negative way - but you do have needs. They are 2 different things. Without your DH you are bound to need more from your family than before - that is fine. Go with it and do not struggle with these extra worries. They are probably unfounded.

falconbird You are not your Mum but probably, like me, the reverse of what she was. My mother was needy as a widow and prevented my leaving home just because I was afraid to leave her, to be responsible for her unhappiness.

I decided then that if I ever had daughters I would bring them up not to consider my feelings, but to go their own way. I have two daughters and was successful! They have gone their own way and sometimes now I would like them to be more caring. I have had to learn to ask for help but after so many years of being independent it is hard to get it across.
After all they are in the middle of their busy lives and and I help them when I can. It is better than being needy.

Falconbird I do hope your son gets the all-clear soon.
I don't think your mother was typical. My DMiL has been a widow for nearly 50 years and I have never once heard her complain. She sometimes needs help with stuff and we willingly give it. She never makes any of us feel guilty or resentful.

Thanks - all really good advice.

I have recently expressed that without my DH I'm only half as strong and they accepted that really well. I did tell my son that I do become quite distant when I'm really upset and he told his wife. That did work to a point because I was a bit tearful one day and she told me to just let it all out.

Things have been complicated by the fact that my son had cancer last year and at the moment is waiting for his final diagnosis - so I'm holding myself together and praying for a good outcome. I think that once he has the all clear I will be able to unfreeze a bit and express my own fears.

From what you all say you all try not to be to "needy" and I agree that in time of real crisis my kids would be there for me.

Was my mum unusual or was she fairly typical of her generation?

It's the small things I miss about DH such as discussing our little aches and pains and reassuring each other. I can't keep telling my sons that I've got a back ache or my eczema has flared up or I've got indigestion.

Sorry about the depression Mishap. I hope it lifts soon. I'm trying to wean myself off Diazapam because doctors don't approve of it anymore. They want me to take Citalapram ( can't spell it.)

Falconbird why not discuss the issue with your DC? Tell them of your fears of being like your DM and the problems you now have and reach an understanding between you all. You have described very loving DC who would probably be as relieved as you to get it all out in the open and thought through.

Falconbird It seems quite obvious that you're not needy, but perhaps you are allowing your fears to get in the way when it would be perfectly reasonable to ask for help or support. Marmight and Mishap are right, it is a difficult line to tread, but don't deny your family the opportunity of being useful.

I agree, falconbird, that it is difficult to get the balance right. Being the mother of sons, I do try hard not to be too needy. But sometimes, - oh dear... I've been outside this morning and cleared a blocked drain!
They tell me that I lean over too far backwards in order not to be a nuisance, but on the other hand I've seen the look on their faces sometimes when I mention that something-or-other needs doing.
But I do know that if I was in real trouble they would always be there for me. I'm sure your family would be for you, too. Best wishes.

I think that central to your concern is not wanting to be your mother all over again - it is a common unhelpful psychological loop that many of us get trapped in, especially those of us who have had difficult mums. Trawl some of the threads and you will see that there are many of us.

Maybe you should ask yourself every time you wonder whether you are being too needy how much of that is a rational concern and how much is dictated by your strong desire not to be as mum was. You can then put that aspect aside and analyse what you are doing without that taint - just look at it rationally.

I am ill with depression at present and one of my central concerns is that this should not be burdensome to my DDs. I am not a pretty sight when things are at their worst and I want to protect them from that so they can get on with their lives. The other day, one DD asked me how I had been and I said it had not been good (I cannot lie to them) and she asked why I had not rung her. I explained that I did not want to burden her and she got quite cross, saying that this is what family are there for and that she did not like being kept in the dark - that she could cope with any amount of my weepiness as long as she knew that she had a role in helping me.

So it would seem that sometimes being needy can offer someone else the chance to be useful and to shine.

It is a fine line to tread Falcon and I know what you mean, especially re computers. My son is 'in computers' but was never going to offer to help with mine, I could tell from his attitude when I dropped hints. Yet usually he is a kind and caring son. So I paid (through the nose) to have it sorted. When he found out he was upset.

I also understand how you felt being strong and holding everything together when it was needed. This can sometimes lead to us being thought of as 'cold'.

I think, in general, it's better to err on the side of being independent than being needy. But perhaps explain to your family your fears of being thought cold and why you are trying not to put on them too much.

That way they will understand you better and admire your courage. Just explain to them.

It's a difficult line to tread. I don't think it is too much to ask your family to help when that feeling of inadequacy sets in, as it does from time to time.

I have always been fairly competent and, with a bit of help, have manage to cope over the last 3 years with the many different aspects which widowhood throws up, but it would be sooo lovely if one or other of my daughters would suggest spending a weekend with me to just go through all the niggly things I have trouble with. I have dropped the odd hint, but they are all so busy with their families and work that even when they are here, it all comes to nothing. I am lucky that I can afford to pay for help with the things which are beyond me and as for the dreaded 'paperwork', I just set aside a day and bite the bullet (wednesday this week is the day ). My aim is to minimise all the 'stuff'; I seem to have spent the nearly 3 years since DH died, sorting myself out and there must be another less complicated world out there.

Thanks absent - I am haunted by the old saying "like mother like daughter." but I do have a different personality.

Falconbird You are not your mother all over again. You are the person you have become over many years and in your family's life. As they say, don't sweat the small stuff.

Thanks Grans - very reassuring comments. I do have a problem because my mother was so demanding and I don't want to be like her and make my kids' lifes a nightmare.

Also I'm sure my sons are wondering if I will turn out to be like their Gran because they watched me spending hours on the `phone with her and dashing to her aid on the bus.

Interesting point about needy friends. I have two of these and I'm always there for however long it takes. This is not always reciprocated.

I was told I was cold by one of the DILs shortly after her mother passed away. My DH and son's MIL passed within 7 months of each other. I wasn't being cold but desperately trying to hold it all together for everyone.

Maybe I should worry less about it but it is new territory for me and a steep learning curve.

I often wonder how my DH would have been if I had gone first.

I have been told that I am very difficult to help, have always been self-reliant. I don't even visit family very often, unless babysitting or helping in some way, for fear of being a nuisance. I hope they don't think me uncaring, but as long as I know they are all right that is all that matters to me. My ex-DH uses emotional blackmail and forces himself on them when not convenient - I would never do that! I dread being a burden, so will not expect to be looked after in the future either.
I have a needy friend who rings me at all times of day or night with minor concerns, and expects to spend time with her DD and DS on both weekend days. It then surprises her that they make up excuses sometimes! A few weeks ago she phoned me at 2am because she had just realized she had gone back to a car park within the 'no return' time the previous day. Did I think she would be fined? My reassurance never helps, but I tried. Needless to say it has not happened, and anyway she is not poor by any means.

I don't think asking for help with your computer is being needy.
I'm sure you must have helped with looking after your DGCs - did you think of your DiLs as being needy? No, of course not.

Neediness is more an emotional thing, often descending into emotional blackmail.
As long as you don't make your family feel guilty if they can't meet your requests for practical assistance, then you're not being needy.
Are you feeling guilty because you resented helping your mother, I wonder?

I have a dear friend who is loyal, kind, loving and helpful in every way but she is terribly needy. Sometimes she drives me nuts, but I make allowances because I love her. I think that's how it works. Maybe you should worry less.

I've never got the balance right. My girls run around after their father because he 'needs' them. I try not to put upon them and they feel I'm absolutely fine without any help.