living alone

ethelbags1 I have noticed on another thread that one of your cats had passed away in October, which must have upset you greatly as from your posts, your cats are your dear friends, I am wondering if this has made you upset and maybe angry as things like this can effect us all in different ways, it can cause great distress when we have to take our beloved pets on that final journey and now you have your own journey to go on, perhaps it has all been too much for you.I hope your treatment is soon sorted and you find some comfort somewhere and someone to help you.

etheltbags1.
I could be wrong, but I think you see things sometimes in very black and white ways.
So , you have a problem, and try to solve it.
But then come up against your own personality, and then it becomes a case of, do I win, or does my problem?
I hope I am making some sense!

So you see this as a problem[that is the someone being with you at parts of your treatment problem] v trying to solve it somehow, without compromising your personality in some way.

This is the problem with some things in life. We have to bend something we hold dear, or work round something, or forgo something in some way.

No, I dont think that you should enter into a relationship in order to get round your problem of having someone to look after you at times.

From what little I have read on your recent threads, I think you will end up with about 100 problems, in order to try and solve 1.

I think that, for you, you have 2 choices.
Either, stick to your personality, and have no one with you at times.
Or, use perhaps Age Concern, or the other couple of suggestions of organisations on here.
[I think that you are ruling out Macmillans].

If you use Age Concern for example, who seem geared up for this type of thing, then yes, it will involve some interaction with strangers, who you may or may not get along with.

It may be better, in your case, to start the chemo treatment, and see how you get on with having no one.

It wouldnt be my choice. But it may be yours. x

thank you all for your comments they are interesting to say the least.
I will manage as many of you all have done.
x

Me too Elegran, why is she abusing everyone's compassion, advice and time?

Good post Nellimoser and exactly how I feel. To be honest Ethel I am tired of your selfish sometimes sneering posts. Like all on here, I am sorry you are ill, but it is not my fault and not the fault of others on GN, whatever help and suggestions are made you throw them back, and speak as if you think those of us who do have partners are somehow stupid for doing so. I am not surprised you have few friends to be honest, you have shown in previous posts( about giving back birthday gifts etc) that you can be quite unkind. I do not honestly believe that you are a therapist and practice reiki because you give off such bad vibes on line, it must be awful in real life. I hope that your treatment goes well, and I hope that you speak to MacMillan as had been recommend many times, and if this is real, not a wind up, I wish you well. If this is a test/debate/wind up/shame on you.

I have posted a few times on threads by etheltbags - usually with long gaps between my posts as I find I get rather frustrated by her ingrained attitudes to everyone and everything.

After this, I think I shall just keep well out of it. She has said repeatedly on her many threads that she does not want anyone's help, so I will not burden her with mine.

Missed your post Nelliemoser,
I agree totally with what you say, all very sad.

ethelbags1 Your profile says you have a daughter and a grandchild whom you love. I wonder if you would help them if they were sick ? Does your daughter help you I any way or are you tired of that relationship too ?

Sunseeker same here the ladies at the Oncology Clinic are aware of transport needs and will do all they can to help if you are stuck at any time,I also went to most of my appointments on my own and used the support of the on duty nurse if I needed someone.
I'm sure you will meet someone at the clinic who will guide you in the right direction if you ask,ask Macmillon care they are not only there for respite care you know they have all sorts of outlets available to patients.

I really struggle with what you're saying ethelbags, and like Mishap find you come across as calculating and cold.

Helping someone is two ways and, as much as all of us want to be strong and independent, there are times when a helping hand or listening ear is needed. But that is reciprocated willingly, not just setting out to cultivate a 'friendship' then deliberately use someone and abuse their kindness.

I'm also feeling very uncomfortable with this after so many Gransnetters have offered you support, advice and kindness on other threads.

Although my DH was still alive when I had cancer I attended all appointments on my own, I preferred it that way. The idea of cultivating a relationship just to see you through an illness is, if you don't mind me saying, quite cold and calculating.

I met a lot of people at the various appointments who were alone and there was always someone to talk to who understood what I was going through because they were going through it as well.

My GP used to have a scheme whereby they would arrange, and pay for, a taxi for those without transport for hospital appointments, not sure if that is still the case - I think it was only for a trial period some years ago.

The last couple of threads that etheltbags1 has begun, have centred completely around herself. There has been no mention as such, about the feelings of others in much of what she has commented on, so I'm thinking that a lot of what she writes is merely a 'wind-up' No-one, surely, could be as mean-spirited as this? I notice from your profile, etheltbags1, that you enjoy debating..... ?

Reading your OP ethel it sounds as if you are quite angry - and why wouldn't you be after your diagnosis.

I do not want to get into a relationship at this stage of my life and I know that is for quite selfish reasons - not sharing my home, etc., but, as you implied, as long as I can look after myself that is not a problem.

I think my first question would be - what would happen if you didn't have someone with you? There must be people in that position and I wonder what happens to them.

Ethelbags This is going to sound very harsh but I do not see what else other GNrs can do!

There are lot of Gnrs on here and another thread taking their time to offer you advice and information on sources of support and for every very sound suggestion made, you seem to find some reason or another why you cannot do any of this.

I am afraid nothing will work if you continue throwing every suggestion of help back in peoples faces. You are alienating the people who are trying to help you.

What sort of solutions to your worries have you thought of, now you have turned down every one else's advice?

Looking at some of the exasperation I see in posts from other GNrs to your negative responses, I think you are in danger of causing the very situation of isolation and lack of support you are complaining about.

To be very blunt with you you have a stark choice. You act on the sound advice you have had from so many of us and act on it; or you "put up and shut up" and not keep posting!

Think about it properly! Whatever you are facing you have to adapt to it and that means you need to change the habits and attitudes of a lifetime.
There is nothing else you can do if you want a chance of treatment.

This has to be a wind-up - I do not believe anyone could be so calculating and cold.

The word "humiliating" is revealing. It is not humiliating to ask for help - it is part of normal human intercourse. Sometimes we give help, sometimes we are on the receiving end - that is how it works.

If you do not want to be helped, then don't - it is your choice. You are used to going it alone and have made that choice - just go with it. I am sure you would not want to cause hurt to anyone else just to get what you need temporarily - having others help you implies a willingness to help them should the need arise.

Ethel AgeUK have people on their books who will befriend you for these kind of visits, go into your local branch and ask them for the information or even ask if anyone at a lunch club would like to be friends with you and explain about your appointments adding in the option of doing things outside of these visits maybe lunch every now and then or cinema visits,we all need someone else in our live's and it doesn't have to be of the opposite sex does it.

I can understand a "tiny bit" of what you are saying ethel the bit about having to "care for another person man/woman, as I have cared for my lovely mr biker for many years and do not! want to end up caring for another, but as far as saying that you would "dump" that poor chap who has helped you with your visits and what ever else you may need them for at the time..I find that a little upsetting as that man/chap whoever could be our male parent or a neighbour or a good friend of ours, not that my dad is on his own but if he was and someone came along to just make friends and "use" him and then "dump" him..then it would upset me very much indeed. I suppose if you made it very clear to the person whom you are thinking about and put your cards on the table and they understood that their time was limited with your companionship then you would both be of an understanding and accept the situation.

If there is a scheme to help with transport and perhaps staying while you have treatment your GP surgery may be able to help.We have a voluntary organisation here which does this,my DH and I were involved for some years with it and referral was through the GP. We would travel up to 20 miles and would mostly wait for consultation or treatment to be completed or go back if it was a long wait. A donation, by the patient, to the organisation was a matter of choice. It would not be fair to start a relationship just for the benefits to you at a time of need and then dump the poor chap when his usefulness was over.

Sorry to hear of your illness and dilemma.

My DH's granny was in a similar situation and lived to 93, 300 miles away from the nearest relative.
She would have no strangers in the house. They contacted an organisation called Crossroads when granny was in her 70s. A lovely lady called A came and made sure that hospital appointments etc were attended.
Over the next, almost 20 years, there grew a respectful 'friendship' neither overstepping their role. A always called granny Mrs H...... And granny called A by her first name.
A did no domestic tasks other than popping in, making sure health appointments were attended and accompanied, and occasionally shopping. She also alerted family if something was amiss. Fortunately this was rare.

I wonder if they still exist as an organisation and if it might suit you. I wish you well. x

I live alone and have done for many years. I cannot help but ask myself ethel if you have ever helped other people, as you yourself would like to be helped now. From what you have said about yourself, I suspect not. I'm sorry if I misjudge you, but I really cannot take you seriously.

I usually go to hospital appointments and treatments on my own - then another person isn't having to kick around waiting for me.

Lots of us live alone, and when it comes to the crunch we manage somehow. I am really sorry for your problems, but it's not advisable to seek to build a relationship just because of this. It wouldn't work, would it.

I am sorry about your cancer ethelbags1 but it sounds to me as if you have always been (almost to your own admission) the sort of person that only wants other people when it suits them. I always think of the saying 'what goes around, comes around'.

!

I know how you feel Ethel. It's just having someone to be there for you and to reply on.

My mum was widowed at 52 and I used to encourage her to find another bloke. Her reaction was - what and have to look after another man.!!

She did have a few admirers but wasn't interested. I had to agree in some ways because my dad was an invalid after the war and was quite a burden as she put it.

One man who was very keen on her had multiple strokes and this increased her views on never finding another chap.

It's REALLY TOUGH facing cancer on your own but how about MacMillan. They are always on TV saying no-one should face it alone. You could also try Help the Aged. There's got to be support out there not everyone has close family to help out. What about the local church if you are a church goer.

Silver Line is there if you ever just want to let off steam and they might have some ideas?