Sons' attitudes.

Sounds like they may be mourning, as are you. A big part of your lives has been ripped out and when you are all together it probably brings it home much harder when you are all together.

I don't know how you can get back to the relationship you had before but hope that another grans netter might have an idea. I do remember after my Dad died feeling unable to express what his loss meant to me.

I haven't been there Falcon but would guess your sons are wary of joking,seeming too happy and normal in case they appear to have forgotten their dad or you think they are not missing him as you are. Just a suggestion so I think you should bring it into the open and ask them.

Thanks littleflo.

My dad died when I was 20 and it took years (decades actually) for me to establish a new relationship with my mum.

My sons and I don't discuss my DH very much. I think it's a bit too soon and too painful for us all. Maybe there is another gran who has managed this?

Not the same at all, but I do remember that when I started visiting mum after my dad died, it was different.
There was less to talk about for a start. Dad had been ill for a while and some of her talk had obviously previously been about that.
Plus which he had been there to talk too as well, and now there is just mum.
And obviously, especially in the couple of years afterwards, I am aware of her and our loss.
It dod take a while to get used to.

I am not sure it can go back to how it was.
It is new.
Perhaps it would be best if everyone acknowledged this?
New may not be quite as good, but still good nonetheless.

It sounds as if they are being so very careful not to upset you that everyone's behaviour is stilted and stiff. I have no real suggestions other than give it time. But, just to say; when my Dad died I got rather tired of people, at his funeral and afterwards, telling me that I had to look after my Mum, yes I was aware of that, and also, in case nobody had noticed, my Dad had died. Anger wasn't the right emotion, and grief isnt a competition, but I did feel a little resentful when people did not seem to acknowledge that I too had suffered a bereavement. Maybe your sons were given the same helpful talk by well meaning relatives? Hope this has come across correctly, it is hard to describe..

Just to add, we now talk about Dad all the time, and not as if he was some kind of saint as some people seem to become as soon as they die. We talk about things in the news that he would have been interested in or had an opinion on, I tell my children about things he did when he was a young man to emphasis that he wasn't always an old man. For example, with the recent 50th anniversary of Churchill's death, I told my children about how he was there on the day. I can't see chocolate brazils without remembering that they were his favourites, just little comments to acknowledge his life. With your grown children, next time they visit, dig out holiday photos and laugh together over them, laughing over happy times isnt disrespectful to those who have died, it keeps them part of the family.

Thks annsixty - good points. We don't actually talk about our feelings too much.

Going out now and will read all your wise words properly when I get home. Gransnet is so great for talking things through.

Morning falconbird, we are 22 months down the line since my dh died. I am so sorry things are proving difficult for you and your sons, like others I would think they are grieving and perhaps are worried that they may upset you if they are jolly etc.
ours was a second marriage my dh was the love of my life, a great joker, very humourous and a loving Dad to 3 children and 3 stepchildren as well as all of the grandchildren.
when he died, we all sat down and agreed the most important thing was that we kept his memory alive, we have tears, smiles, reminiscing about life with him, we watch dvd's of past family celebrations when the grandchildren ask to see them (12 of them ranging in ages from 1 to 21).
we all feel free to show our emotions, when one is down usually the others are ok, we just support each other. Perhaps have them all round together and chat to them about how you feel happy at ghem speaking of their dad etc. The worst thing is when the family pussyfoot round us in case of upsetting us.
I do hope things will get easier for you all, this new life we are thrust into takes a long while to get used to for all the family.

Lots of good advice on here. Just one question...do you still get out and about? Do things, meet old or new friends, go places?

When my FiL passed away we were all very anxious that about MiL - they'd been teenage sweethearts, married very young, lived for each other. We were so afraid she would become a recluse or over reliant on us.

When we realised she was moving on with her life, meeting new people, etc we all relaxed around her.

Thank you for the flowers Falconbird. After I posted I thought that maybe I had not been particularly helpful.

Your post struck a deep chord within me. I too was in my early 20s when my dad died and 40+ years later I still feel his loss. What I am trying to say by this, is that it is still very early days in the mourning process for you. The rawness and devastation takes a long time to start to heal.

Maybe you could tell your sons about you post on here. Do you think that would help you to open up a conversation with them and find a way to move forward?

I think that there might be something to be said for telling your sons what you have just told us....that you sense a certain unease in them when you are all together and that you just want to put it on record that it is OK to laugh and joke and you do not want a sombre atmosphere - that you (or indeed they) might at times be caught short by tears but that is fine.

You want to restore the relaxed relationships that you had with them and maybe you should just tell them that, bearing in mind that there has been a big scene shift (both the loss of your DH and the house move) and things will inevitably be different - different but still good in a new way.

You have all been through a loss and your relationships will have shifted a bit. Hopefully if you can talk to them about this they can move to a comfortable position for you all. But it may take a bit of time.

It's odd they are still behaving like this after two years. Are you being cheerful when they visit? Perhaps you could be the one to change the atmosphere. You make the jokes. Take the mickey out of their sober-sided behaviour. Tell them to cheer up a bit. Suggest (quite often ) that it's time you all had a nice meal out. Say you are worried life might be getting boring for them because they always look so damned miserable worried when they visit you.

If that fails, just ignore them and get out your I-pad when they visit, and chat on Gransnet.

Here is something that actually worried me a little at the time - when my family assembled at the house to set off on the day of my dear husband's funeral, I greeted my son at the door with a joke! I had never seen him in a suit before, and I pretended not to recognise him!

Afterwards I was struck with guilt at doing it, but in retrospect it may have been a good thing - and DH would have smiled to hear it. They have been a tower of strength to me, and always ready to contact me and see me and take me to things with them, but they have never been "strange" with me as falconbird's sons have.

Perhaps it is up to you to lighten the atmosphere with them, falconbird I don't know how you can do it, you know them better than I do, but they may be waiting for your "permission" to smile.

So many good points on here. Particularly the scene shift and "taking care of mum"

Even though your sons are adults they had you and your husband as the seniors. You were the people who they could turn to for help and advice. You two gave them their secure place in the big world. Now, they may feel that they have been elevated to the senior role and are uncertain just how they should behave in this new family dynamic.

Does it feel like they are treading on egg shells around you.

FalconHere's hoping you find some of the comments helpful I do hope so,two years is not long really and your boys may be treading on egg shells
because of their own sense of loss and they don't want to upset you further they will have also had that first taste of mortality and it has hit them harder than you think,I always expected my mum & dad to be here forever and never could imagine a time when they would gone from my life. Arrange a family meal (as jingssuggests) and make it a regular occurance.

Just a few of my thoughts.

I had many older family members around until they and I were quite an age. I lost my granny at 47, then my mum at 50, at 58 a significant person in my life who was of similar age to me and at 59 my dad died. I am expected to feel that I was lucky to have them all for so long and in a way I was, but in some cases the people had been very ill for years and I was the carer and because they had survived many illnesses I was convinced they would survive anything. The deaths were devastating and crushing. They had all been in my life for so long.

I dont think adult children know what it is like to lose people who were around so long because being younger they had less time with the person. I remember when my mum died I expected my dad to just be the same and he was! Not one thing changed in the house. My mum's clothes were still in the house which made my task of clearing the house more difficult. It was like the two deaths at once, just after the death of the significant person. I think the difficult things there were the survival of such a fearsome illness for so long (10+ years) and the fact that this person was only 3 months older than me.

There is an issue about inheritance. Some are resentful and some think they have entitlement to what I now have. Does anyone really think I prefer the money to the people?

It is a strange time after death of an important person in our lives. We dont know what to do, often the very person we would seek advice from is the very one we would have discussed our concerns with is the person who is gone. It has been 3 years now since the last of the deaths and I have not changed any of the big things. I have decorated and had a new bathroom, I got a very small bath as one thing my dad worried about was me falling asleep in the bath. He knew I was exhausted. I still do not sleep well. I have nosey neighbours who want to know what I am doing with the house. They watch every visitor to my house whether family or tradesman. They were recent seen by police making all the nosey watching.

I think we need to be kind to ourselves and those others who feel the same loss as we do. Try to understand each others points of view. I think it is important to be the family you were before and keep the person in and around any events such as a wedding. Try to talk to the adult children and see how you can all fit into a life together without the person no longer seen with us. Maybe they are with us but just not available to our eyes.

Thinking of everyone who is sufferring loss(es)

Sugarpufffairy

Thanks all.

I do remember when my dad died that people did say I had to look after my mother and yes - I did resent it.

So -I try to be really independent, have joined lots of things TWG, MU and meet friends regularly. I send jokes to two of my sons by email and try to make the flat welcoming and homely.

I think the situation is complicated because my eldest son is recovering from a big cancer op., my middle son is Bipolar and my youngest son went for months and months without contacting anyone (some hurt over something said or money) He is in contact with me now but not with his brothers.

I guess this does make the whole situation more complex than it might have been. I realise I'm not Wonder Woman but the whole things makes me depressed at times and I long for the good times when my DH was with us.

I'm 68 now and could live for another 20 years! but time isn't on my side and I would like things to be better for all concerned.

I also have a difficult DIL who lost her own mum 7 months after my DH died so I guess we are all still reeling and it will take more time before things come right.

Throw a family and friends get together. Invite everyone, set out a table with nibbles or, if you're feeling up for it, do a buffet. Ply them with drink and let everyone chat to each other and unwind. Let your family see you with your friends. It's coming up to February, in my opinion the most miserable month of the year, so a party will liven things up.

Sounds like a good idea, anya.

Sounds wonderful in theory - but it wouldn't work in practice. My youngest son wouldn't come - however the eldest two would so maybe it's something to think about.

I have just caught up again with this thread and having read your post of yesterday of 16.09, my comments wouldn't have been the same.Your whole family situation has changed dramatically since your DH's death.A cancer diagnosis and treatment, a family falling out,still not resolved, and a mental health issue.I feel for you but it seems to me your family has a lot to resolve before you ever get back to how it once was. It doesn't seem that they are treating you differently so much as all dealing with lots of problems in their own lives. I do hope you feel easier in your mind soon

Clearly there is so much hurt going on in the family there is no quick fix. everyone has their issues and their own grief and this can damage other relationships. All you can do is keep listening and talking to each other and try not to force issues. Many people find it very hard to talk about painful feelings and you will get a bad reaction if you push it, two years may feel a long time but it really isn't after a major bereavement. This is a time for patience and kindness from everyone and to everyone. Life will never be the same, grief is the price we pay for love. In time you may all create a new and different way of being and feel peaceful and happy in a different way. When they visit you they are reminded of their loss, you live with it every day. Be kind to yourself and give time a chance

Yes time will heal things but I feel impatient because I lost my DH and two close friends within 7 months of each other and all three were the same age as me!

Because of that I want things to be right as soon as possible. I know that is irrational but I can't help wishing for it to happen. I must try to remain patient and kind and trust that things will come right in the end and we can achieve a new normality.