Starting Again at 55

I'm sure your dad does know when you're with him Gingersilk, even if he can't communicate with you he will sense your presence. You obviously had a very close and loving relationship with him, something to truly treasure along with wonderful memories.
x

Lovely post.

ginger what a beautiful post, about your dad .

When I said " Before I find a new abuser to trust", that's not the plan! I just worded it wrongly. I meant, so that I don't find a new abuser to trust.
Thought I'd clear that up.

Thursday, my dearly loved Dad's residential home called me to say Dad is not expected to live much longer. He has very advanced dementia. I cared for him as long as I could, but eventually he needed more care than I could give.

I was very close to my Dad. I can see his death as a release from what has become an existence. He is aware of very little now and entirely helpless. I have my memories of him and he'll always be a part of me. This will still be a difficult time though. I wish I could talk to him, well, I do but I doubt he hears or understands me. He knew I loved him though and that I'd looked after him as long as I could. By the time I couldn't manage it, he wasn't aware any more.

I want to walk in the forest with him again, or take our little boat out on the river, but I can only do that in my memory now.

Rant away....and we've all had our episodes with those charming so and sos........its not for you to regret trying to trust and see the good in someone, that's called being a decent human being.

Chin up!

Dear fellow t-shirt wearers, another night gone. Abdo still tender and spasming occasionally so may reluctantly drag myself to dr. Slept ok though, dosed up with buscopan and co-codamol.

One if the worst things about all this? I kept believing his lies, his good intentions. My mind was divided. Half of me so, so wanted us to "start again". New wedding rings, a new beginning, all the things we'd do to mend things. These were all his ideas. He knew the right buttons to press, to keep me hanging on, hopeful, to the last.
The other part of my brain, the rational, intelligent part, kept saying things like " best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour" or " have some self respect, he's treated you like you're subhuman". "He's an abuser, fgs, he won't change".

Why, why, did the emotional brain keep convincing me to hang on, hope for the best? I will be having therapy to address this issue, before I find a new abuser to trust.

Rant temporarily over.

Many of us have the t-shirt so come to us anytime.

Off to bed, to curl up with a good book.Have been trying to read "An instance of the finger post", but I can't concentrate enough. So it's going to be the next Cazalet chronicle. Strangely soothing.
Abdo still very, very tender. Looks like a trip to the Dr.

No, looplou, husband's behaviour alienating the children from him.

Thanks for the kindness and support. I need to get a good support network - husband had worked hard at isolating me, until the last year or so. So GN is the first part of that.

I hope your children will be able to support you through this patch while you are adjusting to a new life and finding your feet. The most important thing is to give yourself time to rise above all the stresses that you have endured and get back on your feet. It will take time, so do give yourself time. GNet is here for you.

Sorry, thought he was alienating children from you, x

Son's great. I've a good relationship with all the children. Husband, not so much.

Wax effigy and pins?
Seriously though, take care, I'm sure the children will see him in his true colours before long and I do hope son is sympathetic x

Wrapped up in a blanket on the sofa because I feel cold and shivery. Just emotional shock. My stomach is seriously tender. Son keeps checking up, doing distance obs.

Sorry to hear about your daughter's upset. Glad she has you.

I posted yesterday about my DD and her marriage breakup and certainly painted not too bad a situation. She texted me last evening as her H had spent the day with them and on leaving he said perhaps they should get a divorce underway. She was actually very shocked and upset,which surprised her and me.I now realise that any marriage breakdown, whether it has been traumatic,abusive or just time to end it is a failure. No wonder you are suffering ginger it is the end of a marriage and a huge chunk of your life . Stay strong.

I've got some meditation CDs downloaded on my phone and listen to those. It has helped me keep sane in these last few years.
I do long, long walks with the dog, every day, whatever the weather. Today's was horrible, cold, wet and dark with every step jarring my abdomen. That's unusual though, I normally love it in all weathers.
I garden too and need to get to work in the greenhouse.

Still stunned by husband's latest stunt. He is an absolute selfish, entitled jerk. He's alienating the children, the fool.

Just get the locks changed, anyway, for your peace of mind.

We knew what you meant loopyloo bet you thought you had a career you didn't know about then lol.
Ginger Just make sure you arrange for the locks to be changed as soon as you have seen solicitor for your safety if your OH is likely to react to any legal letters. ((hugs))

'Copper'! COPER!

You do need that space to relax before embarking on your career. I have used relaxation tapes very successfully - your BP and heart rate will come down and you will feel more at peace. I have mine in my iPod Nano and lie down with it when life gets tough.

loopylou......Oh yes physical things can work.....long stomping walks....but better weather is needed.
One of the things that helped once I knew he was gone for good was dragging everything out of wardrobes and cupboards and getting rid of 'stuff'. I was decent about it though....put it all in the garage and told him to collect it when I was out......have known some who have had jolly bonfires.

As a 'copper' I blew all my fuses about 5 months ago....palpitations, panic attacks, the whole caboodle so can empathise with you.
The only advice I can offer is to be kind and indulgent to yourself and try to do something physical-mine was gardening like a lunatic but I realise that's not particularly apt at this time of year.
I also took up knitting which was a useful distraction sat times.
(((Hugs))) to you

Thanks Hilda. Just had a chat with medic type son and we think I've prob got gastritis. Had it years ago after husband's first affair. ( yes, I know. Ever seen a stripy leopard?).

Off to get some buscopan. And try to eat.

Have had stress counselling and all those symptoms are very typical. They can seem overwhelming and very threatening. I'd like to say that most of them will slowly reduce once you are a bit more in control of your life but it will not hurt to get a bit of a check up done just in case.

I too have been a great coper over the years and there lies the rub....we just keep on taking it until we sort of blow a fuse.

See it as a process to go through....the initial shock and drama, then the grief and anger and then you will slowly see your new life emerging. Good luck and stay positive.

Sorry to disappear for a day. Just had a really rough 24 hours, with husband being a jerk.
This whole thing has started taking a physical toll. My pulse was racing away yesterday. This is something which has been getting worse and I've been wondering if I'm developing tachycardia. I'm not normally obsessive about my health. Yesterday my resting pulse was 103 and my blood pressure in the hypertension zone. I'm hoping it's just stress,
I've also developed pain in my abdomen, spasms which strike at random times. Again something new to me.

Basically my body is, at the very least, sending out warning signals. Flashing red lights and sirens, systems under attack, imminent system failure.

Thanks for all the great advice. I think I've been such a coper that I haven't allowed myself to acknowledge the true cruelty of my husband, his total disregard for anyone but himself. I'm going to look after myself. Something I'm not great at.

Tomorrow, call my solicitor.

Well done you gingersilk loads of really good advice offered,just relax now and think over your options and what you can do career wise,we all have untapped knowledge that can be adapted to do anything we want to do,I changed careers at 61 to something I had enjoyed for years (baking) and started my own outside catering business after years of being based in the New Build Industry so do what inspires you and you won't go wrong. &